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Thread: Losing a Mom

  1. #21
    everything under the sun lopevian's Avatar
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    Thank you all again for sharing your stories. I got something out of each and every post. They have helped me tremendously. My Mom was not dying, she was recuperating from open heart surgery. At 82, it was a struggle, but I was in awe of her courage and determination. She overcame many serious setbacks, but she slipped away. I think she was very tired.
    Thank you so much for all the advise. I've always been one to follow my instincts, and yesterday my instinct was to start this thread, that help and comfort would follow. It certainly did, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
    "...Mr. Bluebird on my shoulder..."

  2. #22
    Never a dull moment! chrelsey's Avatar
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    Lopevian - Please accept my most heartfelt condolences, hugs, etc. at this most difficult time in your life.

    I lost my mom only four months ago, and as others have said - there will be good days, and there will be bad days. The secret for me is to enjoy the good days - where I am warmed by my fond memories, and to keep on pushing through on the bad days - where the memories and sadness seem to overwhelm me.

    I don't know what your situation is, but taking care of all of the details with my mom fell to me - and still continues to fall to me as we are still dealing with her estate, the selling of her house, etc. I will echo what other wise souls here have shared in that you need to give yourself time and permission to grieve. Sometimes I think I still am so caught up in all of the "details" that I haven't yet truly grieved, and I have to keep reminding myself that it's o.k. to let that be a part of the process.

    Please feel free to PM me anytime. As a fellow traveler on this road of grief, I am always here to listen.
    I don't have OCD, I have CDO. It's like OCD except that the letters are in alphabetical order like they should be!

  3. #23
    MRD
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    FORT Fogey MRD's Avatar
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    my condelences Lopevian. In 2 weeks it will be the 6th anniversary of my mom's passing I lost her 18 months after losing my grandmother and father.
    It's not easy and I know what you are going through. It does get easier and what helped me the most and it took 9 months and you'll see why in a min, is that I was with both of my parents when they passed. I was able to tell them goodbye and hold their hands. Holidays are hard. I still have usually one day during the Christmas season, when I break down, but thankfully its at home now and not in the middle of the candlelight service on Christmas Eve while everyone else was singing silent night and all you could hear was me sobbing against my husband in the church pew.

    My mom's birthday was Sept. 11. She died in Jan. 2001. She had been sick a long time, so it wasn't unexpected, but it still was a struggle. I mean, when you lose your mom, your childhood goes with it. Or it did for me. I have no one now that knows how I skint my knee falling off my bike first learning to ride it. Or how she sat up with me for 3 nights during the 1968 Democratic Convention watchig the riots and holding my head as I threw up from the worst flu ever. I still find myself going to the phone to call her to tell her something I just found out that I know she'd want to know about. BUT, I now live my life for my family and go on as I know neither of my parents would want me to always be sad over them. In fact now I (I have a sick twisted sense of humor), but I occasionally talk to their canisters of ashes. When we unloaded the uhaul and I had a box in my hand that I knew what was in it, I handed it to my husband off the truck and said: "here's mom and dad, go show them their new home". I put my dad on top of the tv Mon. night to watch the Gators win the national championship and afterwards I jumped around with him yelling: Dad, they did it again!. Weird I know, but it helps me. I try to find humor in every situation.

    But to get back to Sept. 11. The entire week leading up to that day, I was dreading. It was the first birthday my mom was gone. I knew it was going to be rough. Well after that first plane hit the World Trade Center, I never thought about my mother all day. I watched tv for a week in horror as did the rest of the country and finally it hit me. Watching the interviews with people searching for their loved ones, or hearing their loved ones say good bye on voice mail was just heart wrenching for me. And it hit me. I had at that time 38 years with my mom. She had lived 68 years and had a good life.
    I was with her at the end, I held her hand, told her it was ok to go, that I loved her. In NY, PN and DC there were thousands that couldn't say that after the attacks. And that's when it hit me that I was lucky. Yes, very lucky because so many others had experienced that loss is such a more tragic and horrible way. And that's when my grieving period stopped and I started living again for my mom. I still talk about her, tell stories about her, she's in a photo overlooking me right now. I just remember the good parts, remember how she wanted me to be, how I carry her inside me and how much my daughter reminds me of her. I am half my mother and half my father. I have both of them in me and that helps me know that while they are gone, I am who I am because of them.
    I wish you hope, peace and understanding on your journey. It really is a journey and like any journey. Their is an end to it. So your grief will end and be replaced with wonderful, but bittersweet memories. Good luck my thoughts and prayers are with you.
    Que me amat, amet et canem meum
    (Who loves me will love my dog also)

  4. #24
    OOOOOOO SPARKLEY mischief4911's Avatar
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    Lopevian , I too am sorry for your loss. My mom passed this past may and I still miss her everyday. Last January when she was in the hospital again the doctors finally said that there was nothing more they could do for her. Her heart failure was in its end stages and her kidneys were shutting down. She had been deteriorating for the last 10 years the last 3 of which were at a much quicker pace. She couldnt even walk across a room anymore and hated that she had to live that way. She and I talked alot (even more than we always did) those last couple of months and she too was 82 and felt she had lived a wonderful and full life. She felt blessed with what she had had and was ready to move on . Hospice was called and they were a true blessing , caring for her (and Dad) when we couldn't be there , making sure she had everything she needed to keep her comfortable and being there for us to talk to if we needed something. I just got some pamphlets in the mail a couple of days ago from them with information on grieving and the social worker called last week to check up on us and see if we needed anything. You could call your local Hospice and they could point you in the direction of some counciling and groups so you could share your feelings (it helps alot).
    It does get easier , it is different for everyone as to what makes one feel better or helps ease the grief , your heart will lead you. I think about my mom everyday , I dont cry everytime now, her birthday and the holidays were really hard for us without her , and Dad had a really hard time on what would have been their 59th wedding anniv. but we got through it all because we know she is still here with us.
    Im here if you need to talk ...
    "YOU BREATH THE SAME AIR THE BILLIONAIRES DO" Russell Simmons

    "We make a living from what we get, but we make a life from what we give." Winston Chruchill

  5. #25
    everything under the sun lopevian's Avatar
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    Thank you for sharing those beautiful stories. Thank you for adding to the needed layers of perspective that will help me to heal. Thank you for reaffirming that laughter is truly the best medicine, and for adding to my endless list of gratitude for my mother. She was so funny, and left us volumns of heart warming laughs. Thank you for your kind hearted offers of help, when your own wounds are still so fresh. I'll never hold my mother in my arms again, but thank you so much for reminding me of all the love and memories that I will forever hold in my heart.
    "...Mr. Bluebird on my shoulder..."

  6. #26
    FORT Fogey livin4reality's Avatar
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    lopevian, I'm sorry about your loss. I lost my mom 10 years ago. A car accident. Nobodys fault. We think she may have fallen asleep. Mom was an excellent driver-no accidents or tickets. But this time she wasn't wearing her seatbelt and was ejected. My sister was with her and luckily was wearing hers. She sustained a broken neck and after many surgerys is doing well. We were all in shock for a long time. Mom used to stop by every morning and see her grandbabies. She would feed them breakfast and give them baths. Rock to them and sing. I miss my Mom so much. Now her grandbabies are almost grown and I wish they could have known her all this time but God didn't see it that way. Those of you who have you mothers still, love them and cherish them.

  7. #27
    everything under the sun lopevian's Avatar
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    Livin4reality, I am so sorry to read what your family has been through. That is such a targic and deeply sad story. My condolences to you and your family, for having lost your mother, and for your kids who don't have their grandmother. That is so wonderful your sister is recuperating. I wish her, and you, the best. Thank you for sharing your story. I know you must have been in shock, accidents are so sudden. Thank you for your kind condolences.
    "...Mr. Bluebird on my shoulder..."

  8. #28
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    hi lopevain, sorry to hear about your mom, hang in there and stay strong.

  9. #29
    everything under the sun lopevian's Avatar
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    Thank you davidrespect, for your kind and encouraging words. It's been three months and nine days since Mom passed away, and I still cry everyday. Some days just a little, and some days it's as if it just happened. I have read a few wonderful books, and did attend a few berevement meetings. The hardest part for me has been missing her. I miss her so much, everything about her. Life, in so many ways, just sucks right now. I can't look at my Dad, or hear his voice on the phone, without wanting to break down. He misses her so much, he's lost without her. We try to be strong for each other, but we're basically basket cases right now. We know it will get better, it's just hard to fathom. I think we're both still in shock that she slipped away, she had been improving, and we were hopeful and overjoyed, and then she was gone.

    I try to stay busy, and am a firm believer in diversion therapy. FORT is a wonderful place for putting a smile on my face.

    Thank you again, it really means a lot.

  10. #30
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    My sincere condolences to everyone who has lost their Mom, either recently or in the past.

    I still have mine. But my Mom does not have hers. She doesn't say much, but I know she misses her tremendously.

    And I miss my Baba something awful.
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

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