Etiquette Questions

[Julian Pyke]

I now have a question about etiquette and high school graduations.

We have been homeschooling our daughter and we just had an evaluation which went VERY well. She is almost a year ahead of where she should be. (Dare I say how proud I am? She's really worked hard at this) As of right now, she is on track to graduate early, possibly as soon as December.

Since all of our family and friends live out of state, do I still send a graduation announcement? I mean, its going to come at a non-traditional time of the year for HS graduations and since we homeschool, there won't be any ceremony or anything so there are no school announcements that we could buy. Do I buy regular announcements? Print them myself? Do a photo card type of announcement? Acknowledge the graduation in any way?

We have good friends and family whose children will be graduating next spring from HS. In fact, we have 6 graduation gifts to buy as these are all either family or GOOD friends. The reason I mention this is that 5 of them have already had a child graduate in the last few years and we got announcements from them and sent gifts. I don't want people thinking we are fishing for gifts, but I do want to let people know that she has accomplished something, especially as she has accomplished way beyond what she needed too and as a result will be graduating early and going on to college early and I'm proud of her for that and want to let people know. Is that being too conceited? (maybe conceited isn't the right word. I'm just proud of my child and her accomplishments and want to let others know about it, but not sure if that would be considered bragging and fishing for gifts)

I do want to send notices to people that she's graduated, but not sure exactly what to do. Do we mention the homeschooling? Do we send out announcements or not? Help, this is not a situation I've encountered before.

Also, our church puts in pictures of HS graduates every May in the monthly newsletter and gives a short bio and what their future plans are. Do I notify the church that she is graduating in Dec?

I was home schooled and graduated in December. I just waited and sent notices (and had a graduation party since I didn't have a ceremony) in May for a party in June. It was fun, and worked.

[Lois Lane]

Continuing with a thread in the Klatch...how do you graciously tell people that they can't bring anyone else to something you've invited just them to? I'm not talking about a holiday party or anything where you're already expecting a large gathering, but rather a small dinner party or an outing where you're inviting them, but then they ask if they can invite a friend/parent/sibling/etc.? I'm not talking about someone who is asking if their husband can come--I always invite couples together. This happens to me more often than not. Sometimes I don't mind the extra people--other times it's just a pain.

[nilesgirl]

Here's a good question that I'm actually watching on Seinfeld right now. If someone offers you tickets to an event and you thank them several times before the event, should you still call them the day after the event and thank them again?

[Missyboxers]

Lois Lane, I'd say you're well within your rights to say that there's a limited amount of space and you prefer, in this instance, to keep it to a small group.

As for nilesgirl, I'd probably give a call or an email thanking them again and saying I had a great time and I really appreciate it.

[MRD]

I would just say what Missy said and maybe say: "Another time when we're having a larger gathering, no problem, but this particular occasion, we were planning on keeping it small and intimate. I'll sure you understand."

Make sure you add on the "I'm sure you understand" because to me, that really puts the ball back in their court and will keep most people from carrying it further. They either understand or they dont and if they don't, then don't invite them again.

I look at it this way. I'm the hostess. I planned the party, I planned the meal. I put myself out for time and money for this and if my friends make it into an ordeal, then I will pretty much cross their names off the list for next time. I just have reached an age where I don 't need the hassle anymore and if they make it such a hassle, well then, I will move on to those that can be gracious, polite and not the dinner party guests from hell.

It's YOUR house, your party. They have some nerve is all I can say

[just1paul]

I would agree with myrosiedog. It's just a small gathering, I'm sure you understand. If they don't come right out and say no they can't bring anyone, and if they don't like it well have fun at McDonalds.

[nilesgirl]

I've had the party issue come up before only it was a big party where we were expecting about 45 people. People brought kids that I wasn't anticipating because they didn't ask if they could bring them (and frankly I was trying to keep it strictly adults). This was something that was a catered event. I had already given the caterer the money based on 45 people and then about 5-10 extra people showed up. The DJ (who's husband was the G.O.H.) payed the caterer the extra amount out of her own pocket which was extremely generous of her but I felt was very unfair since she wouldn't have had to do that if people would've had the courtesy of NOT bringing people who were not invited. One thing I've always had a problem with (including with this party) is when I give an RSVP, I always tell them to RSVP whether they are coming or not and still only about 3 people out of the numerous I invited will actually give me a response. I end up spending the days after the RSVP date playing phone tag with everyone else so I decided to write my own little guidelines for party invites. They are as follows:
1. Invitation is for addressee only! (Unless invite says "+ guest")
2. Any invitee who wishes to bring someone (who isn't on the guest list) MUST check with host first.
3. Anyone who does not respond to invite by 1 week prior to event (which is usually the RSVP date for small non-catered events) will be called. If call is not returned by 3 days prior to event, that person will be considered "not attending".
4. If, by 3 days prior to event, there is someone who wants to come who wasn't initially invited (as a guest of another invitee), they will be able to attend. (Especially if there were a considerable number of regrets)
5. Any "surprise" or enexpected guests (this means either people who were not invited and just show up anyway or people who were considered not coming after not responding) will be expected to pay for their own food. * They will also have to find their own place to sit if our tables are full.**
*=This is for a catered event when the caterer has already been paid based on a certain number of people and more people show up than he/she was paid for.
**=This is for a restaurant event that is non-catered.
I try and make sure that everyone I invite to my events know these "rules" and I always stress now their importance.

[Lois Lane]

I once sent a girls-night out invitation --mailed it to my guests 'cause I thought it'd be fun -- and said on the invitation to leave the husbands/boyfriends/kids at home and come to my place for a meal and some fun with the girls. Almost every single person asked me if they could bring their husbands or their kids. I fed them, provided all the drinks etc. and sent them all home with fun goodie bags filled with fun treats. I enjoyed doing it. Not one person brought anything (hostess gift, something to share) and not one person sent a thank you note or even an email afterwards. It's not like I wanted to make a profit from them but honestly, no one has any manners anymore...

[Nemeses]

Here's a good question that I'm actually watching on Seinfeld right now. If someone offers you tickets to an event and you thank them several times before the event, should you still call them the day after the event and thank them again?

I actually have found myself in those situations several times, nilesgirl. In my previous job where I was involved in working with celebrity events, I was always in the position of being able to get extra tickets to give to friends if they wanted them. I would often offer to give tickets to friends if I thought it was an event they'd be interested in, or if it was an event that was a 'hot ticket' and hard for some people to get tickets to. And if I offered tickets and the friend politely turned them down for whatever reason, their thanks for the offer was always appreciated, and when accompanied by a reason (such as prior plans, not an event they'd enjoy, etc.), then it was no big deal at all. I appreciated the 'thank you' and the effort of giving a reason, and life went on.

But on a few occasions, some people would call me the day after the event, or a couple of days after, and thank me again. And that was always an odd and/or awkward moment for me. Since I had already been thanked prior, to be called afterwards and thanked again just seemed a bit like overkill and made me wonder if there was some other reason for the additional thanking, like... are they trying to make me feel I should have tried harder to make them accept the tickets? Or I'd be a bit hesitant to let them know how nice or fun the event was, because I'd almost feel like I was rubbing it into their face that I was there and they weren't. It was just a bit of an awkward feeling to be getting thanked yet again after the event was over.

So my suggestion is to leave it at the thanks you've already given them, so they don't start to second-guess if they should have tried harder to get you to accept the tickets. Just leave them with the warm good feeling of having been nice people and offered the tickets to a friend and thanked sincerely for their offer. Knowing when to end the "thank you"/"you're welcome" conversation when it's at maximum sincerity is a good thing to know.

[Missyboxers]

Not one person brought anything (hostess gift, something to share) and not one person sent a thank you note or even an email afterwards. It's not like I wanted to make a profit from them but honestly, no one has any manners anymore...

That's really surprising to me. I can't imagine showing up at someone's house empty-handed, and most of my friends are the same way. Nor can I imagine not thanking someone the next day.