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Thread: FORT Koffee Klatch

  1. #19551
    FORT Fogey Miss Scarlet's Avatar
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    Re: FORT Koffee Klatch

    Well PGM35, I think this woman just has a bug up her butt about something. I think it's a shame she's decided to keep whatever it is secret from you just to spite you. That's what it sounds like she's doing to me.

    Have you considered asking one of the other women in the cycling wives what it may be? Someone you are close to & could confide in, who wouldn't blab to Miss Bug-up-Her-Butt that you were aking. Maybe it's some inadvertent slight that she felt or misunderstood, that if you knew about it you could approach her in person & explain or even apologize for the inadvertent slight.

    I also knew a woman who was part of our large "wives" group, back when I was married. She was always pleasant to my face whenever we were at someone else's house or any kind of event. But from day 1 of when we met, whenever she invited women to get together for lunches, or parties, even children's events, I & my children were always left off the list. I told myself "maybe she just forgot" "it wasn't intentional". But it happened every time she was the inviter for anything, for over 20 years. Finally it became clear that it was intentional. My name was deliberately left off a Christmas card, when everyone else in my family was listed one by one, by first name.
    To this day, I have absolutely no idea what ever caused her to feel this way. There were never any unpleasant words, actions or inferences made by me, to her face or to anyone else.
    She passed away a few years ago unexpectedly & to be honest I felt no sadness or regret. I'm glad she's gone so as not to slight me anymore. I didn't waste my time going to the funeral or even sending a card.
    Everyone else who knew her went on about what a wonderful woman she was, full of Christian kindness, giving & a joy to be around. That's NOT the woman I knew, but I kept my opinion to myself. I thought: "yeah, right, some Christian kindness she had."

    Some women are just like that. They seem to feel treating another poorly gives them power. They pick a victim & that's just the way it goes. No one wants to rock the boat & be the new victim, so they don't bring it up.
    I think maybe your "friend' may be one of these people. If you want to try to have a friendship with this woman, I'd suggest you try to find out what's wrong quietly & then clear the air with her. If that doesn't work, quit feeding her ego. Don't go out of your way to jump through hoops for this woman. You'll never jump high enough.
    "Is this Heaven? No, it's Iowa. --Field of Dreams--"

  2. #19552
    Best Buddies Gutmutter's Avatar
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    Re: FORT Koffee Klatch

    Quote Originally Posted by prhoshay View Post
    Why are you crawling to this woman BEGGING for her attention and approval? There is something pathetically not right here. You need to take the bull by the horns and get the issue out on the table, or accept that your relationship has run its course/lifespan. There are other people in the world who will appreciate your friendship. I don't think she deserves your begging; she has the upper hand and she knows it; I'm guessing she is enjoying her "position of power". She's being mean, and she knows it.


    Gut, what's the update on your elderly neighbor with the intruders??
    I agree with 'shay - this is a time for direct inquiry. Remember to use "I" statements..."Our friendship has always meant so much to me, but I've been feeling like you're angry about something." - instead of accusations (You don't invite me anymore). I'm sorry you're having to go through this.
    My elderly neighbor will have her home back to herself in one week! The granddaughter/boyfriend/kids found an apartment. Thank you to everyone who held her in their thoughts and prayers. She is also taking two of my kittens a year after her beloved cat died. She was feeding them while I was out of the country and fell in love. I'm holding them for her until the hellions are gone.
    Count your blessings!

  3. #19553
    Signed, Sealed, Delivered prhoshay's Avatar
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    Re: FORT Koffee Klatch

    I don't think I could breathe easily until they were definitely out of there!
    "...each affects the other, and the other affects the next, and the world is full of stories, but the stories are all one." - Mitch Albom, one helluva writer

    When you throw a rock into a pack of dogs, you know which one you hit by the one that yelps!

  4. #19554
    FORT Aficionado echo226's Avatar
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    Re: FORT Koffee Klatch

    PGM35, It sounds to me as if your communications have been in writing and doing that can definitely create misunderstandings.

    You could try calling ,,, but it sounds as if something is up. There is definitely a sense that she is distancing herself from you.

    It is possible that one or more of the cycling wives don't feel as close to you. When you are with that group, how are the interactions. That may give you a clue.

    Also, and I hate to say this, but because you are not a cycling "wife" they may feel that you don't exactly share the same interests. Also, sometimes married women are just uncomfortable with a single woman in the mix. Your friend may have found a better "fit" with the other wives.

    I think you could call her and tell her you've saved the date and if she'd like your help, you're there for her.
    See how a telephone or in person conversation goes ... and if you still feel excluded ... send her a nice Birthday Card and a cake mix.
    "The way to become boring is to say everything." Voltaire

    " The greatness of a nation can be judged by the way its animals are treated. "
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  5. #19555
    FORT Fogey PGM35's Avatar
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    Re: FORT Koffee Klatch

    Well, it'll take more explanations than I'm sure you will want to hear about in this saga with me and my best friend and I'm sure that I'm not blameless here as well - I'm also passive aggressive so I give as well as I take (or in this case can't take). haha. The last line about Mike and the gym wasn't worded that way - I paraphrased so you would all understand it - but it was definitely a dig and uncalled for and was a cheap shot at saying, if this is too much trouble for you, I will understand if you can't make it. Normally, I'd get pissed off at friends for saying things like that and hold grudges and not talk to them, and miss an important event like this and keep the "feud" going for no real reason other than, I can't believe she said that me for no reason and even if she has a reason (in her head) but I'm too stubborn to ask her and she's too stubborn to tell me.

    So, for whatever reason, I feel like this relationship is worth saving - maybe because we have about 50 or so friends in common and I run a Meetup group for Ladies where we met these friends and where we always say we are drama free (lol) and I hate to be the one causing any drama so I am going to put on my "big girl panties" and let it go and say, No, you misunderstood my email and I do want to do this for you, yada, yada, yada. Anyway, I did write her back. She wrote back and said my email implied that SHE must have done something wrong with MY happy hour b/c she didn't ask me who I wanted to invite and whether I wanted to write it up or not. It seems I can't win it. So again, I wrote back, I must not be writing clearly b/c I didn't mean that at all and I just wanted to make her happy hour special for her blah, blah, blah and she ended up saying not to worry about it, blah, blah, and long story short, I have to get balloons for her b/c every happy hour, she gets balloons for everyone - she brought helium balloons with Thomas or Bob the Construction Guy for Mike's 40th bday which everyone thought was really cute. And if that's all I have to do for this to blow over and her be ok with it, I am ok with that. End of story. haha.

    I see your points about being direct with her but that would only cause a fight and one of those "you said this so you must mean this" argument and I don't want to do that. I have a problem with being wrong and always having to be right and I tend to fight til I'm proven right so that means I never back down and it's gotten me into a lot of trouble especially with someone who keeps track of everything down to the where they were moment and about what was going on and can pull up the email to prove it. Soooooo - going to go with the flow here and just let go.

    Like I said, there is a whole lot more to it and to get into it all would bore you but a few minor details, I am married sort of, so I wouldn't be the single girl with this crew (they are all in the group and how we all met).

    This BFF and I are sort of "mean" girls sometimes and have made comments about other people to each other at times between ourselves (one of the things we had in common) and maybe she has had a hard time forgetting something I said once about one of the wives she's closer to now.

    Also our husbands (my BFF and mine) are VERY similar yet about 8-10 years apart in age). They are both blue collar guys. Well Mike doesn't like to do a lot of the things he likes to do ( mainly b/c of age) and I think this scares this guy thinking he will end up like him one day. So that is (I think - and I might be wrong) why he doesn't like to hang out with him.

    Also Mike's hours are different than these other guys and he tends to have to work a lot of Saturdays when these other couples are getting together and I have to either go solo or not go so that cramps our style somewhat.

    Another thing is that Mike and my relationship is different in that I get to go out by myself as well as I manage all our money. Mike gets to buy fun stuff when we have surplus and Mike doesn't micromanage what I do with my budget so I can shop and stuff too. This guy doesn't like that and doesn't think his wife should do that or have access to his money and sometimes gets jealous when he sees Mike buying stuff for his truck that he'd like to do. Again, all speculation but comments have been made and conversations have been had leading me to believe some of this stuff. So that is where some of this is from.

    Thanks for your advice though. I'm learning as I go and feel I have grown in my handling of friendships though and trying to be a better person as I go along.

  6. #19556
    FORT Aficionado echo226's Avatar
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    Re: FORT Koffee Klatch

    Quote Originally Posted by PGM35 View Post
    Like I said, there is a whole lot more to it and to get into it all would bore you but a few minor details, I am married sort of, so I wouldn't be the single girl with this crew (they are all in the group and how we all met).

    This BFF and I are sort of "mean" girls sometimes and have made comments about other people to each other at times between ourselves (one of the things we had in common) and maybe she has had a hard time forgetting something I said once about one of the wives she's closer to now.

    Also our husbands (my BFF and mine) are VERY similar yet about 8-10 years apart in age). They are both blue collar guys. Well Mike doesn't like to do a lot of the things he likes to do ( mainly b/c of age) and I think this scares this guy thinking he will end up like him one day. So that is (I think - and I might be wrong) why he doesn't like to hang out with him.

    Also Mike's hours are different than these other guys and he tends to have to work a lot of Saturdays when these other couples are getting together and I have to either go solo or not go so that cramps our style somewhat.

    Another thing is that Mike and my relationship is different in that I get to go out by myself as well as I manage all our money. Mike gets to buy fun stuff when we have surplus and Mike doesn't micromanage what I do with my budget so I can shop and stuff too. This guy doesn't like that and doesn't think his wife should do that or have access to his money and sometimes gets jealous when he sees Mike buying stuff for his truck that he'd like to do. Again, all speculation but comments have been made and conversations have been had leading me to believe some of this stuff. So that is where some of this is from.

    Thanks for your advice though. I'm learning as I go and feel I have grown in my handling of friendships though and trying to be a better person as I go along.
    I think your answers are in there.

    - I still say ... call her on the telephone and/or set up a face to face in person thing. Just a coffee or something.

    - No offense intended with the "wife" comment ... but your explanation of the "differences" is close to what I meant. You have more "freedom" than your BFF and she may have more in common with those other women with whom she can sit around and discuss their deprived status because of their tightwad husbands.
    Sounds like more than a little jealousy is rearing it's head.

    - I am presuming that your Mike is the older one, so whatever the others are doing ... maybe he's been there done that?
    I can sort of relate, because many in my neighborhood are big drinkers. Their purpose for getting together is to eat, smoke, and really drink. That's not our thing ... so they stopped inviting us which is fine. We knowe we can drop by if we really want to ... but we don't. We all know if there is a "neighborhood issue ... we help each other ... no problem and really still consider ourselves friendly neighbors.

    - It sounds to me as if you have resolved the current issue to your satisfaction, but at some point you'll need to consider what the underlying issues are and address them. Sometimes long time BFF's drift apart for whatever reasons.

    - I sounds as if with that meet-up group you have opportunities to connect with some other women with whom you and your SO's share interests and you and BFF can do some things together and stop spinning your wheels with the cycling "widows".
    Last edited by echo226; 08-06-2013 at 01:17 PM.
    "The way to become boring is to say everything." Voltaire

    " The greatness of a nation can be judged by the way its animals are treated. "
    Mohandas Gandhi

  7. #19557
    FORT Fogey Miss Scarlet's Avatar
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    Re: FORT Koffee Klatch

    PGM35, I don't think you making yourself clear is a problem. You seem to be quite clear in how you express yourself. I think your "friend" is just trying to turn the blame back around on you.

    I agree with your idea of going with the flow here and just letting it go. That's what I did with the woman who slighted me. I didn't want the confrontation where it ended in accusations & even more hard feelings. I'm pretty good at looking the other way & just letting things go, but when it comes to confrontations, like you, I just don't back down.

    Hopefully, if this woman is a true friend, this will blow over. The less said may be the better.
    If you never regain back your close relationship, well, you're not out much.
    "Is this Heaven? No, it's Iowa. --Field of Dreams--"

  8. #19558
    Signed, Sealed, Delivered prhoshay's Avatar
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    Re: FORT Koffee Klatch

    I think you should take off your victim's shroud and get on with life. You are wasting some really good energy. Either deal with it, head on, or get on to something else. Life is just too short.

    Maybe 'mean girl' karma is coming back to roost on your doorstep.
    "...each affects the other, and the other affects the next, and the world is full of stories, but the stories are all one." - Mitch Albom, one helluva writer

    When you throw a rock into a pack of dogs, you know which one you hit by the one that yelps!

  9. #19559
    FORT Fogey Debb70's Avatar
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    Re: FORT Koffee Klatch

    It sounds like you have worked out the issue at least for now to satisfy youself. I would try not to put too much energy on making a strong relationship with a lady who may not be that into you. Not that it's your fault, but it happens.

    A few years ago, I had to let go from some good friends. We had a cliche (about 6 ladies) and it was really fun for a few years, but then I had to end my involvement. I won't go into why, except that I got into the the establishment of the cliche with one of my best friends. The other ladies were HER friends and some of their friends. If not for her, I would not have had much in common with these ladies and I would never have picked them as friends to socialize with on my own accord. Fast foward a few years and through a lot of experiences and I knew it was not for me. I held no ill will and wished them well, but I was not in the right place in that cliche anymore.

    On the other hand I work in an office with a friend of mine I have had for 23 years! We do things together at times and other times we don't. There is no need to explain anything, because we are like family. We love from the heart and to my knowledge, there have never been any rough times in the friendship. I feel very fortunate to have friends like that.
    prhoshay likes this.

  10. #19560
    FORT Fan NorwIndian's Avatar
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    Re: FORT Koffee Klatch

    I'm sorry to hear about the problems with your friend. My "best friend" was somebody who had no place to live when I met her and I ended up letting her live with me and helped her out for many years. Her husband gets his contractors license, they start making a lot of money and I'm dumped like stinky garbage in favor of new friends with a lot of money. I can relate to your story.
    It hurt bad, but you know what? It's her loss because I'm a great friend.

    What sticks out the most to me about the friend story is the fact that this woman is in her 40s but still makes a big deal over her birthday! I've never ever planned my own birthday party, that's just obnoxious to me. I haven't had a birthday "party" since I was a kid and wouldn't want one. I don't know any grown women who plan their own birthday stuff.
    It just seems a little weird to me.
    ~You can't buy love. But you can rescue it~

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