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Thread: Rant about your In-Laws

  1. #321
    FORT Fanatic onei0091's Avatar
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    Re: Rant about your In-Laws

    Quote Originally Posted by Lil Bit;3198675;
    Truer words were never spoken (written). Apparently my SIL is still stewing over a petty little argument she and I had 2 1/2 years ago! I'm like.... Wow! She must not have much else in her life to occupy her thoughts if that is still bothering her. I think she's just upset because I have never tried to mend the problem between us, but hey, I don't like her, she doesn't like me. What's the point? I wouldn't have her for a friend if she wasn't my husbands sister and life is way too short to have those kind of people in your life anyway.

    onei Eventually you will get to the point where you don't hate them any more and just feel indifference. I've finally reached that point, with a little helpful advice from my friends here on FORT, and I have felt such serenity since I reached that point. I don't even wish any harm to my MIL. I just don't care.

    Oh.... Happy Birthday canuckinchile!!
    Oooh, I would love to feel indifferent, and I would especially love to feel the serenity that goes along with that. Was there any realizations or events that caused this to happen for you?

  2. #322
    MRD
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    Re: Rant about your In-Laws

    I think for me, the indifference and serenity just kind of happened. I did work on things, but one day I just realized that it doesn't bother me anymore. I don't know exactly when that happened. I think it was a gradual process. I did spend several years with a great therapist as I had several issues (inlaws were WAY on the bottom of the list) and I know that just the general therapy (I am a therapy talker and with guidence, my therapist was able to help me talk my through my problems and in talking, I would realize in the midst of talking it out I would have a breakthrough).
    But the other breakthroughs and just generally learning to be more happy and content helped me in all other aspects of my life and in dealing not only with my toxic inlaws, but my toxic sister as well and some toxic friends.

    And I'm married to a wonderful man who has NEVER let anyone get to him and I think he's really rubbed off on me. He has NEVER cared what others think of him including family. So now I don't really care what everyone thinks. Some people like me, some people love me, some people hate me. Oh well. The ones that don't like me or hate me are well within their own power to feel that way, but it's in my power to not let it bother me.
    I've finally gotten to the point where I think I'm a pretty terrific person with a lot going for me and if others don't like me, then I think they are losing out on knowing a fairly great person.

    I think my biggest breakthrough that helped me deal with the toxic people in my life was finally believing in myself, belieing that I could do anything I set my mind too and then doing it. And once I saw I could do whatever, that also helped boost my self confidence. After a lifetime of second guessing everything and being very insecure, it was so freeing to finally let go and just worry about ME and making me happy. When I got happy, it was amazing how happy my husband and daughter got as well. And really, they are the ONLY ones that are important to me. (my friends too, but my immediate family is the most important thing).

    I do honestly think that finally believing in myself was the key. Getting my own self confidence made me realize that I dont' have to let anyone tear me down.

    And you are so right, your MIL is not a h appy person. Mine wasn't either. And people like that operate on misery loves company. I happen to operate on misery needs to be by itself and happiness gets company.
    Que me amat, amet et canem meum
    (Who loves me will love my dog also)

  3. #323
    FORT Fanatic onei0091's Avatar
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    Re: Rant about your In-Laws

    Thanks, MRD. I'm very happy to hear that you have gotten past all of the insecurity issues and are happy with who you are. I am working on it. I tend to be very perfectionistic and hard on myself to the extreme. Perhaps that's where some of the guilt and responsibility comes from for this bad relationship I have with my in laws. I tend to place blame on myself for other people's bad behavior. As odd as it sounds, I think it's a control thing. If I can take fault, then I can change it and control it.

    I'm in the process of learning to 'let go' in order to bypass some of the anxiety I experience. It will be good for me. And this situation with my in laws is definitely one of those things I need to say, 'whatever' to and not care. Right now I say 'whatever' but I don't *feel* whatever. I still get bothered by all of the crap MIL tries to stir up on occasion.

    Funny, my husband is the same way as yours - he couldn't care less as to what others think of him or whether or not people like him. I wonder if it's a byproduct of growing up in a that kind of a family. You have to develop a thick skin if you want to survive in a family like that.

    I appreciate what you've told me. I'm really going to try and improve myself, and maybe this resentment I'm holding onto regarding my in-laws will fall away in the process.

  4. #324
    Best Buddies Gutmutter's Avatar
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    Re: Rant about your In-Laws

    onei - I learned a lot from the humor doctor Loretta (?) - all of a sudden can't think of her name. I have several of her videos and she's on public tv a lot. She does a bit where she talks about doing things in front of the neighbors and not caring because "they're not on my committee". I love that phrase. If I'm afraid someone's judging me, I just remind myself - "They're not on my committee".
    Count your blessings!

  5. #325
    Wait, what? ArchieComic Fan's Avatar
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    Re: Rant about your In-Laws

    My in-laws have been living abroad for several years so no complaints here . However, their sons (my husband's brothers) are all here and believe me, a few of them really try my patience now and then. I guess overall though I don't have it near as bad as some of you so I'm thankful for that. And sadly in my case, my husband's family is more well adjusted than my own family.

    I think learning to stand up for ourselves with family (whether it's in-laws or our own) comes with time and maturity. We learn what we will and won't accept and the day does arrive when we start speaking our mind when it's important. I let a lot of little things roll off my back but the big stuff - you can bet I put my two cents in, and then some!
    Have you done your Green deed for the day?

  6. #326
    FORT Fogey Lil Bit's Avatar
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    Re: Rant about your In-Laws

    What really helped me was something that myrosiedog said in one of her posts. To take my husband at his word and believe that he wasn't as upset about his relationship with his mom as I thought he was. Once I realized that he had already gotten to the point of indifference, it was easy for me to get there. I just didn't understand it because I was so close to my own mother and she was such an important person in my life. But, she was always there for me, always loved me unconditionally, and always tried to be the best mom that she could be. My husband never had that. Even as a child, so for him to turn his back on that really wasn't that big of a stretch. I think I reached the indifference point about her feelings for me years ago.

  7. #327
    FORT Fanatic onei0091's Avatar
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    Re: Rant about your In-Laws

    Quote Originally Posted by Gutmutter;3198738;
    onei - I learned a lot from the humor doctor Loretta (?) - all of a sudden can't think of her name. I have several of her videos and she's on public tv a lot. She does a bit where she talks about doing things in front of the neighbors and not caring because "they're not on my committee". I love that phrase. If I'm afraid someone's judging me, I just remind myself - "They're not on my committee".
    Thanks, Gutmutter. I like that phrase, too. I will need it, as I moved back to my hometown, and WOW are neighbors around here nosey. We got a 3 page letter from one of our neighbors about the pond we share. It was full of nonsense about how the pond has always been clean, and now there's sludge in it, and it must be our fault since we just moved here. The 'sludge' is duckweed, brought in by ducks. It was here last summer when we moved in, too. I can't imagine how we could have caused a duckweed problem, but that's what they think. Anyway, normally I'd be really concerned about it but it was so over the top rediculous that I can honestly say I didn't care at all what they thought, and I still don't. It feels good! I sit out in the backyard and have fires in the fire pit, and they stare out their window at me. ??

    But that is a phrase I'll tell myself - they aren't on my committee so who cares?

  8. #328
    FORT Fanatic onei0091's Avatar
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    Re: Rant about your In-Laws

    Quote Originally Posted by ArchieComic Fan;3198785;
    My in-laws have been living abroad for several years so no complaints here . However, their sons (my husband's brothers) are all here and believe me, a few of them really try my patience now and then. I guess overall though I don't have it near as bad as some of you so I'm thankful for that. And sadly in my case, my husband's family is more well adjusted than my own family.

    I think learning to stand up for ourselves with family (whether it's in-laws or our own) comes with time and maturity. We learn what we will and won't accept and the day does arrive when we start speaking our mind when it's important. I let a lot of little things roll off my back but the big stuff - you can bet I put my two cents in, and then some!
    Yeah, that makes sense. I was raised to 'respect elders' and, in my family, you don't ever talk back to parents, or grandparents. That is a major no-no. But at the same time, people in my family don't boss you around and abuse their power as your elder, so it worked out okay. I think, for me, I felt like I was the daughter in law and it wasn't my place to say anything to my parents' in law that might be assertive or whatever. But that's really dumb now that I think about it, because this isn't a parent/child relationship, we are all adults, and if they are going to be rude to me (they barely even know me) then I have every right to stand up for myself.

  9. #329
    FORT Fanatic onei0091's Avatar
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    Re: Rant about your In-Laws

    Quote Originally Posted by Lil Bit;3199037;
    What really helped me was something that myrosiedog said in one of her posts. To take my husband at his word and believe that he wasn't as upset about his relationship with his mom as I thought he was. Once I realized that he had already gotten to the point of indifference, it was easy for me to get there. I just didn't understand it because I was so close to my own mother and she was such an important person in my life. But, she was always there for me, always loved me unconditionally, and always tried to be the best mom that she could be. My husband never had that. Even as a child, so for him to turn his back on that really wasn't that big of a stretch. I think I reached the indifference point about her feelings for me years ago.

    That makes sense. I can imagine that would be a relief to realize that it doesn't mean much to your husband. I wish I could say the same - my husband won't even talk about his family with me, and when something big happens and we are forced to talk about it, he cries and cries over not having a relationship with his parents... I'm pretty sure he's crying over not having a relationship with the parents he *wished* he had and not the ones he actually has, but who knows. That doesn't really help the guilt problem, either, as I am the *reason* why the rift occured. Honestly, I could have been anyone, and this would have happened. I don't think mama bear wanted her golden boy married, period.

  10. #330
    FORT Fogey Lil Bit's Avatar
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    Re: Rant about your In-Laws

    Quote Originally Posted by onei0091;3199044;
    That doesn't really help the guilt problem, either, as I am the *reason* why the rift occured. Honestly, I could have been anyone, and this would have happened. I don't think mama bear wanted her golden boy married, period.
    Your husband chose you to be his wife and it's up to his parents to accept you. My daughter was dating who I considered to be a real creep and I was so scared that she would marry him and we'd have this jerk in our family. She didn't marry him, but IF she had, I would NOT have turned my back on my daughter or tried to make her see things my way. She is an adult and she is free to make her own choices, whether I think they are right or not. I would have tried to welcome him into my family and definitely treated him with respect.
    My MIL has never liked me. Not from the start. I don't really know why. I used to really obsess over it too. Most people like me and she just never did. But then, when I got to know their family dynamics better, I realized that my husband was always the black sheep. He spent his life bending over backwards trying to be what she wanted and never really succeeding. So maybe it didn't have that much to do with me. You can't change other people. I decided that I am not going to try to be someone that I'm not just to try to make her accept me. If she doesn't like me, that's fine. But I won't take responsibility for any rift between members of their family. She has the power to try to make amends and change her way of thinking too, and if she chooses not to do that, it's not my problem.

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