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Thread: Relationship Challenged

  1. #611
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    A big rolling thank you to all of you ....relationship issues are never easy so I appreciate the additional insight, particularly in a situation I have never found myself involved with before.

    After I posted yesterday, I decided to let it all go and just totally stop thinking about it....we have really had a great relationship so far and I'm going to place stock in that as opposed to letting a third party get in the way of that. This was never about wanting to change him, his friends, etc....it was also never about jealousy....after being through hell and back in my past relationship, feeling respect is a huge deal for me and it's cut and dry...if I don't feel it, I'm walking away...if I was insecure, I would stay and nag and tolerate being co-dependent and deplete my own self esteem and drive myself crazy. But that was then, this is now and I have a new life now.

    I did tell my BF last night that while this type of closely knit group is foreign to me in the way they all seem to trade around and they all know each other's business, I told him that it was important to me as a newcomer to fit into his life (acceptance is also a big deal for us both), I'm trying, I know he cares, etc. And really, for the most part, I feel very welcomed into the group...these two in particular however by their actions, caused me to pause for a moment.

    Anyway, it's over and we settled the issue as any normal sane person would do...margaritas and a water fight.


    CallieCutie-I just wanted to say....this is not your fault and I'm so sorry that you experienced that situation...however, I am glad to hear that as JoeGuy said, there wasn't more time and intimacy invested than what you have stated. I know that might not make it feel any better, but be thankful you found out sooner than later.
    A Bachelor fan til it dies a slow death and oddly enough, A Rock of Love fan...finest hair extensions from Europe and all. ;-)

  2. #612
    Obama '08! Callie's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by joeguy
    CallieCutie please tell me how you could know someone for so long and not know he is married? I don't wear a ring at work because of my job. good way to get it crushed and lose the finger, so when i talk to new women I meet at work I usually say in the first few sitdowns theI am married or mrntion something to deal with "she who must be obeyed but gives no money to the checking account" so that they know, now I do have some close friends but they do know. I think he wanted to "play" but maybe saw you were too sweet to hurt and decided to come clean.
    So long? It was a month that I knew him... Not long enough for me to feel comfortable to have a sexual relationship with either. I'm glad he atleast came clean though... he's tried contacting me since he's told me, and I've just told him "you need some major therapy, boy" and hung up on him...

    My pathetic love life

  3. #613
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    Quote Originally Posted by CallieCutie
    So long? It was a month that I knew him..
    well, a month is a long time to me, but then again I am not sure how many dates you went on.........so........I was useing a generality, sorry if it seemed like I jumped on you. but still how did he manage not to mention it? sneeky, just too sneeky

  4. #614
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    Quote Originally Posted by CallieCutie
    Then it comes (doesn't it always?) He told me we had to "talk". He said he's sorry for all the hurt he's about to endure on me. He said he's married and has 2 daughters.. and he's been married for 6 years. Ugh! I can't believe this... I'm so confused too. I mean you think he would of been shady, but he wasn't! At all! We spent alot of nights together (non-sexual... which I'm thankful for now) and weekends, and when we weren't able to hang out, he'd call me? I'm so lost. I was always under the assumtion that married men act "shady". Which wasn't the case.

    So now... I'm feeling horrible again because I've gotten hurt AGAIN, after I invested feelings, which I never do. Plus... I feel like a home-wrecker, which I'm feeling HORRIBLE about. I have been debating going to confession at church, even though I know none of this is my fault, he never told me he was married. And my best friend (I know she's just kidding) called me a home wrecker, and I just broke down crying.
    You know what? He was shady. Completely shady, and and a creep besides. He lied to you and he lied to his wife and kids. He lived that lie every single day, and is most likely still living that lie with his wife. I'm so sorry he hurt you.

    My ex-husband "seemed" like a great guy, not shady at all, and I trusted him 100 percent. After we split up (separated but not yet annulled), he decided to come clean with me. I don't know why he felt compelled to do so...and I wish he hadn't. Anyway, during our marriage he dated the entire time. Even before we married. He was "with" two other women the week we got married. He actually had one full-time girlfriend - completely assimilated and was accepted into her family - until she started asking questions. So he dumped her, no explanation. There were at least ten other women he dated and slept with (some were just one-night-stands, others were short relationships). Again, I had no idea, not even a suspicion. Because of his job (attorney), his hours were skewed anyway, and I just assumed he was telling the truth when he told me he was working late. This was over the course of about five years. Of course, looking back, there were so many signs, I can't believe I missed them.

    When I asked him for details about these other women, he said he didn't tell any of them he was married. These women, like you, were NOT home-wreckers!!!! They were used and lied to and tricked by the shadiest of shady. I felt nothing but sympathy and empathy for them, they didn't wreck my home, HE did. Please don't blame yourself. I would hate for any of my ex's "victims" to blame themselves for his antics.

    Cheaters cheat. They don't change - if he cheated on his current wife, he would have cheated on you. Good riddance.

  5. #615
    Obama '08! Callie's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by joeguy
    well, a month is a long time to me, but then again I am not sure how many dates you went on.........so........I was useing a generality, sorry if it seemed like I jumped on you. but still how did he manage not to mention it? sneeky, just too sneeky
    He didn't! We even had talks about ex's.. and he said his last one really hurt him alot but he's over it now and friends with her. He wore no ring, said he lived by himself with his dog and cat, and talked about his ex-girlfriend. What else was I suppose to think?

  6. #616
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    Quote Originally Posted by CallieCutie
    So now... I'm feeling horrible again because I've gotten hurt AGAIN, after I invested feelings, which I never do. Plus... I feel like a home-wrecker, which I'm feeling HORRIBLE about. I have been debating going to confession at church, even though I know none of this is my fault, he never told me he was married. And my best friend (I know she's just kidding) called me a home wrecker, and I just broke down crying.
    Don't beat yourself up too much sweetie, he was definitely shady... only a shady creep would have his act down so well that he could appear to be a good guy. HE is the home wrecker, not you, so hang in there.

  7. #617
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    Quote Originally Posted by CallieCutie
    He didn't! We even had talks about ex's.. and he said his last one really hurt him alot but he's over it now and friends with her. He wore no ring, said he lived by himself with his dog and cat, and talked about his ex-girlfriend. What else was I suppose to think?
    I completely understand. This has happened to me before and I was fooled for longer than a month. In my case he offered the information that he was single before I asked (being naive, I've always assumed that if a guy is asking me out of course he's single... )

    He gave me some song and dance about not giving me his home number because he had been stalked before and when I pointed out that giving me his work number was just as bad he acted like I was threatening him. I finally figured it out because I noticed that he was only available to do things on his terms- if I asked him to do something in the evening he would agree and then later cancel with an excuse ("oh, honey, I am so sorry, it's been unbelievably busy here...") Oh yeah, he also called me honey or sweetie all the time- in retrospect I'm sure it was to keep from mixing up the names of all his women.

    To top it off, when I became suspicious and told him I was breaking it off because I thought he was married, he LIED and AGAIN turned it all around on me and said he wouldn't give me his home number because he had concerns. Maybe this part should go in the Pet Peeves forum, but it REALLY ticks me off when someone accuses me falsely because they are trying to hide something.

    Anyway, joeguy, I think because you are a decent guy who wouldn't do something like that, you may not understand the mentality of someone that would purposely set out to deceive. Also, unless this has happened to you, it's very easy to let "signs" slide because it's not your nature to suspect that someone is engaging in such blatant dishonesty. Sure, in retrospect all of the signs were there, but I just had never had someone lie to me like that. And in CallieCutie's case, with him spending the night, I would be even less likely to suspect anything. I appreciate it so much when I meet guys like you who mention their wives or girlfriends up front. Nothing is more sexy than a man in love with his wife.

  8. #618
    Obama '08! Callie's Avatar
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    JenniferInCO atleast you had signs, like not giving you his home number. This guy gave me his cell phone number and said he didn't have a home number because he didn't need it because he had his cell (which I have alot of friends who do that).

  9. #619
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    Quote Originally Posted by CallieCutie
    JenniferInCO atleast you had signs, like not giving you his home number. This guy gave me his cell phone number and said he didn't have a home number because he didn't need it because he had his cell (which I have alot of friends who do that).
    Yeah, I know. I was stupid.

  10. #620
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    Quote Originally Posted by JenniferInCO
    Yeah, I know. I was stupid.

    Please don't think that. These guys are good at what they do, some of them have a lot of practice under their belts and have perfected their hobby. You weren't stupid. Don't let anyone tell you that you are or were. It breaks my heart that you think you were in any way responsible for this calamity. And just think, maybe sharing your story will help the next woman know what to look for in one of these men and save her the heartache you have gone through.

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