+ Reply to Thread
Page 50 of 96 FirstFirst ... 404142434445464748495051525354555657585960 ... LastLast
Results 491 to 500 of 952
Like Tree121Likes

Thread: How Are Your Neighbors?

  1. #491
    FORT Fogey famita's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2004
    Posts
    3,756

    Re: How Are Your Neighbors?

    I think that happened when parents "weren't allowed" to spank. I'm one of those who did. I only spanked as old as they were (ie, 3 for a three year old, 5 for a five year old) and explained why and told them that I loved them afterward. It worked really well until they got to be over twenty. Ok, I'm joking on the age thing. I didn't spank (or didn't have to spank) after they were in the sixth grade. I'd ground them from the wonderful nintendo or tv. That worked the best at that age. And everyday I count my blessing that I didn't have to deal with drug problems. A few of my friends are dealing with that now, and I truly don't know what I'd do.

  2. #492
    Got wings 9/19/2012 buglover's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2004
    Location
    CA
    Age
    40
    Posts
    13,195

    Re: How Are Your Neighbors?

    Most of my friends have had to deal with drugs and their kids at one point or another. I too feel blessed I've never had to deal with major problems with my son. The worst thing he does is not turn in homework or not do chores. I have neighbors who are already dealing with punching and kicking in their little ones. It's sad.
    Yup, with donuts!!

  3. #493
    MRD
    MRD is offline
    FORT Fogey MRD's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2005
    Location
    somewhere resting
    Age
    52
    Posts
    16,893

    Re: How Are Your Neighbors?

    It is sad that parents seem to have no control. I am fortunate too that I haven't had to deal with drug or alcohol problems. The biggest problem I deal with now is attitude.
    But I never allowed my daughter to misbehave in public and she also got spankings. She was and still is a well behaved child except around me in our home. But out in public, she is a pleasure to be around.

    I've told my daughter "you are NOT my friend, you are my child and it's my responsibility to teach you to behave and be responsible." Ok, the responsibility thing hasn't always worked out, but more and more she is becoming more responsible. But I think today too many parents want to be their child's friend.

    I explicity gave a seminar on sales training once and I remember telling the trainees that you will hear "no". I then asked how many of them were parents. Most raised their hands and I said: "so, you've all heard no about a million times from your kids and it hasn't killed you yet, so hearing it from a customer is no different. Don't be afraid of the no".
    That got a lot of laughter. But it's true. Saying no doesn't kill anyone. But saying no to your child and meaning it can mean the difference in potentially dangerous situations that they may encounter.

    It's our responsibility to teach them to be responsible, self-sufficient members of society. You don't do them any favors if at 18, they can't hold a job, have to have everything done for them, have no sense of responsibilty or work ethic or morals and values.
    Being a parent is hard work and too many people seem to be lazy parents. God knows there were times I wanted to opt out the easy way, and I know I did sometimes, but I also figured that this was THE MOST IMPORTANT thing I would EVER do. More important than any career. I always heard "raised right" from my parents and their contemporaries and I still use that phrase. I was "raised right" and I think I did the same for my daughter.
    And god knows there are many ways to raise a child "right". But you have GOT to have consistant discipline and you have got to stay on top of them. Always.
    Que me amat, amet et canem meum
    (Who loves me will love my dog also)

  4. #494
    FORT Fogey Ellen's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2003
    Posts
    6,078

    Re: How Are Your Neighbors?

    Quote Originally Posted by myrosiedog;3013377;
    I'm with you guys. I love hearing kids play. But when they start screaming is when it gets to me. I don't care if they're loud, just don't scream.
    I don't mind the playing. I can put up with loud for a while, up to a point. But definitely not screaming. Hey, there's a reason I'm childfree by choice!

    There are some 50+ adult only apartment complexes in San Diego that don't allow children as residents; unfortunately, they *do* allow visiting grandchildren. And the grandparents have eve less control than the parents, so those complexes aren't much quieter than mine.
    Last edited by Ellen; 05-22-2008 at 01:24 AM.
    "There's no crying in baseball!"
    -- Tom Hanks, A League of Their Own

  5. #495
    Crazy Shutterbug Harmony2000's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    Posts
    4,163

    Re: How Are Your Neighbors?

    One of my neighbors (love her dearly BUT....) has an alcoholic boyfriend. He has managed to alienate pretty much all her neighbors in our entire subdivision (we are out in the country and are a fairly close knit group of about 50 houses) and her three grown sons and two grown daughters. Basically I'm the only one still talking to her because I refuse to turn my back on her but even I'm reaching the end of my limit.

    Today on the way to work two patrol cars pulled up and I sighed rather heavily. She and the drunk had another of their infamous fights, he destroyed her kitchen and took off running down the road. She called the police and me (because again nobody else will talk to her...something about tough love) and I spent most of my morning listening to her crying and telling the police how awful he is and how he won't help with the bills. Blah blah blah. Thing is? Next week he will be right back in that house and we will be doing this all over again. The officer told her that they are getting tired of responding to domestics from her and that if she keeps letting him back in the house there is nothing they can do.

    So that was my early morning drama, I don't want to turn my back on her like everybody else has but man.....this is getting really old because its all pointless, he will be back next weekend until the next drunken blow up.

  6. #496
    That's all folks! Unklescott's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2003
    Location
    Dublin, OH
    Posts
    26,558

    Re: How Are Your Neighbors?

    God love you for being there for her but, and yeah there is a but, maybe it's time to turn your back on her. It's like the alcoholic/drug user that has an an enabler. As long as she has someone there for her it's okay in her book to put up with it. I was an enabler for a cocaine user once and didn't even realize it.

    How To Stop Being an Enabler | eHow.com

    An enabler is a person who tries at all costs to soften someone else's blows and takes on the responsibility for someone else's actions and attempts to minimize the problems of another, usually a loved one. This is quite frequent when addiction of any type is involved. If you are the nurturing type, than you are far more likely to get caught in a cycle on enabling. Just remember that you are doing more harm than good with all your help.

    Step1
    Stop doing anything that allows this person to continue on with his current lifestyle. This includes lying or covering up for him in any way.
    Step2
    Stop taking on this person's responsibilities and claiming part in her actions. She needs to learn to be responsible for her own actions.
    Step3
    Tell this person you are finished enabling him and that you have set clearly defined boundaries that you are not willing to cross.
    Step4
    Do not react to anything that this person has to say regarding her problem. From such a subjective point of view, she won't understand that a problem exists.
    Step5
    Stop giving this person money, loaning him money, lying for him or calling into his job for him. At some point, there will be a reckoning for his lack of accountability, and by aiding in his bad habits now, you are hurting him in the future.

    Tips & Warnings

    * This can be very difficult and trying to say the least but you are only helping this person and also helping yourself.
    * Have a support line through a friend or other person that you can rely on and talk to.
    * Do not go back on your word or you will not be taken seriously by this person again. Stand your ground and be firm

  7. #497
    Trouble in my life just1paul's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2004
    Location
    In Ms. Troubles life and apartment
    Age
    56
    Posts
    9,544

    Re: How Are Your Neighbors?

    Quote Originally Posted by Unklescott;3016070;
    God love you for being there for her but, and yeah there is a but, maybe it's time to turn your back on her. It's like the alcoholic/drug user that has an an enabler. As long as she has someone there for her it's okay in her book to put up with it. I was an enabler for a cocaine user once and didn't even realize it.
    Harmony2000 - I can only add - it is time for you to say "That's too bad" and walk away. I was in a similar situation for seven years where I was enabling the drunky roomie and finally I, (like your neighbor should) walked away - took Mona and Joey and moved. that was 11 years ago and I've never looked back.
    Last edited by just1paul; 05-22-2008 at 08:11 AM.
    - The Dean Martin Show -

    Petula Clark: You know they say you can't buy happiness.
    Dean Martin: No but you can pour it..

  8. #498
    MRD
    MRD is offline
    FORT Fogey MRD's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2005
    Location
    somewhere resting
    Age
    52
    Posts
    16,893

    Re: How Are Your Neighbors?

    Harmony,

    You have been a good friend, but I can tell you from my personal experience that you cannot help someone who WON'T help themselves.

    Maybe you finally telling her that you can't take the drama anymore will make her realize that because of the drunk she has NO more friends and will finally do something. But probably not. If she's alienated her own children, then I doubt much is going to happen to make her change her mind.

    It's a shame that some women continue to put themselves in your friend's position with a man like that. But there really is NOTHING you can do and it's perfectly ok to have had enough and tell her so.

    Some people you can talk too until you're blue in the face and they go right back to doing what they always did. It's not your fault and you shouldn't have to put up with picking up the pieces everytime either.
    Que me amat, amet et canem meum
    (Who loves me will love my dog also)

  9. #499
    Crazy Shutterbug Harmony2000's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    Posts
    4,163

    Re: How Are Your Neighbors?

    I know you guys are right, it's just hard because I have a big ol' soft heart and truly feel sorry for her. I know she puts up with this because she thinks she can't get better and she's lonely and I just hate adding to her pain.

    I'm going to tell her today when I get off work that I'd rather not be involved in this drama anymore because I do have a 5 year old I need to consider. (between us and the internet lol....I'd rather he not see this and think this is an acceptable relationship between a man and a woman...I try very hard to show him and not just tell him how people should behave around each other and what sorts of relationships are acceptable...respect, loving, and all that) But after today and the way he got so upset because she was upset? I've realized that it is affecting him too and it has to stop.

    Now to just be hard enough to actually do it next time she shows up crying or I see the police at her door.

    It's interesting how many of us have been in similiar situations and it also sort of warms the heart that most of us are truly nice people deep down inside and truly try to help each other until we realize that it's not helping but it comes from a good place. Does that make sense?

    Sorry for the sappiness stayed up way past my bed time (dang AI!) and now I'm functioning on caffeine and all moody because of it lol.

  10. #500
    MRD
    MRD is offline
    FORT Fogey MRD's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2005
    Location
    somewhere resting
    Age
    52
    Posts
    16,893

    Re: How Are Your Neighbors?

    Quote Originally Posted by Harmony2000;3016108;
    I know you guys are right, it's just hard because I have a big ol' soft heart and truly feel sorry for her. I know she puts up with this because she thinks she can't get better and she's lonely and I just hate adding to her pain.

    I'm going to tell her today when I get off work that I'd rather not be involved in this drama anymore because I do have a 5 year old I need to consider. (between us and the internet lol....I'd rather he not see this and think this is an acceptable relationship between a man and a woman...I try very hard to show him and not just tell him how people should behave around each other and what sorts of relationships are acceptable...respect, loving, and all that) But after today and the way he got so upset because she was upset? I've realized that it is affecting him too and it has to stop.

    Now to just be hard enough to actually do it next time she shows up crying or I see the police at her door.

    It's interesting how many of us have been in similiar situations and it also sort of warms the heart that most of us are truly nice people deep down inside and truly try to help each other until we realize that it's not helping but it comes from a good place. Does that make sense?

    Sorry for the sappiness stayed up way past my bed time (dang AI!) and now I'm functioning on caffeine and all moody because of it lol.

    Harmony,
    I know exactly how you feel. I have a big ole' soft heart too, but you just wrote the most compelling argument for why you can't support her anymore. Your 5 year old. And you are very right, you need to protect him and if it upsets him because of her problems, you as his mom, need to protect him from that. And what you are doing is fabulous, showing him how people SHOULD treat other people. This too can be a learning example for him as to how NOT to treat other people. But you are right in thinking of him and if she gets upset about it, then too bad. Your first priority is to your child and if she has such low self esteem to think that this is the best she can get, then maybe you can suggest counseling, etc. There are MANY organizations that help women in her position. Some at low or no cost with counseling, etc.

    And quite frankly, I would be worried about the drunk coming back and finding her at your house and then doing something there. He may not be that bad, but you never know.

    I say protect yourself and your child. You've tried and I find that commendable, but you cannot help her if she won't help herself, so you need to get a little selfish mama bear thing going and protect you and your cub.

    And it is hard to tell a friend that you can't do this anymore. I'll be the first to say it's hard to do, but honestly, it probably will be better for her and for your son. You mentioned tough love and sometimes that's how it has to be.

    Tell her that you like her immensely, but its too upsetting for you and your son to see her go through this so often and if and when she gets rid of the drunk, you'd be more than happy to be there for her, but until then, it's not something you can do anymore.

    Good luck. I'm sorry you have to go through this. It sucks all the way around.
    But that's what happens with alcoholics, they affect not just themselves, but a lot of people. Like when you throw a rock in a pond and the waves ripple outward.
    Que me amat, amet et canem meum
    (Who loves me will love my dog also)

+ Reply to Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts

SEO by vBSEO 3.6.0 ©2011, Crawlability, Inc.