Etiquette Questions

[livin4reality]

PGM-maybe send some flowers after the surgery. Wait a day or so and offer to bring dinner? lol we sound like we're planning a courtship.

onei0091- I wasn't sure of your question but this is what I got, correct me if I'm wrong. IL relationships-who (if anyone) has more responsibility to make an effort. I would say both have an equal responsibility. 20 years ago I would've said the elders...but then I would've been going on the assumption that the older a person is, the more mature they are. lol it isn't true. Some people never mature. So I'll say it is equally on both parties. And IL relationships are very important and can be very rewarding too.

[AJane]

Hey all - I have an etiquette question for y'all...

It's about a parent in-law relationship. Do you think that a parent in law (mother in law/ father in law) has any extra responsibility for making an effort than a daughter in law/son in law does? It's kind of strange because everyone is an adult - both parents and son/daughter - but I'm wondering if the fact that the son or daughter in law is a newcomer in the family of their spouse/fiancee or is younger makes a difference in how that relationship gets going...?

I think that the gracious thing to do is for the future MIL/FIL to make an extra effort to make the new SIL/DIL feel welcome into the family, and in turn, the new SIL/DIL should make an extra effort to treat his/her new "parents" with the same respect that they would show to their own parents.

[MRD]

Hey all - I have an etiquette question for y'all...

It's about a parent in-law relationship. Do you think that a parent in law (mother in law/ father in law) has any extra responsibility for making an effort than a daughter in law/son in law does? It's kind of strange because everyone is an adult - both parents and son/daughter - but I'm wondering if the fact that the son or daughter in law is a newcomer in the family of their spouse/fiancee or is younger makes a difference in how that relationship gets going...?

I think so.

But I also think that the new DIL should also make an effort.

The reason I think that the new parents in law should is that I worked hard for YEARS to try to be a member of my husbands family and I was NEVER ever treated like family or accepted as family and I quit trying after several years. I went OUT OF MY WAY to try to make us all one big happy family. Didn't work and I was much happier when I realized it wasn't going to work and quit trying. My parents did make my husband feel like one of the family and he is still grateful for that. We all had a great relationship with my family. His not so much.

But the effort has to go both ways and as a young bride, I also felt a bit intimidated at first in his family, which is why I think the parents-in-law should make a bit of an extra effort.

[famita]

I agree that all persons should make the effort. It takes 2. And I don't think it has to be much. An offer for coffee, a shopping run. And my advice is treat the other as you would like to be treated. That always puts you in the driver's seat, I think. Be aboveboard in your dealings.

[onei0091]

I think so.

But I also think that the new DIL should also make an effort.

The reason I think that the new parents in law should is that I worked hard for YEARS to try to be a member of my husbands family and I was NEVER ever treated like family or accepted as family and I quit trying after several years. I went OUT OF MY WAY to try to make us all one big happy family. Didn't work and I was much happier when I realized it wasn't going to work and quit trying. My parents did make my husband feel like one of the family and he is still grateful for that. We all had a great relationship with my family. His not so much.

But the effort has to go both ways and as a young bride, I also felt a bit intimidated at first in his family, which is why I think the parents-in-law should make a bit of an extra effort.

Thanks for your answers. I'm kind of in the same boat as you, MRD, except that my situation is extremely unusual. My mother in law had issues when my husband and I got engaged and started acting really outrageous - just being really demanding, calling at all hours of the day and night (like 2 AM) saying really insulting things, etc. I didn't say anything for the sake of 'getting along' but things got really crazy at our wedding and it got to the point where I needed a nice, long break from my in laws!

Turns out that wasn't a problem because they decided to give me the silent treatment. It started on my wedding day, and it's still going on. I've been married over 4 years now and haven't spoken to any of my in laws during my entire marriage! I used to send gifts and postcards, etc. but they have never done the same for me and the fact that they don't ever call, email, send a note, letter, or acknowledge my existence at all kind of made me stop trying. I think the last attempt to try and get along was 2006? Maybe?

Sometimes FIL will email my husband, but no one else in his family talks to him, either. He tried a few months into the silent treatment to figure out what was going on and to see if we could work out any issues, but they just said they 'don't want to talk about it'...he told them to call him when they were ready to talk and they said they'd 'think about it' but then never called.
Both my husband and I have absolutely NO idea why they are being this way. The only thing I can think of is that they just really dislike me for some reason...?

So, I kind of feel like if they aren't even going to acknowledge that I exist, I should just forget about it. I feel like they have to make some sort of an effort, but at the same time sometimes I feel guilty, like maybe I'm not trying hard enough. I don't know.

[brunette trixie]

Well it sounds like your in-law's issues started way before you came along, onei.

[onei0091]

Well it sounds like your in-law's issues started way before you came along, onei.

Yeah, you are definitely right on that. They are a strange bunch. Honestly, I can't say too much about them because I've only met them a handful of times, and that was years ago.

I thought it would be nice to at least have some sort of relationship with an in law (any in law?) but my mother in law has gone around to everyone and told them that I'm a big jerk so it's been really awkward for me to try. I was friends with my husband's grandma (my mother in law's mother in law) and that was going well because we were both getting the silent treatment at the time, but when my mother in law found out I had befriended grandma she decided to be on speaking terms with grandma again and fill grandma's head with all sorts of bad things about me. The last few times I got together with grandma everything grandma said was, 'your mother in law seems very angry with you' and it got to the point where it was awkward to visit with her. So...yeah.

I wish I had some sort of contact with my in laws, but that's probably in theory that it would be good and not in reality, if that makes any sense.

[Newfherder]

I would have paid substantial sums of money for my ex in-laws to give me the silent treatment (and no, for once I am not shooting off a one-liner.)

[veejer]

Not to squash this discussion, but there is a whole thread dedicated to in-laws.

Rant about your In-Laws


On the etiquette topic, has anyone ever heard of "Bridesman" and "Groomswoman"? A friend of mine went to a wedding recently where there was a mix of men and women on each side of the wedding party. If they were friends/relatives of the bride, they were on the bride's side and vice versa. They were called "Bridesmen" and "Groomswomen".

[doxie]

On the etiquette topic, has anyone ever heard of "Bridesman" and "Groomswoman"? A friend of mine went to a wedding recently where there was a mix of men and women on each side of the wedding party. If they were friends/relatives of the bride, they were on the bride's side and vice versa. They were called "Bridesmen" and "Groomswomen".

I have heard of that. To each their own, but I don't really think I want to be a "Groomswoman!".

Having said that, I just got married last December. It was a very small, informal wedding and we had no attendants other than two darling little flower girls who are daughters of friends of ours. Or, at least, that is what we planned. The 4 year old brother of one of the flower girls turned up at the wedding and announced that he wanted to be "FlowerMan". So, we had two flower girls and a "Flowerman" and the kids stole the show. It was great!