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Thread: Relationship Challenged

  1. #941
    giz
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    FORT Fogey giz's Avatar
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    I wonder if he told your husband because he wanted to unburden himself or because he is hoping to get caught? That's awful for you and worse for your friend. I think telling her could bring on a whole bunch of difficulties, for you, for your friendship, and for her. She may already suspect. Is there a way to infer all wives should be vigilant - sort of an "I saw this thing on Oprah" kind of story - , so that she wouldn't know you knew, but could have her radar up? If you outright tell her and they work things out, and she stays with the bum she could feel uncomfortable around you. Good luck with it.

  2. #942
    Premium Member canuckinchile's Avatar
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    I wouldn't tell. How do you know that she doesn't already know and is putting up a front? Putting yourself in the middle of this could lead to big trouble for your friendship. If he is blabbing to your husband of all people, it is only a matter of time before she finds out anyway.

  3. #943
    FORT Fogey candor's Avatar
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    Yikes. I'm with canuck ... as awful as it would be to hold that kind of secret from your friend, telling her compromises your husband, who told you something in confidence.
    And giz, I'm sorry to hear about your pending split. If it's any consolation, Dr. Phil has some wisdom on parents who divorce: Children would rather be from a broken home than live in one. Good luck.
    "If there are no dogs in heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went." Will Rogers

  4. #944
    Premium Member dagwood's Avatar
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    Oh, Giz, I wish I could give you some advice. All I can say is just love your babies during this, and you and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.

  5. #945
    Who Dat lildago's Avatar
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    I understand what all of you are saying and giz, your PM makes alot of sense and gives me a different perspective. I'm just not sure if I can keep it quiet. She's my friend. She should know. I'm still not sure what I'll do.
    Getting lost will help you find yourself.

  6. #946
    RESIDENT JEDI MASTER Stargazer's Avatar
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    lildago, the part that stuck out for me was when you said that your husband asked you not to tell her. Your own marriage should come first and you may want to seriously consider what damage you could cause there before you talk to your friend. If you break your spouse's confidence, the next time they might find someone else to confide in, which is never a good thing.

    ETA: I just wanted to add that the position you find yourself in SUCKS. Good luck figuring it out.
    "Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter."- Yoda

    "I'll just see where Providence takes me and try to look like I got there confidently." - Craig Ferguson

  7. #947
    Livin' the life Dinahann's Avatar
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    lildago, seventeen years ago I saw my best friend's husband kissing another woman at a bar while she was at home with the children and I told her. All I did was cause her lots of misery. Thirteen years later she finally divorced the jerk. The thing is, she already knew that he was cheating, but she wasn't in a position to leave him. That left her knowing that I knew her husband was a first class ass, and it made things uncomfortable for awhile. If I had it to do all over again I wouldn't have told her. She's still my dearest friend, and I hurt for her, but things aren't always cut and dried, if you know what I mean.

    It's a tough call. The thing is, his friend told your husband in confidence, but the friend should've known that husbands and wives don't keep secrets from each other -or shouldn't-, and your hubby had an obligation to tell you. Whether you tell or not is up to you, but don't be surprized if you are suddenly "the bad guy" if you do.
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  8. #948
    Who Dat lildago's Avatar
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    Star and Dinah, you're both absolutely right. What's really bothering me is that I keep thinking if it was me, I would want to know. Until I'm sure of what to do, I'll probably do nothing.

    ETA: If she finds out on her own and learns that I knew and said nothing, how do I explain that?
    Last edited by lildago; 12-03-2005 at 12:42 AM.
    Getting lost will help you find yourself.

  9. #949
    Premium Member canuckinchile's Avatar
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    Ok...I too was in this situation, and I felt like I was in the middle of a bad Woody Allen movie. I was there to pick up the pieces and when my friend asked if I knew I said, "There were rumours, but I never directly saw anything so I tried to be the best friend I could."

    Oh, and have you thought of this: Her husband could be making it up (some idiots think it makes them more macho or something like that), or retaliate if he finds out you blabbed, ie) well, he told so I told...since he is a cheater, I wouldn't put it past him to start making stuff up.

    You have to do what you think is best, so good luck it won't be easy. And for sure it is going to be difficult to be in the same room with him.

  10. #950
    An innocent bystander nlmcp's Avatar
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    I wouldn't tell because your husband asked you not to. Now, if she asks you directly if you know of her husband cheating, you can fall back on "I've heard rumours". I did tell a friend once her husband was cheating. She got very angry at me and then later apoligised but it was very uncomfortable for awhile.

    Giz, as for finances. Only you can answer that question. I've had to cut back, I have child support and I work full time plus a temparory Sat job to make ends met. I stayed in the house which I'm trying to decide was a smart thing or a dumb thing. 1 girlfriend of mine fought like a manic to keep the house to lose it in foreclousre less then 2 years later. She moved to a small rental house with the kids and after about 6 months she told me she had no clue what she was thinking, she was happier and the kids were happier to be out of the old house. I have another girlfriend who they sold the family home and she bought a condo. she noted it's less stressful then keeping up with the yard work.

    Financially it can be hard. I seem to recall you work part time. Most likely you will have to work fulltime unless you get a great child support/spousal support agreement. I notice however with just me handling the money, I know were it all goes. That was a huge problem with my ex, there was always a huge outflow of money that I could never figure out what was happening with it.
    I could go east, I could go west, it was all up to me to decide. Just then I saw a young hawk flyin' and my soul began to rise. ~Bob Seger

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