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Thread: FORT Koffee Klatch

  1. #23161
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    Re: FORT Koffee Klatch

    Hi NorwIndian! It is good to see you back online.

    I'm so sorry for the pain and suffering that your daughter's husband is causing. The picture that keeps sticking in my mind is of your daughter with a cake for his birthday and him not coming home. Wow. I left a cheater many years ago (we weren't married) and I never regretted it. It took many years to stop feeling hurt as he was my first love. My daughter's first boyfriend started showing the same pattern of treating her badly and it made me crazy but I held my tongue for quite a while. She broke up with him many times but he always tried to get back with her and he played her well. She kept thinking of how nice he was or could be rather than how he was really treating her. Finally she changed plans and went to a different college than the one near to him and that finally ended it. I remember telling her how great it was that she woke up from that bad scene much more quickly than I had. I was with my boyfriend for 6 years and 4 of those years were pretty terrible! She was done after 2 years. Many of my coworkers are going through the same thing with husbands who turn bad and leave them. It is painful at first but most of them get stronger as they grown independent of that relationship. I like the advice to have an attorney help guide her and protect her rights and income. And to document as much as possible. A friend of mine even used his texts to expose what a snake he was and it helped her get sole custody of their child.
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  2. #23162
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    Re: FORT Koffee Klatch

    NorwIndian! So glad you're up to posting again.
    My advice to your daughter - get the meanest, ugliest lawyer in the area NOW (so he can't) and give him all the pictures and recordings. I thought my ex would be reasonable where the kids were concerned (financially). I got a touchy-feely "mediator" lawyer and he got a shark who wouldn't even look me in the eye when we were introduced. I got screwed royally and my kids and I were on a mac'n'cheese budget for YEARS. ($100 a week in child support for 3 kids). I'm finally back on my feet 15 years later and he's rolling in the dough. Having said all that - divorcing him was the smartest thing I ever did. He was cheating on me with my best friend.
    As others have said - it's not uncommon for abused women to return again and again. So keep your support neutral. Let her know you'll be there whatever happens. There's really nothing you can do to take away the pain she's feeling right now.
    Well, there's one thing. It's called Tonglen... traditionally a Buddhist tradition, but works for any religion. You get in a quiet place and act as a channel between her and the divine. You breathe in her pain (through you, not into you) and breathe out loving kindness to her. Breathe in the pain, breathe out the loving kindness. I've been told this has been very effective for people who know I'm doing it for them. (I've done it for you ). I do it for my students sometimes.
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  3. #23163
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    Re: FORT Koffee Klatch

    I've come to understand that it is not smart to believe that it's good to offer "the benefit of the doubt". For a person's best interest, there is NO such thing. If you do, you usually just end up making a fool of yourself. You give a clown the benefit of the doubt when you marry him; after he shows you who he really is, all bets are off. It's not a cold move; it's a smart one. If he's done it to you once, and you decide to take him back, he will see that as weakness and he, in all likelihood, will just do it again.
    "...each affects the other, and the other affects the next, and the world is full of stories, but the stories are all one." - Mitch Albom, one helluva writer

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  4. #23164
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    Re: FORT Koffee Klatch

    Quote Originally Posted by NorwIndian View Post
    Hi friends! I hope everybody is doing well. I'm doing ok. Getting stronger every day.
    I apologize for interrupting the conversation but I desperately need some advice.


    My sweet, beautiful, loving, caring, giving daughter has just found out that her husband has been having an affair for the past year. I want to hurt this selfish s.o.b, (it's a good thing that I can't swear here).
    My girl is broken. I don't know how to help her. I've listened, offered advice and have just been here when she needed me. I wish she was a little girl again, I could fix her troubles then but I can't now and it's killing me.
    I don't know what to do to help her. She keeps asking me what's wrong with her that he would do this or what she did wrong. Its not her, he is the most self centered, selfish person I've ever known. He cares about nothing but himself. I've kept my mouth shut about a lot of things over the years.
    She gave all of herself to him. She is a great wife and he just s*** all over her. I hate him more than I have ever hated anybody in my life for doing this to her and my grandkids. They don't deserve this.

    Do any of you have any advice on what I can do to help her? I want to take her pain and put it on myself but of course I can't do that. I'm heartbroken for her. She gave everything she had to this relationship and he does this to her. I hate him so so so much.
    Thanks for letting me vent.

    I hope you're all doing well! I haven't felt like commenting but I've been keeping up by reading here when I can.
    As for me, I'm plugging along. Recovery is going slowly but surely. I just hope this body cast will come off before the really hot weather starts.

    Going way back to the earthquake conversation you all had pages ago: I've been through a lot of earthquakes. I was visiting my brother when a hurricane hit. I'll take an earthquake any day! By the time you realize "oh crap, that's an earthquake" its over! As a native Californian I'm used to the earthquakes.
    NorwIndian - first and foremost, it is really good to hear from you!! Welcome back!

    Your daughter - oh, my heart breaks for her, in part because I've been there. There is no magic fix that you can give her, unfortunately. The reality is that this is something she has to walk through on her own, and it isn't easy. Here's my situation - maybe it's the same and maybe it isn't (but I see some similarities based on what you've said). When I was growing up, I had very low self-esteem. I could fake it when I needed to but ultimately I didn't love myself and I didn't believe I was worth it. That fed into my relationships, unfortunately. I didn't think I was worth it, so I chose men who didn't treat me like I was. When one in particular cheated on me, I was convinced it was my fault - that I had done something wrong and not given him enough. Ultimately I came to realize that wasn't true at all. He treated me how I'd "asked" him to treat me. If I didn't think I was worth it - why would he? And he was REALLY good at manipulating me because he knew my fears and weaknesses. It took years for me to build up the strength to leave him - to realize I was a good person and I deserved better. I took some time by myself and really worked on myself. Then I met a wonderful man who worships me. We have a great relationship (not perfect, of course) and two wonderful kids. I thank God for him every day. My ex, on the other hand, has been in one dysfunctional crazy relationship after another since I left. Dysfunction finds dysfunction. But his actions are his and have nothing to do with her - other than her letting him treat her like that. My ex was also physically abusive, but that's another story. Ultimately, he was weak and had issues with strong women. I thought I had to be weak to keep him - but of course that just fed into the abuse. I finally realized that I am a strong woman and I don't need to apologize or change myself for anyone. And there are men out there who cherish that and know how to deal with it (and they are the truly strong men, by the way). She can get through this - but she needs to not look at what she did to cause him to cheat - but rather why she is even questioning why that is ok. Who cares why he cheated? The real question is why does she care - and that will probably get into what she needs to look at and work on herself. Because she doesn't deserve this - she deserves much better. But she has to believe that about herself before she will be strong enough to look for it.
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  5. #23165
    Signed, Sealed, Delivered prhoshay's Avatar
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    Re: FORT Koffee Klatch

    I just hope she keeps in mind "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."
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    "...each affects the other, and the other affects the next, and the world is full of stories, but the stories are all one." - Mitch Albom, one helluva writer

    When you throw a rock into a pack of dogs, you know which one you hit by the one that yelps!

  6. #23166
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    Re: FORT Koffee Klatch

    NorwIndian, I am so very happy to hear that your recovery is progressing well. And so very sad to hear about your daughter's situation. I don't have anything to add to the very sound advice others have offered. [Aren't FORTers wonderful? The amount of collective wisdom here is astounding.]
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  7. #23167
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    Re: FORT Koffee Klatch

    NorwIndian I am also so glad to see you back online! I'm very sorry to hear about the pain your daughter is going through. I don't have any advice to add beyond what others here have said, since they offered such fantastic insight! I do agree that your daughter is very fortunate to have you to lean on while she deals with this rough situation!!

  8. #23168
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    Re: FORT Koffee Klatch

    If she does stay with the jerk, make sure she knows that how you feel about her is unrelated to how you feel about him. She's your daughter and you love her & are on her side, nomatter what, and that won't change. Being on her side means you want what's best for her and want her to be happy, not necessarily that you agree with all her decisions or will support them if you don't agree with them.

    If she does choose to stay with the jerk, recommend that she start squirrelling away a bit of money to save just in case. Any small amount adds up. Not in an account or place where he would ever know, but rather, give it to you to keep for her. Maybe set up an account in your name with only her money in it. And don't ever EVER let him know about it, nomatter how things turn out. That way she will have a bit of a safety net.

    I don't know what her employment or financial situation is, but she needs to make sure she & her children have a safety net & won't be left with nothing but debt & the inability to pay it if she does get out.
    This is what happened to me, although I was at the point where I would have lived in my broken down car rather than staying with that awful man any longer.
    Once I was rid of him though, I bounced back remarkably fast. My confidence in myself came back & I realized I had been the brains of the pair all along, although I never knew it. My self esteem, my standard of living, my comfort, & my fun in life thrived. I got ME back.

    Once again I'm turning this into "Finance 101 According to Scarlet."
    Last edited by Miss Scarlet; 04-16-2014 at 01:15 PM.
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  9. #23169
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    Re: FORT Koffee Klatch

    Everyone has their own saturation point. Once your daughter has reached hers, separating will be a lot easier. Once you are truly ready, the pain isn't as great and the drive is spot on. It's an individual thing. You know it when it happens.
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  10. #23170
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    Re: FORT Koffee Klatch

    Quote Originally Posted by Debb70 View Post
    Everyone has their own saturation point. Once your daughter has reached hers, separating will be a lot easier. Once you are truly ready, the pain isn't as great and the drive is spot on. It's an individual thing. You know it when it happens.
    I agree with this. You can't tell her when to leave or how to feel. No one knows her situation completely. Only she knows the whole story and only she will know when she will be ready to leave or make a move. And once a person is ready, there is no stopping - that is what happened to me and Debb70 is right, it's so much easier once your mind is made up and the pain isn't as great, and you just do what needs to be done. Take care.
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