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Thread: Rant about your In-Laws

  1. #341
    FORT Fogey famita's Avatar
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    Re: Rant about your In-Laws

    Sometimes you just have to say "amen" and turn the page to start a new chapter. I know for me it was my mother. I took (and gave) a lot of stuff over the years. I finally had it out with her several years ago, cited chapter and verse, and cleared my conscience. I then turned the page. I waited for her to make the first contact. She did, and we are the closest we have ever been in any stage of life. She and I agreed to disagree and we both are verbal about what we allow ourselves to talk about. We still argue at certain times, but it's now done in a "fair" manner.

  2. #342
    MRD
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    Re: Rant about your In-Laws

    I have had to deal with a few people that thought they could walk all over me (and I allowed it for years), but one day I had had enough (this wasn't the inlaws, this was someone I worked with) and when I finally stood up and quit allowing them to do that to me, they backed off and treated me a LOT better. There wasn't really an argument, I just looked at the person and told them they were rude, insensitive and were NOT my boss and I wasn't taking their crap anymore and there was absolutely NOTHING she could do about it.
    Since then, I gave it back to another co-worker who was attempting the same thing and he backed off too.

    So I think there are people out there (and inlaws count) that will behave a certain way because NO ONE ever calls them on it. When they do get called on it and see you won't take it, they either do one of two things: a) back down or b) blow up and then ignore you. Either way, I see it as a win for me!
    Que me amat, amet et canem meum
    (Who loves me will love my dog also)

  3. #343
    FORT Fanatic onei0091's Avatar
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    Re: Rant about your In-Laws

    Makes sense, Famita and MRD. Some people know no bounds and will push and push until you say 'enough'. We never blasted MIL with a laundry list of her wrongs but my husband, when she'd attempt to call to complain about me, would just say, 'come on, I'm not going to listen to this. If there is something you want to resolve, let's resolve it.' and that happening a few times was enough to get her to stop calling altogether.

    MRD, that is interesting that people either back down or blow up when confronted. My MIL is definitely the 'blow up' kind, I guess, because that's exactly what happened. What's weird is that she wasn't even really 'confronted' - she was just not allowed to rant and rave and get her way.

  4. #344
    FORT Fogey Lil Bit's Avatar
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    Re: Rant about your In-Laws

    Well, my mother in law wants back in our lives. It's been nothing but a battle for the last year with her. She has fixated on me and blames me for every problem that family has ever had. She's called me an effing b**** to my face, told me she hates me and has always hated me, and forced my husband and kids into the position of choosing between me and her. My FIL called last week saying that she wants to make up and put all the bad behind us. I didn't know what to do. I don't want to be the person who prevents a possible relationship between my husband and his mother and I also know that all the stress is not good for my FIL. He has to live with her after all. I told him that she could come over for a short visit, but that if she starts any crap or becomes aggressive in any way, she will be removed from the property. They came over last Saturday and she acted like NOTHING had happened. She was so sweet she could have put a diabetic in a coma. I don't think my husband said 2 words to her and my sons hovered over me like the secret service but she acted like we were just one big happy family. I was polite. I had a civil conversation with her. I even served her a cup of coffee. (with no poison in it either) Now she wants us to come over for Easter and I told my husband no. Make whatever excuse you have to but I just can't. I thought I could do this, if only for my hubbys sake but I don't know if I can. It's taken me this long to even come on here and try to get it off my chest when the FORT is usually the first place I run to when I have a problem. Even thinking about being drawn back into the hell that we lived with last year is enough to tie my stomach into knots. If she truly wants a decent relationship with her son I don't want to be the one to stand between them but I just can't forget all the hurtful things that she said and did. I don't know what to do. I have enough stress in my life with being unemployed and trying to go back to school and my sons ongoing custody battle, I just don't need this. If I refuse to have any sort of relationship with her then I'm afraid the full fledged fight will start up again and I sure as hell don't want to deal with that. Aarrghh!!! Why couldn't she just stay in Arizona for the summer too??
    When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down "Happy." They told me I didn't understand the assignment. I told them they didn't understand life. - John Lennon

  5. #345
    Go Teams! inthegarden's Avatar
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    Re: Rant about your In-Laws

    When I was a kid, I watched my Dads mother treat my mom, the way your mil treats you. We asked my mom why she put up with it and she would say, For your Dad. When my sister and I got older we became my Mom's protectors, like your sons. It was so stressful for all of us, we went to my Dad and told him, that we would be respectful of our GM, but we weren't going to visit her. My mom finally told my Dad that he was more than welcome to go visit his mother but she wasn't. And she didn't and we didn't.
    Until I had my son and my Dad guilted me in to going to show her her greatgrandson. She was still the same bitter, hateful woman she always was.
    So Lil Bit you are damned if you do and damned if you don't.
    But having lived it... I would not subject myself to that abuse, ever.
    If you want her to come to your house (with your rules) fine, but why go in a vipers pit if you don't have too.

  6. #346
    Pineapple! ClosetRTWatcher's Avatar
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    Re: Rant about your In-Laws

    Lil Bit - What a terrible situation to be in!! I agree that I would be completely annoyed that she did not even acknowledge that there is a history of problems - I personally would have expected a "I'm sorry for our past, but I appreciate the chance to mend our relationship"!!

    I want to stress that the following is just my opinon, because I do not know everything that you have been through with this woman!! My initial reaction is that it would be a shame to completely oppose any chance of reconciliation without giving it a try first. But the key question I have that I did not get from your post is: How does your husband feel about the situation?? You seem to want to give your MIL a chance for a relationship with him, however you also said that he barely talked to her while she was over. If you do want to try to continue down the path of giving her a chance, is there a possibility you could have a conversation with her without your kids around? It seems like if you want to get beyond the problems of the past then you need to be able to be open about it. If you can have an honest conversation that goes something like "You know, I'm still really hurt by our past conflicts. I would like to give this a chance, but it may take me a while before I can really move beyond it...etc, etc" IF you could have an honest conversation without a blowup from her, then it might give you a chance to set some "ground rules". If an honest conversation is beyond her capability, then maybe you are better off avoiding contact with her.

  7. #347
    Got wings 9/19/2012 buglover's Avatar
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    Re: Rant about your In-Laws

    Lil Bit, maybe your MIL is sick and wants to mend fences before she passes? People do strange things when faced with serious illness.
    Yup, with donuts!!

  8. #348
    MRD
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    Re: Rant about your In-Laws

    Lil Bit I remember some of your past posts about her and I can see why you feel the way you. Why subject yourself to that kind of treatment? Talk to your husband first. If he wants to continue a relationship with her, then try what closettvwatcher said. If he doesn't, then he needs to tell her no, not you.

    If he wants a relationship with her and you don't, then do what Inthegarden said and he can visit, but you dont' have too.

    If she's really sick, then I would think she'd have made some sort of apology to try to mend fences. It really sounds like if she was sick, she'd use that as the guilt trip to get the family relationship going again.
    Still, I think even sick, she'd need to offer up an apology.

    Don't let yourself be mistreated and dont' feel guilt. It's her problem.
    Que me amat, amet et canem meum
    (Who loves me will love my dog also)

  9. #349
    Wild thang Rattus's Avatar
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    Re: Rant about your In-Laws

    Lil Bit, I don't know the details any more than anyone else does, but what I would do in this situation is calmly let MIL know that her son and the kids were more than welcome to maintain a relationship with her, but that you have had enough. And don't cave in. In actual fact, I have a lot of experience in ridding myself of toxic family relationships, including my own immediate family (26 happy years and counting ), and I divested myself of my own MIL after hearing for the first time that she hated me. It really is not worth the state of your own health to maintain a relationship with someone who obviously has no respect or affection, and likely never will. If your husband and kids are happy to keep in touch with her, well, good for them. If they would just as soon not, your family will be a lot happier and healthier in the long run, as long as you don't let guilt get you down. It's a shame about your FIL, but unfortunately there are few situations were everyone comes out on top.
    All I wanted was a 45, a stinking 45 - the record or the gun. I'd even settle for the damn malt liquor. - Al Bundy.

  10. #350
    FORT Fogey Lil Bit's Avatar
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    Re: Rant about your In-Laws

    The problem is none of us want to have a relationship with her. We just don't want the constant hassle that is involved with trying to keep her out of our lives. My kids literally do not want anything to do with her and haven't for years. I believe the woman has mental issues. I'm not a psychologist but if I had to guess on a diagnosis, I'd say she's bi-polar. She was on an anti-depressant for awhile and she was a completely different person but for some reason she went off it and nothing anyone could say would make her start taking it again. So while a normal person would suggest you sit down and calmly discuss the problem, with her, that just isn't an option. She never thinks that she's done anything wrong and NEVER says she's sorry. I've known her for over 30 years and I can't think of one time where she's apologized for anything.

    The problem is for the last year or so it's been a constant roller coaster of emotions with her. She'll get mad about some stupid thing and resort to screaming and name calling and the usual, "you are no longer my family.... blah, blah, blah" Then a couple of weeks later she'll show up and cry her crocodile tears whining about how no one understands her and she loves the whole world, but if you try to talk about the real issues, she goes over the edge and it's back to the screaming and name calling, etc. The last time she was at our house, before the "reconciliation", I was home alone and she ran around the house trying to get in, kicking the doors and screaming at the top of her lungs. She's actually lucky the doors were locked and she couldn't get in because my dog Trinity was pretty worked up over all the excitement and she, being a 70 pound Boxer/Pitbull mix, would have probably done some damage to her. I was just about to call the police when my son got there and made her leave. She had previously stopped where my husband was working and caused a big scene, starting a fight with him after he defended me when she attacked me, so then she came out to our house to "have it out" with me. I hid in the house and refused to open the door and my son is 6'4" so she couldn't get past him.

    So, no, I don't want to spend time with her and neither does the rest of my family, BUT I just can't deal with that kind of stress either. Although just being in her presence even when she's trying to be nice causes me so much stress that last Friday night I didn't sleep all night because I was worrying about the upcoming visit the next day. My ideal situation would be if she just goes away and leaves us alone but I don't see that happening.

    I don't expect anyone here to have a miracle answer for me, but I think it's helped me to talk about it, so to speak. I've only cried once while typing this post anyway. Thanks for listening.
    When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down "Happy." They told me I didn't understand the assignment. I told them they didn't understand life. - John Lennon

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