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Thread: Relationship Challenged

  1. #561
    Organizing my sock drawer RBmumsie's Avatar
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    Hi Nancy,

    Ok, I hope I'm not out of line here - never been in this particular thread, but...how can I say this tactfully - I've been around the block a few times, relationship-wise. So, I'll slide my 2 cents over and you can accept it or just skip over it.

    First of all, sorry about the divorce. No matter how badly you want out of a marriage, it still hurts. If you don't have any children - count yourself lucky. If you DO have children together - just realize that your marriage will NOT be over until those kids are grown (and not even then, but it gets easier).

    As for this friend of yours that you're having lunch with that "forgot" your birthday and then tried to lie about having sent flowers. Well, Nancy - it does ring all sorts of passive/aggressive bells. Being late, neglecting to confirm a date, forgeting important dates, trying to lie your way out of a situation - bottom line is that YOU aren't important enough for him to make an effort. Sad but true. And right now you have no control over the situation. (Don't get me wrong, he's probably a nice guy, but we're thinking about NANCY here). My recommendation? Back off a little. Don't call him, if he wants to have lunch, he knows your number. Don't mention your birthday again, in fact AVOID the subject. Then go out an get yourself a whacking good massage or facial. YOU need to take care of YOU. If you let 'em, men will spin you up so fast that you'll get whiplash.

    One last thing - all my experience boiled into one sentence. The ONLY qualities required in a mate are generosity and integrity. Think about it - everything else is affected by those two traits.
    Well-Behaved Women Seldom Make History...Laurel Thatcher Ulrich

  2. #562
    Bitten Critical's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by RBmumsie
    Hi Nancy,

    Ok, I hope I'm not out of line here - never been in this particular thread, but...how can I say this tactfully - I've been around the block a few times, relationship-wise. So, I'll slide my 2 cents over and you can accept it or just skip over it.

    First of all, sorry about the divorce. No matter how badly you want out of a marriage, it still hurts. If you don't have any children - count yourself lucky. If you DO have children together - just realize that your marriage will NOT be over until those kids are grown (and not even then, but it gets easier).

    As for this friend of yours that you're having lunch with that "forgot" your birthday and then tried to lie about having sent flowers. Well, Nancy - it does ring all sorts of passive/aggressive bells. Being late, neglecting to confirm a date, forgeting important dates, trying to lie your way out of a situation - bottom line is that YOU aren't important enough for him to make an effort. Sad but true. And right now you have no control over the situation. (Don't get me wrong, he's probably a nice guy, but we're thinking about NANCY here). My recommendation? Back off a little. Don't call him, if he wants to have lunch, he knows your number. Don't mention your birthday again, in fact AVOID the subject. Then go out an get yourself a whacking good massage or facial. YOU need to take care of YOU. If you let 'em, men will spin you up so fast that you'll get whiplash.

    One last thing - all my experience boiled into one sentence. The ONLY qualities required in a mate are generosity and integrity. Think about it - everything else is affected by those two traits.
    Can I just say "amen" and

    Nancy, if this is the way this man is behaving when he's "actively campaigning" to move your relationship to the next level, then I'd say his technique leaves a lot to be desired. This is the time (that if he's really wanting to not just be your friend) when he should be pulling out all the stops and showing you how interested he is. You (and all women) deserve to be given the Queen for a Day treatment on your birthday - flowers, a great lunch, the works. All this guy says is he forgot and then lies about buying you flowers? I'd say forget it. If this is what he does now, it's not going to get better once he's "caught" you and you're in a relationship with him. I'll say "ditto" to RBmumsie's advice and back off.

    To paraphrase Maya Angelou: When someone shows you who they are, believe them!

    You're going through enough stress and you definitely don't need this adding to it. I'll also "ditto" all the wishes from everyone else about your divorce.
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  3. #563
    An innocent bystander nlmcp's Avatar
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    Well, we will just have to see what happens. We are in a "no man's land" of not really dating but still friends. But, he brought it up and it opened up a new can of worms and now we both have different expectations of what is going on.

    We have talked on the phone a few times since, I gave him a ride to go get his car from thee mechiacs. He gave me an extra coffee maker that was laying around his place for when my stbx moves out.

    As for the divorce. Well, my stbx finally signed the papers yesterday. To make a long story short he refused to sign the final paperwork for the last month because he felt the language in the area about me getting a mortagage wasn't firm enough and wasn't what was agreed upon in court. My attorney, me, and his attorney all recall what was in the degree. Well some fireworks, passive aggressive actions, demands, threats of firing attornies etc passed. I guess he signed the paperwork that was slightly changed yesterday, which was the last day that the degree was still good. He is upset that my attorney tossed in some language that was favourable to me (wow, how amazing that my attorney was looking out for my interests) but he had refused to have his attorney write up what he wanted because he didn't want to spend the money to have it done. Through the grapevine I'm hearing that he feels if I can't remortage the house, he should be able to pay it out from me and then he would have custody of the children. Which is sort of backward, as custody of the children and owning of this house are only linked in his mind. But, I think it will be done this week. He is sopposed to move out June 1 but for the summer we are doing a 'nesting' type of thing that the kids stay in the home and he and I move in and out. To keep the kids on their turf for the summer.

    Ought to be interesting.
    I could go east, I could go west, it was all up to me to decide. Just then I saw a young hawk flyin' and my soul began to rise. ~Bob Seger

  4. #564
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    That's a great step in the right direction Nancy! Hopefully your final court date will arrive soon and when the judge signs off, let us know so we can all have a mini-celebration in your honor.
    A Bachelor fan til it dies a slow death and oddly enough, A Rock of Love fan...finest hair extensions from Europe and all. ;-)

  5. #565
    So Far Away Yellow Apple's Avatar
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    As a single, quiet, somewhat awkward dude when it comes to relationships, I'd love it if a girl asked me out. Sadly, they never do, yet I hear stories from the murky depths of legend that speak of such a thing happening. So either the tales are completely bogus, or girls are just not interested in me (my money is on #2).

    I'm still doing that dating service thing, but nothing has come of it yet. Been on a few dates, but nobody has really been impressed with me. I guess I've been out of the game too long and have to relearn the rules. I'm really beginning to think that I'm just not meant to be in a relationship. And oddly enough, I'm beginning to accept that fact without a problem...
    R.I.P Willie Dog (?/?/1989-12/17/2004). Gone but never forgotten.

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  6. #566
    hellooooooo sher's Avatar
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    yellow apple, can i give you a tiny piece of advice? one thing that women find most unattractive is when a man lacks self confidence. if you could find it in yourself to make yourself realize that you are worth something, then that confidence could show through, making your more appealing to your dates.

  7. #567
    So Far Away Yellow Apple's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by sher
    yellow apple, can i give you a tiny piece of advice? one thing that women find most unattractive is when a man lacks self confidence. if you could find it in yourself to make yourself realize that you are worth something, then that confidence could show through, making your more appealing to your dates.
    I hear that a lot, and I've been trying to work on that for years. But for me it's a cycle. Unfortunately, there is a bit of a negative stigma in our society for a guy who's late my age and still single. I have been asked by girls "What's wrong with you?" because I'm 29 and not married yet. No girlfriend = no confidence. No confidence = no girlfriend. Round and round we go, and where it stops, nobody knows (20 bucks on black).

    I never have been one to brag on myself, and I always have found guys like that annoying.
    R.I.P Willie Dog (?/?/1989-12/17/2004). Gone but never forgotten.

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  8. #568
    Come Along, Pond phat32's Avatar
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    Who are these people that ask why you aren't married? That's a rude question to put to anyone, man or woman. I'm 31, and I'm not married. Of course, I'm in a committed relationship, but I'm getting just a wee bit tired of people asking me or her, "So...when are y'all getting married?" Frankly, it's none of their business, and I've started brushing the questions aside.
    "...Every life is a pile of good things and bad things. The good things donít always soften the bad things, but...the bad things donít always spoil the good things." - The Doctor

  9. #569
    hellooooooo sher's Avatar
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    yellow apple, you don't have to brag to exude confidence. it's a state of mind. if you have to state all of your good qualities, then you're still lacking self confidence. plus, you look like a jerk.

    maybe therapy would help.

  10. #570
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    I'm such a busy body in this thread , but I would agree with Sher YA...lack of self-confidence and only because I'm goofy, what I'll call the Eeyore syndrome, is all a turn off. Being positive and upbeat anything is better than "poor me/nobody likes me".

    Confidence does not have to equal arrogance. You don't even have to brag about yourself to show confidence. Talk about things you enjoy or are good at and confidence naturally flows from that because it's comfortable to you and it's easy to talk about things that we are comfortable with.

    As far as the age thing, I believe we've already hashed that out up thread...older and unmarried as you say is a lot more prevalent nowadays (29 is NOT old by the way, if it is, I might be your grandma or something )....if it really bothers you, just come up with the canned explanation when asked why are you single....for example "buried myself in school/career/suffered amnesia in my early 20's and finally decided to begin looking" scenario. There are ALL sorts of reasons nowadays that people put off marriage/serious relationships which is actually very smart!!!!!

    ETA: I agree with Phat too...it really isn't anyone's business, but people are very guilty of stereotyping and making assumptions so if you feel you must provide explanation, come up with a canned response...quick witted comebacks sometimes do wonders for shutting people up too!
    Last edited by Igotalife; 05-18-2005 at 02:32 PM.
    A Bachelor fan til it dies a slow death and oddly enough, A Rock of Love fan...finest hair extensions from Europe and all. ;-)

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