Etiquette Questions

[veejer]

Ah, wedding etiquette!!!! I think the "new etiquette" is "It's our day and whatever we want goes." Sad to say, but I go to most weddings with low expectations anymore.

Sorry to hear about your situation, Marleybone. I'd go the making other plans route.

When we were out of town guests at two of my nephews' weddings, but not in the wedding party, my sister made sure that we were included in the rehearsal dinner.

But the pictures the next day at both of the receptions were another story. I'm not sure who gave the photographer's assistant the list of family members, but we weren't on it. The father of the groom's family was, but not us, the family of the mother of the groom. (And it isn't like the groom's parents are divorced or anything.) At the first wedding, I saw the assistant gathering people for photos and assumed that our turn would come eventually and didn't really think about it. Afterwards I realized that we'd been overlooked. At the next wedding, I made sure to make ourselves known to the photographer, but he wasn't too sure about it as we weren't on "the list".

Neither of these nephews and their wives bothered to send my daughter even a card when she graduated from high school last year, or thank you notes for the homemade knit stocking ornaments that I made for them last Christmas!!!!

The son of a good friend is getting married in May and she appears to be practicing pasting a smile on her face and zipping her lips. The invitation came a couple of weeks ago and is almost tacky. Either they did them themselves on the computer, or the printer did a shoddy job. Plus there isn't an inner envelope and the reply card is a postcard. Now that I can understand from a postage point of view, but the printing is cockeyed. She would never say anything, but I think she is mortified. She is the type to do things the prim, proper and old-fashioned way.

[Duxxy]

MRD I think it would be really sweet of you to make sachets or something from the dress. Especially if it could be her 'something old'

[MsFroggy]

Here's an etiquette dilemma. I will be heading out in a couple of weeks to my niece's wedding in another state. My brother and I will be arriving in town shortly before the wedding rehearsal. We were told by our other brother (father of the bride) that we wouldn't be invited to the rehearsal dinner because it was being held in a restaurant with limited seating and only had room for 40 people, so they were limiting it to the wedding party and their families. We were both fine with this. It was a relief that we didn't have to worry about getting there at a certain time, and we are not involved in the wedding in any way, we're just the "out of town relatives". It was all good. So, a couple of weeks ago I talked with my niece on the phone, and she told me that we were both welcome at the dinner, providing they had enough room - depending on how many RSVPs they got. OK, that was fine. Fast forward to this last weekend - my SIL was explaining to me the process for deciding who to invite. I found out my brother is actually getting a formal invitation to the dinner because he's our niece's baptism sponsor, but technically I am not invited - but I'm "welcome" to come if they have room. Someone will let me know by word of mouth if there is room for me, otherwise I am "welcome" to have dinner there anyway but I won't be able to sit with the group.

My niece met her future husband after she moved out there, so all his family is local. On our side of the family there are 2 aunts (myself included) and 2 uncles attending from out of state - and I am the only one of the four of us not invited to the dinner. The more I think about it the more I don't want to go no matter what - I just can't get comfortable with the idea that I'm only invited if they have room, and I don't want to go if I have to sit off by myself. I also don't want to be the cause any drama or upset. I could tell my SIL was embarrassed by the whole situation, she was apologizing all over the place, and I understand that the rehearsal dinner is done by the groom's family so it's not really their call. I also think I feel somewhat disappointed because my niece was flower girl in my wedding, and now it's her wedding and I'm kind of being left out. I'm not sure how to handle it, I liked things much better when I just plain wasn't invited.

Wow, Marley. I'm sorry to say but that's incredibly tacky in my view, to say that you're only "welcome" as long as somebody else cancels. If it were me, I would not go.

The last rehearsal dinner I attended, the bride and groom paid for their own wedding and the rehearsal dinner. All the wedding party and families, the parents and everyone from out of town was invited plus few aunts and uncles besides. I thought that was the right way to go.

[Duxxy]

Sorry Marley, I just didn't know what to say about your situation. It's probably embarassing for your SIL since she seems to have little control over the guest list but like you said, just tell me I'm not invited.period. No hard feelings that way.

[Lois Lane]

This is such an interesting dilemma 'cause there are so many rude things that happen surrounding weddings. I have been given a gift for being in someone's wedding party and then later they asked for it back, saying they hadn't meant to get me something that expensive and they replaced that gift with a cheaper gift (and yes, I had to buy my own bridesmaid's dress, shoes, and pay for a photo of me in the wedding party). I had been invited to a wedding and then later someone from the bride's family called and said they asked too many people--hinting that I should disinvite myself. Which I did (and I felt I didn't have to send a gift then either). They also hinted that I should disinvite my parents. Nuh uh! I told them they could handle that part themselves! I wasn't going to touch that one with a stick...

I think the best thing to do is either invite someone or not...but to say you can come if someone else doesn't is just in poor taste! Sheesh!

[Veruka]

I agree with MsFroggy -- If I were in your shoes Marleybone, I'd tell them without question that you will not be there. It's just not fair to you emotionally to go through the ups and downs of "i'm going - I'm not going - I'm going - I might be going". If the hotel where you are staying has any nice amenities - a spa or whatever, treat yourself to something nice and pampering that night instead!

It is a shame that the groom's parents didn't have the consideration of choosing a location for the dinner that would fit the number of people they needed it for instead of trying to make the group fit the venue. Honestly, its a shame that these days there are too many brides and grooms that don't understand that for a wedding and all the festivities surrounding it, THEY are the hosts! They are the ones throwing the party -- not the guests of honor! In addition to establishing the start of a successful marriage, their primary job is to make sure their guests are properly taken care of -- NOT their guests taking care of them!!!!!

One of the most unique examples of this I've ever seen was the wedding of one of my cousins. She and her husband were cheerleading partners in college, and were therefore very very close friends with the cheerleading squad. At their reception, there was a combination of reserved tables and first come first serve tables, which it seems is standard for a lot of weddings. (and I think better than being stuck sitting with people you don't know pre-selected for you to be stuck sitting with). One reserved table was for the bride, groom, their parents, and the maid of honor and best man. The other reserved tables were for the cheerleaders. Everyone else was on their own. Not that big of a deal ... except that it meant my grandmother, who was also the bride's grandmother (who'd feverishly worked on several last minute sewing projects for the wedding) was left to fend for herself to find a table, which ended up being in a far off corner of the hall, far away from all the festivities. The woman's own granddaughter was getting married, and she could barely see the cake being cut, or the first dance being danced! Her view was blocked by the cheerleaders.

[Lois Lane]

The woman's own granddaughter was getting married, and she could barely see the cake being cut, or the first dance being danced! Her view was blocked by the cheerleaders.

You all know that I love the old people. This just isn't right. As much of a pain as it was making the seating arrangements, I was glad to do it. It ensured that the right people got the "tables" of honor.

If any of those guests had any class, they would've traded seats with the grandparents and let them sit closer to the bride and groom. Tacky.

One of the things that didn't get done at our wedding is that they didn't reserve enough seats for my family's side...so that meant that my nieces and nephews sat all the way in the back while some people I work with (but aren't that close with) sat almost directly behind my siblings. Sigh...

And I think it's so important that while it's important to be a gracious guest, the wedding indeed is a party hosted by the bride/groom/their families. It's not the guests job to pay for the wedding!

[Veruka]

Well in the eyes of the bride and groom, the right people were at the tables of "honor". They worked out THAT seating ahead of time. There were even signs standing up from the tables that said "Cheerleaders" so that everyone knew who was to be sitting at those tables. In this case, it wasn't the guests fault that my grandmother couldn't see. It was the bride and groom who in the planning (with a wedding planner, so it's not like suggestions weren't made to them, and questions asked such as "what about grandparents?") said "We need to take care of seating for the cheerleaders. They're the VIPs"

[Lois Lane]

In this case, it wasn't the guests fault that my grandmother couldn't see. It was the bride and groom

Absolutely. For all they knew, your grandmother may have been an elderly neighbor or friend of a friend.

But...

If they knew if was the grandmother and didn't at least offer to give her a better seat ... But who knows. Maybe they didn't even know what was going on.

[Nemeses]

Marleybone, I completely understand your feelings of being a little hurt by this, and you have a right to be. At the same time, I get the feeling you also understand how crazy wedding events are and would be okay with not being invited to the pre-wedding dinner, that it's just the way they're handling it now that's become the problem. I agree with the others who've said it's the wishy-washy-ness that's making it into more than is comfortable.

I agree, too, just to best try and let it pass and arrange something else to do that night, even if it's nothing more than pampering yourself with a nice hot bath and early to bed after that long drive. As you said, in the long run, not being invited properly and with respect to the dinner will be forgotten and the memory will be replaced by more important things.... in the meantime, you can feel very good knowing you took the higher ground and sloughed it off, whereas your niece will always know she didn't do the right thing by you, and it's her problem to live with that knowledge now. Sometimes, often, being the more gracious person in a situation like that serves as an unspoken example to others about how a truly classy and gracious person should act. And that's a nice subtle form of revenge, too.