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Thread: Losing a Mom

  1. #171
    FORT Fogey Margaritaville's Avatar
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    Re: Losing a Mom

    I didn't see a thread for losing one's dad, so I hope it's okay that I posted this here.

    I lost my dad on Thursday, and I'm struggling with the fact that I am not feeling sadness. We were never close, in fact, he was an alcoholic absent father. In the last year and a half, he must have sensed his time was about up, as he initiated contact. I was not overly comfortable with it, however, I continued "faking it" for his sake - perhaps I also knew the end was near. I know that he died content that he had "repaired" at least one relationship, and I am glad that he had that peace. However, I am battling with the fact that I am not feeling the sadness that comes with losing one's parent. Is that ever okay? Will I ever feel the sadness? And, if not, is that okay?

    Thoughts are welcomed - has anyone been in a similar situation?

  2. #172
    MRD
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    Re: Losing a Mom

    Quote Originally Posted by Margaritaville;3005401;
    I didn't see a thread for losing one's dad, so I hope it's okay that I posted this here.

    I lost my dad on Thursday, and I'm struggling with the fact that I am not feeling sadness. We were never close, in fact, he was an alcoholic absent father. In the last year and a half, he must have sensed his time was about up, as he initiated contact. I was not overly comfortable with it, however, I continued "faking it" for his sake - perhaps I also knew the end was near. I know that he died content that he had "repaired" at least one relationship, and I am glad that he had that peace. However, I am battling with the fact that I am not feeling the sadness that comes with losing one's parent. Is that ever okay? Will I ever feel the sadness? And, if not, is that okay?
    Thoughts are welcomed - has anyone been in a similar situation?
    Yes, it's ok. You just need to give yourself permission to think it's ok.

    From what you posted, you were never close, so don't try to force something that may never be there and don't feel guilty that it isn't.

    Focus instead that you did a good thing for someone. You allowed him back into your life and let him die content and in peace. That cannot have been easy for you and yet, you put aside some of your own feelings to let him "repair" the relationship. There are not a lot of people in your shoes that could have done that (and I know a few with the same types of father's and relationships you described).

    Despite him being an alcoholic and absent father and the hurt that has to have caused you your whole life, you put aside those feelings and gave him something special at the end of his life. Instead of feeling sad or guilty, feel proud that you could make someone's last moments happier. That is a big gift to give someone that probably has hurt you badly.

    I'm sorry you are struggling, but sometimes we feel we "should" feel a certain way about something when in reality, we don't and it's ok that we don't. Not everyone has to feel the exact same way all the time.

    Sending you hugs and prayers during this time.
    Que me amat, amet et canem meum
    (Who loves me will love my dog also)

  3. #173
    Got wings 9/19/2012 buglover's Avatar
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    Re: Losing a Mom

    I'm sorry for your loss. I think MRD is right, it's ok not to feel sad. My father left when I was 2 and never contacted me again. If he contacted me and was sick and ready to pass, I don't know that I could rise above as you did and be around him. You're a bigger person and I commend you on that.
    Yup, with donuts!!

  4. #174
    On a cupcake mission! Lois Lane's Avatar
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    Re: Losing a Mom

    Quote Originally Posted by Margaritaville;3005401;
    Thoughts are welcomed - has anyone been in a similar situation?
    I haven't been to this thread for a while but I wanted to let you know that what you are feeling is completely natural and that you shouldn't beat yourself up for not feeling any other way than you do. As already posted, you gave your dad--who really was never a part of your life--a great gift by letting him make his amends (in his own way) before he passed. That was wonderful of you. I don't have this experience, but a good friend and her sister lost their dad a few years ago. Their father had abandoned them when the kids were young. Had cheated on their mom, abused her physically, never paid child support etc. When he got sick and was dying, they went to visit with him and say goodbye. My friend to this day grieves for this "father" who was a father in name only. But her sister felt the way you did--she certainly wasn't happy he had died, but she had had no relationship with him whatsoever. Death hits people in different ways. I'm actually grateful that you are spared the grieving of losing a parent/loved one.

    Anyhow, I just wanted you to know that you are 100 percent completely OK.

  5. #175
    FORT Fogey Margaritaville's Avatar
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    Re: Losing a Mom

    Thanks so much for the kind words, guys! I needed them.

  6. #176
    Wonky snarkmistress Lucy's Avatar
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    Re: Losing a Mom

    Margaritaville, I agree with Rosie, and Lois -- don't feel guilty for not feeling what you THINK you should, when your relationship was not what it could have been. It's ok to feel, or not feel, anything you want, and at least you can tell yourself you did what you could at the end to give him the peace that you now deserve yourself. You have nothing to regret, nothing to second-guess. You did what YOU could do to have a relationship with him.
    It's such a fine line between stupid, and clever. -- David St. Hubbins

  7. #177
    Premium Member soccermama's Avatar
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    Re: Losing a Mom

    I just wanted to send {{hugs}} to everyone in this thread. I am so sorry for your terrible losses.

    Unfortunately, I know the awful feeling of losing a mother. I lost my own mother about 2 and half years ago. She unexpectedly passed away 2 days after the birth of my youngest child. He was born on a Friday and she passed away on Sunday night. I was in the hospital recovering from my c-section when my sister called me to tell me the horrible news. My mother never even got a chance to see my baby. The hospital where he was born was so far from their house, and I didn't want my parents to have to drive so far to see him. They were going to come out and see us when we had gotten home, but that didn't happen. My sister that called me to tell me the news was 5 months pregnant w/her first baby. My mom never got a chance to see her beautiful daughter either.

    My mom had been sick for the last 10 years of her life, but she had been experiencing a very healthy stretch. Her death truly came as a complete and utter shock. The first few weeks and months afterward were so horrible for all us. It was almost a blur for me. I had the joy of having my beautiful new baby boy, but the pain of losing my mother just overshadowed everything.

    I think the worst part was having to tell my own children that their Grandmother had died. When my youngest was born, my older 2 children were 8 and 11, and both were extremely close to my mom. My daughter was completely devastated and she literally screamed out the most horrible wail when my husband told her the news. I was so choked up and upset I couldn't even form the words to tell my children that their beloved Grandmother was gone. Thank goodness my husband was there for all of us. He was our rock.

    Time has definitely helped me heal, but there are moments where the pain of losing her is so raw still. At a moment's notice, something will happen and I will find myself in tears crying for her. It is such a profound loss and you can't even explain it unless you have experienced it yourself. I feel that the grief isn't nearly as raw as it was as when it happened, but I know I will be dealing the pain and grief of her loss for the rest of my life.

    Thanks so much, everyone, for sharing your stories. It truly helps me to know there are others out there that understand. I am so sorry that any of us have to go through this, but I am glad that we are able to help each other a little bit w/the pain.
    "Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body." ~ Elizabeth Stone

  8. #178
    On a cupcake mission! Lois Lane's Avatar
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    Re: Losing a Mom

    Quote Originally Posted by soccermama;3006154;
    Time has definitely helped me heal, but there are moments where the pain of losing her is so raw still. At a moment's notice, something will happen and I will find myself in tears crying for her. It is such a profound loss and you can't even explain it unless you have experienced it yourself.
    You are so right... I am sorry you are hurting... I have heard from real life friends (and my FoRT friends) that a parents' death is never something you really get over, no matter how much time has passed. You get used to it a little, but there are times when it will just hit you and it can take your breath away. I will be trying to get through my first father's day since my father passed away. We are going to try to celebrate his life that day...but I know it will also be a very sad one. The thing that is really difficult is watching my mother try to make her way alone. I mean, she has us kids and we live close enough that we see each other quite often...but we're not the same as my dad being there for her every day. I get so sad when I think about my dad. He knew he was sick and dying, but his concern wasn't himself but rather that we take good care of our mother and watch out for her. He knew he wouldn't be able to, so he wanted to make sure that we would. Boy...this is rough stuff, huh?

    Anyhow, a big to all of you... You've all been such an amazing source of comfort...

    MRD
    , I'm slowing reading the posts and I want to say that I am very sorry about the death of your friend. I know how special he was to so many people. I hope you take some comfort in knowing that you were a great friend to him and his family.
    Last edited by Lois Lane; 05-18-2008 at 11:23 PM.

  9. #179
    Premium Member dagwood's Avatar
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    Re: Losing a Mom

    Quote Originally Posted by soccermama;3006154;
    I think the worst part was having to tell my own children that their Grandmother had died. When my youngest was born, my older 2 children were 8 and 11, and both were extremely close to my mom. My daughter was completely devastated and she literally screamed out the most horrible wail when my husband told her the news. I was so choked up and upset I couldn't even form the words to tell my children that their beloved Grandmother was gone. Thank goodness my husband was there for all of us. He was our rock.
    I think it is hardest when the kids are in pain. My daughter still has her bad days missing grandpa. Today was one of them. It is so hard to see your kids hurting.


    Margaritaville, however you react to your father's passing is the right way to feel. Everyone is affected by death differently. Relationships come heavily into play as to how you feel.
    He who laughs last thinks slowest

    #oldmanbeatdown - Donny BB16

  10. #180
    FORT Fogey famita's Avatar
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    Re: Losing a Mom

    Margaritaville, I'm with everyone here so far. It is what it is. Either you had a good relationship or you had a bad one or you had an indifferent one. I think somethimes we wish for what can't be, and that is what ends up being the problem. If you are ok, then it's ok. I hope your sister can come to terms.
    Soccermom, I'm sorry for your loss. It seems the unexpected sometimes grabs us harder than the expected. I know when we were waiting for my dad to die so that he wouldn't suffer anymore, we were praying for God's will. Then when he died, I felt, wait, ...I'm not quite ready. I'm glad you were able to have time where your mom had a healthy stretch

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