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Unfortunately, when I first started working (many, many years ago!), I was in Northern Canada in a community where drug/alcohol abuse and physical abuse were very prevalent. Sometimes, I would wonder why the parents, grandparents didn't seem to be more upset. The general feeling was that, "we had to live through it, so they can live through it." It was very sad, and a lot of abuse is cyclical, and the needs intervention to change attitudes.
When we first moved here last year, I met a woman that was being abused. I tried and tried to talk to her, to be a good friend, to get her to seek help. She had 2 young children and she would say she didn't want her girls to grow up seeing that and thinking it was ok. She finally started to make some plans to get out of that situation and then ended up pregnant again. The last I heard from her was that now that she was going to have a baby, everything would be ok. Unfortunately I doubt that. She already had 2 by this man, so how was baby number 3 going to help? I lost contact with her and I've often wondered how she is doing. But to be honest, I mostly lost contact with her of my own choice. Her problems were getting to me and I was so frustrated that she would not seek help that for my own sake (and here is my own pure selfishness) had to remove myself from that situation. I guess you can't help someone who doesn't want that help.
That was a tough tough lesson for me to learn. Similar situation, except the friend was a girl from high school I had know for many many years, and the situation was downright terrifying at times. I couldn't help her if she didn't want my help, but it was just so hard for me to accept that. I kept thinking I could "save" her... Had to finally cut ties, because it was just simply too much for me to handle. And I began to worry for the safety of myself and my daughters... this guy was seriously bad news.Originally Posted by myrosiedog;2566513;
It's hard and I still feel a bit guilty about breaking contact. But like you said, it comes to a point where you just can't help them and if its affecting you, then you do something about the stuff you can do, even if that means breaking ties.
I tend to get very emotionally caught up in my friends situations and with this one realized that I couldnt' do a damn thing to change it and for my own mental health, I needed to leave it alone. I pray for her. I hope things improve or she gets the guts to leave.
For me, no man is worth being abused by and my child would come first, come hell or high water. I am very lucky that I had a very strong mom that instilled that in me. But she had watched her own mother get abused by my grandfather and so she finally stood up to her own father when she was 16. I find that incredibly brave after what she told me she had witnessed. And she raised me to know that I could do it on my own, I didn't need a man and that no man was worth it if he hurt me or my child. At least that's one cycle that got broken.
I think we've all been there when we realize that we know what's going to happen and know that it will be worse than a train wreck and there's nothing we can do to help the situation BECAUSE the other person won't listen to us. My biggest problem is when there are children involved. My bff has a daughter now in rehab and if she strays one inch will end up in prison. I feel sorry for her 6 year old daughters.
When I was divorced, I had "1.5" relationships that didn't work out. I finally came to understand that I didn't pick men very well, so when it ended, then and there I decided that I would not be running men in and out of my son's life, just to have a man present for me. I also didn't think it was a necessarily safe situation for my son. I didn't date until he left for college, since I didn't want to go to prison for seriously doing something to someone who might have hurt my son. I am glad that I made that decision, to this day. A lot of men will compete with your child/children for your attention, and that is a decision that you should never have to make.
When I look at the animal kingdom, you sometimes see that the adult males (who are not the fathers of the babies) often will kill the females' offspring from another male. I hate to say that you see that in humans, but you do. You just never really know what you're getting into. Although there are some fabulous men out there, there are plenty of the other kind too and, sometimes the children pay the price. I just don't think it's worth the risk.
I chose to not become a mother because I've never had that "mother bear" 24/7 nurturing instinct. Even with varying degrees of pressure from friends and/or relatives who just didn't get it: "Oh, you're such a good teacher -- when are you having kids?" (ummmm -- never) Or "You're so good with kids; you'd be a great mother!" (uh, no I wouldn't) My husband, fortunately, never felt this great desire to have kids, either. I'm glad I never gave in to the peer pressure. Not that I'd leave my kids to roast in a car or anything, but I doubt they'd get the quality of parenting they'd deserve.
You know, I have several friends that also made that decision. I admire you and them for recognizing that you do not want to be a parent and not caving into pressure. I think a lot of other people should have made that decision. But again, its a personal decision that doesn't work for everyone. That's why we are all unique individuals. My niece is a wonderful parent, but her mother was not cut out to be a mother. Her mother, the grandmother lived with them and it is she that basically raised my neice. Not that my SIL is a horrid person and a bad mother, but she just wasn't cut out to mother or nurture. It's different now that my niece is older and a parent herself as she and her mother have a more friendship like relationship.
But I think we are raised (especially girls, even in this "modern" day) to grow up, get married and have kids. And to recognize that you don't want kids, is a way more responsible and mature person than those that have them and then ignore or abuse them.
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