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Thread: Losing a Mom

  1. #191
    FORT Fogey Margaritaville's Avatar
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    Re: Losing a Mom

    My heart goes out to you, Buglover. I cannot imagine the pain of losing a child. God bless.

  2. #192
    FORT Fogey Tribal Speak's Avatar
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    Re: Losing a Mom

    I lost my Mom, suddenly, on May 6th. Sometime between 9:45 and 9:50 PM. A fire broke out in a first floor back corner unit of the apartment building she lived in. The fire gutted that unit and the two above it. The FD couldnít determine what caused it, but it was accidental. There was a propane tank on the second floor balcony that accelerated it. The whole building was affected by smoke. A small building. About 24 units. Itíll take them one year to make it habitable again. Mom lived on the third floor, center, front. She was 80. She began having difficulty with her back last December. Sheíd been getting around with a walker since then. She was somewhat bed-ridden at the time. Her back was acting up on her again and bed was the only thing that would relieve the pain. They found her about 6 feet from the front door in the front lobby, first floor. Her walker was in the lobby also, meaning she took the elevator down. No way would she have been able to go down the stairs. She died of smoke inhalation. The smoke was the worst on the first floor. The walls were black. Iím told it would have been relatively painless as she would have passed out before expiring, but just the same she must have been terrified. Her unit had a thin layer of soot over everything. Her only chance would have been the balcony. I was visiting her about once a month recently. I live a fair distance away. A brother of mine, who lives closer, but still a fair distance, was visiting about once a week, if not more. Helping her out with laundry, groceries and other things. She lived in the building for 29 years. We were going to move her out first week in June. Closer to my brother. Same building as he, actually, as he has a spare condo. 29 years and nothing. 1 month to go and this. But what I think about the most is what I will never know. Her journey out of her unit and down the elevator to the lobby. I wonder what her first alert was. The smell of smoke? The fire alarm? Both? I wonder if she knew just how serious a fire it was. She left her jacket, purse and keys behind so she left in a hurry. I wonder what the smoke was like on the third floor at the time she left. I wonder if she considered going backÖto her balcony, only to discover she couldnít because she didnít take her keys and, thus, locked herself out of her unit. Two other elderly women died in this tragedy also. One of the others was found in the third floor hallway. I wonder if Mom came across that woman. I wonder if Mom came across anyone else on the third floor, or was she the last to leave. I wonder if the elevator was already at the third floor, or did she have to wait for it. I wonder what the smoke was like in the elevator shaft and the elevator itself upon her descent down to the first floor. I wonder what she was thinking/feeling/saying the whole time. I wonder what her reaction was when the elevator door opened up on the first floor, where the smoke was the worst. I wonder if the smoke burned her eyes. I wonder if the smoke burned her throat. The third victim was found in the lobby also. She was actually from the unit where the fire had started. I wonder if Mom came across her. Three FD trucks responded. The first two went to the front, but all manpower were tasked to rescue about 6 people off their balconies and rig hoses. Some people apparently jumped. The FD didnít go in through the front until a little later. Thatís when they discovered Mom. I think she passed before the FD even got there. Iíll never know for sure, but I have to think that. If only sheíd gone out on her balcony. But from the time we are kids, we are taught to get out. I suppose this is the best thing to teach, particularly if you donít know where the fire is. And this is what she tried. This is the toughest thing Iíve ever had to go through in my life. May is usually my favorite month of the year. This year, not.
    Denial; Anger; Self-Doubt; Depression; Acceptance, (in no particular order).
    Guess I'm in the Self-Doubt/What-Ifs stage today.

    Thanks for reading.

  3. #193
    FORT Fogey ScoutMom's Avatar
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    Re: Losing a Mom

    Tribal Speak - I'm SO sorry to hear of your loss. I can imagine myself thinking the same things if this were to happen to someone I loved. But you can't drive yourself crazy. Try to focus on the good times and all the wonderful things about your mom. I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason. I don't know what the reason are, but I know there are reasons. God is in control, and He's WAY smarter than I am, so I trust Him to execute the plan for my life. I'll keep you and your family in my prayers.

  4. #194
    MRD
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    FORT Fogey MRD's Avatar
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    Re: Losing a Mom

    Tribal Speak, I am so sorry. What a horrible tragedy. YOu will be in my thoughts and prayers too.

    I agree with Scoutmom, all that wondering will drive you crazy.

    My parents were ill for a long time and were losing a lot of their independence when they passed. My mom was facing some very serious issues and she passed before we got to that stage, so I like to think that her going when she did, kept her from suffering anymore, kept her from the indignity she would have faced as she relied more and more on people to take her to the bathroom,to bathe her,to feed her, etc.
    I, like you used to wonder about a lot of things. But now I think I have at least accepted it to the point where I can live with it. I know both my parents would not have liked being incapacitated so it was a blessing for them to go when they did. Was it a blessing for me? No, I wanted them around, I still do.

    But I have to accept that they were ready, God was ready for them and while I wasn't ready, I've learned a lot since they have been gone and I like to think that what I've learned and how I've lived my life since them would make them proud.

    Again, I send you my heartfelt condolences on your tragic loss.
    Que me amat, amet et canem meum
    (Who loves me will love my dog also)

  5. #195
    Team DAN schmoo2's Avatar
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    Re: Losing a Mom

    I am so very sorry TS. That is a horrible way to lose a loved one - so suddenly and with so many questions.

    Try not to beat yourself up over it, as I am sure you and your brother are doing. I would actually suggest some counseling in this situation to help you and your family deal with it.

    your family is very much in my prayers.

  6. #196
    Over and Out! Bunny555's Avatar
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    Re: Losing a Mom

    Condolences to you TribalSpeak. I hope that somehow you are able to find the answers as this will help you to more fully accept your loss. So Sorry.

  7. #197
    On a cupcake mission! Lois Lane's Avatar
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    Re: Losing a Mom

    TribalSpeak, I am so sorry about your mother's passing. The questions going through your mind are completely normal and you will ask yoursef those same questions over and over and that's OK. My husband used to be a fire fighter and he agrees with what the fire department said--your mother most likely didn't suffer and feel pain, and for that I am grateful. Your mother sounded like a strong woman and a fighter--she didn't just give up. My father was the same age as your mother when he passed away last fall. We take solace in the fact that he lived a long, mostly happy and fulfilled life. He died a few hours after our last visit...and I was wracked with guilt--wondering if he was scared and lonely, and chastising myself for not have stayed longer or having known it would happen. We don't know what the future holds--as much as we'd like to anticipate things to spare our loved ones pain and grief. Like the PP said, try to remember some of the happy times you had with your sweet mother. It sounds like she left behind a wonderful legacy in you and your brother. Please accept my heartfelt condolences...I am truly sorry for what you are going through.

  8. #198
    Rock Stars! bbnbama's Avatar
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    Re: Losing a Mom

    TribalSpeak, it was heartbreaking reading your post..please know that you can vent at any time here...my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family during this time
    Reality is the beginning...not the end....Wallace Stevens

  9. #199
    Premium Member burntbrat's Avatar
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    Re: Losing a Mom

    Tribal Speak I am so, so sorry for your tragic and sudden loss. From your post I can tell how much you loved and cared for your mother. I'm sure she knew she was loved and I hope you find comfort soon.
    One of these days I'll stop being sensitive. Until then, I'll continue to be devastated on a daily basis. Life breaks my heart.

  10. #200
    Got wings 9/19/2012 buglover's Avatar
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    Re: Losing a Mom

    TriablSpeak, please know our hearts and thoughts are with you during this time. I'm a PM away if you need anything or just a shoulder to lean on.
    Yup, with donuts!!

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