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Thread: Etiquette Questions

  1. #201
    On a cupcake mission! Lois Lane's Avatar
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    Re: Etiquette Questions

    Quote Originally Posted by Marleybone;2841550;
    dags - My SIL would be the only one I would say anything to, but I would rather not.
    That's a classy thing to do (or not do).

    I hope the wedding is nice...and if you'd like to send the gift you have selected to me instead of your niece, I think we'd all understand....



    myrosiedog, they should've just ASKED if you could help them instead of trying to sneak it by like that... There's a difference between asking nicely and basically telling someone to do something! Sheesh--if I was her, I'd have known that it was an imposition and would've asked if you could've done it as a big favor for them--that it would be the best wedding gift anyone to give...

  2. #202
    Premium Member burntbrat's Avatar
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    Re: Etiquette Questions

    Marley I agree with the others that you should just let it go. The bride probably has pressure from all sides and since you are not part of the wedding party and even you admit that you'll never see them again it's not something to cause a fuss over. If at the last minute they have a spot and you feel like going, then go. But don't feel bad if you opt out.

    Lois about the trinkets from travels, um... I hate those things. Maybe the reason they don't bring you back anything is because they're full of shot glasses and spoons and those little wood carvings and want to spare you the junk that accumulates over time. I think it's a nice enough favor that you're watching each other's pets.
    One of these days I'll stop being sensitive. Until then, I'll continue to be devastated on a daily basis. Life breaks my heart.

  3. #203
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    Re: Etiquette Questions

    Quote Originally Posted by myrosiedog
    When my husband's sister got married, we weren't even invited to sit with the family!!!!!! Seriously. And he wasn't even asked to be in any of the family pictures! What's weird there is that it was a church wedding and her ex-SIL, ex-MIL sat on the brides family pew. She didn't invite her own parents or siblings, just my husband, only 1 of her brothers, but we had to sit in the back basically. Weird.
    Kind of makes you feel like the red-headed stepchild, doesn't it? I know the feeling. I hope they don't expect me to be in any pictures.

    Quote Originally Posted by Lois Lane
    I hope the wedding is nice...and if you'd like to send the gift you have selected to me instead of your niece, I think we'd all understand....
    Hee. You wish. I haven't even thought about a gift yet, so thanks for reminding me.

    Quote Originally Posted by burntbrat
    I agree with the others that you should just let it go. The bride probably has pressure from all sides and since you are not part of the wedding party and even you admit that you'll never see them again it's not something to cause a fuss over. If at the last minute they have a spot and you feel like going, then go. But don't feel bad if you opt out.
    I definitely don't want to cause a fuss of any kind. It's more of a dilemma to me that I've been put in this situation when I never expected or even wanted to attend in the first place. It also stirred up some feelings that I thought I had worked through and gotten over.
    Last edited by Marleybone; 03-13-2008 at 11:24 PM.

  4. #204
    On a cupcake mission! Lois Lane's Avatar
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    Re: Etiquette Questions

    Quote Originally Posted by burntbrat;2841614;
    Lois about the trinkets from travels, um... I hate those things. Maybe the reason they don't bring you back anything is because they're full of shot glasses and spoons and those little wood carvings and want to spare you the junk that accumulates over time. I think it's a nice enough favor that you're watching each other's pets.
    It's good to hear from that point of view!

    We're not big tchotke people so those aren't the kinds of things we bring back for them 'cause what you described are the type of things I'd throw away. We've actually only brought them back things they seemed to like (Kona coffee from Hawaii, chocolates from Belgium (how do you not do that, right?!), T-shirts that they seem to like 'cause they wear them often during the summer--normal nice t-shirts, nothing with gross pictures on them or anything ).

    But you know...maybe I'm looking at this all wrong. They accept the gifts very graciously (whether they like it or not) and that's what makes me so happy. And I think we're close enough that they would just tell me to knock it off if it bothered them...

    Quote Originally Posted by Marleybone;2841623;
    It also stirred up some feelings that I thought I had worked through and gotten over.
    We all like to feel wanted and welcomed, and some of your family may have lost sight of that (whether intentionally or not).

    When my brother and sister in law got married, my sister and I weren't in their wedding. That was fine. The wedding photographer was a piece of work...when photos were being taken outside, my sister and I were standing there and no one suggested we get in any of the photos. My feelings were hurt. I knew no one was trying to slight us and were just busy dealing with the wedding. But I was ticked off at the photographer 'cause when we asked if we could be in one of the photos with the bride and groom and our parents, he said NO. (And he knew we were the groom's sisters. I was young then...I just accepted it. Besides, it wasn't my wedding. But I remembered that scenario. When I got married, I made sure that we had photos with EVERYONE--not just immediate family, but everyone who attended (who wanted to be in a photo I mean!). I tried to include a photo of us with them in all the thank you notes I sent. I remembered all the times I'd been a bridesmaid and had to buy my own copies of the photos from the wedding. So I gave all my bridesmaids/groomsmen photos. We also paid for their tuxedo rentals and the dresses, 'cause we didn't want them to have to pay to be in our wedding. I'm not saying this is how it has to be done...but I think if you've been slighted enough, you're pretty careful about not doing that to others.
    Last edited by Lois Lane; 03-13-2008 at 11:41 PM.

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    Re: Etiquette Questions

    Wow-let's talk about weddings. I am the mother of the groom and I had to go back and forth about who was in the wedding. When I said that I wanted family members also, the bride's family said that they weren't in the wedding party. I said I thought the family(both sides) should be invited and that I wanted them there. Well, as it turns out there are 15 of us and 25 of them. I don't care. To me it's a time for family. The more the merrier. What I think is funny is that I don't drink and I will be offering a cash bar. I had heard some rumblings that they were planning on getting drunk at the rehearsal dinner. I think that's fine, but not on my dime.

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    She luvs me not?!?!?! Vonna's Avatar
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    Re: Etiquette Questions

    Lois, your gifts don't sound like the typical shell necklace type of souvenir junk. In fact, they sound pretty cool except I personally prefer macadamia nuts to Kona coffee..

    Actually, anyone should be happy to be a recipient of your generosity.
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  7. #207
    On a cupcake mission! Lois Lane's Avatar
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    Re: Etiquette Questions

    Quote Originally Posted by famita;2842508;
    I had heard some rumblings that they were planning on getting drunk at the rehearsal dinner. I think that's fine, but not on my dime.


    My husband's family got off scott free. My parents paid for our wedding and I paid for our rehearsal dinner. His dad didn't come (he just came for the wedding) and later offered to pay for our rehearsal dinner after the fact, but my husband wouldn't accept. Though that was kind of a faux pas on his part, I love my father in law. He's so easy going and is a very easy in law to get along with. My mother in law is a little more high strung, shall we say...

    Vonna, I'll bring you macademia nuts when myrosiedog and I invite ourselves over to your place!

  8. #208
    MRD
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    Re: Etiquette Questions

    Personally I think weddings are a time for family and family should be invited first. Now I don't mean your 3rd cousin 4 times removed, but definetly siblings, aunts, uncles and at least first cousins if you are close.


    And we've ALWAYS done family pictures at the wedding whether they were in the wedding party or not. At least my family has anyway.

    One of my FAVORITE photos from my wedding. (well 2 photos) is of me with my 7 (at the time) neices and nephews (none were in my wedding party) and the other is my dad with these same kids that were all his grandkids at the time.

    We have family photos of the bride and groom with all my siblings, their husbands, wives and kids, my parents, and grandmother. And another with my husband's family.

    It's one of the few times families are all together to get photos like that, I think.

    Of course, my mom was NOT shy about ordering the photographer around. But he was also good with the shots including a lot of the family, etc. We did talk about this beforehand with him as well.

    My parents footed the bill for EVERYTHING, including the rehearsal and the grooms tux. His parents basically showed up and sat and glowered at everyone. They didn't even come to the rehearsal or the dinner, and none of his family did either, except his nephew who was the ring bearer and a friend of the kid's mom brought him and dropped him off!!!
    My husband paid for our rings and the honeymoon. But his family offered to do nothing and offered to pay nothing and made sure that they also had a miserable time as well. But that I now know is typical of that family.
    We had an open bar and that really and totally managed to P off his family as they are all non-drinkers and my family and friends apparantly made up for them!

    I have a pastel green, dotted swiss bridesmaid dress from my sister's wedding in 1971 when I was a Jr. bridesmaid. I don't know why I saved it, but I did. I was wondering if anyone had any suggestions as to something I could make out of it and send to my neice that is getting married the end of the month. It was her mother's wedding that I wore this dress. Since I did save it and I'm not doing anything with it. Do you think it would be ok to make maybe some sachets or a pillow or something for my neice and tell her it was the dress wore in her mom's wedding? Or would that be tacky? I'm planning on sending a gift card from Home Depot as that is what I was told they could use. (and I don't mind being told and I don't mind doing the gift card. It's actually a relief on my part to do something so easy)
    Last edited by MRD; 03-14-2008 at 12:53 PM.
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  9. #209
    Retired! hepcat's Avatar
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    Re: Etiquette Questions

    Quote Originally Posted by myrosiedog
    It used to be that out of town relatives were invited to the rehearsal dinner.
    Exactly! Wow, Marleybone, I would definitely be offended. Even if no one seems to remember these niceties these days, how hard is it to figure out that you have invited 3 out of the 4 out-of-town guests? Your brother should have called up and given his daughter hell about this. I was fortunate to have a lot of out-of-town relatives attend and I made sure they were all invited to the rehearsal dinner - and there were some second cousins in the mix (although to be fair, my 2nd cousins just happen to have grown up with me and are very close to me ). I think feeling like you're not included is one of the worst feelings out there, and the way they handled it by making sure you knew you were on the "C" list of invitees was awful. I know you really can't do this with a niece but I'd be tempted to give them $10 in a card and skip everything.

    I hope your niece realizes how crappy it was to treat you like this someday.
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  10. #210
    On a cupcake mission! Lois Lane's Avatar
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    Re: Etiquette Questions

    Quote Originally Posted by myrosiedog;2842593;
    My parents footed the bill for EVERYTHING, including the rehearsal and the grooms tux. His parents basically showed up and sat and glowered at everyone. They didn't even come to the rehearsal or the dinner, and none of his family did either, except his nephew who was the ring bearer and a friend of the kid's mom brought him and dropped him off!!!
    My husband paid for our rings and the honeymoon.


    Why is it still the bride's family that's footing the most expensive part of the wedding these days? I guess I can understand way back when since most women didn't work outside the home and relied financially on the man to support the family. It almost seems like the bride's family was throwing the shindig to thank him for taking care of their daughter. (Does that sound right or did I just completely make this up? )

    But why is that still the custom these days? Most women work, too, and bring their own fortunes into the marriage. Mr. Lane and I got married in our 30's and had planned on paying for the wedding ourselves. But my parents insisted on paying--I think they know I have a tendency to be, um, thrifty and wanted to give us a really nice wedding. They also gave us money towards our house--even though we didn't need any help--and bought us new furniture and appliances, gave us thousands of dollars in "spending money" for our honeymoon etc. etc. etc. They have no more money than my in laws, but are just overly generous (to a fault, I would say!). We got almost nothing from my inlaws (I was actually a little surprised since they're not poor people) -- but at least they didn't glower at the wedding!

    My parents had open bar at our reception as well and took care of the coat check tips so that our guests didn't have to worry about it. They were so generous to the coat check girl that a couple guests told us later that she refused to accept any tips from them 'cause she said she had already been well taken care of.

    I guess there are certain things I don't think you should cheap out on and that is family/friends. You're already spending a ton of money on this event...

    I'm reading Valerie Bertinelli's autobiography now and she talks about her wedding to Eddie Van Halen in 1980. She was 20, he was 25. They had 450 guests at some fancy hotel in Beverly Hills...and it only cost $35,000 back then! Gees--that's around what our wedding cost for far less people!!! Talk about inflation...

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