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Thread: Etiquette Questions

  1. #591
    Resident curmudgeon Newfherder's Avatar
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    Re: Etiquette Questions

    Contrary to what you may have read elsewhere, honesty (Option 2) is NOT the best policy. If you really don't want to see her this weekend because your feelings are hurt, go with Option 1.

    I have problems with my ex-wife telling me that she's going to come by at such-and-such time to do something at the office, and then not show up. It used to bug the heck out of me, but eventually I took a "believe it when it happens" attitude, and that takes a lot of stress out of our relationship.

    Option 4 is to go out on Saturday and have a good time.
    "The road that is built in hope is more pleasant to the traveler than the road built in despair, even though they both lead to the same destination."
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  2. #592
    FORT Fogey PGM35's Avatar
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    Re: Etiquette Questions

    My opinion is that it depends on what is going on that Sunday. Is it just a dinner with friends (like yours is?) or is a planned event with lots of other folks? if it is something that could EASILY be changed and she didn't take your feelings into consideration, then I would be upset. If it's a bday party planned for another friend with lots of other attendees and he/she got the date wrong, then I would be ok with changing to Sat and having fun! I would hope that my friends understand if I wanted to go to an event that was planned and for someone that I cared about, that they wouldn't mind changing the date for me for something that was just the 2 of us or the 4 of us. Easier to change those plans than the other event.

    Now if it's just her way to ALWAYS change the date on YOU and make you feel second string or second fiddle, then I'd consider that part of whether or not I would continue the friendship or let her know. I think letting her know would depend on your relationship. If she is open and honest with you, then you need to be open and honest with her.
    Last edited by PGM35; 08-26-2008 at 11:48 AM. Reason: left something off

  3. #593
    MRD
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    Re: Etiquette Questions

    Livin, option 1 or option 3.

    I had a friend that constantly broke our plans. I got really sick of it and just quit making plans with her. The friendship eventually dwindled away. I had known her a LONG time, we had at one time been GREAT friends, but I felt like I was the one that was always contributing to the friendship and she treated me like her backup plan when something better fell through.

    And quite honestly, once I decided to stop asking her to do stuff and we just kind of fell apart from each other, I was a lot happier about it. Now we send Christmas cards to each other. And I'm fine with it. (well I moved to another state too, but this happened about 10 years before we moved, so in that 10 years, I made a lot of other, better friends).
    Sometimes friendships change.

    Do what makes YOU happy and comfortable and don't worry so much about her. Sounds like she doesn't worry so much about you.
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    (Who loves me will love my dog also)

  4. #594
    FORT Fogey livin4reality's Avatar
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    Re: Etiquette Questions

    She is always making plans for us to do things and they never come to pass. I'd say out of 10 things she plans..we end up doing 1. I don't even bother anymore with asking her to do stuff. It doesn't work. This dinner idea was hers. She said "How about we come over for dinner next weekend and I'll bring something." I'll go with option 1-telling her we are busy Saturday and letting the friendship die a quiet death. Thanks for all your advice FORT friends and as usual it is good.
    I very much believe in rescuing animals, not buying them.

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  5. #595
    On a cupcake mission! Lois Lane's Avatar
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    Re: Etiquette Questions

    Quote Originally Posted by livin4reality;3177939;
    She is always making plans for us to do things and they never come to pass. I'd say out of 10 things she plans..we end up doing 1. I don't even bother anymore with asking her to do stuff. It doesn't work. This dinner idea was hers. She said "How about we come over for dinner next weekend and I'll bring something." I'll go with option 1-telling her we are busy Saturday and letting the friendship die a quiet death. Thanks for all your advice FORT friends and as usual it is good.
    What the heck is that all about? You don't invite yourself to dinner at someone else's house. Even if you offer to bring something, the hostess/host has to clean the house, get the majority of the menu cooked, clean up etc. Why didn't she just invite you to her house? That is so weird. I know I'm late to the party, but I would tell her you already have plans for Sat. and that you would've loved to have gotten together then but she specifically told you she couldn't...which is why you agreed to Sunday...and now you already have plans. Oh darn. I would also add, "How about we come over to your house for dinner next weekend. I'll bring something."

    I had friends who would always change plans on me. Planning a family get together never goes smoothly in our house 'cause either my sister or my SIL is changing the date due to kids' soccer games etc. I had an aunt call me two days before a big get together that it would be great if I could change the party from Saturday to Sunday 'cause her sons woudln't be able to come. It finally just got to the point that I would try to pick a day/weekend where it accomodated the most people and for those who couldn't make it, too bad.

  6. #596
    Trouble in my life just1paul's Avatar
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    Re: Etiquette Questions

    Quote Originally Posted by livin4reality;3177939;
    I'll go with option 1-telling her we are busy Saturday and letting the friendship die a quiet death. Thanks for all your advice FORT friends and as usual it is good.
    The next time she calls with "plans" you be busy....

  7. #597
    FORT Fogey livin4reality's Avatar
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    Re: Etiquette Questions

    LL the reason she practically invited herself over is because of my DH. He is disabled and very rarely leaves the house. (basically just to go to doctor) So any socializing has to be done here.
    I very much believe in rescuing animals, not buying them.

    Candice Bergen, on finding her dog, Lois, a terrier/basset hound mix

  8. #598
    Miz Smarty Britches queenb's Avatar
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    Re: Etiquette Questions

    Livin4, I'd do option #1, unles this is typical behavior, in which case i'd choose #3; you are wasting your breath explaining how feel about the situation, in my opinion. (OK, I see that is what you are doing--I approve! )
    I have found the Truth and it doesn't make sense.

  9. #599
    MRD
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    Re: Etiquette Questions

    Quote Originally Posted by Lois Lane;3178119;
    What the heck is that all about? You don't invite yourself to dinner at someone else's house. Even if you offer to bring something, the hostess/host has to clean the house, get the majority of the menu cooked, clean up etc. Why didn't she just invite you to her house? That is so weird. I know I'm late to the party, but I would tell her you already have plans for Sat. and that you would've loved to have gotten together then but she specifically told you she couldn't...which is why you agreed to Sunday...and now you already have plans. Oh darn. I would also add, "How about we come over to your house for dinner next weekend. I'll bring something."

    I had friends who would always change plans on me. Planning a family get together never goes smoothly in our house 'cause either my sister or my SIL is changing the date due to kids' soccer games etc. I had an aunt call me two days before a big get together that it would be great if I could change the party from Saturday to Sunday 'cause her sons woudln't be able to come. It finally just got to the point that I would try to pick a day/weekend where it accomodated the most people and for those who couldn't make it, too bad.
    I've had and now have some REALLY good friends that I don't think twice about saying: "let's do something on Sun at your house and I'll bring such and such" and they have done the same. I think when you are really good friends and really comfortable with each other, then it's ok to do that. But most people, I'd just invite to my house for dinner and wouldn't presume to invite myself over to their house. But with the good friends it's understood that its casual, don't have to clean like you would for "company", etc. But that situation is reserved for those friends that are like family.
    Que me amat, amet et canem meum
    (Who loves me will love my dog also)

  10. #600
    Got wings 9/19/2012 buglover's Avatar
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    Re: Etiquette Questions

    My husband's family is like that..... they go even further, they don't even call, they just show up! They also expect to crash at the house without calling ahead either. Luckily, the only ones who do that are from very far south so it doesn't happen often.
    Yup, with donuts!!

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