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Thread: Relationship Challenged

  1. #61
    FORT Fogey
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    Quote Originally Posted by ADKLove
    What is wrong with just being friends, anyway? I've learned that its the infatuations/lovers that may come and go, but a true friend? Those are pretty rare.
    That is so true!! True friends are extremely rare. I used to think that "friends" and "lovers" were mutually exclusive terms, until I realized the best relationship I've ever had is with someone I could honestly call my best friend.

    Poor Jahim...I got kind of a flash of Adam Sandler singing "Love Stinks" during the first part of your story. Yes, I think that Joey cares or he wouldn't have bothered to pick you up. I also think that sometimes you can come on way too strong and ruin a good thing. Then you run the risk as coming off "desperate" and (like ADK pointed out) most people don't like that. My humble 2 cents--relax, take a few deep breaths and let it be for now. Waiting does suck, but you apologized, he said he didn't think you were a jerk. The olive branch has been extended. What I've found out is that when I've tried to "force" love in the past, it never resulted in a healthy relationship. Let the ball be in Joey's court for the moment, I think. (Oh, and keep us posted ) Good luck, hon

  2. #62
    Wonky snarkmistress Lucy's Avatar
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    Jahim, hard as it may be, I say let it go for now. It sounds -- no offense intended -- as though you came on too strong, and scared him. You probably feel this compulsion to collar him and sit him down and talk to him and "fix" everything. But he might see that as just another instance of you pushing him too hard. And ask yourself, do you really want someone that you have to pursue that hard? Much is made of the pleasures of being the one pursued, or of being the one who's going after something they want, and it IS nice to be pursued, for a while. But I've found that my best relationships have been ones in which both parties fell into it naturally. Those relationships immediately felt easy and natural and neither of us had to torture ourselves over pursuit.
    Anyway, I just think you should give him some space. You're more likely to regret doing something rash; you're not likely to regret letting things just be for a while. Just my opinion.
    Good luck.
    It's such a fine line between stupid, and clever. -- David St. Hubbins

  3. #63
    FORT Fogey
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    OK, and it seems Lucy and I posted pretty much the same thoughts at the same exact moment. Spooky.

  4. #64
    Wonky snarkmistress Lucy's Avatar
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    Eek! We did! Jinx!
    It's such a fine line between stupid, and clever. -- David St. Hubbins

  5. #65
    FORT Fogey lambikins's Avatar
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    Normally, I'm positive about love, but having watched an Oprah show last week, with the guest host having written a book called "He's just not interested!!!", I'd say "No! Don't email him under ANY circumstance other than business!!!"

    Think I'm wrong about this? We taped the Oprah show, and our male, 32 year old and single roommate, Paul, was walking by when he heard everyone scream, "He's just not interested in you!"

    He listened in silence and my partner and I asked him, "So, Paul, is it true?"

    He hemmed and hawed for a moment, but he confessed that "Yes!", it was true! As Paul and the author of the book both said, "If a guy is interested in you, in a DATING manner, they will do everything, I mean everything to give you their number."

    Again...think I'm lying? My female partner and I were at a Christening. One of the guests was a nice enough guy that began talking to her...and talking...and talking. You could tell their were sparks..on his end only. As he was leaving the party, he came back and asked my partner to dinner. She politely declined.

    The next day, when he saw his aunt (who hosted the party) he asked her to hand my partner a note, next time that she saw her, giving her his name, address and phone number.

    When my partner was given the note, she read it, showed it to me, laughed and tossed it in the trash.

    What the guy on Oprah said is that "You...the woman...deserves better than chasing after a guy who isn't totally 'into' you. Guys will have sex with a woman, they will go out to dinner with a woman, but, they still can remain detached and NOT interested in that very woman."

    Shy girls get picked as easily as fast ones do. Don't settle for someone you have to run down, like a cheetah with a gazelle for dinner.

    You deserve better.
    Still crazy, after all these shears

    "lambikins, put the crack pipe down and back away from the keyboard." Unklescott

    "lambikins... I have come to the conclusion that you are the Jedi Master of the Kitchen on FORT!" SuperBrat

  6. #66
    Come Along, Pond phat32's Avatar
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    ...but [Joey] was on the phone talking with a friend majority of the way home...
    Was it Chandler? Sorry, sorry--couldn't resist. (C'mon, ladies, laugh. Breathe. It's okay.)

    May I offer a male point-of-view?

    First of all, Lucy is absolutely right--the best relationships that I've ever had (e.g. those that didn't end with a restraining order) were the ones that just evolved naturally, that just happened because both parties knew it was going to happen.

    Has anyone ever had that experience while you're just talking to someone, you look at each other and smile and just know that something is going to happen? It's like "crossing the Rubicon" in a relationship--after that, there's no turning back.

    I believe the greatest disservice that Hollywood has ever done to us was to put this idea that "going from friends to lovers is inevitable" in the American zeitgeist, perpetrated by pap like When Harry Met Sally. (Well, the second greatest disservice; the first is Police Academy, but I digress. I'll stop wisecracking now. Honest.)

    First of all: Joey's behavior. Is it hard to see someone go from an amazing friend to not being in your life or being in your life so little? Of course it is. And that's the difficult part--not only are you losing what you consider a romantic prospect, but you're losing a good friend, too.

    Secondly comes what I call the "Monday-morning quarterbacking." You'll be tempted to sit at home and replay everything you've ever said to one another, to try and spot some clue as to how he "really" feels or whether you could have done or said anything differently. You may even be tempted to pick up a phone and start calling family and friends to rehash the long version of this.

    One word: Don't. Just...don't. You're only hurting yourself. Stop beating yourself up. It doesn't matter. There's nothing you could have said or done differently, whether you wore the green dress or the red blouse that night you had the Big Talk wouldn't have made a difference. And even if it did (it doesn't), you can't go back and change what was said or done. So. Don't do it.

    If nothing else, spare your friends and family the anguish. They may listen a time or two, but then you'll notice that they're drifting away from you, too. Are they being cruel? No, but they're busy with their lives and have their worries, too. And chances are, it's hard for them to see you in such obvious pain.

    I wish I knew how old you are, or more importantly, how old Joey is. I hate to generalize, but speaking as a man, most men I know aren't ready for a real relationship until, oh, about 25 or so. Some think they are, but they're not. Not really.

    I've found that women are ready for a relationship younger than that. That's just another way that women mature more quickly than men, I suppose. And let's face it--There are so many, many other ways that women are more mature than men, at each stage in our lives. (Frankly, ladies, I have to admit that we're so impulsive, moronic, and childish that I don't know how you put up with us...)

    So what now?

    Now, I would suggest you find something of interest outside of Joey. You like books? Join a book club. Like painting? Take a watercolor class at junior college. Hiking?...Well, you get the idea. Why? Am I just trying to be glib? Far from it.

    It's to help you stop thinking about him; otherwise, the urge to sit around and mope and wait for the phone to ring is going to be all-consuming. Like a pot that never boils, a watched phone never rings.

    You'll feel yourself grow as a person when you develop more interests, being well-rounded makes you more attractive to other people, and you'll make new friends, too.

    Take it one day at a time. Post with us and smile when you do. In this world, laughter is the only antidote to those things and those people who would bring us down.
    "...Every life is a pile of good things and bad things. The good things donít always soften the bad things, but...the bad things donít always spoil the good things." - The Doctor

  7. #67
    Nevermind Lotuslander's Avatar
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    There are lots of fish in the sea, so stop ordering hamburgers and check out the sushi bar.

  8. #68
    Scrappy Spartan Broadway's Avatar
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    I've found that women are ready for a relationship younger than that. That's just another way that women mature more quickly than men, I suppose. And let's face it--There are so many, many other ways that women are more mature than men, at each stage in our lives. (Frankly, ladies, I have to admit that we're so impulsive, moronic, and childish that I don't know how you put up with us...)
    Just to help you guys out.... Jahim is a guy. Fabulous advice, all, and I think it still definitely applies, but... just wanted to correct the gender issue.

    and phat... I'm surprised we put up with you guys, too.

    Lotus...short and succinct.
    Never let the things you want make you forget about the things you have.

  9. #69
    Premium Member Yeti Long Shot: Porpoheus Champion
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    I did it. I dipped my big toe in the pool yesterday. The shallow end, of course. I went on my first "date" since '97 or '98. Oy. I think I may have lost my touch. Or my charm. Or maybe even my looks. *sigh* If I were a gold-digger, I'd be devastated. But since I'm not (anymore) - let's just say if the phone doesn't ring, I know who's not calling. *pulls covers back over head* It's an awful long drop from "A-list" to "Who-list".

    On a much, much, much better note - I got two tickets to paradise....okay, two tickets to Vegas - Hard Rock Cafe this weekend. Anyone wanna guess who might be performing? Oh yeah, baybay.

  10. #70
    Scrappy Spartan Broadway's Avatar
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    Uh oh... didn't go well, JD??? This guy was just one of those proverbial toads. Better luck next time!
    Never let the things you want make you forget about the things you have.

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