FORT Koffee Klatch

[Columbia, MD]

MRD -- I basically agree with queenb. Get something that is within the means of those who wish to participate, do it, and leave the offending party out of the whole thing. Also, most cemeteries offer something called "perpetual care" which you purchase for a flat fee. My folks are buried in CA and I don't think my sister checks on their grave at all, even though she lives close by. After a while a lot of people don't go visit their loved ones due to either pain, distance, or just plain "don't care any more." Hard to believe but true. Do what is in your heart and the hearts of others in your family who care, so you can "sleep at night."

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GUT -- glad your party was a success and everyone enjoyed themselves. Hope you did too, and enjoy the leftovers!!

[MRD]

Well the cousin with the money who's grandmother is without a marker asked me back in August if I had been out there to "visit the relatives" and I did not go. It's quite a distance from where I was living at the time. The relatives that informed me said they've known for 2 years as they do go out there all the time because there is NO perpetual care. The county mows and that's it. They cleaned off overgrowth off some of the other graves while out there.
The reason I'm so ticked is that the grandmother spent a lot of money and made sure her parents, grandparents (my great-grandparents) and siblings were well taken care of and yet no one is doing the same for her.

I'm not so angry that I can't get over it. I just hear from bragging cousin quite a bit and this year's 3 page full color with numerous photos Christmas brag letter was the most pretentious thing I've ever read. If they managed to do all that this year, they could have put a simple marker out there.

When bragging cousin does contact me, she is the one that ALWAYS brings up her grandmother and how much she misses her, loved her, took such great care of her in the end, etc.

I think that it just ticks me off that if it was any of the rest of us, the dead grandmother would make sure we were not buried in an unmarked grave.

And that's basically what it is an unmarked grave.

Now, I have TOTALLY different ideas about funerals and the expense that goes with them. If it were me, I wouldn't care. The ONLY reason I do care and am angry is that the woman that died did care about these things very much.

I'm leaving it in the hands of the local relatives, but next time the bragging cousin mentions the million dollar house (as she does often), I may say "I'm so happy you guys have such a nice place to live, too bad your grandmother doesn't have such a great place to spend eternity."

Sorry my last post was confusing. It is confusing without using names.

Since then, got an email from the local relatives asking me if they started up a collection would I donate and would I give them the address of the granddaughter with money so they could send her a letter telling her they are ashamed that P doesn't have a marker and are taking up a collection to get her one. They are doing this to try to shame her.

I hate that P doesn't have a marker and yes, I am a bit angry about the whole thing because P was one of my favorites. But quite frankly having had some time, I really don't want to be involved in this at all. But I can tell you that if MY mother were alive, the "rich cousin" would have gotten an ear FULL and been shamed into coughing up for her grandmother who coughed up for her for years.

[Gutmutter]

Thanks for the explanation. I agree - give what you can, but don't get involved in "shaming" the other cousin.

The party guests stayed about 3 hours (2:30 until just after 5:30). Three of us drank a bottle of wine my daughter had brought back from Italy. Everyone else drank selzer. Someone brought me a bottle of non-alcoholic wine, but didn't want to drink any herself, so I didn't open it. I don't understand that concept. What is the point of non-alcoholic wine? I dont' know what to do with it.

[Critical]

The party guests stayed about 3 hours (2:30 until just after 5:30). Three of us drank a bottle of wine my daughter had brought back from Italy. Everyone else drank selzer. Someone brought me a bottle of non-alcoholic wine, but didn't want to drink any herself, so I didn't open it. I don't understand that concept. What is the point of non-alcoholic wine? I dont' know what to do with it.

Me neither. Isn't non-alcoholic wine just, well, grape juice?

MRD, ITA with Gut - give what you can and don't worry about trying to shame your cousin. She sounds pretty shameless to me. Plus, she'll eventually learn what you've all done and know that she's been found out. I'd be angry about it too though, especially in light of how much her grandmother cared about that sort of thing. It's pretty disrespectful.

[just1paul]

Gutmutter - The party sounds perfect. A few hours, good friends, conversation, then off we go. Perfect!

[Columbia, MD]

[QUOTE=Critical;4131121;]Me neither. Isn't non-alcoholic wine just, well, grape juice?


Critical -- in my husband's reunion group there are guys who no longer drink alcohol for health or other reasons (recovered alcoholics, etc). We always provide non-alcoholic beer for them. My hubby and I can't drink any more for health reasons, but we enjoy sparkling cider and would probably enjoy non-alcoholic wine. Just my humble opinion............

[Gutmutter]

Ok - I was wondering if it tasted like wine. Sparkling grape juice is delicious.

[MRD]

I am staying out of the cemetary drama. I provided the family members who are upset with the contact info of the shameless cousin and am letting them handle it.

It is disrepsectful. I can't believe that she left her grandmother in an unmarked grave. I mean, really. But, there is not one thing I can do about it now. So I am going to let the in town relatives deal with it. If and when it comes to donating, I will give what I can. I would dearly love to just not be in contact with this cousin at all. But she sends me all kinds of stuff in the mail and by email and went on and on and on and on about my daughter's wedding and where is she registered, etc. Wanted to throw her an engagement party (where she lives, she her family and ours would have been the only ones that could have come), so far, no gift, not that I expect or want one. But I know she's just all talk and no action and after a good nights sleep, I feel bad for my cousin in the unmarked grave, but it's not my business and it doesn't help me to get upset over something I have absolutely no control over.

Thanks all.

Let me just add: Family, good lord, why do we have most of them? Because in my case, the extended family are all just about useless and I have 2 siblings that aren't so hot either. And from what I read and people I talk too, I am not alone. How do we ever find decent friends if it seems like everyone is the nutso member of their own family?

And what is it about the holidays that makes the nuts even nuttier? My stalker is back this week. And a friend of mine now has his kid living with him after the mother (ex) had such a meltdown at the school, the police were called and she was baker acted. Good lord.

[Ellen]

...How do we ever find decent friends if it seems like everyone is the nutso member of their own family? ...

Maybe because with friends, we choose the kind of nutsos with whom we're compatible?

[MRD]

Must be Ellen, but I look at some of my family members and wonder how they ever got friends in the first place as they have them. I guess we all put on a different face to our family than we do to our friends too.

However, I got fooled BIG time with the friend that turned into the stalker. I'm usually a pretty good judge of character, but this one maintained long enough to develop a friendship and then the mask slipped off and the crazy showed.
Have had to have my husband call her and warn her off again and threaten the cops if she doesn't back off.

After seeing my family this past weekend and having a lovely wedding and great time, there were a few incidents with one member that I am choosing to try to forget.

But I swear the holidays does crazy stuff to people. I'm so glad we've been so far away the past 5 Christmases and Thanksgivings so as not to have to deal with any of them.

And speaking of crazy, we just got another one on Sat. The groom's mother called me this morning all upset as she has NOT heard from her son and is worried about him. He's on his HONEYMOON!!!!! Geez, I did not expect to hear from them and I haven't until today when they texted to say they were on their way home. And the handful of times I have spent around her, is enough to know she's another whackjob. My crazy as bedbugs family comfirmed it after they met her on Sat.

I swear I'm joining the Peace Corps and ask to go to the wildest part of Africa where there is NO communication with anyone.

And what I don't get is why me? Why does the entire freaking family come to me with their issues??? I live so far away that there is no way I can do anything about most of it. GAH. Is 11:09 am too early to start drinking?