Well, not exactly. The jealousy mostly stems from guilt - guilt that you can't always stay home with your child when she's sick, guilt that you can't volunteer for all the class field trips, guilt that you're so tired after putting in an 8 or 9 hour day at the office you can't give your kids 100% for the brief time you have with them...you get the idea. :(
Originally Posted by Lois Lane
I don't think any woman really wants a man to *take care of them*. I don't want that, anyway. I want my husband to be supportive of me and my decisions and to be a willing and engaged parent to our kids.
I've been a SAHM and I've been (and currently am) employed fulltime outside the home. Both are equally demanding but in different ways. If I am being completely honest with myself, I don't think I am cut out to be a fulltime SAHM. (Hey, one more thing to feel guilty about.) In a perfect world, I'd like to be able to quit my job, finish my degree, then have the ability to organize my work hours to be more available for my kids' school and extracurricular activities.
But, it's not a perfect world, so like everyone else, I play the hand I've been dealt. My point to you being, giz, is that you're now in a situation where being a fulltime SAHM may not be feasible any longer. Your world has been turned upside down - instead of trying to turn everything right-side-up again, I think it would be more productive (and emotionally healthy) to simply rearrange things and make it as if you MEANT to turn everything upside down. (God, I sound like I'm drunk...I'm not, I swear. :lol) It sounds like you are interested in the idea of a new challenge, which is awesome. Don't bemoan the loss of your former life - the kiddies will adjust. They may whine a bit at first, but at the end of the day they will be proud of their mom for her ability to cope, and thrive.
Oh, I'm not full time at home anymore. I wish! I work about 12 hours a week (more when I'm teaching cooking), plus I do about 15 hours a week course work (upgrading skills). I'm hoping to get a half time job (20 hours) which would mean I would work about 29 hours a week (as I'd quit my tutoring ESL's).Oh, and as a course requirement I also have to volunteer 3 hours every two weeks.
Sadly, there's a few. :laugh I think you're right for the most part, though. :nod
Originally Posted by AJane
Oh, and coffee shops rule. :teeth
ETA: I just saw this:
That sucks! Is it like that here, too? I don't recall ever hearing it before, either way.
It always burned me up that in Canada you get a tax deduction for putting your kids in daycare, but no tax deduction for raising your own kids.
>>I don't think any woman really wants a man to *take care of them<<
I couldn't disagree with you more. (When reading below, please insert "I think" before any statement I make that may sound inflammatory/stupid.)
It's completely un-PC to admit this...but it's true. And it's not "sad." And furthermore (she's on a roll, folks! Watch out! :lol ), it's kind of condescending to assume that because a woman doesn't want to work outside the home anymore, that she's somehow sold out... Perhaps my choice of the words "take care of" were not the most appropo. It does bring up connotations of a parent taking care of a child and that can have a big ick factor. :lol
Most of my female friends and colleagues have at least a masters degree, have worked all their lives, climbed up the corporate ladder often at the expense of their personal lives, and some would relish the opportunity to get out of the rat race.
I have a good friend who continued working after their baby was born and her husband stayed home full time and let her take care of him (ahem) and their baby financially. There were several reasons they decided to do this: she was on the fast track with her firm and if she took a year or two leave, her position would've been filled by someone else. He had been at his job for a million years and could re-enter his work force when the child was in kindergarten without sacrificing as much pay. His friends thought he was the luckiest guy in the world, not having to work (not that raising a child isn't work--that's got to be the hardest job ever). He loved it. No one thought he was a sell out or a sad case for having his wife bring home the money.
If I decided not to go to work ever again, you can bet I'd be enjoying it. There are so many things to explore and do that you can't when you work full-time.
I get a tax credit for a small percentage of the money I pay the sitter. The more you make the smaller the percentage. It helps greatly when you are a single parent. There should be a deduction for families with stay at home parents, too. I wish I could stay home with my daughters, but being a single parent, that is out of the question. I have always thought I would fit in well in the fifties when the mom mostly stayed home and dad supported the family.
Originally Posted by Stargazer
I count myself lucky with my job. I am able to get off work for things with my daughter. I have volunteered to go on a field trip. 60 Kindergartners and a museum...scary. If I need to, I can take work home to make up for missing work. I think all companies should have policies like this so working parents can be more involved also.
No, Lois, I don't mean it in a politically-correct sense. It's more about self-preservation. I've read a lot of Marilyn French (watch out! "Femi-Nazi" rant ahead!!! ;) ) and part of her message that really stayed with me was that women can be rendered helpless financially by a marriage breakdown. It's cool if you want to and are financially capable of being a SAHM, but there is also an element of danger for women who assume the traditional role without weaving themselves a nice, tight safety net. I'm a firm believer in maintaining at least one separate bank account, having credit cards in my own name, and always staying at least marginally employed during my stints at home in order to keep my skills fresh and my resume current. I love my husband and I would like to believe that our marriage will last forever, but I have been through one divorce already and I know that the best situation can turn bad. The once burned, twice shy syndrome, I guess you can call it. (BTW...Giz, this is not about you at all, it's just general comments.)
It's great that your buddy can be a stay-at-home-dad, but as a man he's in the minority, and his sex doesn't have the history of being the big money losers in divorce cases because he stayed at home to raise the kidlets.
What's *sad* is that women are STILL getting shafted financially because they go the traditional route. Women who take a very militant stance about SAHMs (like the lawyer, who should really know better about geishas :lol) are, in my experience, frightened of getting the short end of the marriage money stick. Women are supposed to be such wonderful communicators, you'd think we could get the messages to each other straight! We can't all be well-educated, high-earning professionals, but neither can we allow ourselves to be lulled by the myth of Prince Charming on his white horse.
I think I'm just lazy. :lol If any one of you fine ladies (and gentlemen) would like to take care of me, I'll be more than happy to let you bring home the bacon AND fry it up in the pan. Me? I'll be laying out at the beach sipping Manhattans and watching "Prison Break" on a super fancy beach-ready Plasma flat screen I'm sure you'll provide for me!
I think what's gotten skewed is what I said originally (which was an observation about a rude remark Giz encountered from a thoughtless friend): "I think a lot of women who feel this way are jealous. They'd like to quit their jobs and have a man take care of them but they can't OR their husbands won't let them."
WANTING to be taken care of and EXPECTING a knight in shining armor are completely different. I want Brad Pitt on occasion, but I don't expect him to show up. (Not tonight anyhow... :lol )
FYI, I probably am in the minority here, but most of the women I know make more money than their husbands. My husband and I have had this conversation as well about who would stay home and care for our not-yet-conceived baby. We both want to be the stay-at-home parental unit and have the other work full-time! ...
OK, I'm going to watch another movie now...Giz, sling me over a virtual coffee will ya? I promise to leave a big virtual tip! xxoo
No, indeed, Lois, not lazy...I thought it would be cat's ass to stay home with kids too (that was BEFORE I had them). :lol
And it would indeed be fine to be a kept woman - you can keep Brad Pitt, though, I'll take Johnny Depp. No pre-nups, though. ;)
It occurred to me while reading your last post, Lois, that Canadians are very fortunate. We get a year-long maternity/parental leave from our jobs (the mother is guaranteed a 17-week maternity leave, and the remainder of the time can be taken by the mother, the father, or split between the two - and we collect 55% of our salary for the entire year). That year is so valuable for several reasons - first and most important, the baby gets to have mom or dad 100% of the time for his/her first year of life, and the parents have the opportunity to determine how finanicially viable it would be to have someone stay at home for a longer period, and if it's feasible career-wise. And, of course, if a parent is up to the task. :) As government benefits go, it's the best EVER.
Maybe I shouldn't mention this, but starting in July 2006, parents of children under 6 are going to receive $100 per month, per child, whether you stay at home or not. We also get a monthly Child Tax Benefit that's calculated depending on family income. And we get to deduct our daycare expenses. Canada is making it very easy to be a parent these days. :lol
giz, just weighing in from the other side of the restaurant industry. In my starving artist days I waitressed in a lot of different places and was appalled by coworkers who felt it was ok to take whatever they wanted - food, supplies, extra tips (in a shared tipping sit.). Don't assume that whoever works for you is on your side or honest.
yeah this pushes my buttons because I have had to defend MY choice to people who's business it is NOT for years. We only had the one child, so even when she went to school, we decided I sould continue to stay home. I did have a home based business from teh time she was in 2nd grade to 5th grade. Then in 6th grade I went back to work for a year and EVERYONE hated it, so my husband begged me to quit and stay home again. I do a LOT aorund this house all day, so I'm not bored when she is in school. And I'm free to do volunteer work which I LOVE and that is so needed some places.
Originally Posted by giz
I have heard so much crap about me staying home that I do get real defensive about it and usually the people that have the most to say about it, say: I wish I could do it. Well its a tradeoff. This one friend had a car, a jeep, a camper, a boat motorcycles, the lastest in electronic equipment, etc. I knew she wasn't making a lot (her husband had the higher paying job) and I told her, well you have to sacrifice to stay at home which she was not willing to do. They wanted ALL the extras
I think some people get so caught up in all the material goods they think they need that they work for that and not just the roof over head/essential bills paid stuff.
Yeah, we've done without a lot of the "fun" stuff. No plasma HD tv here. No yearly vacations (we are fortuante enough to live within driving distance to Disney, so we can shoot up there for a day or an over night and its not too expensive). Heck I don't even have a cell phone (mostly by choice as I HATE them). We drive older cars, shop at the dreaded Wal-mart, etc.
But what it boils down to is that it is MY family's CHOICE. I don't condemn others for their decisions, but a lot of people have not extended me that same courtesy. My daughter who is 15 and in high school wants me home in the afternoons when she gets home from school. As I realize I will lose her soon enough, if she wants me to be here, I will be here. Right now we can afford it. But again, the only luxury bill I have right now is internet and satellite tv. We have no credit card debt, we have a small car payment and otherwise everything else is our living expenses. I would love to buy new furniture. I need a bedroom set and a new living room. But what we have while not chic, is servicable and I can always paint some of it to make it look fresh.
So yes, after 15 years, I have heard so much BS about me staying home I get somewhat defensive. And yes, I know not everyone can do it for a variety of reasons and I don't condemn you for working. It is an INDIVIDUAL choice that each family has to make.
And am I staying home letting my husband take care of me? Not likely, he doesn't make that kind of money. :)
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