Rant about your In-Laws

[MRD]

Thanks guys. And yes, we do obviously need to have a serious discussion about it, but we've had several and always at the end I feel like we've communicated only to be shocked next time it comes up with his mom and he doesn't tell her what he tells me. But really, do you think if she hears it from him she will stop pressuring me? It really freaks me out. And she won't "blame" me if she has to get all her grandchildren from her other son?

I guess my bigger concern with all of this is the "Momma's Boy" issues this brings up... and really, I've never even suspected that would have been an issue. He's pretty rebellious and free-spirited and has never been a conventional Momma's Boy as far as I could tell. This more than anything worries me.

It is amazing what happens to free spirits when they decide to settle down. But this is definetly something that needs to be worked out before any marriage. Perhaps a talk with boyfriend, then invite future MIL out to lunch and firm, but polite talk with her. You could also drop the hint that you are unable to have more kids. Whether you are or not, you are unwilling. Semantics, but like Gabriel said, you do not need a third person running your marriage. All the best on this.

[Lucy]

I definitely don't think you should lie about being "unable" to have more kids. But I do think you should talk to your boyfriend -- not just about the issue of future children, but about your impression of his mother's interference. And yes, you should talk to her about it as well. If she even knows how you feel about it -- and she may not -- she probably still hopes you'll change your mind. Which you may, but pressure from her isn't going to do it. At least talking to both of them will clear the air and make them know how you feel about it all.

[DesertRose]

I agree with Lucy. Never lie about your inability to have children. I also think that your MIL might be a nice lady and she just doesn't realize that she is putting pressure on you. There is nothing wrong with you and her having a nice lunch and you mentionning that you feel pressured. You can tell her some of what you wrote in your post.

[AJane]

I'm in agreement with Lucy and DR. Your MIL-to-be is so anxious to be a grandma, it may break her heart and cause a serious rift in the future if you mislead her. If you're very upfront (but gently ) with her, she will likely get over it quickly. If she loves children and wants grandkids in her family, she'll embrace your daughters as her "own" granddaughters, which would be the ideal situation for you and your kids.

[just1paul]

but really there is no one family wise in my daughter's life anymore

Well your daughter could always come here to the fort for wise answers...

[PWS]

mrd--and no signs of depression, etc.? Very weird such a huge and sudden personality change. I mean yes, often people become more conservative (or more liberal) as they age, but usually it's a process, not an about face.
remote_goddess--Here's my 2 cents, but could be way off....seems like there a couple of possibilities here...one is that he really is a momma's boy, and this is a harbinger of (bad) things to come if the relationship continues and you need to stomp on this right away or dump him (see above comments). The other option though is that he really has changed his mind re babies of his own DNA as he begins to think seriously about settling down (as opposed to having a girlfriend who happens to have kids); as myrosiedog said, it's amazing what happens to free spirits when they get to that place in life when they want to settle down. He may almost be hiding behind his mom's nudges because he feels he mislead you before and feels bad about going back on it.
So I guess I'd talk to him first. The thing is, you haven't decided you don't want to have more kids, you've just decided you haven't decided and don't want to yet. But one thing you and he really need to figure out is if this is becoming a deal breaker for him... something he may just be realizing for himself now. It doesn't mean he's a bad person if he's come to realize he really does want a baby, or that he sees you as a baby machine, but it could mean any marriage would be starting way behind the 8 ball if he's anxiously watching you to see if you'll say yes, or if you say no to more kids for sure. So you need to help him figure out what he feels, without pressuring him or getting mad. It's not an anger situation, just one of realizing that you may (or may not) want very different things---I'm assuming you wanted your first two children--would you have married your first husband if he'd said he never wanted kids, no matter how much you loved him?
Then, once the two of you have decided where things are, if there's still a relationship, sit your future MIL down and tell her it makes you really uncomfortable to talk about this, as if she won't like you if there are no grandchildren. Hopefully she'll back off.... Or you could throw in that after all, there's not even a ring on your finger yet, so if her son isn't "serious" why talk about grandkids! I must say it really seems like jumping the gun!

[remote_goddess]

I must say it really seems like jumping the gun!

No kidding... I just feel so weird about it even being an issue right now that I am stressing out over it and probably making it a much bigger deal than it ever would have been had it come up after a ring was on my finger.

And a big thanks to everyone who posted thoughts and advise - I appreciate you taking the time to post your opinions and point out a few steps I need to take in addressing this issue. We are going on a camping trip this weekend, so maybe an opportune moment will arise and we can have a heart to heart about this.

[Newfherder]

I'd have a long hard talk with boyfriend. Make sure you are on the same page. If so, then if you KNOW you don't want anymore children, go have your tubes tied. Then his mother can wish all she wants. It's not HER decision, it's yours and your bf.

That sounds good on paper (or computer monitor ) but I got burned on that deal. When I got married, we were both SURE that we didn't want kids, and she got her tubes tied. Fast forward ten years, and I am on the street (figuratively) because I still didn't want kids and my then-wife decided that she did. She remarried and had twins via in vitro. I guess what I am saying is that there are no final answers except on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire."

[DesertRose]

That sounds good on paper (or computer monitor ) but I got burned on that deal. When I got married, we were both SURE that we didn't want kids, and she got her tubes tied. Fast forward ten years, and I am on the street (figuratively) because I still didn't want kids and my then-wife decided that she did. She remarried and had twins via in vitro. I guess what I am saying is that there are no final answers except on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire."

That must have been rough Newf.

[Newfherder]

It totally killed my sense of humor for a couple of months, and since we were business parthers (still are) it made for some decidedly uncomfortable days at work. I can still remember the moment when I had my epiphany, and realized what a sour old bastard I was becoming (instead of a socially acceptable sour old curmudgeon that I was ) and decided then and there that I wasn't going to be that way. It all worked out in the end--we decided that we could either be barbarians or civilized, and elected to take the high road. I adore her kids (they call me Uncle Newf ) and I'm still convinced that I should not be a father

To keep this on the topic of in-laws:
My ex's parents' reaction to the initial separation was kind of funny. My ex-MIL said "that's ok, he never liked me anyway" (not exactly true, and since when was it about HER?) and my ex-FIL called up my soon-to-be-ex and said, "I hear you've lost your mind"