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Thread: FORT Koffee Klatch

  1. #23151
    FORT Fogey Punkin's Avatar
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    Re: FORT Koffee Klatch

    Welcome home, Darlin'! I am so sad to hear about your daughter's situation. I had the same experience with my first husband and kept forgiving him and hanging on until there was nothing left of myself. It's normal to take the blame on yourself, thinking there is something wrong with you, when the reality is that they are just rotten husbands. As hard as it seems, the sooner she can get up the strength to kick him out and file for divorce, support and child support, the sooner will she find her own strength and be able to move on. Nothing easy in this, but if he's cheating now, he may have in the past without her finding out, and he certainly will do it again in the future. Philanderers don't stop philandering.

    I'm sure this is so very hard on you, too, worrying what will happen to her and the grandkids, but it is by no means a new story, and many women have been through the same and come out stronger, healthier and able to thrive with her kids. That strong bond you share with your daughter is the most important thing she has right now to make some hard decisions. Keep us up to date and we will give you all the advice and support we can.

    Kisses, Sweetie. Lynda

    PS - I really, really hate him too! The dirty, rotten bas**rd! Let's help her to kick him to the curb. (My Ex went on to cheat on his next two wives, too. The last one solved the problem by becoming agoraphobic for a few years, keeping him too busy with the shopping, cleaners, dropping off and picking up the kids, teacher's meetings, and all the other "outside the house" things this stay at home mother used to do for the family. Good for her!)
    Last edited by Punkin; 04-15-2014 at 06:40 PM.
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  2. #23152
    FORT Fogey Lizard's Avatar
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    Re: FORT Koffee Klatch

    Hello NorwIndian,

    About 10 years ago I asked my psychologist teacher friend who himself had divorced twice why men cheat (I had many friends going through divorces). I told him that it appears that they are all cheating with ugly women. He told me they do it because of low self esteem. Ten years later, my friends are strong and thriving.

    A cheater is a cheater. She will have greater peace when she can get away from him. Unfortunately she will have to deal with him because of the children. I think that she just needs to care about the children, not say anything bad about the father and whoever it is he hangs out with.

    I understand she is in a lot of pain. My friends all said that three and six months later it gets so much better. John Tesh said that a study said that people believe it takes them a year to recover from a break up. If by recover he means believe that the spouse cannot hurt you anymore, I think that is true.

    She should avoid over romanticizing the bastard. My ex's ex told me that he had only wanted her for the house; and then in my divorce he only wanted me for the house that he could not have acquired himself. He lost the other house; and I am sure he will lose the one I bought. His greediness was my way of getting away uncontested. Contested would have cost me more than $20,000 more because of the spending he had hid and Florida being no fault.

    I am feeling better and better myself.

    Hugs for you and your girl
    Last edited by Lizard; 04-15-2014 at 06:58 PM.
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  3. #23153
    FORT Fogey Debb70's Avatar
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    Re: FORT Koffee Klatch

    NorWIndian, so good to see you posting. I do hate you have this situation on top of your medical issues. I hope you can get your body cast off before too long too. It must be so frustrating.

    Ref. your daughter. You are good to be her support. That is priceless, however, you never know what she may end up doing. If she forgives and moves on, it may be awkward if she feels you want him gone. Just saying. I'd tell her you'll be there, no matter her decision. Unless you don't feel that way.

    The first thing I would advise her to do, even before discussing divorce is to see a divorce attorney in secret. She should find out where she stands financially and what her rights are. If he knows in advance he could move money.

    Also, a professional counselor for her would be good too, if that is feasible. They can offer all kinds of reassurance and provide coping tools that she will need. Plus, it would give her another outlet and that's important when you have so much pain and anger.

    I hope things get better.
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  4. #23154
    FORT Fogey Punkin's Avatar
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    Re: FORT Koffee Klatch

    Big hugs and kisses to you, too, Lizard. Good for you! You've braved the whirlwind and come out the other end intact and feeling good about yourself. Bravo! to you and any of the rest of us who have suffered through a bad marriage, or through childhood trauma, and come out a winner! We are Women, hear us Roar!!
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  5. #23155
    8/2/64 until forever! AZChristian's Avatar
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    Re: FORT Koffee Klatch

    Hugs, NorWindian.

    Your daughter's situation is just so sad. But she has a strong woman to lean on, and I know you will be a big emotional help to her. I just want to say "Amen" to what Debb70 has written. Make sure your daughter sees an attorney sooner rather than later. The emotional pain will take some time to heal, but she needs to protect herself and her kids . . . and focusing on that may help her to not feel so swamped by the emotions.

    Please tell her we're all sorry.

    AZC
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  6. #23156
    FORT Fogey Punkin's Avatar
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    Re: FORT Koffee Klatch

    Good advice, Debb. Sometimes it takes a few good kicks in the butt for someone to realize there is no fixing the problem. It took several betrayals from my Ex for me to finally see the light.
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  7. #23157
    FORT Fan NorwIndian's Avatar
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    Re: FORT Koffee Klatch

    Thank you. I knew I could count on you guys. I really have nobody to vent to about this. She's close with all of my "real life" friends and I don't want to talk to them and spread her personal business, plus I know that my friends would feel the same way I do about the situation. They'd want to kick his butt too. I can't talk to my husband because if he knew all of the details, her husband would be hurt. Daddy doesn't stand for somebody hurting his little girl and I've had to stop my son from going over there to "talk" to him so I'm kinda limited on who I can talk to about it.

    Her husbands birthday was last Monday. She and my granddaughter went out, got him his favorite cake and presents and sat there all night waiting and he never came home. She's talked to the wh***who he's cheating with. Apparently she knew he was married and fell for the cheaters 101 line that she "doesn't understand" him and they don't sleep in the same bed. None of that is true so Amanda told her the truth. So he started screaming at my daughter and calling her all kinds of names for ruining his relationship with his mistress!! My dog I frikkin hate him!
    He's threatening to take the kids, which will never happen with his past record. I advised her to get her phone every time he starts screaming at her and record it so she has been.
    He has temper tantrums like a 2 year old and has put many holes in their walls. She's making notes of all that and taking pics of the damage he's done to the house. He's never had consequences for his actions before, his entire family is selfish and out for what they can get so he thinks his behavior is fine.

    The thing that really worries me is that I'm afraid that if he says the right things, she'll stay.
    I'm a mellow, peace loving hippie chick but I want to hurt him. I want him to suffer like he's making my baby girl suffer.

    Thanks again for letting me get this off my chest. I needed it really bad. And thanks for the advice.

    Thanks.
    Last edited by NorwIndian; 04-15-2014 at 07:20 PM.
    ~You can't buy love. But you can rescue it~

  8. #23158
    FORT Fogey Miss Scarlet's Avatar
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    Re: FORT Koffee Klatch

    First off, the good news: NorwIndian! You're back! So glad to see your cute doggies in your picture again & hear you're getting better.

    Second, your daughter's problems: I saw your post as soon as you posted it & had an immediate urge to reply, but seeing that this situation is a huge sorespot for me, I figured my language would get me banned from FORT for life. So I gave it a bit of time.

    There have been so many excellent advice & statements made here that I can't quote them all. A few of the points that hit home for me were: That your daughter asked what was wrong with HER. There's NOTHING wrong with her. The problem is HIM! He chose this dispicable act of his own choice & selfishness & disregard for her, their marriage & their children. There's nothing she could have done to prevent it. Only HE could have prevented it & he chose not to. This is textbook abuser/control behavior. Blame the victim until she blames herself.
    Next the fact that he flipped out & blamed HER for the fact that he lost his nasty wh***. How dare he?!?!?! Calling him a piece of scum is a compliment.

    The best thing you can do is make sure she knows you're there for her and love her, nomatter what. And the grandchildren. You don't need to watch your mouth regarding your opinion of him. Let her know. Make it clear. If she does end up going back to the *?&!%*#, she needs to know how you feel about him & that you will NOT forgive him, even if she does, nor will you pretend to. But that SHE is loved completely & always welcome with you & in your home, even if you don't agree with her choice. When it happens again, and it will, you love her unequivically.

    As to him: It's a known fact that if a woman lets something like this go hoping it won't happen again, it will. She has given him permission to do it again, and again, and any other abuses he cares to come up with. It WILL happen, guaranteed.

    In regards to seeing a divorce lawyer in secret, I'd also suggest she file in secret too, and not let him know until he's served, preferably by an officer of the courts. This way she can have her lawyer freeze any marital property: house; bank accounts; credit cards; vehicles; etc. before he ever gets the inkling to start disposing of anything. Have the attorney get a copy of this to any accounts before he is served. Been there. Done that. Know what I'm talking about.

    Last but not least: CANCEL THE CREDIT CARDS! ALL OF THEM! I know everyone thinks "he wouldn't do something like that" WRONG! Speaking from experience.
    If either of them need credit they can apply for a new one. Under only the one name.

    By the way, I had a hard time keeping this clean & keeping my fuming anger in check. Yes, this was in check. You should have seen what I would really like to write.
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  9. #23159
    FORT Fogey Lizard's Avatar
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    Re: FORT Koffee Klatch

    It is good your son does not talk to him. Perhaps it may have been better if she had not told the dumb girl. If the husband was involved with the distraction it would be easier to get away from him. And he might chose to hang onto your daughter because he has no one else supporting him at the moment.

    Time spent buying that jerk gifts is wasted. Better to spend time taking care of herself.

    She did not do anything to make him a cheat. And all that name calling...he is just showing his colors.
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  10. #23160
    FORT Fan NorwIndian's Avatar
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    Re: FORT Koffee Klatch

    Thank you all so much. You've given me some really good advice to pass on to her. I'm going to talk to her when she comes over tomorrow.

    It doesn't matter if our kids are babies or parents themselves, we still feel their pain so deeply.
    One of my favorite sayings, and it's so true is "you're only as happy as your saddest child"

    Thank you again. I'll be back soon. Take care everybody. I'll be able to join in more soon but I still pop in and catch up.
    Last edited by NorwIndian; 04-16-2014 at 01:30 AM.
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    ~You can't buy love. But you can rescue it~

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