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Thread: How Are Your Neighbors?

  1. #561
    FORT Fogey brunette trixie's Avatar
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    Re: How Are Your Neighbors?

    That sucks, mrd. My only suggestion, and it's a poor one, is to "yell" at him every time he comes to your house. If you make yourself really unpleasant he may start avoiding you. I also suggest you wear your Mona giving "the look" shirt to give punctuate your point.

  2. #562
    Best Buddies Gutmutter's Avatar
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    Re: How Are Your Neighbors?

    MRD ,I wish you lived near me - I want to get rid of most of my "library" and don't know where to unload that many books. I think you should get a "Do not disturb" sign that can be removed when you're expecting a delivery. Then when you're in the mood to socialize with him, you can take it down and train him to only come when he doesn't see it. Or make another signal - a big fake flower on the door, or pink flamingo on the lawn - and tell him that that will be your signal that you're busy (or taking a nap), so when he sees it, he needs to leave you alone. Again, make sure that when you or hubby are up to socializing, you take it down, so he has some positive feedback.
    Count your blessings!

  3. #563
    MRD
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    Re: How Are Your Neighbors?

    I took some paperbacks over to him and he had the nerve to tell me he only reads science fiction!!!! I mean, he complains because he only gets one tv channel and the only reading material he has is the dictionary and he didn't like what I took him. I read a lot of mysteries and intrigue, spy stuff, so it's not like I took him bodice ripping romance books.

    He knocked again today and I ignored it, but my husband pulled in from work and talked to him briefly. When hubby came in the house, I was going on about how I wish the neighbor would leave me alone and hubby says: "He just wants your opinion on something." I really started laughing and couldn't stop and my husband wanted to know what was so funny and I said: "I'm not shy about giving my opinions to anyone and here's someone that actually WANTS it and I avoid him."

    I get that he's lonesome and bored and I don't mind the occasional visit, but with him, if you give him an inch he takes a mile and so my strategy has been to avoid him and hopes he gets the message.

    I appreciate all the advice and I am going to try some of it, but quite frankly, I just wish I didn't have to deal with him at all anymore. Thanks for letting me vent about it. It just feels better to complain sometimes.
    Que me amat, amet et canem meum
    (Who loves me will love my dog also)

  4. #564
    Got wings 9/19/2012 buglover's Avatar
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    Re: How Are Your Neighbors?

    Some people will never get it. I'm sorry you have to go through this MRD.
    Yup, with donuts!!

  5. #565
    MRD
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    Re: How Are Your Neighbors?

    Quote Originally Posted by buglover;3493953;
    Some people will never get it. I'm sorry you have to go through this MRD.
    I know and the sad thing is that its the alcohol problem that makes him so annoying. If he was sober, it would be different. And I do feel badly for him.
    His wife committed suicide and he found her. This was years ago and his answer was to completely crawl into a bottle. I feel sorry for him, I really do, but I also know that alcohol isn't the answer either. I think he's trying to kill himself with liquor, I really do. I mean, this guy was once an aeronautical engineer and I've seen photos of he and his wife and kids and from what he told me he owned his own home in CA. I mean, he could be BS-ing me, but I don't think so. So he had a decent life and it was shattered. And I feel like a complete and utter heel for being annoyed by him. But all I did was move in next door and be nice and now I can't get rid of him.

    This is just going to sound so horrible, but.............His problems are not mine and I don't want to be subjected to a drunk who smells bad in my own home.

    I honestly wonder sometimes why alcohol is still legal and other less harmful things are not. I never knew a pothead that was this down and out, but I've sure seen the effects alcoholism takes on people and their families and it's a LOT worse.
    Que me amat, amet et canem meum
    (Who loves me will love my dog also)

  6. #566
    MRD
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    Re: How Are Your Neighbors?

    Let me ask your opinions now that you know his tragic history.

    I don't want to hurt him, but I feel that I need to be brutally honest because nothing else has worked.

    I want to say to him that my mother was an alcoholic (she beat it on her own, god bless her and we went on to have a wonderful relationship, but while she was drinking, we had no relationship) and my brother is a drug addict and it's too painful for me to be around alcoholics. And it is. His behavior is just as aggravating as theirs was and I HAD to live with them and it does bring back painful memories. Mostly I'm just aggravated, but do you think if I tell him that I just can't deal with another addict in my life that it would be hurtful and cruel?

    I enjoy a drink myself. But I seldom drink at home and I often go weeks without drinking at all. I know that I have a choice in my drinking and I honestly don't think at this point he has a choice. I know all the pyschological reasons behind addiction, etc. and I know it's a disease and I know ALL about it. Believe me, I have read books and been in therapy myself dealing with the fallout from being related to addicts. And some people you just can't get through unless you become brutally honest and sometimes then you don't get through to them.

    UGH, I hate this. I feel like a worm, but I also want to be left alone. Is that too much to freaking ask????
    Thanks all for your advice and support.
    Que me amat, amet et canem meum
    (Who loves me will love my dog also)

  7. #567
    Got wings 9/19/2012 buglover's Avatar
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    Re: How Are Your Neighbors?

    MRD, you have no reason to feel bad. He's reaching out but in a very bad way. He's not family or an actual friend so you should feel no need to enable him at all. Let him know that you will not talk with him if he has been drinking and if you are busy, it is no way a reflection of how you feel about his company, you just need your privacy in order to do the things you do. If he doesn't get it, maybe Mr. MRD can let him know in a more aggressive way that you will not put up with him coming over any time he wants. Maybe set one time a week where he can come over and have lunch with you and that is it.
    Yup, with donuts!!

  8. #568
    FORT Fogey Ellen's Avatar
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    Re: How Are Your Neighbors?

    Quote Originally Posted by myrosiedog;3493996;
    . . . I know that I have a choice in my drinking and I honestly don't think at this point he has a choice. I know all the pyschological reasons behind addiction, etc. and I know it's a disease . . .
    Not necessarily -- EVERYONE has a choice. The information on practicalrecovery.com may serve to help you to stop feeling bad about this guy -- and give some insight into another point of view as regards addiction, personal control, and recovery.
    "There's no crying in baseball!"
    -- Tom Hanks, A League of Their Own

  9. #569
    Wait, what? ArchieComic Fan's Avatar
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    Re: How Are Your Neighbors?

    MRD, wow, we have such similar stories especially concerning alcoholic mothers and drug-addicted siblings (sister instead of brother). And I have a neighbor probably very similar to yours except I haven't given him the chance to tell me any of his life stories. My ex-SIL befriended him (she and my BIL lived right next to us) and when she left he thought that I'd be as neighborly as she was although at no time did I ever indicate that I'd be receptive to daily chats.

    I get an odd vibe from him so I try to avoid him but the one time I was friendly apparently opened the floodgates. He's brought over fruit, flowers, and a tomato plant. All nice things, but I don't want to feel obligated to reciprocate or go over to say thank-you since he drops these things off when I'm not home. That sounds terrible actually typing it but I'm not what you'd call the "neighborly" type. I like my own space and don't care to get out and mingle with the neighbors. I'm sure they're all nice people but I just don't seek out that kind of companionship. I'll wave, smile, etc. but heed the "live and let live" motto.

    I didn't rush over to thank him for the tomato plant because I didn't want to encourage him. Then it rained for almost two weeks so that was good reason to stay indoors. I finally saw him when getting the mail and thanked him. I told him I'm not a green thumb so I hope it does okay. He said I can't hurt it. Wrong! It's not doing that great and I do love tomatoes so I'd like it to thrive but I'm just not a good gardener. He has several neighbors to talk to (don't know how they feel about that) and he has a little dog he walks, but I'm sure he's lonely.

    I think in your case, if your husband feels sorry for him, then tell the neighbor that you really value your alone time but that maybe he can stop over when Mr. MRD is home. I'm sure your husband will tire out quick and put the kabosh on his constant visits. But make it clear that just because you are home that does not mean you are available for chit chat. I wouldn't even put up lawn ornaments or signs because if you take them down, it will encourage him, and if you forget to put them up, he'll notice. Just be firm, keep being firm, and tell him you like him and you don't want it to get to where you don't like him, but that you need your privacy. And again, pawn him over to Mr. MRD .

    Just to be clear, I'm not a heartless person. I know people can get lonely, heck I might be in that boat one day myself, but I also know about boundaries and will respect them if someone tells me I'm crossing them. In fact, many moons ago when I was younger, I befriended a lady older than me and I went over for morning coffee after our kids went to school. But I did start going over a bit too much and she politely found excuses for me not to be there this day or that day. I finally got the hint and being young, did get my feelings hurt, but I eventually matured and understood about people needing their quiet time. I'm mostly embarrassed that I didn't realize what I was doing while I was doing it.

    Being lonely or depressed or starved for conversation doesn't give a person the greenlight to become a pest. Unfortunately most people in that situation would rather have any attention, even if it's negative.

    A lot of churches will provide pick-up service. Maybe he can get involved with a church and meet some people and even get some support for his alcohol problem. Do you know of a church that does that and maybe make a friendly call or two to see if they will visit him? Or is that overstepping? Maybe you can suggest the idea to him. And what about bus service? Is there a stop near your home that he can take advantage of so that he can get out and about? Do you have a bike you could donate to him? Just some ideas to get him out of the neighborhood for a few hours a day...
    Have you done your Green deed for the day?

  10. #570
    MRD
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    Re: How Are Your Neighbors?

    Quote Originally Posted by Ellen;3494213;
    Not necessarily -- EVERYONE has a choice. The information on practicalrecovery.com may serve to help you to stop feeling bad about this guy -- and give some insight into another point of view as regards addiction, personal control, and recovery.
    I know not everyone has a choice, that's why I said I didn't think his was a choice.
    I'm well versed in addiction, personal control and recovery. I lived with addicts for years and then dealt with family members that were addicts for years after that. In my brother's case, it's not a choice.

    I've read quite a bit about it already. But this guy is not family, he's not even a friend and I dont' want to deal with his problems, nor do any more reading about addiction, etc., because I don't want too. That's why I'm so upset with this guy. I put all this behind me years ago and now it's back in my life and I DO have a choice about it this time and I choose not to have it in my life.

    Archie, thank you so much for sharing and no, I don't think you are being heartless at all and after a night's sleep, I don't think I am as well.
    He is a recluse except for me and one other guy in the neighborhood that "takes" care of him. This guy buys him liquor and does errands for him in exchange for money and a place to stay occasionally. He wouldn't go to a church or take the bus, (and there are no bus stops near us) etc., because he is pretty much reclusive and drunk. Back when we first moved here, I offered to drive him to the library and that's when he told me he doesn't go anywhere. He's been fosted off on his SIL by his kids in California and even his SIL has taken advantage of him, but she does make sure the bills are paid. he has a roof over his head, etc. He has apparantly alienated everyone in his life. It's sad, but on the other hand, I can't save the world either.

    And I did give him a chance to tell me his life story and I see now that I opened up the gates when I was nice in the beginning.
    My husband does talk to him, so I'm going to let my husband deal with it and if I do see him and can't get away from it. (I practically run to my car now. I've never gotten in or out of my car so fast in my life), I'm going to tell him that I can't deal with it because it's too painful for me and let the chips fall where they may.
    Last edited by MRD; 06-11-2009 at 08:28 AM.
    Que me amat, amet et canem meum
    (Who loves me will love my dog also)

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