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Thread: Rant about your In-Laws

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    MRD
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    Re: Rant about your In-Laws

    Quote Originally Posted by ScoutMom;2697562;
    If I'm asked directly for my opinion, I'll give an honest one. If someone asks me how they look in a particular color and they look like death warmed over, I won't use those words. But I would say something like, "I've seen you in other colors that I think look better." They generally get the point.

    But I normally don't offer my opinion on something like that unless I'm asked directly. Kind of like a "don't ask-don't tell" policy!
    good policy to have.
    Que me amat, amet et canem meum
    (Who loves me will love my dog also)

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    Re: Rant about your In-Laws

    It's kept me out of trouble for quite a few years.

    It's other things that get me into trouble - like not being able to say "no".

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    Re: Rant about your In-Laws

    Quote Originally Posted by ScoutMom;2697733;
    It's kept me out of trouble for quite a few years.

    It's other things that get me into trouble - like not being able to say "no".
    I finally learned to say no. But even that sometimes lands me in trouble. But I figure that I'm the only one I really need to please, so if someone gets mad at me saying no to something, then I'm sorry.
    Que me amat, amet et canem meum
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    Re: Rant about your In-Laws

    That's a great policy to have, MRD. I have to start trying that. Is there a 12-step program - you know "Just Say No". Oh, wait - that's taken. [sigh] Well, that's me - a day late and a dollar short.

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    Re: Rant about your In-Laws

    Quote Originally Posted by ScoutMom;2697752;
    That's a great policy to have, MRD. I have to start trying that. Is there a 12-step program - you know "Just Say No". Oh, wait - that's taken. [sigh] Well, that's me - a day late and a dollar short.
    It has taken me years to figure this out. I wish I could help you, but it was a long, ardous process in my case.
    And it helps having a husband who totally does NOT care what anyone else in the world thinks about anything. His philosoply has always been: I only have to please myself. And it finally rubbed off on me.

    So I finally figured out that its true. I am only responsible for my own happiness. I can try to make others happy and that mostly made me miserable. So now, I just work on making me happy, and funny thing is, everyone around me is much happier as a result.

    Same with saying NO. By saying yes, I was making myself miserable. So now, I say no and I don't feel bad about it. I say yes too, but I learned when to say no and its really helped and mostly people are ok with it. It's usually family that has a hard time with it mostly.

    My transformation is not perfect and I still suffer relapses occasionally. But for the most part, it works for me most of the time.
    Que me amat, amet et canem meum
    (Who loves me will love my dog also)

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    Re: Rant about your In-Laws

    Thanks! I have actually said no a couple of times. And then felt terribly guilty afterward. So then I figured it was better to say yes and just do whatever it was than to say no and feel terrible.

    But I'm going to try your policy the next time it comes up. I only have to please myself. I only have to please myself. I only have to please myself. I think it's starting to work.

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    Re: Rant about your In-Laws

    Quote Originally Posted by ScoutMom;2697780;
    Thanks! I have actually said no a couple of times. And then felt terribly guilty afterward. So then I figured it was better to say yes and just do whatever it was than to say no and feel terrible.

    But I'm going to try your policy the next time it comes up. I only have to please myself. I only have to please myself. I only have to please myself. I think it's starting to work.
    Another of the things I've learned over the years. Like Smokey the Bear and forest fires, only YOU can prevent guilt.

    Yeah, I still feel it, but my mother, the travel agent for guilt trips is no longer with us, so a lot of my guilt died with her. But I try really hard NOT to feel guilty. Doesn't ALWAYS work, but for the most part I'm actually ok with it.

    I usually tell people: "I will try to do it. I can't promise, but I will try my best to work something out. If I can't do, I'll let you know so you can make other arrangements. Please understand, I have a lot going on in my life at the moment too."

    Or I just say: "no, I'm sorry, but I have a lot on my plate right now. It's possible that in the future I may be able to do ______________, but right now is not good for me. I'm flattered that you asked though".

    Hit them with a compliment and it eases the sting of the "no".
    Que me amat, amet et canem meum
    (Who loves me will love my dog also)

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    Re: Rant about your In-Laws

    Boy, you're really good at it. These are excellent suggestions. Thanks! Any suggestions for getting out of something that you really don't want to do after you've said yes and have been doing it for a while? There's no one else who wants to step up and do it, but it really is too much for me.

    Well, I guess I just answered my own question. It really IS too much for me. I can't give the job all that it deserves, so I really should step down. My big fear is that no one else will step up, and then it will just not get done at all. Then I figure my feable attempts are better than nothing. But then again, as long as I'm doing the little I can, no one else will bother to step up.

    See how my mind goes in circles???

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    Re: Rant about your In-Laws

    Quote Originally Posted by ScoutMom;2697811;
    Boy, you're really good at it. These are excellent suggestions. Thanks! Any suggestions for getting out of something that you really don't want to do after you've said yes and have been doing it for a while? There's no one else who wants to step up and do it, but it really is too much for me.

    Well, I guess I just answered my own question. It really IS too much for me. I can't give the job all that it deserves, so I really should step down. My big fear is that no one else will step up, and then it will just not get done at all. Then I figure my feable attempts are better than nothing. But then again, as long as I'm doing the little I can, no one else will bother to step up.

    See how my mind goes in circles???

    Scoutmom, if no one steps up to do it, its not up to you to just keep doing it if you don't want to anymore. Don't feel bad if you stop and no one takes it on. That is not your fault, but the others who could be doing it but won't.

    I would just say: I've know I've been doing this for a long time, but its really gotten too much for me and I know it deserves more time than I have to give to it right now, so I'm going to have to step down.

    You really answered your own question.

    Well, I not always good at saying no or not having guilt. But it has been something I've really worked on in the last few years. I spent most of my life doing what everyone thought I should do and frankly, I've been a LOT happier, more centered, more self confident, etc. since I decided to take back my own life and happiness. Plus moving away from everyone I knew helped a lot. But honestly, I've been in therapy for several years and I've read a lot and really worked hard on myself and I do like myself a lot more now. And I've really had to practice to say some of that stuff. I can almost feel my mouth starting to say "yes, I'll do it", when I know my mind has been going over my declinging speech and I have to catch myself. And I have to steel myself against the "sales pitch" too. I've had to become a hardened witch a few times, but I KNOW its not good for me, so I have to say no. I think having the health problems I've had in the past few years have also helped me to be able to say no (and have an excuse as well which helps).

    Believe me, I was once a very shy person who wouldn't say poop if she had a mouthful. I know many of you may find that hard to believe now, but its taken me 45 years to get where I am now, a good therapist, a great hubby, supportive friends and not seeing most of my family anymore.

    Remember the line from the movie Network? "I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore". I think I hit that about 9 years ago and decided I HAD to start making changes.
    Que me amat, amet et canem meum
    (Who loves me will love my dog also)

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    Re: Rant about your In-Laws

    AAAAH!!!!!!

    We had a new room built about 4 months ago right above our family room. It is a guest room. My in-laws are visiting and they are the first to stay in the room since it was built. We've had problems in the past with my in-laws overstepping their boundaries in regards to our house. Today my mother-in-law said she wanted to buy some furniture for the guest room if that would be okay. She mentioned going shopping WITHOUT ME while I was at work during the week. I said let me talk to my husband first because I didn't want to be rude and shoot her down right there. But come on! We're really busy and not made of money, but there's a bed in there and a tv with a tv stand thing. What more do you need in a guest room? I had planned on eventually getting an iron headboard and a nightstand and a little armchair for the corner with windows, maybe a dresser. In my own time, with my own money, and furniture I want since it's my house afterall. Now my mother-in-law is smoking in my brand new guest bathroom even though I've talked to her about it before (I think I mentioned that on this thread already). It's 70 degrees outside and we DON'T allow smoking in the house!!!! Unbelievable. I told my husband that I give up and it's his choice to deal with it or not.
    One of these days I'll stop being sensitive. Until then, I'll continue to be devastated on a daily basis. Life breaks my heart.

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