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Thread: Relationship Challenged

  1. #2831
    Nagasaki inthegarden's Avatar
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    Re: Relationship Challenged

    Take your time... great advice... get to know who you are, be a whole not a half, learn from your mistakes, be friends for awhile. Just enjoy being a Mom, your own best friend, and someone will find you.

  2. #2832
    FORT Fogey Ellen's Avatar
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    Re: Relationship Challenged


    I started dating the guy whom I eventually married (to whom I'm still married -- goin' on 16 years) when, at age 35/36, decided that I really enjoyed being single and free, and wouldn't mind staying that way.
    PGM35 likes this.
    "There's no crying in baseball!"
    -- Tom Hanks, A League of Their Own

  3. #2833
    PWS
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    Re: Relationship Challenged

    Quote Originally Posted by inthegarden;3926117;
    Take your time... great advice... get to know who you are, be a whole not a half, learn from your mistakes, be friends for awhile. Just enjoy being a Mom, your own best friend, and someone will find you.
    Or better yet, you will find each other....

  4. #2834
    FORT Fogey PGM35's Avatar
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    Re: Relationship Challenged

    I went back to relationship challenged to find where this happened back in 2007. So I was considering the issues and leaving back then. Now here we are 9 years later. SMH

    I copied some of the posts that resonated with me then and now.
    Quote Originally Posted by DesertRose View Post
    Famita, I pay the bills in the house (with both our money) and I'm not happy about it, but I also know that my husband does things in the house that he prefers not doing. However, he's better at doing those things and I'm better at keeping track of bills (barely). It's called compromising.

    Sometimes it's ok to just be ok with the status quo because the good outweights the bad. PGM obviously only gave us the bad of the relationship, but she has mentionned several times that there is a lot of good in it.
    Quote Originally Posted by Lois Lane;1920295;

    Quote Originally Posted by PGM35;1920263;

    Does anyone have or had any problems/issues with their husbands/boyfriends/significant other/etc. with porn, videos, magazines, internet? Just thought I'd ask. I know and understand that everyone has fantasies, and everyone has "time to themselves", etc., but just wondered if anyone has had any experience with "too much" or where it's caused problems in the relationship. I don't want everyone to think that I have a problem or that my b/f does but wanted to find out what the "signs" were and if I should be worried or what. Thanks in advance.

    Hey PGM35, I think "too much" is when it begins to bother you. There surely are obvious signs for the hardcore porn addicts (not willing to leave the house because they want to download porn, having only porn magazines around the house, only being able to perform while watching porn)... Er. (I'm not speaking from personal experience!) Then there are guys who'll thumb through a Playboy or watch a X-rated video on occasion. But I suspect that it bothering you makes whatever he does "too much," and maybe you need to talk to him about it.

    A long time ago I dated a guy who smoked pot on a regular basis. I don't smoke pot and it reallly bothered me that he needed to smoke. To me, that was too much. To some of my friends, they thought I was being too rigid. My point is that regardless of what was considered the norm or "too much," it was too much for me and made me uncomfortable.
    Quote Originally Posted by PGM35;1920433;

    Thanks for the responses. I don't think I'm a prude and have occasionally indulged in videos/movies/magazines myself. I think I have a healthy attitude toward porn in general. I was just beginning to wonder if and when it becomes an issue is all. He kind of started out (well probably not really started but it was when I noticed it) on the internet. Not pay sites but the free pics of models, etc. I had a problem with it. Mainly because some of these were real women posing from their bedrooms with links to communicate with them. Or that is what I thought anyway. So, I tell him that I don't like it and would rather not have him using my computer to do that. That was when he started "hiding" it. I didn't think I was being nosey as it was my computer this was happening on so I started disabling it. He got past that as well. I finally sold it and only use my work laptop now which is password protected and usually with me at all times. So now it's only (or back to) magazines and movies. And it is hidden but not totally unfindable. I mean, I know where it is. He hasn't moved it from it's place and it's not hard to find. When something (those model pics) wound up in his bathroom cabinet (it's the guest bathroom as well), I threw them out. Probably not the greatest idea but I didn't know what else to do at the time. I guess it could be worse as in it could be affecting his work, or he could be spending lots of money, or affecting our sex life, etc. Some of these mags and videos are very old - from high school or the army days - he's 33. I guess I just wanted to see if any of this was normal and something I shouldn't worry about. It's not affecting our relationship or relations. We do it less often than some and more often than others I'm sure. I used to think it was "cheating" on me, but we had a talk about that and these aren't replacements or substitutes or anything. I guess I just needed to get this off my chest and see what others have to say. Thanks all!
    Quote Originally Posted by Lois Lane View Post
    PGM35, first of all...BIG HUGS! I feel so badly for you. The fact is, whether this was a role you wanted or not, you have--by default--become the adult in this relationship and your boyfriend has relegated himself to the role of put-upon petulant child (with access to porn). You stopped his access to cell phone porn, so he wants to break up with you.

    I think it's safe to say that most non-addicted men enjoy a little porn here and there, whether it's on the internet, TV, video/DVD, Playboy/Hustler magazine, or a visit to a strip club every now and again. But a lot of them also like to enjoy it with their partners. It's when they start hiding it that it seems problematic. Kind of like how a person with an eating disorder will binge and purge in secret (and no disrespect is intended by that analogy). Or how a drug addict will snort away or shoot up when no one's looking. If they didn't think it was a problem, they would ask you to join them.

    Yes, he contributes money to the household but it doesn't seem like you both have a lot leftover after paying the bills, buying groceries, paying the rent, etc. So it's not like him going $80 over on Pay Per View is a small thing. That's $80 that could've gone towards food. So I can see how you both need to budget, and that means he can't just spend carelessly like that on anything, just like you can't spend $100 for a new pair of shoes every other day without consequences.

    From the outside looking in, if I replace the porn with alcohol, I see myself in a relationship from many years ago. I stayed with him (though we never lived together) 'cause I felt sorry for him, still had feelings for him, and (to an extent) probably was drawn to the drama that was us. In retrospect, I wish I could have those years back. What I learned from it isn't worth (to me) the anguish I spent dealing with that arse. I think of the opportunities to date NICE men that I passed up because I felt I owed him something--even after he cheated on me. Nothing anyone said made me break up with him until I was ready. My brother (hoping I would leave him) had even told me that if we were meant to be together, even if we broke up, we would get back together. I didn't want to risk it.

    Oh my goodness. Once I was ready for that break, it was fantastic! I didn't miss him--if anything, I felt relief. It was better to be alone and happy than to be unhappy with him.

    I know you have very strong feelings for him. It doesn't sound like he is the right guy for you--but only you know this. I can tell you that there are many wonderful men out there (and not just the hotties on our FoRT). I found one and married him, and I can tell you that the difference between being in a stable, mature relationship versus that codependent hell is huge. It doesn't sound like you're ready to leave him just yet...

    But I would say--have in your mind what you can and what you can't live with in terms of this man. And if he is unable to give you that, you have to let him go. And he has to let you go, until he is at a place where giving you that is worth it to him to make somewhat of a sacrifice for your relationship.

    I'm kind of rambling but I hope I'm making some sense.

    GOOD LUCK!
    Most Likely To Love Her Selfie, While Coloring, Pistol Packin', & Loving Her Boxer Babies

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