Rant about your In-Laws

[MRD]

That makes sense. I can imagine that would be a relief to realize that it doesn't mean much to your husband. I wish I could say the same - my husband won't even talk about his family with me, and when something big happens and we are forced to talk about it, he cries and cries over not having a relationship with his parents... I'm pretty sure he's crying over not having a relationship with the parents he *wished* he had and not the ones he actually has, but who knows. That doesn't really help the guilt problem, either, as I am the *reason* why the rift occured. Honestly, I could have been anyone, and this would have happened. I don't think mama bear wanted her golden boy married, period.

You know, I've seen that before. If it wasn't you he married, it would have been any other woman he could have married and she'd feel the same. So another reason to not take it personally. It's not you, it's just the title of "wife" she has a problem with.

[onei0091]

Your husband chose you to be his wife and it's up to his parents to accept you. My daughter was dating who I considered to be a real creep and I was so scared that she would marry him and we'd have this jerk in our family. She didn't marry him, but IF she had, I would NOT have turned my back on my daughter or tried to make her see things my way. She is an adult and she is free to make her own choices, whether I think they are right or not. I would have tried to welcome him into my family and definitely treated him with respect.
My MIL has never liked me. Not from the start. I don't really know why. I used to really obsess over it too. Most people like me and she just never did. But then, when I got to know their family dynamics better, I realized that my husband was always the black sheep. He spent his life bending over backwards trying to be what she wanted and never really succeeding. So maybe it didn't have that much to do with me. You can't change other people. I decided that I am not going to try to be someone that I'm not just to try to make her accept me. If she doesn't like me, that's fine. But I won't take responsibility for any rift between members of their family. She has the power to try to make amends and change her way of thinking too, and if she chooses not to do that, it's not my problem.

Yeah, I get what you are saying completely. I don't exactly know why my MIl doesn't like me either. I think the reason why it bothers me so much is because I tried so hard for so long and never succeeded. If I hadn't tried so hard, maybe it wouldn't be as big of a deal, and that is my fault for continuing to try. My last attempt was (I'm embarrassed to admit this) to research MIL and FIL's complete family history, since neither seemed to know much about it. I mean, it went all the way back to US immigration, which for FIL was only the mid 1800's but for MIL it went all the way back to 1500s. I made a booklet out of it, with pictures, and copies of immigration records, birth and death records, on and on. It took about 6 months of my free time to complete it. I made copies for each of my husband's siblings, and one for FIL and one for MIL. Never heard from any of them - not ONE peep.

And that was kind of the last straw for me. I really tried hard to get along, be accepted as one of the family and after that I quit. And I totally agree with you, even if you don't like the person your child chooses as a husband/wife, you deal with it, force a smile on your face and move forward. I mean, unless they are abusive or something really over the top, you deal.

[onei0091]

You know, I've seen that before. If it wasn't you he married, it would have been any other woman he could have married and she'd feel the same. So another reason to not take it personally. It's not you, it's just the title of "wife" she has a problem with.

Yeah, I think that's what it is, too. She wants to order him around and tell hm what to do, and now that he has a wife, it's 'us' making decisions, not just him anymore. And I haven't said 'how high?' when she says 'jump' and it angers her immensely. Every once in a while she would test the waters by complaining about me, and when he sides with me, she gets really angry again.

[Jamie5632]

The first time I met my MIL, she loved me. I was introduced as a friend because at the time I was. When we were first dating, loved me. Once we hit a year she started in with 'you two are too young, you should date around'. Which I almost get, we started dating at 18, but now we're 35 and married for 12 years, so we must have done something right, not to mention her and FIL who just had their 50th wedding anniversary started dating at 16. Once it became real and I was going to marry her son, that was the utter end. I wholeheartedly agree that it is because of my title of 'his wife' not me as a person. When it first started turning, I would get upset and ask hubby how it is that he, his brother and father can put up with her and her nonsense. Being the outsider, I had the front row seat of all her shenanigans with all of them. They all said 'it is just easier to ignore it and her'. I thought that was a cop-out and was determined to get her to like me.

After about 15 years of trying and failing, I am firmly entrenched with them in the 'just ignore it and her' camp. Completely not my style, but enough was enough. In the two years since then, it is amazing how much better my life in relation to her is. It helps that she lives 1806 miles away (but who's counting) but after finally realizing I did all I could and if that is not good enough, it is her loss, I cannot begin to explain how much better I feel. It has also helped my husband as he no longer has to see me in tears over something that he can't control but feels he should because its HIS mother.

My heart will break for him when she goes, but that's it. I know I will be the one stepping up and putting everything together, but it will be for him, his brother and father, not her. The only thing I feel I owe her is gratitude for somehow raising my husband like she did, even if it was by example of how not to be because he is one hell of a man.

[MRD]

Interestingly enough, because of this thread, I've had a phone call from my inlaws. Has to be my husband's brother's wife behind it. I honestly didn't think she was smart enough to put 2 and 2 together and get 4. Just utterly amazing when I think about it.
Oh well, I haven't written anything here, I wouldn't say to their faces. In fact, I think I have a lot more I'd say to their faces than what I'd be allowed to post here.

Maybe they'll call back so I can.

[ArchieComic Fan]

Interestingly enough, because of this thread, I've had a phone call from my inlaws. Has to be my husband's brother's wife behind it. I honestly didn't think she was smart enough to put 2 and 2 together and get 4. Just utterly amazing when I think about it.
Oh well, I haven't written anything here, I wouldn't say to their faces. In fact, I think I have a lot more I'd say to their faces than what I'd be allowed to post here.

Maybe they'll call back so I can.

Oooh, you must tell us what the message was!

[ArchieComic Fan]

Nevermind Myrosie. I'd rather them read about how we all adore you and hope that one day they will see what we see and realize the great friendship they are missing .

[MRD]

Nevermind Myrosie. I'd rather them read about how we all adore you and hope that one day they will see what we see and realize the great friendship they are missing .

THank you.

They really are missing out. Not just on me, but on my wonderful husband and terrific daughter. It's their loss too as we really don't care. Hubby said tonight he's been perfectly fine not hearing from them and if he never ever hears from them again it will be too soon.

I did ask him how he feels about that and he said: "honestly, I never even think about them." He said an occasional childhood memory will surface due to some other influence (music, food, etc.) and that's it. He says he has no regrets as he's never much liked any of them. So that reinforces my coming to terms with them not liking me either. And he's still mad at how they've always treated me especially 2 years ago when his brother cussed me out. It's a good thing we are 2 states away as I really think he would have done physical harm to his brother that day. So interestingly enough, this has just reinforced a lot for both of us and it's made me feel even better to know that he has my back.

[veejer]

One thing that I have learned, especially when dealing with my in-laws, is that I am the only one responsible for my feelings, actions and reactions, and that nothing I do can force someone else to change. Likewise, they are the only ones responsible for their feelings, actions and reactions. Unfortunately, I frequently need refresher courses!!!!

Yeah, I get what you are saying completely. I don't exactly know why my MIl doesn't like me either. I think the reason why it bothers me so much is because I tried so hard for so long and never succeeded. If I hadn't tried so hard, maybe it wouldn't be as big of a deal, and that is my fault for continuing to try. My last attempt was (I'm embarrassed to admit this) to research MIL and FIL's complete family history, since neither seemed to know much about it. I mean, it went all the way back to US immigration, which for FIL was only the mid 1800's but for MIL it went all the way back to 1500s. I made a booklet out of it, with pictures, and copies of immigration records, birth and death records, on and on. It took about 6 months of my free time to complete it. I made copies for each of my husband's siblings, and one for FIL and one for MIL. Never heard from any of them - not ONE peep.

And that was kind of the last straw for me. I really tried hard to get along, be accepted as one of the family and after that I quit. And I totally agree with you, even if you don't like the person your child chooses as a husband/wife, you deal with it, force a smile on your face and move forward. I mean, unless they are abusive or something really over the top, you deal.

Wow, no one can say that you haven't tried, onei!!!! That is really an impressive undertaking. You must have been a busy bee to get all of that done in 6 months. Going back to pre-Jamestown must have been fascinating, even if it was for your MIL.

If you are still interested in genealogical research, there is a thread devoted to it.
Just click here: Genealogical Research

[onei0091]

Jamie - Wow, I could have written your post myself. That is exactly what happened to me, too! (except I've only been married 4 years). She was very welcoming in the beginning, and it wasn't until our engagement that things turned weird. I can understand how ignoring works too. At first I thought the in laws were really 'enabling' her by not calling her out on her antics but I get that it just fuels the fire, and draws things out indefinitely. I mean, this is going on 4+ years of silent treatment. She can really hold out and hang on to being angry. What I still don't understand is why FIL would want to be with this woman. She's really mean to him, too. But I guess that's his issue...

MRD - Wow, they found this thread and contacted you as a result? Did this just happen? How did you figure out the thread was the reason behind it? I agree, they are missing out on a wonderful person and it is their loss. I have a daughter, too, and my in laws have only met her once - at our wedding! She is a really great kid (now teen!) and I think it's pretty rediculous that they have made zero attempt to get to know her. At the same time, I wouldn't really want their influence around her anyway. She had enough at the wedding to last her a lifetime - did I mention that one of my husband's ADULT cousins was hitting on my then 12 year old daughter at the wedding? I gave him a piece of my mind and had to keep her tightly under my wing all night. GRRR.

Veejer - Thanks for the link! Yeah, I hate to admit it, but I was up late some evenings working on it. I do like to do geneology stuff. My family takes a big interest in it and talking about our ancestors/family history, and I felt sad for my husband that he had never even met some of his own grandparents (because MIL 'cut them off'). His grandfather died last year and he had to hear it from me - I found the obit online while updating the book. He'd never even met the guy. And he just met his father's mother a few years ago for the first time.
Anyway, I was helped by some county historical societies on the east coast. They had lots of info on the very early settlers in my MIL's family and were very helpful. My MIL is very distantly related to the presidents Harrison. LOL. So, yeah, it was a fun project. I still can't believe that no one called, emailed, wrote, nothing, to say, wow, thanks for doing all of this work. A month after I sent those books out to the in laws we got a ranting and raving phone call from MIL - all about ME of course. How I'm tearing the family apart. Hello? Did I not just spend several months researching your family? How is that tearing it apart? So that was it for me. Done!