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Thread: Relationship Challenged

  1. #981
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    Giz,

    What is HIS idea if a hotel or house sitting is not a good idea to him? Do you have relatives or a close friend that he can stay with?
    A Bachelor fan til it dies a slow death and oddly enough, A Rock of Love fan...finest hair extensions from Europe and all. ;-)

  2. #982
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    Quote Originally Posted by JAFO'S PRINCESS View Post
    They must've made 1 perfect jerk and then cloned him!
    That must be the first time I've laughed (apart from with the kids) in a week! nlmcp, your husband is eerily like mine. (and apparently Jafo's P. as well). Mine does work (sometimes quite a lot, and sometimes the bare minimum), but he does no yard work (once a year he goes mad and does it), no housework (most of the time won't even put his cups in the dishwasher), not a lot with the kids. Sometimes he summons up the energy to do something with them (and now he knows he's going to get his "breathing space" he's all of a sudden interested), but mostly he falls asleep when he's supposed to be in charge of them, fiddles around with his fish tanks, or plays computer games while they say "do something with me, dad!". Needless to say they are thrilled to bits when he does bother. Recently he started coaching our son's soccer team though, so that's good. But yeah, the whole The Reason My Life is Miserable is Because You Just Can't Do Anything Right is exactly what I've got going on here. You'd think I'd be glad to get rid of him, (and in time I'm sure I will be), but at the moment I'm grieving the loss of what could have been and what the kids will experience.

    He went to look at apartments last night, and said they were all "dumps". I asked how much, and when he told me I said I'd seen what sounded like nice places (in the newspaper) for at least $100 less. He said "I'm not living in a dump!". Which really annoyed me, as we don't have the money for the kind of luxury bachelor pad he seems to have in mind (and there are no "dumps" in this part of town). We don't have anyone he could stay with, and I think he wants to be Very Alone anyway. If he was being reasonable he'd see that at least looking at house-sitting would be ideal, but when an idea's mine he always dismisses it.

    I hadn't thought about the dating thing leading to me being at fault. I don't know that I'm ready anyway, as I'm unfortunetly not too trusting right now. I noticed how the media kept writing the Jennifer Aniston story as "she gets rescued by the nice guy" and I thought of getting t-shirts printed saying "Vince Vaughn does not exist". I will see a lawyer, and see if I can get some numbers, get the lay of the land etc. Thanks guys.
    Last edited by giz; 12-06-2005 at 12:57 PM.

  3. #983
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    Giz:

    As hard as all this is for you right now, it is smart to prepare for the worst and be advised on all of your options.

    May I also recommend the book "Divorce for Dummies" or the Idiots Guide to Divorce (whichever one the orange one is)...(used online at Amazon or from a library)...it goes through easy checkpoints of what to do to prepare (emotionally, financially, how to check out attorneys and even tips for handling the kids from telling them to visitation issues, etc.).

    Also, another thought...are there any local support groups that offer divorce/grief recovery in your area? Sometimes churches or non-profits offer these...you might consider looking into this as they can be wonderful sources of information and it helps to realize that you are not alone.
    A Bachelor fan til it dies a slow death and oddly enough, A Rock of Love fan...finest hair extensions from Europe and all. ;-)

  4. #984
    FORT Fanatic getreal's Avatar
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    Giz, I'm coming into this pretty late, but have been reading some of the background. Sorry you are going through all of this, and it sounds like you are getting some great support here.

    I was just wondering how long you have been together? About how old are you both? Was the marriage a long-anticipated and planned event, or did it come together pretty quickly? Sometimes people can feel trapped by a short relationship and quick pregnancy, which leads to resentment and depression and isolation -- which seem to be behaviors your guy is manifesting.

    Please take no offense in my questions. You don't have to answer anything you're not comfortable in revealing. I'm just drawing on some of my psychology background.

    I hadn't noticed anybody suggest seeing a marriage counsellor -- just lawyers.

    You have my best wishes ...

  5. #985
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    I think Giz may have mentioned a ways upthread that her husband didn't care to see a counsellor...you have a point, though, getreal.

    However - right or wrong, I always maintain the kids have to come first. Husbands and wives are adults and can look after themselves. Consulting a lawyer is the best way to ensure the kiddies will have a roof over their heads and food on the table.
    All my life, I have felt destiny tugging at my sleeve.~ Thursday Next
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  6. #986
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    No offence taken! We'd been an item for 7 years off and on (different continents, young and not ready to commit, but ready to ... ) when we married. We'd been married for 3 years when we had out first child, so it wasn't shotgun! Conversely my brother married a woman he'd met in a bar, she got pregnant, 12 years later they are as happy as clams. Life's a lottery!

    With my husband, and frankly we're not talking rational here, I have to sort of put an idea on a plate in a corner of the room and see if he has a nibble. You can't outright suggest something might be a good idea because then it would be "controlling" him. So I've said in a very neutral voice that it seems like a lot for him to take on (fixing his own problems) and that a counsellor might possibly maybe an idea to consider. I'll have to wait and see if he bites.

    I will see a lawyer, but another concern is that if he gets his back up he might decline to work full-time, and then there wouldn't be much wages to garnish. When he's being really stroppy, I wouldn't put it past him.
    Last edited by giz; 12-06-2005 at 03:25 PM.

  7. #987
    FORT Fanatic getreal's Avatar
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    Thanks for filling in some of the blanks, Giz.

    It sounds like he has some unresolved issues from his past which are creeping into your marriage, and he would really benefit from some counselling/therapy. But in order for that to work, he needs to recognize and acknowledge this.

    I guess this is where marriage vows about "through good times and bad times" really get tested. You seem to have a really good head on your shoulders, and he obviously doesn't realize how lucky he is to have you.

  8. #988
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    Quote Originally Posted by getreal View Post
    You seem to have a really good head on your shoulders, and he obviously doesn't realize how lucky he is to have you.
    I'll second that. I may not have any good advice but I think you will do fine in the end.

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    Quote Originally Posted by JenniferInCO
    Okay, someone PM'd me to ask about the co-worker situation so I figured I would give an update. I am still working up the nerve. I have myself convinced he MUST be interested and then something happens to convince me he is NOT. I know- JUST DO IT. He comes by quite a bit to respond to questions a phone call or e-mail would have worked for. He works at the far end of a different floor and most of the time he goes right back downstairs after talking to me, so it is not like he "just happens" to be walking by. Another co-worker knows about the situation, so I am thinking of asking him to do a little sleuthing for me... Something is going to happen soon, I just know it. I just don't know if it will be good or bad.
    Well, I know that others have bigger problems right now, but just thought I would give a quick update. I quit my job some time ago, the other coworker I mentioned in the above post told me a couple days ago that he told theloveofmylife that I liked him. This was a couple weeks ago. His response indicated that he had figured it out and if he's known for a couple weeks now it's time to face facts.

    Anyway, giz, I don't have any words of wisdom. I have been following your saga, but have felt helpless to post anything. I just want to say that you have another friend here who is hurting with you. I can only imagine what you are going through.

  10. #990
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    Quote Originally Posted by JenniferInCO View Post
    ...His response indicated that he had figured it out and if he's known for a couple weeks now it's time to face facts.

    ...Anyway, giz, I don't have any words of wisdom. I have been following your saga, but have felt helpless to post anything. I just want to say that you have another friend here who is hurting with you.
    Jennifer, I know it won't seem like much consolation right now--believe me, I know--but what seems like your world crashing down around you right now will seem like so much-ado about nothing, given time enough.

    Go out, do the things you enjoy, make some new friends, see friends and family with whom you've lost touch. Learn new things. Read. Listen to music you like. Go to the movies. Treat yourself. Take care of yourself. Be kind to yourself. Be kind to others. Adopt a new pet. Take it for walks. Take walks, period. Take a vacation. Go to work. Go to sleep and get up at a normal time. Avoid him.

    And, before long, when you least expect it--the very moment you least expect it, as a matter of fact--you'll meet someone completely different who will take your breath away all over again, in a different, much healthier way. I promise you. Until then, this is for you:

    giz, what can I say, luv? I haven't been through what you're going through, but be assured that my heart, my thoughts, go out to you, and I know I'm not alone. Take care of yourself.
    "...Every life is a pile of good things and bad things. The good things donít always soften the bad things, but...the bad things donít always spoil the good things." - The Doctor

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