FORT Koffee Klatch

I used to use the "lay the phone" down technique on my ex-husband when he wanted to call and rant about something or another. You could walk across the room and hear him going on and on...like Charlie Brown's teacher. Instead of getting angry and fighting back with him, I would get tickled and start to laugh! :rofl Eventually, he would "get it" and hang up....forcefully, I'm sure! :lol Putting him on hold would not have been nearly as satisfying! :nod He eventually got over calling me and putting on a show, since I wasn't listening, anyway! Like Janet Jackson's song said....."Control!" :banana

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Originally Posted by buglover;3180937;

My friends all know my weirdness. I have issues leaving the house sometimes, just social anxiety, and they know to call ahead at least a week if they want me to meet them somewhere or I'll freak out and say I'm too busy even if I'm not. My really good friends never hound me about it, they just know it's nothing personal, it's something inside of me. My best friend will call and say, have a glass or two of wine and I'll be there to pick you up in an hour. If you have nothing to wear, we'll stay at your house and have dinner brought in. Most of my semi-friends just get irritated with me and end up not talking to me even after I explain my situation.

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I have the same kind of problem (panic attacks/anxiety/agoraphobia) and have had it for the past several years. Sometimes it is very severe and sometimes not as bad - kind of waxes and wanes. Those very close to me know about it but semi-friends and aquaintances have no idea. Sometimes I wonder if it would be easier on me if I was forthcoming with my issues but I always just put on a happy face and endure the discomfort (which is sometimes extreme). Does it help you to tell people right off the bat that you have social phobia?

I don't know if this is technically an 'etiquette' question or not, but I'm curious if having that out there takes the pressure off or not. I'm a bit of a private person and have a hard time telling people about this issue - I feel they'll label or judge me instead of offering support. ???

onei, I think that's going to depend on the people you're telling. If you tell just anybody about your anxiety, then yes they're going to judge you. But if you tell a friend, or your church group or co-workers, then no, I think they'll be supportive (if they're decent human beings, that is). So I say yes tell people that you are semi-close to, and don't mention it to people you've just met or who are just acquaintances.

Most people who don't suffer from anxiety think it's bull. They really do judge you and look at you differently from that point on. I only tell my good friends and family. Even my boss has no idea how much it usually takes me to get into the car and drive to work. Once I'm on my way, I'm fine but it's the whole getting to the car part that makes my anxiety go rampid.
Mr buglover really never understood the whole thing. He actually thought I just wanted to stay home and wasn't any fun. Eventually he began to see that it really was an issue and not something I had complete control over. My family lives about 100 miles away and honestly it takes everything I have to get into the car and go there. I have scenarios in my head of having an attack at their house with nothing to really help me with it. I found out a few of my family members have suffered the same thing and are meds for it so if it gets really bad, they just give me one of their pills and I'm good for the rest of the day. I don't go to the doctor because regular mds just over prescribe stuff and I have had substance abuse problems in the past. I stay away from having a whole bottle of anything. The majority of the attacks happen when I am at home getting ready to go do something so I talk to myself and tell myself it's all in my head and it helps sometimes.

I feel very safe here at the FORT because we don't judge people for their problems, we truly have an abundance of people who have different issues and can always offer support.

:grouphug

That makes sense. Last month when I started to have a miscarriage I had a panic attack in the ER and the nurses and dr. made me feel like a real a$$. So times like that really keep me from telling a lot of people about it. Only my family and husband really know about it. I've told some friends that I have 'anxiety' but they don't have any idea about the panic attacks or how bad it can get.

Kinda funny, I think I started getting panic attacks from too much stress, but now I get them because I'm worried about having a panic attack (though they do increase when I'm extra stressed). There was a point in my life where I got sick out of the blue (minor stroke) which required heart surgery and then I was planning a move and starting grad school (I was 24) and planning a wedding and my dad died and that's when they started up. It's kind of a vicious circle...and the worst thing about having one for some reason is the potential embarrassment of them. If I feel like I'm going to die, I'm somewhat concerned about dying but mostly concerned about embarrassing myself by dying and ruining someone's party or bringing attention to myself. Sounds weird, but it's true.

I take xanax, which helps me, but I understand what you mean about not wanting to take them regularly because they are addicting. If I absolutely have to be somewhere and am feeling myself start to panic, I will take one and it gets me through it.
Buglover, I applaud you for being able to hold a job! I am self employed but my job has a lot of flexibility and usually if I'm in a bad way I can find a way to get out of working.

Thanks onei0091. I have to have a job because I'm the only one bringing in any money. I have found the less people know about me the less they can use against me should they decide to be mean. My panic attacks started after my daughter died in 93 and then got much worse when my mother was diagnosed with inoperable cancer in 2000. When she passed away I was a zombie for over a year and then it all hit me at once. I just lock myself in my room and try to breathe and tell myself I'm not dying and I am breathing, my body will do it all for me. Usually it helps but late at night when I'm by myself it can get pretty bad. I don't normally ask my husband to help me because I feel like I get pissed off because he's doing it wrong even though there is no right way to do it.

I say don't tell anyone unless they absolutely have to know. Most people don't have manners and will taunt you about it asking all kinds of questions that generally make a panic attack come on.

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Originally Posted by onei0091;3182557;

I have the same kind of problem (panic attacks/anxiety/agoraphobia) and have had it for the past several years. Sometimes it is very severe and sometimes not as bad - kind of waxes and wanes. Those very close to me know about it but semi-friends and aquaintances have no idea. Sometimes I wonder if it would be easier on me if I was forthcoming with my issues but I always just put on a happy face and endure the discomfort (which is sometimes extreme). Does it help you to tell people right off the bat that you have social phobia?

I don't know if this is technically an 'etiquette' question or not, but I'm curious if having that out there takes the pressure off or not. I'm a bit of a private person and have a hard time telling people about this issue - I feel they'll label or judge me instead of offering support. ???

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Some people I've told adn some I haven't. I have found that with the ones I've told, they are very understanding and don't give me a hard time usually if I want to skip something.

I kept my depression/anxiety/fibromyalgia a secret for a long time. Now I find that many others share these problems and it's helped me and then to talk about it. I may not give out all the gory details, but I've found that with most people honesty is the best policy.

Good luck

I'm sorry to hear about your daughter and your mom, Buglover. Seems like these problems come on in times of great stress. I read a book about it and it described personalities that tend to have panic and anxiety, and it described me to a T (tee? how do you spell that kind of t?). Some examples were: high level of creativity, rigid thinking (seeing life as a series of either/or situations), excessive need for approval, extremely high expectations of self, perfectionism, excessive need to be in control (this one's a biggie for me!), suppresion of some or all negative feelings (how it all started for me, I think), tendency to ignore the body's physical needs (skipping meals, etc).

I don't know if any of that rings a bell for you, but it really did for me, and now I really allow myself to feel upset, to cry if I need to, to do some things (if they really aren't 'important) half-a$$ed, to make sure I stop and eat breakfast, lunch and dinner when I'm busy (which I'm still not great at but it helps stave off some panic attacks!). Tomorrow my daughter is having a birthday party and I'm really fighting the urge to have everything be *perfect*...:mmm...it's a struggle. And of course I'm already anxious about it and how it will go and how I will do.

I have to admit that before I had this problem myself I would have not completely understood someone that had this problem. It's one of those things that you can't understand unless you've been through it, I think. I don't think that most people would be cruel about it, but most just wouldn't understand how bad it can get and how hard it is to get through it. That' been my experience anyway. I've only had a few really bad experiences with people - most were medical professionals, ironically. And my mother in law can be really mean so I haven't told any in laws about it either. If it got to her she'd for sure taunt me and start one up. Wait, she does that already. LOL.

It's good to talk about this with someone who experiences the same. My therapist is making me do 'exposure therapy' where I do what makes me anxious over and over until I don't feel the anxiety anymore. Um, it's not working! My anxiety has only gotten worse. I'm not sure how long I should keep trying it, maybe it takes a while before it goes away, but in the meantime it really sucks.

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Originally Posted by myrosiedog;3182625;

Some people I've told adn some I haven't. I have found that with the ones I've told, they are very understanding and don't give me a hard time usually if I want to skip something.

I kept my depression/anxiety/fibromyalgia a secret for a long time. Now I find that many others share these problems and it's helped me and then to talk about it. I may not give out all the gory details, but I've found that with most people honesty is the best policy.

Good luck

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I'm glad you've had good luck with being honest with people. I suppose you have to get a feel for that person and how they might respond before telling them. I'm glad my family knows, they have been pretty cool about helping me out when things get really bad. My mom was nice about it but was really confused as to what exactly was wrong with me until a few weeks ago when she mistakenly bought energy drinks instead of Viatmin Water at the store. She was really thirsty, guzzled one down, and felt like she was going to die for about 6 hours. She said she was ready to go into the ER and basically described to me a panic attack. She must've had a bad reaction to the stimulants in the energy drink. Now she kind of gets where I'm coming from when I feel badly.

My husband is really sweet about it too - I'm very thankful for him. He says no one is perfect, everyone has issues and this one is mine. LOL. I'm really hoping that if I work at it I can get better. I certainly don't want to have this be a life-long thing.

I tend to have coffee only in the mornings and one diet soda in the early afternoon. I quit all stimulating drinks or food around 4pm so that I don't stay up all night (another one of the wonderfull effects of my anxiety) and as long as I can get about 6 hours of sleep in, I'll be ok the next day. If I don't sleep I try not to panic, I just tell myself it's one night, you can handle it, just relax and tomorrow you will sleep good.

(I talk to myself alot can you tell?? :rofl)