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Thread: Etiquette Questions

  1. #61
    Retired! hepcat's Avatar
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    Re: Etiquette Questions

    I've heard of those things, Ajane, but only from Canadians - seriously. I don't know about the ethnic backgrounds behind it, but I've never heard of that in the U.S. I'm from a Southern U.S. family and there are definitely regional variations, but wow - if someone were to have a fund raising wedding party where I am now (California) it wouldn't fly! Showers accomplish the same thing, but the etiquette around them is that they are not thrown by the wedding couple, and that you don't solicit any particular money or gifts to attend them (and you would never invite someone to the shower who isn't invited to the wedding). Of course, the flip side is that people would hopefully never show up to a shower without a gift, but gifts are supposed to be optional - they are gifts, something freely given. I can't imagine going to a shower without a gift, but I can see not going to the shower because the bride is throwing herself a party and telling everyone she needs money for the ceremony.

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    Re: Etiquette Questions

    Quote Originally Posted by hepcat;2816649;
    I've heard of those things, Ajane, but only from Canadians - seriously - if someone were to have a fund raising wedding party where I am now (California) it wouldn't fly!
    Hmmmm. The person I referred to in my earlier post is a Canadian of German heritage, now living in Los Angeles. Perhaps that explains why she chose to marry her English (not a money at the wedding culture) husband in Toronto.
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  3. #63
    On a cupcake mission! Lois Lane's Avatar
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    Re: Etiquette Questions

    Another invitation question...

    I have some friends who now live with their mothers or fathers. (e.g. the moved their elderly parent in with them, which I think is very nice all around!) We host some functions where we invite everyone who lives there (the friend, spouse, kids, parents etc.). There are other times where we just want it to be our generation (e.g. no kids or parents). It's not an issue with most people, but there are a couple who always ask, "Can I bring my mother?" or "Can I bring my sister?" I always just said, "OK," even though I really just wanted to say, "No." It's not that I dislike any of them, but it's kind of like what's been touched on in the Klatch and here...we want our friends to feel comfortable and not worry about saying inappropriate things--which we do at times!--or offending someone's mother. So basically...how do I politely but firmly say that this invitation is just for them, but their __________ (fill in the blank) will be welcome at the next bigger get together that we have.

    Don't you all wonder why I even have people over? I'm obviously so not good at this!

  4. #64
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    Re: Etiquette Questions

    Quote Originally Posted by Lois Lane;2816595;
    I was just telling someone that the people with the most money often are the tackiest, greediest people.

    I've gotten a lot of shower and wedding invitations that have a card inserted saying where the couple is registered. I have mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, it's nice to know. On the other, let ME be the one to ask the person throwing the shower or the maid of honor where they're registered. I tend to be more old fashioned on this one and follow the Emily Post rule that you don't tell your guests where to buy your gift.

    When I got married, I registered at a couple places and registered for everything from small kitchen things like ladles that cost about $5 to more expensive items that my family wanted to get for us. But there was a nice price range on there so that no one would feel "cheap" if they got us something that cost $30 instead of $200. I didn't tell my guests where I was registered--they asked the person who was throwing my bridal shower and my sister (my maid of honor) and most of them shopped from the registry. There were some who purchased things elsewhere and that was wonderful, too. Others gave us gift cards or cash. That was nice, too.

    I guess I'd be more likely to want to help a young couple out for whatever fund they wanted...but a middleaged couple that's already on their feet?

    On the flip side, what do you all do when the invitation specifically says NOT to bring a gift? I feel really weird not bringing a gift to a kid's party or a wedding. Is it OK to make a donation to their favorite charity on their behalf? Or to send flowers? I don't want to do the wrong thing, but I just feel awful not bringing a gift...
    I purposely did not register as I didn't want china, crystal or silver and boy that upset a lot of people because I didn't register. You can't win.

    I have made donations to charity in the person's name when no gifts are specified and that has gone over REALLY well. I usually always get a phone call from the person raving what a great thing it was, how thoughtful and generous, etc. Hm, maybe I will start doing that for some of those tacky people as well. Then they can't complain without looking bad.

    I have gotten birthday invitations for a 1 year olds birthday and the kid was registered at Pottery Barn Kids. Needless to say, I did NOT buy a gift from there.
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    Re: Etiquette Questions

    Quote Originally Posted by myrosiedog;2816841;
    I have gotten birthday invitations for a 1 year olds birthday and the kid was registered at Pottery Barn Kids. Needless to say, I did NOT buy a gift from there.
    Are you serious??? THAT is insane. I wouldn't buy a one year old a gift that wasn't, say, Fisher Price or something, let alone PB Kids.

    Lois Lane, I would think that saying something to the effect of "I'd prefer to keep this group smaller, but the next time I have a bigger party, I'll be sure to invite your " would be appropriate.

    Gosh, some of these stories really surprise me. I wouldn't even dream of doing many of these things-- even as a kid, if I thought I didn't need to send a thank you, my mom would set me straight before the thought could cross my mind a second time.

    I was recently invited to a wedding for which the invitation included a blank response card. I was later informed that I was the only person who responded: "Missyboxers accepts with pleasure your kind invitation for [the date]," straight out of the Emily Post etiquette encyclopedia I received for Christmas a couple years ago.
    Last edited by Missyboxers; 02-28-2008 at 09:40 PM.

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    Re: Etiquette Questions

    Quote Originally Posted by Missyboxers;2817724;

    I was recently invited to a wedding for which the invitation included a blank response card. I was later informed that I was the only person who responded: "Missyboxers accepts with pleasure your kind invitation for [the date]," straight out of the Emily Post etiquette encyclopedia I received for Christmas a couple years ago.
    Good for you Missyboxers.......Etiquette never goes out of style and people will remember you for that
    CYA

  7. #67
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    Re: Etiquette Questions

    When we married last December, we registered at Macy's because it is nationwide and we have family and friends in many parts of the country. We didn't "need" anything, but I knew there were people who would send gifts and I figured that we might as well get something that we had picked out ourselves. Macy's horrified me by sending me little personalized stickers that said "Doxie is registered at Macy's" which they suggested that I stick on to any shower or wedding invitations. Needless to say, I did NOT do that. We didn't have any showers and we sent announcements after our very small wedding, but I wouldn't have used those stickers anyway. When friends or family asked where we were registered, I told them and also said "Do not worry about a gift". Some chose to send a gift (and got a prompt thank you note) and others did not choose to send a gift and that is fine with us.

    And, I think that children should be taught to write thank you notes. My mother used to buy little packages of cute notecards for my brother and I and put them in our Christmas stockings every year so that we would have something "fun" to write thank you notes on. I loved that as a child (and still do - Mom and I had a blast shopping for my wedding announcements and monogrammed notecards). It's a courtesy. People take time to buy you a gift, host you in their home, do something nice for you.... Write them a note to thank them!
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  8. #68
    On a cupcake mission! Lois Lane's Avatar
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    Re: Etiquette Questions

    Quote Originally Posted by doxie;2818171;
    Macy's horrified me by sending me little personalized stickers that said "Doxie is registered at Macy's" which they suggested that I stick on to any shower or wedding invitations. Needless to say, I did NOT do that.
    Same here. I was not going to basically beg for gifts. Ew. I was like you. When people asked me, I told them. I figured if they didn't ask, they had something else in mind. However, I've been invited to a lot of showers/weddings where those stickers are on the cards.

    I see some of these Bridezilla shows where the couples spend so much money trying to impress their guests...and then they have no money left to go on their honeymoon. The place we had our reception told us that some couples spend part of their wedding opening their cash gifts in the office so they can pay for their wedding! We've gone to ritzy weddings, weddings in backyard, destination weddings, fancy, simple, you name it--and they've all been fun, whether we were served lobster and champagne or hamburgers and beer. If people would just celebrate within their means--and apply some of that money towards a downpayment on a home rather than showing off--they'd be so much better off!

    On a slightly different note, my father passed away a few months ago and my mother and my family were all so touched that for his funeral and at Christmas, so many of our friends donated money in his honor to his favorite charity. Our friends never told us they were doing this. The organization sent cards saying so-and-so had donated money. It was so touching and sweet. And yes, I sent a thank you card to every person who attended the visitation, funeral, sent flowers or cards, and made those lovely donations. It was my pleasure to acknowledge their thoughtfulness.
    Last edited by Lois Lane; 02-29-2008 at 09:13 AM.

  9. #69
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    Re: Etiquette Questions

    Great thread, LL. And I am sorry about your Dad's passing.

    I'm thinking if I went to a wedding shower and didn't get a thank you note I would probably get them an etiquette book for a wedding gift. Or just buy a case of etiquette books and give them to everyone!
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  10. #70
    Kanai Nemeses's Avatar
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    Re: Etiquette Questions

    You know, I'm so grateful for this thread. For several years now, I've been lamenting the lack of courtesy and manners that's so absent in most of society nowadays, so it's nice to be able to speak with others who feel the same way, and to know ettiquette is still alive with some. This is my 'feel-good' thread at FoRT now, for that reason.

    When I was a young girl in school, in the south, ettiquette was taught in school as part of my English class. It was in junior high school, so was around 7th or 8th grade. For one day a week in that class, we'd concentrate on social ettiquette, which included how to write a proper invitation, how to write a proper thank you note, and when to do it. It also included how to be a courteous party host (taking needs of invited guests into account, and when to allow "and a guest" and how to get invitees to follow your wishes as stated on the invites), and how to be a courteous party/event guest (following the protocols set out in an invitation, the issue of "bringing a guest", proper gifting protocols, etc.). All the students in the class learned these things, the guys and the girls. Because all students in the English classes had to learn these things, the guys didn't make a big deal out of it, it was another part of the lessons they needed to pass in order to get a good grade in English that semester.

    I enjoyed that class, and I wish social etiquette was taught in some form in school today, as well, even if only for a semester as part of an English class. But I fear that today's kids are becoming too narcissistic and/or selfish to learn the lessons of etiquette, since it involves doing something for someone other than themselves. And tv commercials and shows seem to encourage that theme of selfishness and entitlement, as do merchants. I wish today's youth could understand the feeling of pride and self-satisfaction you get from proper manners and etiquette. And as someone else above mentioned, how stronger an impression they make when you send a 'thank you note' to someone you've just interviewed for a job with. And how lovely an event is when both the host and the guests follow the plan and a thank you note is sent when it's over.

    Etiquette and good manners will never be out of style, and I sure hope it will never be out of use, as well.


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    It is wise to apply the oil of refined politeness to the mechanisms of friendship. --Colette, The Pure and the Impure, 1932

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