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Thread: Relationship Challenged

  1. #921
    MIA, RIP, or Busy...
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    I believe most popular dating sites (like Match.com) also offer "man seeks man" or "woman seeks woman" options too.
    A Bachelor fan til it dies a slow death and oddly enough, A Rock of Love fan...finest hair extensions from Europe and all. ;-)

  2. #922
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    thanks. I'll look into it.

  3. #923
    giz
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    Yesterday my husband told me he wants to move out. On the one hand I should have seen it coming as he's depressed on and off, and drinks alot. On the other hand, when he's not depressed he tells me he loves me and is affectionate. Just last week for example. He's never said this before, even in his worst depressions, but he's suddenly really taken with the idea. I don't want him to go, as (even though he's Really difficult) he's my husband and I will miss him (and miss the idea of being a family together). I'm also pretty upset for the kids. He's agreed not to tell them til after Christmas. They are (10 and 5) going to be devastated. He says they will get over it! If he stays moved out (he assumes he can change his mind and come back) in a year or so I'll probably be okay, but the kids are going to miss him a lot permanently. He claims he will see them most days ( I doubt this, as he finds them very stressful, and they are great kids). I can see he's depressed, and I guess he needs to do what he needs to do, but he won't consider marital or individual counselling, or drug therapy. I'm feeling really sad about this, and rejected. I feel like nice guys are just a story women tell each other, but behind closed doors everyone's getting told to shut up, and sworn at and called names. I can't even go there to think about another relationship 'cause I'd be too afraid of being let down.

    Sigh.
    Last edited by giz; 12-01-2005 at 12:43 PM.

  4. #924
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    Quote Originally Posted by giz View Post
    Yesterday my husband told me he wants to move out. On the one hand I should have seen it coming as he's depressed on and off, and drinks alot. On the other hand, when he's not depressed he tells me he loves me and is affectionate.
    Oh Giz. I'm very sorry to hear about this for you. Although your post doesn't specifically indicate it, if there is verbal abuse going on behind your closed doors and in front of your children, then this may be for the best for everyone concerned IF he refuses to seek help for his problems (and you seemed to indicate that he has). Emotional roller coasters can be very exhausting. Not to mention alcohol problems probably enhance the depression and he has to get help with this himself.

    And unfortunately, as I have learned personally, no matter the circumstances of divorce, good or bad and how well/not well divorced parents relate to one another, your children WILL miss their father. I hope he doesn't think he can just turn his back on their lives forever.

    I will keep you in my prayers and hope that you are able to take a breather, your husband take a breather and come back to this issue full circle before permanent life-altering decisions are made.
    A Bachelor fan til it dies a slow death and oddly enough, A Rock of Love fan...finest hair extensions from Europe and all. ;-)

  5. #925
    Premium Member DesertRose's Avatar
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    I'm so sorry to hear this Giz. It will be difficult for the children I'm sure, but kids are smart and I'm sure it's already hard for them to see their father depressed and drinking. I am not a child of divorced parents, nor am I a divorcee myself, so all I can do is hug you

    Quote Originally Posted by giz
    I feel like nice guys are just a story women tell each other, but behind closed doors everyone's getting told to shut up, and sworn at and called names
    That is not true my dear. There are nice guys out there that do not tell their wife to shut up, swear at her or call her names. I sincerely hope yours does not do that.

  6. #926
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    Thanks so much. He doesn't want me to mention this to anyone, but it's hard to carry this by myself. He is emotionally abusive for weeks at a time (then he takes a few weeks off!). Mostly not in front of the kids, but somewhat. I have said to them that their dad loves his family, but that it's not okay to talk to women like that, and most men don't do it. (I think I know that's true about most men, but this has made me a little crazy).

    He does want to still be involved with them (he coaches the little one's soccer group for example), but I suspect it will evolve to a weekend dad kind of thing. The littlest stress (kids arguing, 5 year old not sitting still at dinner) really upsets him, and I suspect he wants to be alone, not just from me but from anyone who wants something emotionally from him. I would like a coconut to drop on his head, and the nice guy he is a third of the time to stay around permanently. Send away bad husband, and let good husband stay. I'm sad about the kids being in a family with no dad in the house. And I'll miss the kissing.

    I should add, DesertRose, that while they see him hungover (and hopefully they don't really understand that), they don't see him drinking. He goes out every night after they've gone to sleep, and drinks at the bar. $$
    Last edited by giz; 12-01-2005 at 01:22 PM.

  7. #927
    Here's your sign JAFO'S PRINCESS's Avatar
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    giz- that's awful to hear but it's probably better ( although it definatley doesn't seem so now ) in the long run to be away from him. ( for all of you ) My ex was like that and after being away I'd now rather be alone than put up with his crap again. You do miss the closness of having someone but you can't be weak about this or you might as well put a revolving door on the front of the house because he will be in ( when he needs you ) and out. The best advice I can give you is to try to be strong for your kids and explain the best you can. If you just take it a day at a time and don't expect too much of yourself after a while you will feel better. From the sound of it better than you have in a long time.

    *sometimes doing dumb stuff that would normally have earned you a 'shut-up' or 'quit being stuipd you're embarassing me' just cause you can is the funnest thing. It was good therapy for me to just do all the little things I couldn't do ( cause he would not have approved ) when I got down.*

    Feel better and hopefully you can still have a merry christmas.

    I'm sure nobody here minds you talking about this. I couldn't imagine trying to carry that burden alone. These are the times in life that you need friennds the most. Go ahead and lean on them. I'm sure they won't mind.
    Last edited by JAFO'S PRINCESS; 12-01-2005 at 01:32 PM.
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  8. #928
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    giz, You don't have to carry this by yourself. We're here for you.
    Getting lost will help you find yourself.

  9. #929
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    Quote Originally Posted by giz View Post
    I feel like nice guys are just a story women tell each other, but behind closed doors everyone's getting told to shut up, and sworn at and called names.
    I am no expert in relationships having gone thru 2 divorces and and am currently in my 3rd long term relationship. There ARE nice guys out there but no one is perfect. Even the nice ones. They all have some irritating habits that you either live with or not. I chose to live with current b/f's habits even if they "get on my nerves" and "won't change" but he does love me and really does try his best.

    Sorry for what you are going through. We are here for you and there are so many exceptional people here that I'm sure someone's advice will help in the long run. I really think he should talk to someone (counseling) b/c he needs to talk to a third party about this and it would be fair to you and the kids for him to at least try that. Good luck.

  10. #930
    RESIDENT JEDI MASTER Stargazer's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by giz View Post
    Thanks so much. He doesn't want me to mention this to anyone, but it's hard to carry this by myself.
    I don't give advice in this thread often because I'm a total disaster at relationships. However, this part of your story bothered me. Honey, if he's just told you that he's getting ready to upend your entire life, he's lost his rights to your confidence. If you need to talk to someone in your real life, talk to someone. I understand you want to save your marriage, but you also need to take care of yourself, as well. He's made it clear he's not planning on doing it.

    I'm sorry about what you're going through. I hope you get it worked out.
    "Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter."- Yoda

    "I'll just see where Providence takes me and try to look like I got there confidently." - Craig Ferguson

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