Losing a Mom

[lopevian]

Eastcoastmom... Condolences to you and all you missed as a younger mother. I'm guessing that your Mom was glad you brought her to the party, despite the struggles she faced. I'm guessing she was happy to be there to share the day with you. 24 years is no different from one year when it comes to a missing a mother's love. My heart goes out to you for the longing you've carried for those years.

Famita, forgot to say how happy I am for you that you still have your Mom in your life. A bit of wistful envy going on at the same time, but mostly just a heart full of happiness for you!

[J.D.]

I've been away from the fort for a while - but I was missing my mom a lot the other day and I remembered this thread and decided to come back for a peek. It's so comforting here, just knowing I'm not alone. I was watching the special on tv celebrating Betty White's 90th birthday just sobbing. My mom looked and acted so much like Betty - just adorable. My tears weren't completely sad though...it was a mixed bag of emotions - I haven't quite figured out what all of them meant yet. I just know I miss my mom right now.

[mountaingirl70]

awww JD, I am sorry you are feeling her loss more keenly. *hug* If your Mom was like Betty White, then what a wonderful Mom you had! Such a pistol! Thank goodness for memories and love that we feel.

A good friend just died on friday, leaving her husband and 2 sons.... she was only 56 and they had lost their eldest son a few years ago to a car crash. When I think of her and her family, eventhough sad, I am grateful that they had such a loving, caring Mom.... not everyone gets one of those. I grieve for the woman who doesn't get to see her sons (both really good boys!) grow up and marry and have children of their own. She would have been a wonderful grandma.... as she was a wonderful mom.

My Mom passed in 1996.... but I miss her keenly at times, too. I miss that she didn't get to be part of my children's lives. I miss her laugh.... although when I laugh really hard, I can hear her in my laughter.

I am grateful that I had such a good Mom. How lucky was I to learn so much from her and remember all the good times? Pretty lucky, I think.

Peace and comfort to all of you here who are missing your Mom or loved one.

[Bunny555]

to you JD. I know how special your Mom must have been to have raised such an awesome daughter.

Fantastic post mountaingirl! I am so sorry for the loss of your friend.

[Miss Scarlet]

I haven't seen this thread before, but I'm so glad I found it. It's making me feel sad, but also feel good in that I'm not alone in this.
My mom passed away almost 10 years ago and it's still hard for me. After her passing I wanted to call her on the phone & ask her if this is what she felt like when she lost her mom & ask how long you feel this way. But obviously I couldn't because she is the one I lost. Over the 10 years I've felt the same urge over & over, whenever something happens (even aging) that I feel I need her input.
It never goes away. You just get used to it & learn to accept it and move on with your life, but the feeling of loss stays.
After all this time I still feel like "I WANT MY MOM BACK!!!!!"
I still feel like I've been orphaned.

A few months after my mom passed I was talking about this with my grown daughter & said I feel so lost & alone. Mom was the one with all the sensible answers. The one holding the safety net if I ever fell apart, emotionally or if my life fell apart & I needed advice or bailing out. Even though I never need the bailing out, I knew it was there, & that feeling of safety left with her.
Her answer: "But Mom, that's exactly what YOU are to US."
At that point all I could think was "OMG! They think I'M the one who knows the answers????? I know NOTHING & they're depending on ME?????" It was terrifying!

I guess that's what passing the torch is. Each generation has to be that all omnipotent answer giver for the next.
The kids become the old folk & the grandkids become the adult kids.

[Cootie]

Miss Scarlet, I am glad you found this discussion and shared how your mom is still with you. You are so right that missing your mom is something that continues. When I was at my mom's funeral, I had the same revelation as you have about being the one who is my daughter's safety net. Having my daughter need me helped me work on the pain I felt at losing my mom.

Recently someone posted on F&G a question about "who is your best friend that is not a relative?" and I struggled with the answer. I do have long time close friends but I don't even talk to them very much as I have gotten too busy. I told my 25 year old daughter about this and how sad it is, but she said that it was okay because she was my best friend! I am so fortunate to have her. I would never have called my mom my best friend, not in those words because she was my mom, but in hindsight she was in so many ways. We lived over 800 miles away from each other, but were always in touch, sharing day to day frustrations and celebrations. When we visited with each other, we both made it a point to do special things for each other and liked talking about things like sewing, gardening and furniture refinishing (that others in our lives weren't that excited about).

I hope the happy memories outweigh the loss for you! You might not know all the answers that your kids ask of you, but really if they feel that way about you, you are doing a good job!

JD, I am glad you find comfort in this thread. There are so many of us who understand. Reading the posts and writing about my mom have definitely helped lessen the loss I felt for so many years. I am much more philosophical about it now. Having a Betty White mom must have been quite interesting! My mom would have probably liked her, too!

[lopevian]

J.D., my heart goes out to you, and to everyone missing their Mom. I know that feeling, and I know there is not a whole lot we can do to ease it.

I've learned to live without my Mom, but her passing has changed me. The most significant change, and one that my Mom would seriously disapprove of, is that I cuss like nobody's freakin' business. A real gutter mouth. The obvious explanation for it is that I am angry. But that's not it...for example, I said to the Mister late last year, "&#(! Look at that beautiful &&%)()^ rainbow!". I can't account for it. Something I've learned, though, is that an old lady (or a lady who just looks old) cussing is funny stuff. I boarded a very crowded bus a while back, and these two young men decided they wanted off, even though they had just boarded the bus right ahead of me. They were pushing me and being very rude about it. Their behavior was disgusting. The front of the bus was still loading as I'm standing in front of the back door, and these two guys are standing on the street right in front of me, discussing how to remove their heads from their a$$e$ (or at least they should have been). I watched the last person up front board, because I knew once they were on, my door would close. I timed it perfectly. I said to these two jerks, in a very "old lady" voice..."have a nice day". They both looked up at me, and I said, "mo^*er f(*^ers". Again, using a sweet old lady voice. Just as I said it, the doors closed and the back of the bus burst into laughter. A few people even clapped. I took one of those exaggerated bows, with the arm waving and all. I don't know what's behind my swearing. But it is a direct result of losing my Mom, I know that for sure. Maybe it's because she's not around to tell me to wash my mouth out with soap...maybe it's something as simple as a feeling of liberation from my Mom's insistence that "bad words have no place in decent society". But I feel no compulsion to rebel against her, so I don't think it's that, either. I no longer believe society is decent...maybe that's what it is.

J.D., your Mom must have been something special. I aspire to be like the incomparable Betty White, which means I aspire to be like your beloved Mom. I know she must have been a hoot, because her daughter sure is! I hope that you are in a good place with your memories, but I also know there will be those days when you miss her like crazy.

Mountaingirl70, my condolences to you on the loss of your friend. She sounds like a wonderful person, and I really feel for her family, particularly her sons. Thoughts and prayers go out to you.

Miss Scarlet, so sorry to read about the loss of your Mom. No matter how much time passes, we're always going to want our Moms back. I loved your post!

Cootie, every time I see that you have posted in this thread, I know I am going to smile and feel warm inside. You have such a beautiful way of articulating the love between mother and child. That's something only a mother can do.

to all!

[PA Snow Bunny]

I still have my Mom who is 87. I lost my Dad 12 years ago. There are days with my Mom that are difficult but I am grateful to still have her but right now the stress she is causing me is affecting my health. I am very fortunate that my oldest son is living with her now & looking after her to help me out.
Everyday is the same story...she has had so many operations. She had 1, a hip replacement 10 years ago. I had cancer twice but she never hears me complain about it.

[lopevian]

PA Snow Bunny, my condolences to you on the loss of your Dad.
I am so glad to read that you have beaten cancer twice. Stress can wreak havoc on the body, and the less of it in one's life, the better. I hope having your son living with her will continue to ease some of the stress for you. She may be confused, regarding operations she never had. I'm trying very hard right now to get my 86 year old Dad off the road, and it is stressful. Best wishes to you.

(Thank you very much to the State of California for renewing his license. He's good to go until his 88th birthday. That's insane!)

[lopevian]

Apologies for the swearing! It developed after my Mom's passing, so I mentioned it. After much thought, I realize what brought it about. My older brother and I get together each week at my Dad's house, and the three of us watch English and Irish movies and television. We started doing this right after my Mom passed away, to help Dad from being lonely. I've seen hundreds of hours of dramas and comedies, and both the Irish and the English cuss up a storm. It simply rubbed off. Yes, I feel daft and this whole swearing thing is bollocks!