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Thread: Relationship Challenged

  1. #931
    giz
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    I guess you've got a point Stargazer. It's just he gets mad all the time over nothing, so doing something he's asked me not to do is a quick way to get in a whole big load of trouble. He's just very private (which is partly how he got in this mess in the first place, as he not only didn't tell me things had gotten to this point, but he didn't tell a friend or a counsellor), and to some extent maybe I should respect that? Once he's gone he can't expect it stay with just us.

  2. #932
    Amethyst YetiSports7 - Snowboard FreeRide Champion Amy Lee's Avatar
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    Just take care of your self and your children. They're your priority. Your hubby isn't a child( though he may act as such), he knows their are alternatives out there to try and remedy the situation, if he doesn't want to, that's on him. You've got 2 kids to worry about.
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  3. #933
    RESIDENT JEDI MASTER Stargazer's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by giz View Post
    I guess you've got a point Stargazer. It's just he gets mad all the time over nothing, so doing something he's asked me not to do is a quick way to get in a whole big load of trouble. He's just very private (which is partly how he got in this mess in the first place, as he not only didn't tell me things had gotten to this point, but he didn't tell a friend or a counsellor), and to some extent maybe I should respect that? Once he's gone he can't expect it stay with just us.
    Well, there is always the possibility that you two can work things out. So I wouldn't tell everyone you know and then have to go back and explain that you've gotten back together. However, talking your feelings through with a trusted friend or two is frankly none of his business. He's getting ready to destroy any marital privacy you have with his decision. If you need to talk to someone, then you should. If you want to explain it to him, tell him that he can't expect you to just be passive and go along with whatever he wants when he's making changes that affect you and your children.
    "Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter."- Yoda

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  4. #934
    giz
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    I think in the main I need to resist the urge to tell his cute friend who flirts with me! I'll admit the scenario of having someone interested cheered me up momentarily, even if I wouldn't go there. I'm going back and forth between acting normal for kids and community, and getting teary in the kitchen. Worst week ever.

    Kicking myself somewhat for ditching world's nicest guy (almost 20 years ago) for this bozo. Except then I wouldn't have the world's greatest kids. Little one asked how long it would take to save $10 from his allowance. I said 5 weeks. He said "is that before Christmas, cause I want to give it to poor kids." World's best kids.

  5. #935
    FORT Fogey snoopy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by giz View Post
    I think in the main I need to resist the urge to tell his cute friend who flirts with me! I'll admit the scenario of having someone interested cheered me up momentarily, even if I wouldn't go there. I'm going back and forth between acting normal for kids and community, and getting teary in the kitchen. Worst week ever.

    Kicking myself somewhat for ditching world's nicest guy (almost 20 years ago) for this bozo. Except then I wouldn't have the world's greatest kids. Little one asked how long it would take to save $10 from his allowance. I said 5 weeks. He said "is that before Christmas, cause I want to give it to poor kids." World's best kids.
    Wow. Giz, I too dumped the man who treated me like a queen almost 20 years ago for the father of my two amazing kids. So at least there was a reason for it. I have been divorced for 15 years, and have never met a special man since. I will always wonder what could have been, but I couldn't even begin to imagine life without exactly the same kids that I got as a result. I guess we are the lucky ones- we got a gift for what we gave up!
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  6. #936
    An innocent bystander nlmcp's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by giz View Post
    They are (10 and 5) going to be devastated. He says they will get over it! If he stays moved out (he assumes he can change his mind and come back) in a year or so I'll probably be okay, but the kids are going to miss him a lot permanently. He claims he will see them most days ( I doubt this, as he finds them very stressful, and they are great kids). I can see he's depressed, and I guess he needs to do what he needs to do, but he won't consider marital or individual counselling, or drug therapy. Sigh.
    I'm sorry Giz you are going through with this. I got a divorce this year from a guy who had chronic depression and who was only willing to work on it once in while. He wasn't verbally abusive but he just wasn't there in the relationship. He spent most of his time at home in front of the computer or locked in the bedroom the last several years of our marriage. There would be short periods when he would perk up and become involved again but it rarely lasted.

    In a way moving out has improved his relationship with the kids. He only has to deal with them for short periods of time now. He doesn't have to put up with some of the day to day stressful things. My kids are 13 and 11 now, yes it was hard when we frist told them but shortly after he moved out the stress level in the house went way down. And both children have commented on it. My oldest goes to her dad's more then her younger sister as she shares more interests with him. He has them EOW and I'm very flexable when they come home, good weekends they are home at 9pm Sunday, bad weekends they may be home at 1pm. Every Friday night my oldest is at her dad's. He picks them up 1 or sometimes 2 nights a week for a quick supper or visit. He lives maybe 4 miles from me.

    Being married to someone who is chronically depressed is hard. They have to more then take medication, they need counseling and they need to live by a routine and avoid alcohol and there is still a lot of ups and downs. Going through the divorce may be very hard but once it's done and you start living your life like how you want to, trust me it gets better.


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  7. #937
    giz
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    I hope I wouldn't make that mistake again. What appeals at 20 is often pretty different than what appeals at 42! I find myself yearning for a real mensch.

    Mine spends a great deal of time hiding from us too. He does make attempts, but they rarely last more than a month at most, and usually only a few weeks. It's good to hear your kids are doing better, I worry so much about how him staying or going will affect them. They are so affectionate with me, and with each other, I don't want this to grind them down. It's going to be very difficult for him to get better. I realise this now (after hearing everyone's comments and getting some lovely pm's). He has a drinking problem, and does not believe in counselling (thinks it some feminized weak-willed thing), and is scared of drug therapy after having a bad reaction to medication some years ago. I suspect he thinks he can sort himself out. I'm going to try talking to his doctor, see if I can get him to try to prescribe something. Husband can choose to take it or not, but the doctor needs to stop waffling.

    nlmcp, I always thought that when we split up it would be a huge relief, but now I'm dreading it somewhat. I'm really worried about the financial aspect too. Did you feel fairly quickly like a weight had been lifted, or is there a mourning period to be expected? It's really messing with what I expected for my life, and for our kids' lives.

    Snoopy, thanks for that. It's a beautiful way to look at it, as a trade off I'll take the kids anyday.
    Last edited by giz; 12-02-2005 at 11:58 AM.

  8. #938
    Anarchist AJane's Avatar
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    to Giz. I divorced my first husband for a variety of reasons, but the biggest one was his drug problem. I think it's admirable you want to try to help him, but trust me when I tell you that substance abusers need to make the effort themselves before they get better. I can tell from your posts that you're a helluva smart cookie, but I'm going to give you some purely practical advice - Get. A. Lawyer. It's what you need to do to protect yourself and your kids, financially as well as otherwise. The emotional trauma that you and your kids are going to experience will be a lot easier to take if you don't have to worry about paying the mortgage on time.

    And PM me if you need to vent, or whatever.
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  9. #939
    Here's your sign JAFO'S PRINCESS's Avatar
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    In a way moving out has improved his relationship with the kids. He only has to deal with them for short periods of time now.
    If it helps any my hubby was the same way with being impatient and uninterested with the kids but I also have found that since our split he cherishes the time he DOES have with them because it is limited.

    He has a drinking problem, and does not believe in counselling (thinks it some feminized weak-willed thing), and is scared of drug therapy after having a bad reaction to medication some years ago. I suspect he thinks he can sort himself out.
    Again, I know exactly the situation. My hubby was/is schitzophrenic and refused meds. He thought he could deal with it alone too but I think trying to talk to the doctor might be a good idea.

    I know I am new here so I don't know you like the others here do but if you want to talk to someone who kinda has been in the same spot you can PM me. I won't mind. Sometimes it's easier to talk to a stranger than someone you are close to.

    Good luck. You can do it.
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  10. #940
    Who Dat lildago's Avatar
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    I'm in a dilemma here. My friend's husband had lunch with my husband today. They don't hang out that often, usually only when it's the four of us. Today he was close to my husband's office and stopped by. Anyway, he shared with my husband that he is cheating with a woman who started out as a client. I am shocked and want to tell my friend. My husband gave his word that he wouldn't break the confidence and doesn't want me to tell her. I think she should know and would expect her, as my friend, to tell me if the situation was reversed. My husband adamantly wants me to stay out of it and "mind my own business." I'm torn. Should I do what I feel is right and piss off my husband by doing so? It's going to be torture for me to keep my mouth shut, especially when I see him! I see and/or talk to her a few times a week. Am I supposed to just act like I know nothing? I think I already know the answer. Somebody please tell me that I'd be doing the right thing by telling her!
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