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Thread: Relationship Challenged

  1. #961
    giz
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    Short version: because he's bossier. Also if he's determined to go, it may be the only way we could stay in our house/neighbourhood.

    It's so great having you guys here for me. There are reasons I'd rather not discuss it with people here - embarassment being right up there. Also my bestest friend (since we were three) has two brothers. The brothers are best mates with my brother. My best friend has loose lips. So it would spread like wildfire.

  2. #962
    Come Along, Pond phat32's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lonelyguy82
    I'm learning this a lot is that not everything is cut and dried and that nobody isn't really perfect.
    Amen to all that.

    Stuff like this can happen to any of us. Very interesting!
    You wouldn't believe some of the stories that people have. Oh, real life really is stranger than fiction sometimes, my friend.
    "...Every life is a pile of good things and bad things. The good things donít always soften the bad things, but...the bad things donít always spoil the good things." - The Doctor

  3. #963
    An innocent bystander nlmcp's Avatar
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    Go talk to a lawyer Giz, he needs to be paying support to you and the kids while he is out of the house, even though I think you are in Canada, I believe some of the same ideas of child support exist there, he can't just walk out and leave you high and dry even if it is just a seperation.

    If this is temparary, I would strongly suggest that you tell him he can't move back in untill you two have counseling together and he has it alone. I would suggest you get some also or go to a support group.

    As for him being chipper and not to sad appearing, well if he was like me, (I was the one who filed for the divorce) by the time I made up my mind to do it I had gone through the saddness and anger and was left with a calm "this is what I have to do" feeling. It was a relief to file, even though that is the beginning of the process.
    I could go east, I could go west, it was all up to me to decide. Just then I saw a young hawk flyin' and my soul began to rise. ~Bob Seger

  4. #964
    Here's your sign JAFO'S PRINCESS's Avatar
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    This may work or be totally in left field ( forgive me if it is ) but would HUBBY taking the basement room be an option?
    I might as well work. I'm in a bad mood anyway.
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  5. #965
    Premium Member DesertRose's Avatar
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    Giz, I agree with Nlmcp, get a lawyer. He absolutely needs to pay child care (we do have that in Canada, Nlmcp). Since he is so bad with money (as you mentionned), you might even ask that it is removed directly from his paycheck. The most important thing right now is the welfare of your kids.

    Also, like Lildago mentionned, some things have to be on your terms and make sure he knows that coming back won't be so easy. He has to work on himself and on your relationship before everything is ok. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but I think he is seriously taking advantage of you and you have to stand up for yourself and your kids.

  6. #966
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    giz - I don't come in here much but I wanted to say I am so sorry for what you are being put through. I've seen a lot of good advice posted here from people who have been where you are. I sincerely hope it all helps and we will all continue to be here for you.

  7. #967
    Anarchist AJane's Avatar
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    Also, Giz, depending on which province you live in, they can prevent him from renewing his driver's license or his vehicle registration if he doesn't cough up support payments. I've seen dads get their EI cheques docked, and Maintenance Enforcement can even demand money from pension plan withdrawals or transfers.

    BUT, your best bet is to obtain legal advice. I'm probably waaaaaay overstepping here, but your husband sounds very emotionally manipulative. He's got you feeling sorry for him and worrying about his addiction, and I believe you mentioned upthread that you think you are too critical of him - I'm sorry, hon, but it sounds like you have real good reason to be critical. Anyway, my point is (and I speak from sad experience) men who have the ability to control through this kind of emotional manipulation always manage to turn things around so that they become the victim and you're the nasty beyotch who made them the sorry mess they are. It sounds like your relationship is slowly but surely heading in that direction, if it's not there already.

    Again, I'm sorry if I'm overstepping. I'll just say one more thing - you will probably come out of this as an even stronger woman. That's not just a banal cliche, btw - it really does happen and it is the best damn feeling in the world.
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  8. #968
    Here's your sign JAFO'S PRINCESS's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by AJane View Post
    Again, I'm sorry if I'm overstepping. I'll just say one more thing - you will probably come out of this as an even stronger woman. That's not just a banal cliche, btw - it really does happen and it is the best damn feeling in the world.
    She's right. That's what happened with me. I used to be a meek mouse but now I feel so much better. Something else AJane mentioned...it does seem like he's manipulating you. I realize you still have strong feelings, it would be wrong not to, but I think you have gotten into the habit of making excuses for him (?). That's what happened to me. Sometimes if you can remove yourself for a minute, just think cold-heartedly about JUST YOU and your kids and not about how he'll feel and figure out the best thing to do for YOU it helps to sort things out. He doesn't seem too worried about youor your feelings and well being, why should you continue to worry about his? If you can shut that off sometimes you can come up with a plan to deal with everything alot easier.

    Good luck in all of this. I hope my posts have been helpful. ( I fgure at the very least you know you are not alone in this experience.)
    I might as well work. I'm in a bad mood anyway.
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  9. #969
    giz
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    He says he really wants to support us financially. I'm a little worried about going to a lawyer in case I find out he doesn't have to pay as much as he's offered, but I guess I should find out. nlmcp and Desertrose, you are very right in saying I should set some conditions. He's always been in control of everything (or it feels that way to me; to him it feels like he has no control), so I'm used to appeasing him, but it isn't fair of him to expect me to just take him back. It feels to me that that says a great deal about his feelings re. what I'm worth, and what a prize he is. He said emphatically that "we are not getting divorced" (unless I say so, mister), and also that he doesn't want to tell his parents, so either he's so deep in denial he can't see straight, or else he really believes he can "straighten himself out" by going it alone for a while. (Personally I think that's unlikely, but you never know). (Those are two more reasons that I think he doesn't have a "bit on the side". If he had a girlfriend presumably he wouldn't be ruling out divorce etc.).

    Jafo's P. I did suggest him staying in the basement (which would make a ton more sense financially), but I think basically he feels the kids would always be coming down, and I'd be "bothering" him, and he wouldn't get the "rest" he needs.

    AJane, oh my goodness, I've been the bad guy for a long time. He tried it again last week, when he made his big announcement, but now he seems to have come round to the idea that when he's depressed he's hypercritical and "bullying". It's a little late, but at least he can take some responsibility at last. He is extremely emotionally manipulative, he's exhausting. If only I'd cook chicken properly, or clean out the cupboards more often, or share a hobby with him, or go out with him more then everything would be fine. (I should have more of an effort to spend time alone with him, he's right about that. But the booking of babysitters was always up to me, and I wanted him to do it sometimes. Cut off nose, spite face). I suppose I'll be fine down the road, but I do worry so much about our kids. I think our daughter (older one) will have a much worse short-term reaction, but may do better out of it in the long-run. Our son (5 years) will likely do better short-term (he's less introspective, and very sunny-natured), but may be messed up long-term by not having a dad at home. My stupid husband thinks "they will get over it".

    And you're all right, I do need to get a little more selfish and self-determined. It's going to be hard to break some long-standing habits though!

  10. #970
    Amethyst YetiSports7 - Snowboard FreeRide Champion Amy Lee's Avatar
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    No, sticking up for yourself and your children is everything but selfish. And do get a lawyer.
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