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Thread: Losing a Mom

  1. #361
    FORT Fogey norealityhere's Avatar
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    Re: Losing a Mom

    Quote Originally Posted by Bunny555;3295995;
    This made me smile. I hope they're saying nice things about us to each other. I can just see my Mom bringing up the time I tried making candles when my parents weren't home and poured hot wax down the kitchen sink.
    My mother told your mother that she could top her story and she proceeded to tell her about the time I stuck the ball point pen through my forehead. I still can't believe I survived that one.

  2. #362
    FORT Fanatic Ace Medallion's Avatar
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    I need some advice....

    My Mother passed away two days ago and I do not know what to do with myself. There are hours that go by where I feel ok and then it will hit me again and I will have a tearful meltdown. I don't feel like I will ever be able to get over this. I am just asking for some advice, how did you all get through things like this? My mother was my best friend and I cannot accept that I will never be able to speak to her again. It just doesn't feel possible. People keep telling me it will get easier but I don't believe that. It can never be better unless I speak to her again. Just any kind of support or advice is greatly appreciated.

  3. #363
    FORT Fogey Ellen's Avatar
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    Re: Losing a Mom

    First of all, Ace Medallion, a big virtual hug.
    Next, I'm very lucky that my mom is still alive. But I felt as you did when my grandmother (my mom's mom) died. Someone suggested the following to me, which I thought was hokey when I first heard it, but when I did it, it helped a lot, at least in the area of starting to process my feelings:

    Write a letter to the loved one. Anything. Whatever is on your mind and in your heart. Love. Sadness. Anger.
    Write a response to that letter, but writing as your loved one. (Yeah, I know -- it sounds stupid. How the heck do I know what mom/grandma/etc. would say to me in response?) That person is really a part of you, and deep inside somewhere, you very likely know what s/he would say in response to your letter. So go ahead and write a response.
    Read both letters and cry a lot. (Or not -- there are no rules to this.) You'll feel better. Not completely for probably a long time. But it helped me. And I hope that, if you try it, it'll help you.
    "There's no crying in baseball!"
    -- Tom Hanks, A League of Their Own

  4. #364
    Go Teams! inthegarden's Avatar
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    Re: Losing a Mom

    AM I am so sorry for your lose. My Dad died 19 yrs. ago, he was my best friend and I still pick up the phone to call him sometimes. It is just a reflex I guess. It gets easier but I still wish that I could talk to him, get his advice.

  5. #365
    Premium Member dagwood's Avatar
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    Re: Losing a Mom

    Ace. I am so sorry for your loss. When I lost my father two years ago I felt like you do. If you feel the need to cry, then cry. Expect it to hit at weird times. Don't be afraid to go to your friends or family if you need to talk. Nothing is better than someone who will listen when you need to talk.

  6. #366
    I won't forget Cootie's Avatar
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    Re: I need some advice....

    Quote Originally Posted by Ace Medallion;3394507;
    My Mother passed away two days ago and I do not know what to do with myself. There are hours that go by where I feel ok and then it will hit me again and I will have a tearful meltdown. I don't feel like I will ever be able to get over this. I am just asking for some advice, how did you all get through things like this? My mother was my best friend and I cannot accept that I will never be able to speak to her again. It just doesn't feel possible. People keep telling me it will get easier but I don't believe that. It can never be better unless I speak to her again. Just any kind of support or advice is greatly appreciated.
    I am so sorry for your loss. It is a great one, indeed. And just two days ago, so the sadness is at the surface. If you have read any of the posts in this forum, you will understand that we all have hurt a great deal over the loss of our moms, and that even with time there are triggers for our sadness, such as birthdays and other special days or events that occur. But some things in my day to day life have gotten better over the last 8 years since my mom's death. I can enjoy wonderful memories of her and tend to focus on those memories when I get sad. I can also enjoy the stories that others tell about their moms and feel a kinship with those who grieve for loved ones. Laughter and joy are very healing.

    You mention not believing that you will not be able to speak to her again. That is definitely the hard part for me, too. Even after all this time. Those ordinary everyday conversations are more dear than we often realize. But I do continue to converse with my mom, she just doesn't answer back. I have to imagine what she would say and usually I know.

    I think for myself the best thing that helps me feel better about her loss is to honor her memory by being a good mom/person myself. And to live my life in a way that she would be proud of. She would have appreciated me missing her so much, but was the type to enjoy the babies in our family and was intent on supporting all her children and grandchildren by listening and being there for them.

    I spent many years sorting through her things and that was a tough job, but I found ways to enjoy that, too. I got to distribute her items to members of our family, which made them feel better about the loss. Being a giver is very therapeutic.

    After my mom's funeral, my daughter and I drove home (15 hours). During that drive we talked about not only being good to others, but to remember to take care of our own needs and to find balance in life. I often want to help and volunteer at the expense of my health and family time(like my mom). So I made a vow to remember to take care of myself in my mom's memory. My daughter suggested I get myself a special ring to wear in memory of my mother. That way I could look at it and remember that promise. It was very uncharacteristic of me to buy jewelry for myself, but it turned out to be a very wonderful idea. I wear that ring everyday and it strangely helps.

    I am glad you found your way to our forum. You are free to express your sadness here. My ideas on coping may not work for you, but you will know that there are others who have gone through the hurt. It is okay to melt down, especially in the first fews days after the death.

    I will be thinking of you.

  7. #367
    MRD
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    Re: Losing a Mom

    Ace, my thoughts and prayers are with you. Yes, the first few days and weeks are hard, but it slowly starts to heal and one day down the road you realize, hey, I haven't cried or thought of her in 2 or 3 days now. Cootie's post was great and much of what I could have written too. I do urge you to read the posts in this thread as they all contain a lot of help and support that might help you at this sad time. I also like Ellen's idea. My mom left me a letter as she knew whe was going to die. But I still talk to her. It's not the same, b ut I still do it.

    Know you have a support system here. And don't be afraid to talk to someone you trust like a close friend of your mom's (several were great to me) or a minister, etc. I did go to grief counseling and that helped me tremendously.

    Sending prayers. It will get easier. I won't say better, I won't say you get over it. But you do find a way to live with it that and I hope that one day you are able to live with it. There are NO rules for grief, so don't let anyone tell you to "get over it" or it was "for the best" or any of that crap or that you've grieved long enough, etc. You grieve the way you need to and the time you need too and tell anyone that tries to tell you this stuff thanks, but no thanks. I say this because I did get some of that from family.
    Que me amat, amet et canem meum
    (Who loves me will love my dog also)

  8. #368
    FORT Fogey famita's Avatar
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    Re: Losing a Mom

    Ace, I'm so sorry for your loss. I know that there are many different ways to get through things like this and this is the best group to help. Everyone has great things that has helped them through their tribulations and the best thing is that you can pick and choose what you think will work for you. Know that we are thinking about you with your loss and that we are sending you hugs, thoughts and prayers. For me, I wrote my son a letter to put in his coffin. I talk to him at times, and I "hear" him answer (I know it's really what I imagine he'd say). His friends stop by to remember him and to tell stories. Do know that you can get through this. Know that everyone is different in their process-there is no right or wrong way. Take care.

  9. #369
    Got wings 9/19/2012 buglover's Avatar
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    Re: Losing a Mom

    Ace, I'm sorry to hear of your loss. Everyone handles grief differently but I do know from experience that the stages are true. You get angry and then sad and then angry again. I think I spent the first 4 years angry about the whole thing. I would have fits of crying and feeling hopeless and then go right back to being angry. After almost 9 years I still miss my mother everyday and I too have the habit of reaching for the phone even after all of this time to call her and update her on things in my life. It's very difficult so be tender with yourself. I now have acceptance but I still cry. Namaste.
    Yup, with donuts!!

  10. #370
    FORT Fogey ScoutMom's Avatar
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    Re: Losing a Mom

    Oh Ace, I'm so sorry for your loss. I know it's not much comfort, but time does help. You never get over missing your loved one; it just becomes easier to bear. I still talk to my mom like she was standing beside me, and she's been gone for 36 years. Please know that there are people here no matter when you need someone to "talk" to. We're a very supportive group. I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

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