Rant about your In-Laws

[Lois Lane]

burnt, wow. I think the smoking thing would bother me more than the furniture (although that's annoying, too). I guess if she insists on buying furniture, circle something in a catalog and tell her that's what you and Mr. Burnt wanted to buy in the future. It'd be nice if she just gave you the money for it instead. My parents knew I was always particular about things, so they would tell me to pick out something I liked and they would reimburse me for it and it would be their gift to me. We all got what we wanted--they got to be super generous and didn't have to go shopping...and I got to go shopping!

[burntbrat]

Yeah, the furniture thing wasn't so big of a deal. I'd love it if they gave us money for furniture as long as I got to pick it out. The smoking thing just baffles me though. Why would you think it's okay to smoke in a non-smoker's house?? Especially when they've asked you not to and they have small children? I guess she thinks I can't smell it. And she's so secretive about it. It's the dark family secret that she smokes a cigarette after she's had a bunch of wine with dinner. Who cares!? Just smoke outside, dammit.

[Gutmutter]

Or don't serve wine with dinner and if it's requested, out her secret, "I'm sorry, when I serve you wine with dinner, you smoke in the house and that's a line I won't cross with my childrens' health". I like the catalogue idea for furniture, or if that would be too much of a hassle to find a catalogue and come up with something RIGHT NOW, there are times for little white lies... tell her you already have something picked out that costs $X and if she would like to contribrute to that, it would be great! I have a mother who is passive aggressive like your MIL. Maybe she's just trying to let you know the room isn't up to her standards. Yes, it hurts (like my mom reminding me I'm fat and I was always the thin one growing up) - but she believes blunt honesty is a good policy and what can you do? Sorry, but I would not give your husband the option of doing nothing... especially about the smoking. And as for her buying furniture - I would not hesitate to return it for something you want if she gets it. What are you afraid of -hurting her feelings? You'd be perfectly in your rights to tell her it didn't go with the vision you had for that room. It IS your house!!!!! /rant

[DesertRose]

I agree with what Gut said regarding the furniture. Keep the bills and return them. Ha!
As for the smoking, I would seriously put my foot down. It's bad enough she doesn't respect your request, but when you have children in the house it's serious business to me. I would not feel bad about saying that she is no longer welcomed to stay in my house if she continues smoking. No one messes with your children's life.

[Missyboxers]

I agree with Gut and DesertRose. You could remind her that it's your house and if she's not willing to comply with certain requests you've made (i.e. smoking), she's more than welcome to stay at a hotel nearby, where she can smoke as much as she pleases. And, to get your point across, you could always stretch the truth a bit about why it's important that she not smoke in the house (for example, "One of the children has , and wasn't able to go near the family room after your last visit because he had trouble breathing.") or something to that effect. Perhaps if she thinks she's making the children sick, she'll reconsider her decision.

I'd also make her pay for whatever cleaning that room requires to get the smoke out.

[ArchieComic Fan]

We don't allow smoking in the house either and I've had battle after battle with my own mother for sneaking a smoke in the bathroom (and bedroom). We have floor vents and her smoke smell came through the other vents and that's how I busted her. She also thought as long as she opened the window in the bedroom it was okay . I've had to threaten to ban her from staying over.

She smoked in the house with me and my siblings when we grew up too. I gave her the line "you did it in your house and I didn't have a say, but now it's my house and I do have a say." That didn't go over too well. She thought I was treating her, a grown woman, like a child. She just didn't get the fact that I wasn't telling her she wasn't allowed to smoke - just that she couldn't do it in MY house. I also had to ban her from drinking alcohol in my house as that had its own set of problems. That also didn't go over well. Some addictions/habits will always overcome anyone else's safety and comfort, even when it's their own children.

She's staying over for one night next week with her boyfriend and he's not a smoker or much of a drinker. I'm hoping she'll be okay but she's very unpredictable. She thinks if enough time goes by, my "rules" have expired.

And if it was my MIL, I wouldn't have any problem acting the same way. Thankfully though my in-laws don't smoke, although all but one of their sons do. And they don't smoke in my house. But when I go to their house, they figure it's their house and they do smoke inside. I just have to put up with it or not visit. I try to sit away from it although I seem to be a smoke magnet. Whatever position I take, that's the direction the smoke flows .

People who smoke do need to understand that cigarette smoke does cling to carpet, furniture, clothing, etc. (not to mention the health risks to them and the people around them) and unless done outdoors, it does affect other people who are subjected to the same living/working spaces. I think a smoker's sense of smell can be dulled to it but believe me, the scent is strong to those who aren't around it all the time. And it's not a pleasant smell at all.

Just the smell of certain brands on someone's clothing will cause me to have a migraine so badly that I get physically ill.

[doxie]

I have one word to say about In-Laws or other visiting family members: HOTEL! Find an inexpensive, nearby hotel and reserve a room for them. Mr. Doxie's parents live 3,000 miles away (and just officially became my in -laws in December) but they've visited several times and love "their" hotel. We are currently helping them plan a visit in May and the first thing that they asked us was if they could stay at the same hotel. It makes everything so much easier. I'm not going to rant about them because they are great houseguests - because they are staying in a hotel!!!

[Gutmutter]

My parents always stayed at a lovely bed and breakfast with a bar, live music, and a fireplace in the room. They said it was so they wouldn't interfere with the kids' bedtimes. They got to know the owners who sent a lovely letter to my mom after my dad died. Mom said that when Dad was going through alzheimer's and would yell or swear, they were very good about it and understanding because they had known him before that.

[Newfherder]

Not to be a contrarian, but I can not imagine telling my guests that they couldn't smoke in my house.

[dagwood]

All my family and friends that smoke know it is a rule that you go outside. Nobody in my household smokes so I don't think we should be subjected to it by a guest. I don't visit them and ask them not to smoke in the house because I don't, so they shouldn't expect to come to my house and smoke. I think it is a matter of respect for the owner of the home you are visiting.