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Thread: Relationship Challenged

  1. #951
    FORT Fanatic tickerrose's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by giz View Post
    I feel like nice guys are just a story women tell each other, but behind closed doors everyone's getting told to shut up, and sworn at and called names. I can't even go there to think about another relationship 'cause I'd be too afraid of being let down.

    Sigh.
    I am more than sorry to hear your story. I just want to tell you there are nice guys out there. They are few and far between but they are there. I promise. I was in a very long and tangled relationship with my x-boyfriend for many, many years. I finally had the stregnth to break up with him only to fall back in it with another one almost exactly like my old control freak, depressed x. At that point I too, thought "I can never go through this with another person", getting to know them, developing a history and intamacy seems like a lot of work sometimes and you don't think you can go though it again, just to be treated the same old way and feel just like you always did with your old one. I said things like "All men cheat" and "There are no good men out there." I was alone for a long time and was beginning to think I would never enjoy the company of someone who really loved me. Then, one day, out of the blue by husband walked into my life. While there are many more years to go in our marriage he has been ten times more kind, warm and understanding to me in the time we have been together then all my x;s combined. I want you to know there is hope.
    I know how difficult it must be because he is your husband and you must want to work things out for the children and your marriage. I can't tell you what you should do, but I want to let you know that no matter how much it seems like you will not get over it or ever find anyone else you are wrong. There is a man out there who will be your partner, be your protector, be your best friend and be your husband. If thats not the one you have then maybe you should let him move out not back in when he relizes that the world without you is not as much fun as it looked from his easy chair.

  2. #952
    Who Dat lildago's Avatar
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    After a L-O-N-G talk with my husband last night, I've decided to just keep quiet...mostly because he so adamantly wants me to stay out of it. Lord knows, he and I have enough to deal with without adding someone else's issues to our list and telling her would do just that. My husband told me the rest of the story last night when I was calmer and this guy is being so stupid and careless. It's just a matter of time before she finds out. I'm betting she has to suspect something already. When does she find out on her own, I'll deal with the questions. It's hard though. I think she's going to feel more like a fool knowing that everyone knew except her. As for him, well, I better try to steer clear of him!
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  3. #953
    Trouble in my life just1paul's Avatar
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    For all it is worth, once upon a time I had a married couple as friends and over the course of our friendship during conversations, cheating would come up and EACH ONE said they would want to know if the other was cheating. Well, you guessed it- she was cheating on him, but it didn't surface for about 2 years when I bumped into her at a party with someone else who she was all hot & heavy with in PUBLIC. yeech. I told him - long story short, they decided to work on it and are now not speaking to me. I say to all of you wanting to spill the beans if you do it plan on saying good riddance to the rubbish.
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  4. #954
    Livin' the life Dinahann's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by gabriel View Post
    For all it is worth, once upon a time I had a married couple as friends and over the course of our friendship during conversations, cheating would come up and EACH ONE said they would want to know if the other was cheating. Well, you guessed it- she was cheating on him, but it didn't surface for about 2 years when I bumped into her at a party with someone else who she was all hot & heavy with in PUBLIC. yeech. I told him - long story short, they decided to work on it and are now not speaking to me. I say to all of you wanting to spill the beans if you do it plan on saying good riddance to the rubbish.
    It's almost as if they need someone to blame and since they're working on their relationship they decide to blame you. It's a no win situation. Of course, every situation is different, but for the most part, I'd say keep quiet.

    When I was in my late 20's I was married to a real jerk. This guy lied about everything - even when he could've told the truth. Very passive aggressive. Anyway, I had spent three days in another city when one of my younger brothers was seriously ill, sleeping on the floor of the hospital waiting room. Another brother was with me when we came back to my home, and I was on the telephone when he asked if he could see my husband's guitar. I said sure and he opened the closet door, only to find my hubby had moved out while I was gone. Coward. I had no idea anything was even wrong, but he had been seeing a very young girl behind my back and had gotten her pregnant.

    After we separated and were going through the divorce, one of my acquaintances told me he had made a pass at her one evening after I had left the house to go to the store. I always wondered why she felt a need to tell me that. It left me feeling very paranoid. Did he make a pass at all my firends? My sister? Some things are best left unsaid, IMO, when you can't change anything.
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  5. #955
    giz
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    Quote Originally Posted by tickerrose View Post
    I want to let you know that no matter how much it seems like you will not get over it or ever find anyone else you are wrong. There is a man out there who will be your partner, be your protector, be your best friend and be your husband. If thats not the one you have then maybe you should let him move out not back in when he relizes that the world without you is not as much fun as it looked from his easy chair.
    Thanks so much for that, it was very eloquently put. I guess I find it painful to think about how it could be, as it makes putting up with it worse, and also because once upon a time my husband was all those things. Well, we never chatted alot, but he was someone to share and protect. Perhaps having a ray of hope will help get me through this. Sniffle. I think I want the Steve character from Sex and the City. That kind of guy. He's now being all "can I get you a cup of tea?" and not mentioning moving out. Grrrr. He may still be thinking about it, but I don't want to bring it up as I don't know what I think. I guess, especially after reading everyone's posts, that I'd like him to go, but feel we can't really afford it - at least until we get out of debt. If we can do that (god knows I could, but he's exhibiting all this risk-taking behaviour that sometimes goes with depression and getting us into a big financial hole is one of those behaviours), then it might be for the best.

    I've taken on board some of his complaints (I AM critical of him, because I can't stand him, and I can't stand him because he has been so freaking mean to me for about 10 years - sometimes though, when he's perked up, I like having him around as I want the whole Happy Families thing). I'll work on that. It's obvious though that he has a whole bucket load of things to work on, and hopefully this latest depth of despair will provoke that. I think I may try (for the kids) to give him another chance, and see if he gets counselling, does drug therapy etc. Over the past year he has cut down on drinking, so he does make attempts at trying. Sigh. The whole thing is boring me!

    nlmcp, you're right, I am obsessed with the house! (not that you said that!!) I love my sweet house, it's a little old cottage and feels so good to me. If we split I'd be in a tiny place way the heck across town from everyone me and the kids know as the city we live in is really expensive and we'd be downgrading big-time. It would be another blow to leave this neighbourhood, so it would be good to try to stay. I totally see what you mean, it's only a building, but I'd like to try and keep it. I'd also like to try to work part-time,but well-paid part-time. I'm avoiding Starbucks barrista scenarios and hoping (and trying) for the union jobs. I'm also starting some re-training in January. I hope that (and I've done the math) if I worked 25 hours a week at a really good rate that would do us. I get tired pretty easily, so full-time would do me in!

    Lildago, I'm glad to hear of your decision. I'm really glad that me and the Terrible Husband never told our friend's wife. It would have been humiliating for her to know that everyone knew. Besides which, as someone mentioned, sometimes I wonder if the guys' affairs are in his head, as he's a bit of storyteller.
    Last edited by giz; 12-03-2005 at 11:52 AM.

  6. #956
    Who Dat lildago's Avatar
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    As I posted upthread this morning, I decided to keep quiet about my friend's low-life cheating husband. Looks like all of my worrying about it didn't matter. She caught him on the phone with the woman today. She left her daughter with me for a while this evening so they could talk but didn't say much when she picked her up. I feel really bad for her but relieved that she knows and I didn't have to be the one to tell her.
    Getting lost will help you find yourself.

  7. #957
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    Quote Originally Posted by gabriel View Post
    For all it is worth, once upon a time I had a married couple as friends and over the course of our friendship during conversations, cheating would come up and EACH ONE said they would want to know if the other was cheating. Well, you guessed it- she was cheating on him, but it didn't surface for about 2 years when I bumped into her at a party with someone else who she was all hot & heavy with in PUBLIC. yeech. I told him - long story short, they decided to work on it and are now not speaking to me. I say to all of you wanting to spill the beans if you do it plan on saying good riddance to the rubbish.
    You are exactly right. I have a similar experience with a former close friend. About 6 months after their wedding her husband was at the country club I worked at, and at the end of the night offered me a ride home. I thought nothing of it since we were all friends (I was a bit too trusting in my younger days). Long story short... he hit on me big time that night. I refused and got away from him and decided it would be best to keep quiet about it. A few months later my friend came to my apartment in tears because it was "over" and she was filing for divorce, and asked to stay with me for a few days. She asked me specifically if I knew of any times he had cheated, she wouldn't leave it alone so I finally told her about that night. A few days later they made up and I went from close friend to the evil bitch that tried to break up her marriage. That marriage didn't last more than a couple of years so in the whole scheme of things it was no big loss. The thing is, I would have never told her if she hadn't pressed me so hard and it made me wonder if she already knew. He was just the kind of creep who would have thrown it in her face during one of their knock-down drag out fights. I will never know, but just the same I would have to agree that it's best to keep your mouth shut. In my opinion the only thing worse than the cheating itself is finding out that your were the last to know. Better to think that you found out first and nobody else knew about it.

  8. #958
    My soul... Lonelyguy82's Avatar
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    Wow! This is like a real-life soap opera. A lover told you a secret but you couldn't even tell your closest best friend for her sake because it could raised some more messy situations. Follow by many experienced stories...

    I'm learning this a lot is that not everything is cut and dried and that nobody isn't really perfect. Stuff like this can happen to any of us. Very interesting!
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  9. #959
    giz
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    Cancel that. He's said he is moving out. I'm frankly pretty ticked that he didn't either tell me months ago that things were that bad for him, so we could work on it, or B) try counselling or drug therapy for his depression. It pisses me off that he's going to give up on his family without trying to work things out. (He says he's not giving up, just moving out - a pretty strange distinction. He claims he'll be here every day, but if he does go, and I guess he will, I'll update everyone cause I seriously don't see him putting the effort into seeing the kids more than on weekends).

    He wants me to get a tenant for the basement, which will mean my daughter giving up her room, getting mine, and me sleeping on the sofa. So thanks for that, guy. I feel embarassed to be the leavee. Like rejected goods. Blah, not good for the old self-esteem. I do not see, at all, how he thinks we can afford this, but he claims to be "going crazy" living with us. He seems to think he can just change his mind in a few months and come back, but what if we don't want him back? Annoys the hell out of me that he thinks he can reject me and then I'll be thrilled to have him back. Nerve of the guy.

    Final thing I'm mad about is that he doesn't seem too sad. He says he's "resigned to it". He in fact seems a little chipper the last few days. Which again is hard to take since my world is upended. I can never get mad at him though, cause he can always out-mad me, and so I'm glad I can vent here!

  10. #960
    Who Dat lildago's Avatar
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    giz, forgive me if I overstep but why is everything on his terms? If he leaves, why does he decide that you take on a tenant for the basement? Someone upthread (AJane, I think) gave some good advice...get a lawyer. Sadly, I think you may need one. Sorry, honey, for what you're going through.
    Getting lost will help you find yourself.

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