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Thread: Relationship Challenged

  1. #601
    MIA, RIP, or Busy...
    Join Date
    Sep 2003
    Oh, and I should add, I'd really very much appreciate a guy's perspective...any girl friends I have asked about the situation tell me I'm totally within my rights to be concerned.

    One guy friend I have thinks my BF may not be 100% comfortable transitioning from single life to relationship life....but hello, if I'm going to be in this, we have to be in this together.....
    A Bachelor fan til it dies a slow death and oddly enough, A Rock of Love fan...finest hair extensions from Europe and all. ;-)

  2. #602
    I don't know if this will help, but I have a close relationship with my exes and consider them close friends. I am also okay with their new girlfriends, who are very nice (hey, they had taste enough to go out with me!). However, you have to remember that there is always a reason why they are exes. You boyfriend would probably not want to go out with them again, as I am sure my exes wouldn't want to go out with me again, even though we are friends. I guess it depends on how much you trust your boyfriend, and what you think of the exes. If everyone are nice, sane people, I wouldn't worry too much.

  3. #603
    Wonky snarkmistress Lucy's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2003
    Playing kickball for the beer
    Igotaproblem, it sounds like your idea of boundaries and his idea of boundaries are two different things. Perhaps because he *knows* nothing is going on with these women, he feels like you should automatically know it too. It's a tough situation because you DO NOT want to seem insecure and naggy and clingy, but at the same time, as you said, you want to feel respected and not let things get out of hand.
    But it also sounds like he's one of those guys that just has a lot of female friends, and probably doesn't see why he should change his behavior towards them. If these women are acknowledging your existence and if their behavior now is the same as it was before you hit the scene, I'd say let it ride for a bit. From what you said it sounds like you've already told him what your feelings and your ideas of boundaries are. I think at this point there's really not a lot more that you can do. So if I were you, I'd hold my tongue and see what happens.
    It's such a fine line between stupid, and clever. -- David St. Hubbins

  4. #604
    Obama '08! Callie's Avatar
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    Apr 2005
    La La Land
    Quote Originally Posted by Yellow Apple
    I usually just make a smartass remark like: "If I knew why, then I wouldn't be not married, would I?" That usually leaves them scratching their heads trying to figure out what the hell I just said.

    I keep hearing that girls like older men, etc, but where's the proof (now I sound like a durg addict)?

    I like myself more than I used to, but obviously not as much as I should. It's a process, though. Maybe one day I'll grow up...

    ... but probably not.

    Oh, and I like the amnesia line, Igotareallygoodcomeback. I may have to use that one myself...

    I'm not really "looking" for a relationship, but if one comes by then I'll take it. That's really the one thing that I don't have. I have a decent job, I'm not in prison, not a drug addict, and not dead. So overall I'm doing alright. But there's still one thing missing. For now I am just trying to enjoy life as much as I can at the moment. Not always totally successful, but eh... that's life.
    Don't fret (sp?) about it... Granted I don't know you, but you should like a good catch. Everything I look for atleast...

    As for my bad relationships... I was dating this guy for about a month, and nothing SERIOUS, but it wasn't casual either. It took alot for me to invest feelings and emotions into him, and I finally did. And I felt great! I haven't had feelings like this for a guy in awhile (since my ex-fiancee). Made me feel like a "person" again cause I had emotions and feelings. Everything seemed great... we spent alot of time together, we started off as friends and worked into the relationship part of it, we would hang out at nights and on weekends..

    Then it comes (doesn't it always?) He told me we had to "talk". He said he's sorry for all the hurt he's about to endure on me. He said he's married and has 2 daughters.. and he's been married for 6 years. Ugh! I can't believe this... I'm so confused too. I mean you think he would of been shady, but he wasn't! At all! We spent alot of nights together (non-sexual... which I'm thankful for now) and weekends, and when we weren't able to hang out, he'd call me? I'm so lost. I was always under the assumtion that married men act "shady". Which wasn't the case.

    So now... I'm feeling horrible again because I've gotten hurt AGAIN, after I invested feelings, which I never do. Plus... I feel like a home-wrecker, which I'm feeling HORRIBLE about. I have been debating going to confession at church, even though I know none of this is my fault, he never told me he was married. And my best friend (I know she's just kidding) called me a home wrecker, and I just broke down crying.

  5. #605
    Nevermind Lotuslander's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2004
    Lotusland of course
    Yellow Apple, where are you living that 29 is too old to be single, a log cabin in the Appalachians with the cast of Deliverance? Nobody is going to want to get involved with you if your unhappiness about being single is so apparent, way too much responsibility for another person. People like to be around content, happy, fun people who are enjoying their lives regardless of their relationship status. Honey attracts way more flies than vinegar, and your salad's soaking in it. Chance are, you'll eventually marry, so enjoy the time you have left.

    Church lady girl,
    Your relationship sounds just like one many gay guys have, incestuous, close knit and way too many ex-boyfriends knocking around. How can he be vague about breaking up with someone, is that like closing the door but not locking it? I sleep better at night with the deadbolt on, at least for the first 2 years.

  6. #606
    JR. is offline
    Drummer / Model JR.'s Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2002
    42 22' N 71 2' W
    Quote Originally Posted by Igotalife

    One guy friend I have thinks my BF may not be 100% comfortable transitioning from single life to relationship life....but hello, if I'm going to be in this, we have to be in this together.....
    Did you say this to him? Explain how you feel without nagging or getting all emotional, he might not realize how it bothers you.

  7. #607
    Igotacrazyrelationshipgoing... . trust me, he doesn't see it as you do, to him its probly the normal way and you have to fit in. If they have all known each other for years thats gonna be hard, plus he probly sees them as friends and not sleep overs. Sit down and talk to him, tell him your trying to fit in and understand the way he sees his life with his friends and your trying to fir in, but it would help if he can see it from your side too. ( a side note, seen your pic, your a babe deluxe, they must be models for you to worry so much)

    CallieCutie please tell me how you could know someone for so long and not know he is married? I don't wear a ring at work because of my job. good way to get it crushed and lose the finger, so when i talk to new women I meet at work I usually say in the first few sitdowns theI am married or mrntion something to deal with "she who must be obeyed but gives no money to the checking account" so that they know, now I do have some close friends but they do know. I think he wanted to "play" but maybe saw you were too sweet to hurt and decided to come clean.

  8. #608
    Quote Originally Posted by Yellow Apple
    A couple of male perspectives. Excellent. Not that the advice from the ladies was bad, but it's always nice to know I'm not the only guy who has struggled with this. I know I'm not, but it feels like I am sometimes. Especially when almost every other guy I know close to my age is married or has a girlfriend.

    I'm sure I'll end up at a club or a party somewhere this weekend, so I'll have to try the new techniques and see if they work.

    Failing that, there's always the ol' match.com, I guess. Though the eharmony thing didn't work out too well, so I'm a little wary of trying the online thing again. But I'm not ruling anything out at this point. Have to keep all options open...
    Ya, don't be in a hurry, is you go to a club just kick backa nd remain alouff. they will get interested in you since you don't seem to be hounding them.

  9. #609
    An innocent bystander nlmcp's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2002
    The mitten state
    Quote Originally Posted by Igotalife
    He also has this other female friend that he has traveled with, done fun things with, but no romantic spark there although there was a time when the questions were raised to see if there was a spark. She wanted to go boating with him the other day alone; she also called him while we were at a party Saturday night and asked "where are you?" MY BF doesn't see anything wrong with this all....there's not, on a lot of the surface, but I'm not one to sit passively by and allow a train wreck to occur either.

    Anyone had a situation like this????
    Yeah. I sure have. Of course I'm divorcing the guy, but not for this reason. My ex husband has tons of female friends, always has. His closest ffemale friend is from jr high. When we were first dating this came up a few times that she wanted to see him alone. I figured then, as I figure now, if they wanted each other, they either would have done it before or nothing was going to stop them. So nothing I did would stop it, it would just make me look jealous or mean spirtied.

    They were just good friends and like all good friends now and then like the time alone to talk. She is still a good friend of his (although that may be strained since she commented to him, that I had lasted longer married to him then she would have). I talked with her now and then plus went out with them at times but her main friendship has been with my ex. He has several other female friends, some ex girlfriends who stayed close, others just females he has known over the years. There have been only one or two that have caused some concern and those are the ones who never want me invovled and if I am there totally froze me out. But they never seem to last long around. The other females, again they aren't my friends but they chat with me, we were social but they are my husband's friends.

    In many ways his female friends have been his better friends in being more supportive of him during some of his worse times.

    If I were you, I wouldn't be too worried unless you are always being cut out of every situation with the female friends. Then I would worry.
    I could go east, I could go west, it was all up to me to decide. Just then I saw a young hawk flyin' and my soul began to rise. ~Bob Seger

  10. #610
    From the corner of my eye Jewelsy's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2003
    in the middle of the Monsoons
    Quote Originally Posted by joeguy
    ...so when i talk to new women I meet at work I usually say in the first few sitdowns theI am married or mrntion something to deal with "she who must be obeyed but gives no money to the checking account" ...
    Too funny Joe.

    IgotaHUGEheart -- you know how I feel, Sweetie.
    "Among the blind, the squinter rules." ~ Gerard Didier Erasmus

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