FORT Koffee Klatch

[Pomeraniac]

Oh Gut, that sounds absolutely awful! How long is your commitment to have him there? What kind of repurcussions could there be in order for him to have to behave better?

If you can figure out what leverage you have then I would sit him down and have a chat with him. When I lived with housemates we'd have to do that every now and then. With all the reasonable, decent people the chats went very well.

You can keep it calm and mellow by presenting it to him as though you're having some problems with the arrangement and you need his cooperation to make things work better for everyone, blah, blah, blah.

That takes the pressure off him because you're telling him (outwardly) that you're having the problem. Skip over the "blame" part where you'd tell him all that he's doing wrong and jump directly to the "here's what I need from you" part, where you tell him what will work.

That way you avoid getting him all defensive because you don't focus on the negative stuff. Dump that on us.

Instead, just tell him what you need from him and figure out how you'll deal with things if he doesn't tow his line. Then stick to that if you have to.

Okay, that's it from me. I almost never give advice but this just reminded me a lot of housemates that we had to deal with, and I wanted to share what used to work. When it didn't work, however, we booted the housemate out on his or her butt. I hope that is an option for you, if necessary.

[MRD]

Gut,
I'm assuming that you have a co-ordinator for the exchange students in your area. When we had ours, there was a person "in charge" that did our house visit and who we had contact with. She also arranged activities for the various students in the area that were under her "care". We were instructed that if any problems arose, we were to go to her and she would be able to help us. We were also in contact with other people that were either currently hosting or had hosted so that we could ask questions like this and try to figure out answers.

Maybe having a chat with the person in charge or other exchange hosts that have had more experience in this could steer you in the right direction for talking t the boy in your house. The exchange student organization was very proactive in being there for both the students and the hosts because they have a hard time getting hosts and they want the experiences to be pleasant for both the students and the hosts and want the hosts to sign up to do this again, so they were very helpful to us all through the year we had our student.

We too had a very difficult student, but she was helpful around the house, it was just the partying and lying to us that we had problems with. It was like she lead two different lives. In our home, she was pleasant and helpful, but when she went out with friends she made, we discovered she was hanging out with a fairly bad crowd and we had to really come down on her about it. Fortunately her parents had talked to us on the phone and had even come to visit part way through her year and they were super nice and helped us a bit by curbing her access to money and talking to her. But I was so glad to see the last of her and I won't host again. I had heard so many postivie stories from others and we really looked forward to being hosts and this girl just ruined it for us. I hope that isn't the case for you. There are always cultural differences, but "when in Rome....." so he has to abide by house rules or you will have to contact the agency and have him replaced. That is exactly what I'd tell him. And I'd tell him that in this country, men help. But it might be wise to talk to the agency first and get a feel for what they also expect and what advice they can give you.

[Yardgnome]

so he has to abide by house rules or you will have to contact the agency and have him replaced. That is exactly what I'd tell him. And I'd tell him that in this country, men help.

I personally don't think you should resort to threatening him especially if you have never brought this info to his attention before. He sounds like a nice enough kid who maybe needs a little guidance on what is expected of him. I would be honest with him and tell him what you expect of him while he is staying in your house. Like Pom said, I would not point out all the negatives but maybe come up with a list of some duties he could help with around the house.

Good Luck!

[MRD]

I personally don't think you should resort to threatening him especially if you have never brought this info to his attention before. He sounds like a nice enough kid who maybe needs a little guidance on what is expected of him. I would be honest with him and tell him what you expect of him while he is staying in your house. Like Pom said, I would not point out all the negatives but maybe come up with a list of some duties he could help with around the house.

Good Luck!

I wasn't advocating threatening him, but telling him what is expected and I have found from experience that you need to get out expectations and consequences to be fully understood. Those aren't threats.

[Gutmutter]

I couldn't wait to come here this morning to see if anyone had offered advice and I want to extend a heart-felt THANKS! to all of you. I like to think of myself as a generous person and my heart has been slowly shrivelling up in regards to this boy. On the other hand, I know he's young, comes from a different culture, and may not even be here by his own choice (a woman working out with me at the Y suggested that his parents may have forced it on him). He doesn't appear to be making any effort to make friends, join clubs, or do anything extra-curricular at all, and I wasn't expecting to be his activities director. I am going to re-read all your advice and give it a day to sink in. I don't want him to think I'm punishing him for eating my daughter's food last night. I will definitely talk with the director of the program. He's been doing it for years, so must have run into similar things. I'll try to be more clear if food is not "take what you want" for any reason, and I'll speak up when I need help. Thanks again. I'll let you know how it's going.

[Yardgnome]

If I was living in a foreign country as an exchange student and my host family told me if I didn't help out around the house then I would be replaced, I would for sure take that as a threat.

Maybe this is just me but I definitely feel like there is a better way to phrase the "consequence."

[Gutmutter]

Another funny thing is that he takes things that aren't his - he took my CD player up to his room without a word and he has taken my son's (away at college) clothes and started wearing them without asking. I know he has spending money and we've taken him to the mall several times, so it's not like he doesn't have access to buying his own clothes (which he has done to a limited extent). I also wonder if he's a little autistic. When he's standing waiting for something, he shifts his weight from foot to foot, weaving back and forth. He's very artistic - likes to draw. We chose him because his profile said he was a swimmer and that's what we do... swim team, teach lessons, swim laps, lifeguard. He said his mom filled that out and he doesn't know how to swim. Also his picture is obviously a much younger one. I feel like we were swindled.

[Mariner]

Gut,

If you think he sometimes doesn't understand spoken english very well, you might want to give him a written list at the end of your talk.

Are the cranberry pudding and roast the first times he's polished off more than his fair share of food? Is there any possibility he's one of those teenage boys who is always hungry and who eats everything in sight?

[Pomeraniac]

Maybe this is just me but I definitely feel like there is a better way to phrase the "consequence."

It's not just you, it's me, too; I would definitely take it as a threat. If I were the kid, way out of my element in a foreign country, I wouldn't react too well to a threat.

[Marleybone]

OK, here's a photo from the USO dance. I tried to copy the hair from a photo of my grandmother. It was ok, not nearly as nice as hers looked, but it worked. It was all pushed up to the top of my head with curls covering the entire top of my head. It had about 100 bobby pins in it. Because it was cool, my husband suggested I wear my mom's stole and I did and I think it really added to the "look". There were quite a few people dressed in period costume and the newspaper had us all get together for a photo, so we'll see. The reporter said it would be in next week.
But the dance was a lot of fun. GREAT swing band and just had an awesome time.

Myrosiedog, you look really nice in that photo.