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Thread: Losing a Mom

  1. #31
    everything under the sun lopevian's Avatar
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    Thank you Miss Kitty. I know you miss your "Baba". It's the hardest thing we do in life, bury our loved ones.

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    Shoveling the ocean MissThing's Avatar
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    lopevian, I'm so sorry for your loss. To re-iterate what's been stated, it really does never go away, but it does get better over time. My mother died the day before my 30th birthday, many years ago, now.

    For the longest time after she passed away, I felt as if she was with me all the time (doing her angel work, I think), watching me. I didn't live near where she'd lived at the time, so I felt physically closer to her than I had in years. We'd always been close, but not geographically for the last 12 years of her life.

    Still, to this day, I'll wake up from a dream and think that I have to call her to tell her about it. I also dream with her as a participant all the time. I can't explain it, but it's actually a very warm and loving experience, and I'm glad that I have it.

    One thing I want to mention - don't be afraid to be emotional about it. People say (and to a certain extent, it's true) that the first of everything is the worst after the death of someone close. But, I cried about it for quite some time (well over a year) afterwards. To me, that's healthy.
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    NI FORT fan Belfastgirl's Avatar
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    I lost my Mum to cancer when I was 18. Sadly, my main memories are of her being ill as she had her diagnosis when I was a child, about 8. I work with someone who is always complaining about her elderly mother and it makes my blood boil!! I feel like letting rip at her about how lucky she is!!
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  4. #34
    A Swirl of Leaves Arielflies's Avatar
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    Re: Losing a Mom

    lopvian - I notice this thread hasn't been active in quite awhile, but roseskid mentioned it in the koffee klatch thread. My Mom died (at age 84) almost 10 months ago (and my Dad died three weeks later.) I go for long stretches now on an even keel, but then a wave a grief will knock me over. I've heard of a book called something like Mothers and Daughters that was recommended, but haven't sought it out. I'm trying to handle my regrets about what I could have done to make her last days easier, but I can't let go yet. What kept me going the past months has been the estate affairs, but those have now been handled, except for sorting through pictures and dealing with those bits and pieces of their lives that I haven't been able to face.

    I understand that grief is always with you, and maybe especially because of the Mother/Daughter bond. In three days she would have been 85.
    The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity. Dorothy Parker, (attributed)

  5. #35
    Team DAN schmoo2's Avatar
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    Re: Losing a Mom

    I lost my mother last week. She was 91.
    I was lucky in that she moved within a mile of us 2 years ago and I had at least once a week visit with her, and we got to go out once in a while. She was healthy up until a month ago. But she was happy with her life and had a full one.
    She basically made her choice to join my father, and stopped eating. anything. She was a very determined woman. It was hard. we tried to talk her out of it at first, but once Hospice came in (a month ago) - we backed off.

    my brother got to come in from Australia and spend a good week with her - and I was there daily for the last 2 weeks. and there when she passed. And it was peaceful and painless.

    sometimes I feel like I'm not crying enough... I miss her, but she is where she wants to be now and I am happy for her. Is that wrong?
    Yes, I'm confused, and not sure what I should be feeling.

  6. #36
    A Swirl of Leaves Arielflies's Avatar
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    Re: Losing a Mom

    You feel what you feel. There is no right or wrong. What I've learned is that we each grieve in our own way. Cliches - but true.

    My Mom and I left so many things unsaid. Because of trauma in her young life she was never able to voice the words, I Love You. As I was leaving for a rest break at home, not knowing that would be the last time I would see her, she said, "Thank you for what you have done." Those words are as precious to me as I love you. Now, I'm crying again. Even after the numbness wears off, the emotional blows remain.
    The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity. Dorothy Parker, (attributed)

  7. #37
    Wonky snarkmistress Lucy's Avatar
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    Re: Losing a Mom

    I'm sorry for your loss, Schmoo. And even though it sounds like she wanted to go, and certainly lived a full life, and you and your brother had time to say goodbye, it's perfectly normal for YOU to still want her around. It sounds like she had a good life and a good death, in a sense. I'd say whatever you're feeling IS what you should be feeling.
    It's such a fine line between stupid, and clever. -- David St. Hubbins

  8. #38
    FORT Fanatic saintslovebell's Avatar
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    Re: Losing a Mom

    I know how you feel lopevian, here's my story

    When I was about 9 or 10 years old I lost my mom due to a gunshot wound to the head. It was about 3am when it happended. The guys told her to come over to where they were and she did since she was pulling out anyways and they got into the car and told her to drive somewhere, well she had the courage to say "no" and she tried to get out and the guy that had the gun shot her in the head and she was killed. I am so lost without her. Its been 11 years since she's been gone. People say that its suppose to be easier as time goes by but to me it just gets harder.

    I know that she's in a better place and is your mom and that they are looking down on us and smiling and just guiding us the best that they can. Keep your head up and if you ever need someone to talk to, Im always here as is everyone else.

  9. #39
    FORT Fogey ScoutMom's Avatar
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    Re: Losing a Mom

    Anytime you lose a loved one, it's hard, but there's something different about losing your mom. My mom died over 30 years ago, and I still wonder what she would think about certain things and hate that she's missing out on things that happen in my life. It does eventually get easier. But getting easier doesn't mean that you forget. It just means it doesn't hurt as much. My sincere sympathies go out to anyone who has lost their mom. As a friend of mine said once, there's no one like your mom or your grandmom.

  10. #40
    MRD
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    Re: Losing a Mom

    Schmoo
    I am sorry for your loss. There is no right or wrong way to grieve.
    I had a friend die 18 months ago from cancer. He suffered greatly and was ready to go. I cried, but I was also happy. He was no longer living a half life in agony. So don't think that you aren't crying enough or are happy when you should be sad. Grief is a conflict of emotions. When my mom died I could go from laughing to crying to laughing in a matter of minutes about it.

    When we lose a mom, part of our childhood goes with them. The person that knew when we took our first steps, that kept our baby teeth in an envelope in her sock drawer, that remembered how old we were when we first learned to ride a bike, has taken those memories with her. But memories are fantastic things. They keep the loved one so near and they are so easy to take out and look at anytime, anywhere. I now can recall my parents without crying, but for a while it was hard. But I do have many, many fond memories and still enough people to share them with and now we remember and laugh about them and I think our mom's (and loved ones) would be happy to know that they get thought about with love and laughter often.

    My thoughts and prayers are with you.
    Que me amat, amet et canem meum
    (Who loves me will love my dog also)

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