Etiquette Questions

[misskitty]

... Menu: crudite and hummus; followed by salad, roast chicken, Italian bread and mashed potatoes. Chocolate ganache cake and coffee/tea will be served for dessert. What do you think?

That sounds marvelous! Your guests should want to attend your dinner to visit with you and not be swayed by what is being served. (Unless, of course, of allergic reactions). But I do understand your thinking!
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Here's a story. The roommate of my ex-boyfriend invited me to his wedding which surprised me. Nevertheless I gave him and his fiance a gift and wished them well, as the wedding was in another province. I was too sick to attend and couldnt' afford airfare. And I really didn't even know the bride at all.

Anyway, about a year or two later, I receive a call from them wondering if we could get together. I invited them over for cake and coffee on a Sunday afternoon. They accepted, arrive and promptly ignore my new boyfriend. Rude.

Then, as I get coffee out and present my nice homemade pineapple coffee cake, they announce that "they do not drink coffee or eat cake anymore". They have sworn to never combine foods ever again. It has changed their life. I was stunned. I couldn't figure out why on earth they didn't say that when we spoke on the telephone. It took a lot of energy for me to make that cake.

They then proceed to badger me with their newfound 'religion' and decide that food combining is why I became sick and ended up on disability. That the doctors, specialists, insurance company, etc., are all wrong and just dont' understand. The entire visit was more than strange, to put it politely. I stood firm on my cake and coffee and ate it right in front of them, whether they liked it or not. Rude of me? Maybe, but by then, I didn't care. My boyfriend, at the time, said that if those were my friends, he'd hate to see my enemies!

Oh, this was the same couple who called me a couple months later and asked "if they invited me to a party, would I come?" I said, yes, my boyfriend and I would gladly attend. I never heard from them again. Rude. And weird, IMO.

[Lois Lane]

misskitty, I don't even know what food combining means -- do they only eat things that aren't mixed with other things? That sounds so freaking weird. And why did they accept an invitation for cake and coffee when they clearly had no intention of eating it. And how dare they stick their unqualified noses in about your illness when they barely even know you. I don't think you were rude at all. I think they were and I think I would've pulled a Gabriel and told them to GET OUT. And then given them my Mona face!



The dinner party last night went so well! As it turned out, all the people who wanted to add people on and wouldn't eat certain things ended up NOT coming. One canceled the day before; others canceled on the day of (!!). One said her boyfriend didn't feel like coming so they weren't. I almost did a dance of joy.

The turnout turned out to be 6 as I had wanted...so even though I had bought way too much food, I was happy. The last guest left at 1:30 a.m. and a good time was had by all. I told everyone they didn't need to bring anything but they were all so nice and brought something (wine, hostess gift, chocolates which were lovely to share at dessert with the cake, coffee etc.).

It was so much fun. And now I know which people will be invited back, and I know that with these friends, I don't have to tell them what's on the menu 'cause they don't care. People all ate seconds and thirds...and if there was something they didn't like, I never knew about it 'cause everything was eaten and enjoyed. I woke up this morning feeling tired but happy. I had been so annoyed about this whole thing but it worked out great.

YAY! Thanks for bearing through all this with me.

I don't mind shopping off a registry if someone tells me where they're registered after I ask them. A lot of times, I have no idea what to get someone so I'd rather get them something they want. I just think it's obnoxious when they register at Tiffany's or at a highend department store and EVERYTHING they want is over $200. I want Brad Pitt, but that doesn't mean I'm going to get him. I'm not getting a $200 gift for someone who isn't that close to me. BUT, I hate being invited when I know I've just been invited to give a gift...I know they're hoping I don't come to the wedding but will send a gift. (Also, people should realize that shipping gifts costs quite a bit, too!) I used to feel obligated to send everyone a gift if I've been invited...but now I only do that for people I'm close to. To the others, I will send a nice card with good wishes. I know that may go against the etiquette books, but I think it's also tacky to invite someone just for a gift.

[Mariner]

I can't believe someone was rude enough to call the day of the party and say they weren't going to come because her boyfriend didn't want to. Wow. Just wow. If I were her, I would have told him that it would be indescribably rude to cancel on a dinner party the day of and that I was going with or without him.

Even if she wasn't willing to take a stand with him, why the hell didn't she just tell you that he was sick?

[nilesgirl]

I have one. I'm friends with a girl who invites herself places all the time. Here's an example. About 5 years ago, I had just met her about 2 weeks before my annual Christmas party. I was talking to my best friend about the logistics for the party (what she should bring and what time it starts) and the other friend chimes in with "I'll try to be there." I never extended an invitation to her. I honestly didn't really want her there because she can be kind of annoying. Seeing her once a week was enough to last a lifetime. Since then, whenever I have a get-together, I tell my best friend not to mention it to the other girl. In fact about 2 years ago, the girl asked if I was still having my party and I lied and told her I had to cancel it because I had something else come up. Then I told my best friend "If she asks you to get together on the day of my party, just make up something. Tell her you have somewhere to be." I think it's rude for anyone to just invite themselves to anything. Don't assume that you're invited just because you're sort of friends with someone. You don't invite yourself to any kind of get together. You wait for the host to invite you. That's why whenever my best friend and I make plans (like if we were to go to Foxwoods), we don't tell the other girl because we know she'll just invite herself. How do you tell someone that by inviting themselves to a party that they weren't invited to by the host is just rude without hurting their feelings?

[Nemeses]

Nilesgirl, I think the way you're going about it is as good a way as any. People who constantly invite themselves to something, without even a "would you mind if I come?" don't give you a lot of choices. A little white lie here and there in that case works as well as anything, in my opinion.

Lois, I'm glad your party went well, in spite of the rudeness of two invited guests. Feeling tired but happy the day after is a great sign. And it sounds like the ones who did come were great guests, not complaining about food, etc. I'm happy for ya! And I agree with you, inviting someone just for their gift is really tacky, and by no means should anyone feel obligated to get a gift for someone they barely even know. I think a card is fine in those cases.

misskitty, oh my god, I don't know how you had the patience to deal with that guy and his new wife! And why was your health even a topic of discussion between them, anyway? You hadn't even met her at that point. How nosy some people are. But then to accept an invite for coffee and cake, then start preaching at you and pointing out the error of your lifestyle.... how rude! Were their names Tom and Katie? And then ignoring your boyfriend on top of all that. Wow.

[Missyboxers]

Lois Lane, I'm glad your party went well, and it's great that you now know which of your friends are gracious guests to be invited in the future, and which are not.

misskitty, wow, that's just... strange. What's food combining? I've never even heard of that. I thought it was when two different items on your plate touched-- like Alaina Whitaker's phobia from American Idol last week. Frankly, I bet homemade pineapple upside down cake is a lot better for you than a lot of other things, what with the preservatives in so many prepackaged foods and so forth! (It also sounds really good, you're making me hungry!)

[brunette trixie]

Lois I'm so glad your party turned out so well. Too bad that the people who didn't show just said they weren't coming when you invited them, it would have saved you a lot of stress/worry this past week.

Misskitty You handled that situation with far more grace and aplomb than I could have. I hate when people try to push their beliefs on others.

[waywyrd]

I had to go look up food combining, aka the Dr. Hay diet. Sounds like a bunch of hooey to me.

Dr. Hay diet - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Either way, what rude people to preach like that!

[misskitty]

Lois: I'm so glad your party was a hit! Sounds like you've made some great friends and clearly know who was rude to back out at the last minute!

nilesgirl: Meowza. Does that girl not have many friends?

Waywyrd: Food combining was just another "fad" . They both lost weight on it and felt great, but they imposed their eating lifestyle choice on everyone. They even told me they had a meeting with their families, and then either brought their own food or only ate certain things. It was strange. They sounded like they had joined a food cult and it was the answer to the problems of the world. I'm not against food combining; if it works for you great! It's just the way they were preaching it and believing it would cure cancer.

[nilesgirl]

misskitty, she has people who at the very least tolerate her. She's a great girl but has a tendency of really getting on people's nerves if taken in large doses.