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Thread: Relationship Challenged

  1. #971
    RESIDENT JEDI MASTER Stargazer's Avatar
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    Giz, I don't really have any advice as far as your relationship goes, but I do have some advice about living arrangements if he's determined to do this (and you're determined to let him). If he gets an apartment, there will be a lease to sign, deposits to pay, utilities to pay, living essentials, etc. If he thinks all he needs is a few months, then getting an apartment could be a mistake. He could get locked into a 6 month or year long lease.

    Something that might make more sense is to call around to some extended-stay hotels or just regular hotels in your area and get some pricing for a two month (or whatever) long stay. The price might seem steep at first, but make sure you factor in all the additional expenses you would incur if he got an apartment. It might make more sense financially, especially if its going to be short-term, to go with the hotel. He'd have all of his utilities included, cable, and even some housekeeping. If a few months isn't long enough for him to make a decision, you'll probably want to look into more permanent options anyway.
    "Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter."- Yoda

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  2. #972
    FORT Fogey PGM35's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Stargazer View Post
    Something that might make more sense is to call around to some extended-stay hotels or just regular hotels in your area and get some pricing for a two month (or whatever) long stay. The price might seem steep at first, but make sure you factor in all the additional expenses you would incur if he got an apartment. It might make more sense financially, especially if its going to be short-term, to go with the hotel. He'd have all of his utilities included, cable, and even some housekeeping. If a few months isn't long enough for him to make a decision, you'll probably want to look into more permanent options anyway.
    This makes sense. I just remembered that my brother did this to his less than 2 years of marriage 2nd wife. I won't go into all of those problems but he decided to move out temporarily and got locked into paying a 6 month lease. When he decided to move back home, he was responsible until a sublessee was found. If they hadn't found someone to take over the lease, he would have had to still pay for it.

  3. #973
    RESIDENT JEDI MASTER Stargazer's Avatar
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    That's just the sort of thing I was thinking about, PGM. The longer you stay at a extended stay hotel, usually the cheaper it can be. Regular hotels sometimes offer extended stay rates, too. If he stays at least a month, he could get a rate as low as $25-$30/night (US) in some places.
    Last edited by Stargazer; 12-05-2005 at 07:31 PM.
    "Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter."- Yoda

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  4. #974
    Who Dat lildago's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by giz View Post
    It's so great having you guys here for me. There are reasons I'd rather not discuss it with people here - embarassment being right up there. Also my bestest friend (since we were three) has two brothers. The brothers are best mates with my brother. My best friend has loose lips. So it would spread like wildfire.
    I understand that there may be some embarrassment but when he moves out, you're going to need some support. Confide in someone close to you. Don't try to shoulder it alone. Word is bound to get out anyway once he's gone.

    Be careful that you don't become a revolving door for him. He needs to be clear that he can't pop in and out of your home and upend your lives again and again. Visiting your children is one thing but I think it would be especially hard for them to get their hopes up thinking he's home to stay only to be disappointed. It would also be emotionally draining for you!
    Getting lost will help you find yourself.

  5. #975
    giz
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    FORT Fogey giz's Avatar
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    He wants to stay in the neighbourhood, and there's no hotels anywhere nearby. I've suggested he think about a house-sitting thing, but he's refused. I can't make him. I also can't make him stay, and I wouldn't want to. If he doesn't want me, he can get stuffed. The hotel idea would work great, but he wants to stay nearer the kids. Hopefully he won't get locked into a long lease (unless that's what he wants). Another reason I thought a house-sitting would work; utilities paid, furniture already there, short-term til he works out his long-term. But it's my idea, so in his mind, it must be crap. I truly appreciate the idea though. Bring 'em on, cause goodness knows I don't know how to do this ending a marriage stuff!

    As for his revolving door idea; I told him that I might not take him back if he changed his mind, and he said (sort of sadly) that he knew that. (Risk he's willing to take apparently). He also said he knows that I might meet someone else, and that people are always telling him that I'm too good-looking for him (not that I agree with that At All!). That must be really good for his self-esteem. Probably his next female will be without kids, a social-drinker life-of-the-party type and a little plain.

    I'm in a wierd space now where I feel I want to prove to him that I have a life too, and to that end am going out tonight when I'd much rather stay at home and watch tv! If I stay here though, he will likely go out, and that annoys me so I'm circumventing him. Lord, crazyness. Hopefully my acting out will be very short-lived. I don't think I've got the stamina for it.

  6. #976
    Premium Member canuckinchile's Avatar
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    Giz, I'm really sorry for what you are going through. Take care of yourself and your kids first. As for not going to a lawyer because you are afraid you may not get as much as he has offered you at this point....talk is cheap and it is better to have it in writing. If he is emotionally unstable, moody etc., he will change his mind like the wind.

    Again, I am truly sad that you have to be going through all this, especially so close to Christmas. Hugs.

  7. #977
    Trouble in my life just1paul's Avatar
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    giz - all I can add is get a lawyer, get a lawyer, get a lawyer.
    - The Dean Martin Show -

    Petula Clark: You know they say you can't buy happiness.
    Dean Martin: No but you can pour it..

  8. #978
    FORT Fogey snoopy's Avatar
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    Giz, you seem like an amazingly astute, kind, intuitive soul. He may have some good things about him, but it sounds like none of them work for you. I don't know the whole story, but I can tell you that you are probably giving more energy into this than he is. Shut a door, and a window WILL open for you!(I have been there - I wish I would have slammed a couple of doors earlier!)
    Go Tigers!

  9. #979
    An innocent bystander nlmcp's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by giz View Post
    , I've been the bad guy for a long time. He tried it again last week, when he made his big announcement, but now he seems to have come round to the idea that when he's depressed he's hypercritical and "bullying". It's a little late, but at least he can take some responsibility at last. He is extremely emotionally manipulative, he's exhausting. If only I'd cook chicken properly, or clean out the cupboards more often, or share a hobby with him, or go out with him more then everything would be fine. (I should have more of an effort to spend time alone with him, he's right about that. But the booking of babysitters was always up to me, and I wanted him to do it sometimes. Cut off nose, spite face).
    And you're all right, I do need to get a little more selfish and self-determined. It's going to be hard to break some long-standing habits though!
    OMG Giz, I didn't realise my ex had a brother.
    Seriously, my ex would pull that on me all the time. There was always a reason for his depression and amazingly enough it was always me. I didn't clean right, I didn't cook right, I wasn't independent enough, I was too independent, I wasn't friendly enough but I was too talkative. Lets face it, he was a bottomless pit of need due to his depression and I couldn't begin to fill it, but instead of blaming the depression he blamed me. When he was feeling good, our marriage was good and we got along. When he was depressed (and that was more and more as our marriage went along) I was always to blame for something. For me the kicker came when he told me he wanted a divorce (which he asked for on a regular basis when depressed when he wasn't thinking about killing himself) this time it hit me hard (I was used to saying 'go ahead, divorce me' at that point) He told me he wanted a divorce because, even though he hadn't worked for 18 months and he wasn't doing housework or yardwork, I was working 2 jobs and had been for about 17 months, plus doing the housework and yard work and spending time with the kids because he was doing the bare minium with them, his reasoning for saying he wanted a divorce was because I wasn't doing enough for him. When I pointed out he needed to do more around the house and get a job if I was to have time do something for him, he told me he would do more when I could prove I could keep the house up to his standerd. I told him that was impossible and to please divorce me. That lasted about 2 hours, he then told me he changed his mind. I set some conditions, he met a couple. But frankly that started the chain reaction that lead to me filing about 15 months later.

    Talk to an attorney. My concern for you is several fold. 1. Money. 2. Clarification of his responbilities in other ways toward you and the children. 3. Your rights in all of this. With you mentioning possible dating, I would check. I would hate to have him move out, you go on a couple dates thinking it's ok to find out all of the sudden you have given him grounds to file for divorce with you as the guilty party because you went out while still "legally married". Divorce laws are so difficult and weird and seperation laws are even weirder.
    I could go east, I could go west, it was all up to me to decide. Just then I saw a young hawk flyin' and my soul began to rise. ~Bob Seger

  10. #980
    Here's your sign JAFO'S PRINCESS's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by nlmcp View Post
    OMG Giz, I didn't realise my ex had a brother.

    I was thinking the same thing!! They must've made 1 perfect jerk and then cloned him!

    I would talk to a lawyer and at least didcuss your options and try to get the support agreement in writing! That will make it harder to renig.
    I might as well work. I'm in a bad mood anyway.
    "I like to base my help on how happy you expect to be." Dogbert's tech support.

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