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Thread: Etiquette Questions

  1. #121
    MRD
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    Re: Etiquette Questions

    Lois,
    I'm glad your party went well and all the trouble makers stayed home.

    Here's a different approach to the girl that invites herself places. I HATE when people talk about an event I'm NOT invited too right in front of me. Make their plans, go on and on about it and I'm sitting there like an idiot while they talk about doing stuff without me. I think that's rude.

    If I am going somewhere where my friends are not invited, I sure don't talk about it in detail in front of them. I may mention that I have plans on that particular day and leave it at that. I have 2 very good friends that go on a short cruise just about every year. They have NEVER invited me along, but yet talk about it, make their plans in front of me, etc. The 3 of us have been close friends for a long, long time and we did do a lot of stuff together when I lived in Florida. They keep talking about how the 3 of us need to do a girls weekend now that we've all moved,but yet every year they plan this cruise and never invite me and then talk about it to me. I am NOT going to say: Hey, I want to come because obviously if they wanted me along, they'd have asked by now.

    Nilesgirl: I know a few people like that. They are fine in small does. My mom used to say that people like that are like fruitcake: "a little goes a LONG way"

    Miss Kitty, I was going to say I was amazed at these "friends" of yours, but I've been in a similar situation. When we had moved to North Port and didn't really know anyone, we met the parents of a girl my daughter was friendly with in school. They wanted to get together, so we said sure. They came by the house and then proceeded to go on and on about their church. It was a planned prosthelizing mission and they didn't talk about anything else.
    We were polite, but firm that we were very happy where we were and we got them out in a hurry. My husband was PISSED. Needless to say, we didnt' invite them over again and they never talked to us again either. Just as well. I don't want friends that ONLY want to be my friend because they score points by getting me in their church.
    Last edited by MRD; 03-03-2008 at 07:28 AM.
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  2. #122
    Wait, what? ArchieComic Fan's Avatar
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    Re: Etiquette Questions

    Quote Originally Posted by myrosiedog;2822087;
    Here's a different approach to the girl that invites herself places. I HATE when people talk about an event I'm NOT invited too right in front of me. Make their plans, go on and on about it and I'm sitting there like an idiot while they talk about doing stuff without me. I think that's rude.
    I hate this too. I thought it was only something I had to deal with as a teenager but from time to time over the years, I've been placed in that awkward position as an adult too. Friends or relatives discussing plans in front of me but not inviting me or at least offering some lame excuse as to why they didn't invite me.

    In your case myrosie, do they have children too? If not, do you think they figured you wouldn't want to go because of babysitting issues while she was younger? Whatever their reason though, they should have at least asked you and allowed you to say yes or no and they shouldn't have talked about it in front of you if they weren't going to invite you along. I think sometimes people get so comfortable in their long-time friendships that they forget that they can still hurt the other person's feelings.

    Me being the person I am would have eventually asked why they never invited me, I'm just a glutton for punishment that way .

  3. #123
    MRD
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    Re: Etiquette Questions

    Quote Originally Posted by ArchieComic Fan;2822090;
    I hate this too. I thought it was only something I had to deal with as a teenager but from time to time over the years, I've been placed in that awkward position as an adult too. Friends or relatives discussing plans in front of me but not inviting me or at least offering some lame excuse as to why they didn't invite me.

    In your case myrosie, do they have children too? If not, do you think they figured you wouldn't want to go because of babysitting issues while she was younger? Whatever their reason though, they should have at least asked you and allowed you to say yes or no and they shouldn't have talked about it in front of you if they weren't going to invite you along. I think sometimes people get so comfortable in their long-time friendships that they forget that they can still hurt the other person's feelings.

    Me being the person I am would have eventually asked why they never invited me, I'm just a glutton for punishment that way .
    I have had less babysitting problems and less problems going away because of my husband (they have husband issues too) than they do, so it is not that. Their children are much younger than mine. AND here's a kicker, the one asked if my daughter could babysit one time during the weekend she was gone because her husband had to work!!! So not only was I NOT invited, but my daughter was asked to babysit while they went. She did not do it either and I have to admit I was just a tad too gleeful about it as it did cause a BIG problem with her husband and her going away. But its not my child's responsibility to babysit her kids (my daughter did actually have other plans, but still even if she hadn't, I thought it was really rude). It's her responsibility if she's going away to make those arrangements with her husband.

    I don't know why they do it. The one friend and I have known each other longer, but the 3 of us have been close for several years. I have no idea why they do it and I've never asked because well, I was hurt and I think its rude to ask that or invite myself along.
    At this point, I really don't care that much anymore. I still care somewhat, but as I dont' see them on a regular basis anymore, its more distant. But I know they are still planning to go in April again.
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  4. #124
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    Re: Etiquette Questions

    Lois, glad to hear your party went well. That can be so stressful. We had a murder mystery party a few years ago, and the one that we had calls for a very specific amount of people. You can go over, but not under, or someone would have to be 2 characters. We planned it out greatly and made certain that the time and date worked for everyone. All was fantastic until the day of the party. Then one couple decided not to come because they had something more important to do (it wasn't really, but they just decided it was). So because they knew it was for a certain number of people they took it upon themselves to invite another couple for us. I was dumb-founded to say the least. The other girl from the newly invited couple had the sense to know that wasn't right and said they were happy to come but that if we wanted to invite someone else she understood. The newly invited couple went to church with us but we were only acquaintences. Since we didn't have anyone else lined up they came, and we all had a good time, but it was very stressful and freaked me out that someone would have the nerve to invite someone else to my party in her place.

    Another side of the coin about the allergy issue is that MrCoz cannot eat certain foods or it will cause anaphylaxis (sp?). He doesn't like people making a fuss over him, so he'd prefer to not tell people. Usually that doesn't work very well because the host/ess finds out somehow and then complains that we didn't let them know. Or, more rarely, they don't find out and he goes away very hungry because there was nothing there he could eat. Most of our good friends know and work around it, but we occasionally run into people that don't know.

  5. #125
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    Re: Etiquette Questions

    Quote Originally Posted by justCoz;2822324;
    Another side of the coin about the allergy issue is that MrCoz cannot eat certain foods or it will cause anaphylaxis (sp?). He doesn't like people making a fuss over him, so he'd prefer to not tell people. Usually that doesn't work very well because the host/ess finds out somehow and then complains that we didn't let them know. Or, more rarely, they don't find out and he goes away very hungry because there was nothing there he could eat. Most of our good friends know and work around it, but we occasionally run into people that don't know.
    My best friend's husband is in the same boat with food allergies. We have several friends who know about his allergies but forget about them when planning food. So she has taken to quilckly volunteering to bring food anywhere they are invited so he can be assured of having at least one or two dishes he can eat. If its not appropriate for her to bring something, she'll carry something in her purse for him. I remember one party where the hostess made such a big deal about the menu she'd planned (which he could not eat) that he didn't want to offend her by eating snacks out of his wife's purse. So we ended up sneaking the food to him in an operation that got way more complex than it probably needed to be, so he could sneak into the bathroom to eat his smuggled in food without offending the hostess. It at least made for a very entertaining memory!

  6. #126
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    Re: Etiquette Questions

    Quote Originally Posted by justCoz;2822324;
    Another side of the coin about the allergy issue is that MrCoz cannot eat certain foods or it will cause anaphylaxis (sp?). He doesn't like people making a fuss over him, so he'd prefer to not tell people. Usually that doesn't work very well because the host/ess finds out somehow and then complains that we didn't let them know. Or, more rarely, they don't find out and he goes away very hungry because there was nothing there he could eat. Most of our good friends know and work around it, but we occasionally run into people that don't know.
    Mr. Coz sounds like a sweetheart. I actually always ask my invited guests if they are allergic to anything and I keep a list in my agenda so that I know who can't eat what. And when I ask them, I let them know that I ask this of everyone so that they don't feel they're putting me out. I take allergies very seriously. The thing that annoyed me were the addons who I hadn't invited who were telling me they didn't like this or that (no allergies--just a preference).

    Your friends were presumptious and OH SO RUDE...but it sounded like their replacements had common sense and were very polite (and fun).

    MRD, the next time your friends talk about a trip they're not inviting you on, start talking about some fabulous event you're going to without them--even if you have to make it up! They are really rude and I would point it out if I were you. Even just really casually--the next time they bring it up, I would just ask. For some reason, they may have thought you wouldn't want to go (I'm just looking at it from all possibilities). One one my neighbors hadn't invited me to a holiday party once 'cause she didn't think I'd want to go. One of her friends said she should invite me and then she did--and a good time was had by all. It hadn't been her intent to snub me-she just didn't think I'd enjoy talking to a lot of stay at home moms. In reality, I love stay at home moms and look forward to the day when I can become one!

  7. #127
    On a cupcake mission! Lois Lane's Avatar
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    When you're invited to a party...to buy something...

    I think I've told you all that I'm "invited" to so many things where it's basically a get together to get you to buy something (Tupperware, Avon, costume jewelry, you name it, someone I know sells it). Two women who are the most persistent about it will call me at home after the party, if I m unable to attend the party. If I RSVP no, they will offer to bring the stuff to my house or, on some occasions, alter the "party" date to a day I can come. What would you do? I've bought some of their crap to be supportive, but really, how much of this stuff do they expect to sell to their friends and neighbors. And that's the thing that always made me curious about these home-based businessess--isn't the idea to get out there and sell this to people you don't know so you can expand your business, rather than expecting the same 30 people to subsidize your life?

    How do you guys recommend that I handle this? These women are nice, but not what I would consider friends. I've bought stuff from them in the past and really have no need to buy any more of their stuff. Since they aren't getting my hints--and I don't want them to show up at my house to sell me more--what would you say that basically says, "No thank you. I won't be coming to anymore sales parties. But if you ever want to get together for coffee to talk about anything other than work, give me a jingle."

  8. #128
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    Re: When you're invited to a party...to buy something...

    Quote Originally Posted by Lois Lane;2822508;
    I think I've told you all that I'm "invited" to so many things where it's basically a get together to get you to buy something (Tupperware, Avon, costume jewelry, you name it, someone I know sells it). Two women who are the most persistent about it will call me at home after the party, if I m unable to attend the party. If I RSVP no, they will offer to bring the stuff to my house or, on some occasions, alter the "party" date to a day I can come. What would you do? I've bought some of their crap to be supportive, but really, how much of this stuff do they expect to sell to their friends and neighbors. And that's the thing that always made me curious about these home-based businessess--isn't the idea to get out there and sell this to people you don't know so you can expand your business, rather than expecting the same 30 people to subsidize your life?

    How do you guys recommend that I handle this? These women are nice, but not what I would consider friends. I've bought stuff from them in the past and really have no need to buy any more of their stuff. Since they aren't getting my hints--and I don't want them to show up at my house to sell me more--what would you say that basically says, "No thank you. I won't be coming to anymore sales parties. But if you ever want to get together for coffee to talk about anything other than work, give me a jingle."
    I can remember Oprah commenting once that one of the biggest weaknesses in women is an inability to just say the word "no". We always feel obligated to offer up some sort of explanation to go along with the word, and there is truly no reason for it. I'd follow that bit of advice from Oprah, and just give a simple form of "no". Either say "There's just not anything in that product line I need right now" or "I just don't have it in my budget to buy anything right now". Just because they are persistent in asking does not mean that you are obligated to buy anything from them.

  9. #129
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    Re: When you're invited to a party...to buy something...

    Quote Originally Posted by Lois Lane;2822508;
    How do you guys recommend that I handle this? These women are nice, but not what I would consider friends. I've bought stuff from them in the past and really have no need to buy any more of their stuff. Since they aren't getting my hints--and I don't want them to show up at my house to sell me more--what would you say that basically says, "No thank you. I won't be coming to anymore sales parties. But if you ever want to get together for coffee to talk about anything other than work, give me a jingle."
    I believe I've posted this before, but as I'm not entirely comfortable just saying no (Mr. Rattus is, but I like to use a bit of a buffer), I use environmental responsibility as an excuse for not purchasing anything I don't absolutely require. Actually, it's not an excuse, it is a way of life for me, and it's very helpful keeping the local salesfolk from darkening my door.
    All I wanted was a 45, a stinking 45 - the record or the gun. I'd even settle for the damn malt liquor. - Al Bundy.

  10. #130
    On a cupcake mission! Lois Lane's Avatar
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    Re: Etiquette Questions

    Thanks guys! I've tried in the past saying I didn't have it in the budget for any purchases, but then they'd say, "Oh, don't worry about buying. Just come on by." I'm one of those people who feel badly about NOT buying stuff at those type of things. Actually, maybe if I show up, don't buy anything, and then eat all their food, they'll stop inviting me.

    I think I'm just going to say, "No, but thanks for thinking of me" and see how that works out.

    WHY AM I SUCH A WIMP? Is there a thread for that?!

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