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Thread: Rant about your In-Laws

  1. #281
    MRD
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    Re: Rant about your In-Laws

    Quote Originally Posted by onei0091;3190040;
    Holy crap! That's great that you said something, I bet that felt really good. I *think* about things that I would like to say but when it comes down to it I always wussed out. Part of me is scared to say anything and then have that over my head - you know, she would be able to say that I said, 'shutup, you fat old cow' to everyone and demonize me further. Plus I'm extremely non-confrontational.

    The situation with my in laws is that no one confronts MIL. They all let her do whatever she wants, and take all of her insults, and she never has to say 'sorry' or anything. She'll be mad for awhile and then act like nothing happened and everyone else acts right along with her like nothing happened. After the wedding fiasco, I was upset and didn't act like nothing happened. So I think that's why she hates me so much. I wasn't forgetting and forgetting and she didn't like that at all. Funny, because I didn't let loose and call her every name in the book. My husband confronted her about her actions and that was enough to send her into a rage, I guess.

    I suppose you are right, with what I know about them I should be glad they are choosing to give us the silent treatment. I guess there is a part of me that feels like, 'wth did I do to deserve this?' but then at the same time do I really want these people in my life? I think I'm sad that I don't have a relationship with in laws generally, but should probably be grateful that I don't have a relationship with *my* in laws...
    WEll it took me 17 YEARS to finally speak up. I had put up with so much crap and was still going out of my way to be nice to her with her not being so nice in return.
    I am a fairly easy person to get along with, but when I'm done, I'm DONE and look out to the one that has finally been the straw that broke the camel's back.
    Still when I said that, I wasn't rude or nasty. I just stated what I considered to be a fact. Anyone else, I might have unleashed my inner *itch on.

    Still it FELT GREAT to say it and it was even better when she moved away.


    I knew my husbands sister before I knew him. Then when he and I were going to get married I met the rest of the family (hubby has 4 siblings) and my first thought was how are he and his sister so normal when the rest are so far out there? I've since found out his sister isn't normal either. But he's definetly nothing like the rest of them. His sister is adopted and I used to think he HAD to have been adopted too because he is so unlike the rest of the family. Since his mom died, we've had no contact in 2 years with any of them. They are mad at us for some perceived wrong having to do with putting his mom into a nursing home. (She and his brother were in TN., we were in Florida getting ready to move to SC and I can't figure out exactly what we were supposed to do that they are all mad at us now. But my husband is actually fine with it. When we were told his mom had passed, his first words were: "now I dont' have to ever see the rest of them again."
    That has to tell you something.

    Quote Originally Posted by onei0091;3190247;

    When I first met his family I could not believe it! I was so surprised. I expected a much different family - like the Cleavers, or something. Part of what was so confusing to me is that my husband never told me about his mother having problems - or about anyone having problems. I had to figure that out for myself. When I asked him why he didn't give me the head's up on any of this he said that he never thought of it...? I still think that's weird but our therapist said that can happen when you grow up in a dysfunctional family. It's not weird to you because you grew up in it.
    I could have SO written this post. I was so surprised when I met my husbands family too. He was the first one in his family to go let alone graduate from college and his mom said: "he's getting above his raising"
    What mom says that about her son going to college??? They should have been proud, not drag him down because of it.
    But my husband never gave me the heads up either. Later he did say that he didn't have that great a relationship with them and avoided them as much as possible and didn't think about alerting me. We got over it. He didn't like being around them anymore than I did. But he did feel a sense of duty and responsibility or we would have cut off contact a long time ago. I am proud of him that he did feel that responsibility and we did help them when his dad got sick and died and we tried to help his mother later too, but she made it so difficult and he limited his own contact with them as he knew they were toxic.

    He had a GREAT relationship with my parents and my parents loved him. But my parents treated him better than his parents had EVER treated him. He didn't have a horrible childhood, but he missed out on a lot. His mother was not loving and so he ended up being a loner because they were never interested in anything he did.So he just did what he wanted to by himself. Which is probably why he's so different than them. But he never had a birthday party, got taken to the circus. Only received ONE gift on Christmas and no stocking ever. He's still kind of a loner, but he has come so far from his upbrining and that's a good thing. He would be the kind of son anyone would be proud to have. I never could figure out why they weren't proud of him, but thought the sun shone out of the butts of the loser brothers.
    Last edited by MRD; 09-06-2008 at 10:57 AM.
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  2. #282
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    Re: Rant about your In-Laws

    Well I know my life has been much more stress free since my MIL did me the ultimate favor of "never speaking to me again". I have been a bit worried about my husbands feelings, but I'm going to take Myrosiedogs advice and take my husband at his word. He tells me over and over again that it doesn't bother him and I have to believe that it doesn't. I think that I was just projecting my feelings onto him. As close as I was to my parents, I know how devastating it would be for me to have lost them because of something so petty. I realize now that he lived with her behavior for his whole life and may just be relieved to not have to deal with it anymore. God knows I am!!

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    Re: Rant about your In-Laws

    You know, I did that whole projecting my feelings onto my husband about his parents and he honestly really didn't like being around them either and finally he convinced me of it and it really didn't bother him. I think relief was a lot of it because MIL was not a very loving person to him at all. So he dealt with it and when he turned 18, he joined the army and didn't come home for 4 years!!!!
    And lil bit, I was like you, so close to my own parents. But my husband was close to them too and he liked being around my parents and they liked him. He preferred my family to his. And he's been a GREAT husband and dad, but he made a concious decision that he didn't want a marriage or to be a parent like they had been.

    As for that apple thing. I think a large bird picked up my husband's apple and carried it MILES from the tree before dropping it.
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    Re: Rant about your In-Laws

    When I had gotten fed up with the inlaws, I remember my EX once telling me that he was trying to protect me from his family. I got very quiet, turned around and told him, in a low tone, with one finger held in the air...."You'd better protect them from me." He just looked at me very strangely....and I had no more trouble from them. I must have had that crazy "queen from hell" look on my face. Sometimes, I am surprised at how little some thing take. Maybe it was the finger (the index finger) in the air that got my point across?

    Sometimes, I'm not sure he quite knew what to think of me.
    "...each affects the other, and the other affects the next, and the world is full of stories, but the stories are all one." - Mitch Albom, one helluva writer

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    Re: Rant about your In-Laws

    Onei,

    I know how hard it is when you want to have a good relationship with your inlaws like other people you know. I used to wish I had a good relationship with mine as I had friends and family that got on so well with inlaws.

    I also used to wish I had a close relationship with my sister. I used to see sisters that were so close and I wished like crazy that we could be that way.

    Well when I finally accepted that those 2 relationships were not meant to be that way for me, I was much happier. Sometimes they are, sometimes they aren't and life is too short to worry about people that probably dont' worry about you nearly as much as you worry about them.

    I'm sorry you have to go through all that with them. But just dont' let it get to you or MIL wins. Act like you could care less and I bet they stop pulling some of that crap.
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    Re: Rant about your In-Laws

    Sometimes, you just have to move on. Such is life.
    "...each affects the other, and the other affects the next, and the world is full of stories, but the stories are all one." - Mitch Albom, one helluva writer

    When you throw a rock into a pack of dogs, you know which one you hit by the one that yelps!

  7. #287
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    Re: Rant about your In-Laws

    Quote Originally Posted by Jamie5632;3190451;
    My husband and I have sure have our share of inlaw issues on both sides. Our mantra is "1806" that is the number of miles away that we moved!

    I found this book EXTREMELY helpful. It basically like any self help book told you what you already know but does it objectively and in black and white. I was able to highlight the parts that I felt related to me and his mother and then had him read it, much more productive than my usual "AND ANOTHER THING!!!" rants. It is "Toxic In Laws, Loving Strategies for Protecting Your Marriage" by Susan Forward and it is just that.

    Actually, its been about eight years since I read it and she's 'acting up' again, so it may be time for a refresher course!
    Yes! I have this book, as well as 'Toxic Parents' by the same author. I have several others on the topic too that helped me understand his family situation better. They were actually very helpful.

    I think what was really difficult for us was that my husband really wasn't seeing things as they were for a long time as far as his family of origin was concerned. He made excuses for their behavior - chalking up most things to 'misunderstandings' or 'she didn't mean it like that, I"m sure' - and, unfortunately, I doubted myself long enough until so much had happened, and things got SO bad that there were really no excuses and I knew I wasn't 'imagining' things. Now I'm to the point of no return. I'm not sure that I could *ever* forgive my in laws or deal with them again.

    But yeah, MRD, it has been really tough to be in this situation. I find it a bit embarrassing that things are so crazy between me and my husband's family. You know, my friends will get together, have some small complaints about their in laws, and all I can contribute is, 'My in laws don't speak to me and haven't for years", and then the uncomfy silence follows. My friends don't get it, because I'm very easy to get along with and quite the people pleaser, so, although I'm sure there have been plenty of people who didn't like me, I've never had to deal with a group of people that were so blatent about it. Why? That's what I don't get. It's almost like it's fun for them...a sick game or something.

    Anyway, yeah. It certainly is a weird situation to be in. I'm only 4 years into my marriage. And my in laws are in their early 50s. Is it really possible to have nothing to do with eachother forever? I mean, I'm probably going to see them at some point? Or no? Can I get away with avoiding them altogehter? That would be great. LOL.

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    Re: Rant about your In-Laws

    Quote Originally Posted by myrosiedog;3191173;
    WEll it took me 17 YEARS to finally speak up. I had put up with so much crap and was still going out of my way to be nice to her with her not being so nice in return.
    I am a fairly easy person to get along with, but when I'm done, I'm DONE and look out to the one that has finally been the straw that broke the camel's back.
    Still when I said that, I wasn't rude or nasty. I just stated what I considered to be a fact. Anyone else, I might have unleashed my inner *itch on.

    Still it FELT GREAT to say it and it was even better when she moved away.


    I knew my husbands sister before I knew him. Then when he and I were going to get married I met the rest of the family (hubby has 4 siblings) and my first thought was how are he and his sister so normal when the rest are so far out there? I've since found out his sister isn't normal either. But he's definetly nothing like the rest of them. His sister is adopted and I used to think he HAD to have been adopted too because he is so unlike the rest of the family. Since his mom died, we've had no contact in 2 years with any of them. They are mad at us for some perceived wrong having to do with putting his mom into a nursing home. (She and his brother were in TN., we were in Florida getting ready to move to SC and I can't figure out exactly what we were supposed to do that they are all mad at us now. But my husband is actually fine with it. When we were told his mom had passed, his first words were: "now I dont' have to ever see the rest of them again."
    That has to tell you something.



    I could have SO written this post. I was so surprised when I met my husbands family too. He was the first one in his family to go let alone graduate from college and his mom said: "he's getting above his raising"
    What mom says that about her son going to college??? They should have been proud, not drag him down because of it.
    But my husband never gave me the heads up either. Later he did say that he didn't have that great a relationship with them and avoided them as much as possible and didn't think about alerting me. We got over it. He didn't like being around them anymore than I did. But he did feel a sense of duty and responsibility or we would have cut off contact a long time ago. I am proud of him that he did feel that responsibility and we did help them when his dad got sick and died and we tried to help his mother later too, but she made it so difficult and he limited his own contact with them as he knew they were toxic.

    He had a GREAT relationship with my parents and my parents loved him. But my parents treated him better than his parents had EVER treated him. He didn't have a horrible childhood, but he missed out on a lot. His mother was not loving and so he ended up being a loner because they were never interested in anything he did.So he just did what he wanted to by himself. Which is probably why he's so different than them. But he never had a birthday party, got taken to the circus. Only received ONE gift on Christmas and no stocking ever. He's still kind of a loner, but he has come so far from his upbrining and that's a good thing. He would be the kind of son anyone would be proud to have. I never could figure out why they weren't proud of him, but thought the sun shone out of the butts of the loser brothers.
    Yeah. I totally get what you're saying! I would think that my husband's parents would be over the moon with pride for their son. He is basically the model son. But they give him SUCH a hard time and instead of being happy for him make him feel guilty for everything he does! When he got accepted to grad school on the east coast they were hard on him for being 'too good' for the rest of the family. And they never call him, they never bother. MIL, when we were on speaking terms long ago, would do these weird things like say 'we can't make it to your graduation, we can't afford the plane fare' but then next time we'd see her she'd tell some story about how the same week of graduation she and FIL flew out to Las Vegas and went on extravagant shopping sprees. ??

    I know a lot of his motivation came from wanting to please his parents so desperately, but trying to please them is impossible, as I learned while planning my wedding. And they USE my husband. The only time FIL really gets a hold of him is for free legal advice. FIL would always pester my husband for legal advice, and sometimes my husband would say, 'oh, well, you know, that's more onei's area of expertise than mine' and FIL would just dart me a look like, 'Yeah, right' and ask my husband again for more info. Of course, according to sexist FIL, I'm not supposed to play golf, either, because golf stands for "Gentlemen Only Ladies Forbidden". When I first met my husband his parents had several credit cards in my husband's name, all maxxed out, of course. And the charges on there were totally unneccessary expenses. UGH! I could go on and on and on about my in laws. Sorry, I guess I kind of have. LOL.

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    Re: Rant about your In-Laws

    Well, my MIL showed up at our house this morning. So much for "never coming to see you again". Apparently she wanted to try to mend fences so I went into the other room to give her privacy with her son. (I could still hear though). She right away started in with the crocodile tears and launched into the same old, "I'm a wonderful person who is soooo misunderstood and why is everyone so mean to me," routine. My husband didn't say much, just listened. Then she said, "Most of the problems in this family are caused by Lil Bit anyway. She's never been anything but a b***h." The next thing I knew my husband was yelling at the top of his lungs and told her to get the hell out of his house and don't EVER come back! I walked into the kitchen and my husband said, "well, I think we are officially out of the will now."

    God, I hope that's the last we see of her. I am so sick of this drama. I just want her to leave us alone. Maybe she will this time. This is the first time my husband has been that harsh with her. I think she really believed that he wouldn't side with me. Just goes to show that she doesn't know her son at all.

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    Re: Rant about your In-Laws

    Quote Originally Posted by Lil Bit;3192046;
    Well, my MIL showed up at our house this morning. So much for "never coming to see you again". Apparently she wanted to try to mend fences so I went into the other room to give her privacy with her son. (I could still hear though). She right away started in with the crocodile tears and launched into the same old, "I'm a wonderful person who is soooo misunderstood and why is everyone so mean to me," routine. My husband didn't say much, just listened. Then she said, "Most of the problems in this family are caused by Lil Bit anyway. She's never been anything but a b***h." The next thing I knew my husband was yelling at the top of his lungs and told her to get the hell out of his house and don't EVER come back! I walked into the kitchen and my husband said, "well, I think we are officially out of the will now."

    God, I hope that's the last we see of her. I am so sick of this drama. I just want her to leave us alone. Maybe she will this time. This is the first time my husband has been that harsh with her. I think she really believed that he wouldn't side with me. Just goes to show that she doesn't know her son at all.
    Wow! Your MIL sounds like a total a-hole to come into YOUR house and say that kind of stuff about you. How disrespectful and totally out of line.

    That's great that your husband put her in her place and showed very clearly where his loyalty lies. My MIL, I believe, has some of the same motivations as yours. She 'tests the waters' so to speak, to see if my husband loves her more than me. If he does what she says, she wins. If he does what I say, I win an she can't take that. Pretty stupid, because in any healthy marriage the husband and wife come first. But I guess it's a game they like to play.

    My MIL was after my husband to promise that he will come home for each and every xmas, no matter what. Okay, how dysfunctional is that? Your son is getting married (to a woman with a child) and you are going to try and make him promise fly out, each xmas, to spend xmas with his mom and dad? Uh, no! When he calmly explained that I have family and at the most we could alternate every other xmas, she exploded.

    Last time we heard from her, she sent my husband a nice email, asking how things were and how we were. But she sent it from FIL's email address, and signed it with FIL's name! Then when my husband responded, she responded with "HA! I got you, this is your mother and you are a horrible son, you don't love me anymore, you don't come home for each xmas, etc etc' What a piece of work she is. But her attitude is seemingly angry because my husband makes decisions with me and not with her anymore.

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