So, I have no idea how long this will last, but for right now, I hope to take a calmer approach to things. Whether it be conflict, anger, pain, or sadness.
I take comfort in knowing that in some cases, I am the better person.
I should try to no longer hurt others for no reason. I have in the past. Not because I wanted to, but because I found no other way. I should try to make sure I am not hurt, either. I should realize why I may feel hurt, and if I can't find good reason on behalf of the other person, then they are not worth my soul.
As I showered tonight, I had a bililoquy, between myself and someone I can't see or hear but know is there. I had a whole letter forming in my head as a result of searching for positive thoughts. While I may have forgotten some of it by now, I try to recollect whatever I can.
I am not the one that calls people I don't even know ugly to their face, or makes fun of someone that has died on what should be a personal online memorial page, or even who opposes the stupidest little things like interracial relationships. When I think poorly of myself, I should think about those people and realize that I am not bad. I am better than a lot of people. I am not prejudice and I have found that nothing makes me angrier than others that are that. Hence on what I believe regarding the "country cult".
I may have pushed people away in the past, for several reasons, whether it be them not doing what I feel like I need them to, or because my acts of desperation were too much to handle. While I still do that today, I wish I could finally learn to react differently.
The friends that I have lost in the past, I will not get back, even if I tried. If they are not willing to give me a chance after a number of years since our last issue, then that's not my fault. That's their belief that people never change. But I think they can, and me trying positivity is me being the better person.
We had family friends, a mother and daughter, who we have known for all of the daughter's life (she's the same age as my younger brother). But years ago now, we lost them. Not because of me, but because of my dad. He took out his anger on them due to something that happened with another one of their relatives. For a while before he finally cut them loose, he and his then-girlfriend wouldn't even let us see them anymore. To this day I would love to see them again. I found the daughter through facebook about a year or so ago now, and tried contacting her, making sure everything was okay and that they were doing fine.. She never responded. But, I am sure that she is. I hope they know that what happened was in no way my fault, or anyone's fault other than my dad's. I never agree with what my dad does or has done.
I have left three schools, all for the same reason. I'd let myself fall into such a deep depression over obsessions I form with people there that I do whatever I can to make sure I don't go, so I don't have to see them. Then of course that means I fall way behind on my work. Rather than work extra hard to catch up, I would just give up. I would give up and leave. To this day I have not yet finished all of the courses I need to. Once I can accept that I don't need friends or people to talk to, I can go and complete what I need to.
I hardly have any real life friends. I have bad social anxiety and I am obviously more open about myself when I have to type rather than speak. If this was a speech I had to give somewhere, I really don't think I would be able to.
I have anxiety about other things too, like my neighbors, for the longest time now. It has gotten so bad at one point that I would do whatever I can to avoid the kitchen (where the front doors are located - due to door slams happening frequently), and I try to always have something playing on my computer headphones...
I think that is all I am willing to share with the public right now. I have other things on my mind but those are definitely not going to be posted out here.
But why did I post this much here? Because I want to thank everyone on here that are there for me and are there for me and willing to listen and respond whenever I need them to. There aren't a lot, but I think there are a couple. In the past, I've gotten myself rejected from a number of groups of people because I expressed my anger in a very negative way. Whether it be in frequent swears, threats, etc. I hope to not do that anymore.
If anybody wishes to respond to anything I just said, please do so by PM, and if you have nothing helpful to say, such as calling me crazy, pathetic, or attention-seeking (which I am sure some people may believe), then don't do it.