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Thread: Relationship Challenged

  1. #551
    JR.
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    Drummer / Model JR.'s Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by JenniferInCO
    Okay, since you brought it up I'd really like a guys opinion. There is a man I work with who I am very interested in and he has in the past acted interested in my as well (stopping by "just to say hello", calling to ask something he could have found out another way, etc.), but he never asked me out. On the one hand, I have friends who think it's because we work together and it might make it uncomfortable, but on the other hand we have that stupid "just not that into you" book that tells me he would ask me out if he were interested.

    After a few years of working together should I just give up, or go for it? And if I go for it, do you think I should have another job lined up just in case...
    I say got for it. What's the worst that can happen? Maybe he felt that you weren't interested before, so he didn't ask. Unless your work has a policy that doesn't allow employees dating, I wouldn't worry too much about that.

  2. #552
    Trouble in my life just1paul's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Matt64
    Callie Cutie: Well.. I'm not really looking for long distance. He's nice and whatever.. but we really don't know each other that well. It's like going on vacation and meeting some guy who's lots of fun.. but afterward.. when you go home.. that's it. U know?

    Gabriel: Yup.. exactly.. although I'm now in a new city.. so bars are fun again.
    *looks over at Matt64* :phhht :phhht
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    Petula Clark: You know they say you can't buy happiness.
    Dean Martin: No but you can pour it..

  3. #553
    Not caring is fun! Matt64's Avatar
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    What'd I do? *innocent*

  4. #554
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    Quote Originally Posted by JR.
    I say got for it. What's the worst that can happen? Maybe he felt that you weren't interested before, so he didn't ask. Unless your work has a policy that doesn't allow employees dating, I wouldn't worry too much about that.
    Well, the worst that can happen is that he'll spread the word and I'll be the laughingstock of the office. No, I wouldn't care about him if I thought he would do that, but I guess I'm worried it will strain our working relationship- which is already a little strained because of my feelings for him.

    Seriously, thank you for the advice. I'll let you know if I get the nerve...

  5. #555
    An innocent bystander nlmcp's Avatar
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    Ok. I did pm Unklescott about this one, but I'm curious for a wider feedback.

    I'm still not divorced. (In fact my soon to be ex has threatened to trash the whole thing and get a new lawyer) But I have been going out to lunch with a guy I have known for years. He would like to date but my attorney and everyone else says it's not a good idea, so it's just been lunch.

    The Friday before my birthday this guy and I get into a mini disagreement when I make a comment about my birthday coming up but he will most likely forget it. (He's the type if it isn't written down, he tends to forget) He gets upset with me declaring that he knows when my birthday is, he knows it's important to me and it's important to him that he do something nice for me because I need to have something nice done for me. Makes a comment about flowers and lunch. Monday we talk, we are on for lunch on my Birthday know what place but time is loose. Tuesday, e-mail, we know the place, time is still loose (I should say I wasn't able to pin down a time) Wednesday (my birthday), I can't get ahold of him, he doesn't answer the phone, he doesn't respond to e-mail. Normally when we are doing lunch even if we have an exact time, he calls to confirm. No call. (no flowers either but that was an outside chance as far as I was concerned) Meanwhile I'm having the day from h*ll between work and my husband, his lawyer, my lawer and me going around on the phones.

    I finally get ahold of him very late in the day. He had a headache and forgot, shut off all his phones and laid down. At first he made a comment that he didn't forget at all, he had sent flowers. At which point I said "don't lie, you may have meant to send flowers but you forgot that too" so he backed down from that. So, he did apologise repeatly but I'm still annoyed. He also seemed to get why I was annoyed.

    Why am I annoyed? I guess because he had made a big deal of that he wouldn't forgot, how dare I assume he would forget. If we had not had the mini arguement on Friday, and he just forgot on Wednesday, I would have just shrugged my sholders and had no expectations. But, he made a big deal about it and forgot anyway. In a way it is a move worthy of my almost ex husband except that his forgeting would have been my fault because he would have become so depressed over my thinking he would have forgotten he would have been unable to do anything. So, that didn't happen but still.

    So, I just don't know what to do at this point. Haven't reschuduled lunch, have talked on the phone. Told him what was going on divorcewise to which he started to comment "you need to have someone do something nice for you..." I told him to just stop.

    My other thought is, I have no clue how mad I should be. In my marriage I was not 'allowed' to be mad. (as dumb as that sounds) There was always a reason for what happened, mostly that it was my fault. How could I be mad at someone who was so depressed or so annoyed or so upset because I was a lousy wife that he didn't couldn't or wouldn't do something. If I was better, well he would be better. Well, I bought into that load of bs but now I'm clueless. I know killing the guy is out of line but I don't feel like shrugging my shoulders and saying "that's ok"

    So any comments? Words of wisdom?
    I could go east, I could go west, it was all up to me to decide. Just then I saw a young hawk flyin' and my soul began to rise. ~Bob Seger

  6. #556
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    Wow Nancy, that's a big ol' load of stuff!

    First, the issue with the divorce has to be wearing on you. I hope and pray you can resolve that...it is extremely difficult to move on with your life when wounds remain open.

    Just being an armchair quarterback, your situation and how you described it makes it seem as though the initial strike of the argument that ensued may have come from your first comment...
    I get into a mini disagreement when I make a comment about my birthday coming up but he will most likely forget it
    It may have put him on the defensive a little and in a passive/aggressive way, he responded exactly as you expected him to because he may have felt he didn't really have a chance to do differently.

    Based on how your marriage went (as far as everything was made to be your fault), it made me wonder if this is your way of "testing the waters" a little bit as to how people will respond to you now. Maybe in your marriage you were accustomed to being disappointed; maybe your husband never did anything nice for you unexpectedly and this is your auto-response right now...doesn't mean it will always be that way. With time and distance from your present stress (the pending divorce), you will start to learn more about who "you" are and what "you" need.

    It is so hard when we meet someone for the first time not to compare them to what we had before or immediately begin processing in our brains how they need to change. But you can move beyond that.....as you know I've been in your shoes....in one word I can describe what I now seek in any relationship..."acceptance"....you don't change me, I won't change you....if you like me great, if you don't, there's someone else for me.

    I'd give the guy another chance if you really like him. Sorry for rambling...I'm always sympathetic to relationship issues because they are so friggin complicated sometimes...

    Good luck!
    A Bachelor fan til it dies a slow death and oddly enough, A Rock of Love fan...finest hair extensions from Europe and all. ;-)

  7. #557
    An innocent bystander nlmcp's Avatar
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    Yikes, if it turns out to be a passive agressive thing, I'm so out of here. I've had enough of that to last a life time.

    Actually it's a very weird situation as this is someone I've known since I was 16 and even dated on and off when a teen and as an adult have been pretty good friends with at times. So, on one hand we know each other pretty well. On the other hand we don't. Normally I would not expect him to remember my birthday, every now and then over the years he may have sent a card or called, but now he is (for lack of a better word) actively campigoning to move our relationship to a different type. So I am in a situation where I don't know what to expect. Male friend= no card and maybe a "oh it was your birthday "comment 2 days later. Guy who wants to go out is making a point that he is different and made a fuss about my birthday coming up, well a phone call would have been nice.

    We have talked on the phone. I did tell him I was no longer angry at him but I was still annoyed. His response, "I can handle annoyed and understand that"

    Now, if I can just get this divorce done. I can't believe this is dragging on. But I guess that is a different thread.
    I could go east, I could go west, it was all up to me to decide. Just then I saw a young hawk flyin' and my soul began to rise. ~Bob Seger

  8. #558
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    Nancy, I tend to agree w/Igotalife. What I'm reading is that you're frustrated w/the divorce not going through (and I can attest to the frustration). You need to start the new chapter. I can understand not wanting to start a new relationship yet, and maybe your new guy was trying to keep in those guidelines and that's why he didn't contact you for your birthday. (By the way, Happy Birthday!) But maybe the new guy is clueless about what your expectations really are. I say, for as long as your divorce process has been going, maybe a dinner is not out of line. Since it is your soon to be ex who is hanging up the end by switching lawyers now.

  9. #559
    The new me! Feifer's Avatar
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    Nancy, My wish for you is that the divorce will wrap up swiftly with no tangles and that this man will evolve into your safe place to fall, or a new one will sweep you of your feet. Everyone needs a safe place to fall where they get away from the drama. The people that you love in your life do not need to create more drama or you.
    It occurred to me that no matter how bleak things might seem at times, at least I have a head. ----Stargazer

  10. #560
    Premium Member Yeti Long Shot: Porpoheus Champion
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    Nancy, I sure hope the divorce resolves itself with no more trouble and hassles. You seem to be frazzled by it and worn down by "him". I'm sorry - I wouldn't wish any of that on anyone.

    I rarely give advice, especially unsolicited, but I'm going to have to disagree with the dating thing. Until the judge signs the final decree, you are married, no matter how long that takes. (My divorce action lasted over two years from separation to judgment.) Of course, my husband dated the entire time (well, he began dating the week before we got married, unbeknownst to me...but I digress) - and all it did was fuel the fire and make things uglier than they already were. I think we should finish one before beginning the next. JMO

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