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Thread: Relationship Challenged

  1. #2831
    Nagasaki inthegarden's Avatar
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    Re: Relationship Challenged

    Take your time... great advice... get to know who you are, be a whole not a half, learn from your mistakes, be friends for awhile. Just enjoy being a Mom, your own best friend, and someone will find you.

  2. #2832
    FORT Fogey Ellen's Avatar
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    Re: Relationship Challenged


    I started dating the guy whom I eventually married (to whom I'm still married -- goin' on 16 years) when, at age 35/36, decided that I really enjoyed being single and free, and wouldn't mind staying that way.
    PGM35 likes this.
    "There's no crying in baseball!"
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  3. #2833
    PWS
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    Re: Relationship Challenged

    Quote Originally Posted by inthegarden;3926117;
    Take your time... great advice... get to know who you are, be a whole not a half, learn from your mistakes, be friends for awhile. Just enjoy being a Mom, your own best friend, and someone will find you.
    Or better yet, you will find each other....

  4. #2834
    FORT Fogey PGM35's Avatar
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    Re: Relationship Challenged

    I went back to relationship challenged to find where this happened back in 2007. So I was considering the issues and leaving back then. Now here we are 9 years later. SMH

    I copied some of the posts that resonated with me then and now.
    Quote Originally Posted by DesertRose View Post
    Famita, I pay the bills in the house (with both our money) and I'm not happy about it, but I also know that my husband does things in the house that he prefers not doing. However, he's better at doing those things and I'm better at keeping track of bills (barely). It's called compromising.

    Sometimes it's ok to just be ok with the status quo because the good outweights the bad. PGM obviously only gave us the bad of the relationship, but she has mentionned several times that there is a lot of good in it.
    Quote Originally Posted by Lois Lane;1920295;

    Quote Originally Posted by PGM35;1920263;

    Does anyone have or had any problems/issues with their husbands/boyfriends/significant other/etc. with porn, videos, magazines, internet? Just thought I'd ask. I know and understand that everyone has fantasies, and everyone has "time to themselves", etc., but just wondered if anyone has had any experience with "too much" or where it's caused problems in the relationship. I don't want everyone to think that I have a problem or that my b/f does but wanted to find out what the "signs" were and if I should be worried or what. Thanks in advance.

    Hey PGM35, I think "too much" is when it begins to bother you. There surely are obvious signs for the hardcore porn addicts (not willing to leave the house because they want to download porn, having only porn magazines around the house, only being able to perform while watching porn)... Er. (I'm not speaking from personal experience!) Then there are guys who'll thumb through a Playboy or watch a X-rated video on occasion. But I suspect that it bothering you makes whatever he does "too much," and maybe you need to talk to him about it.

    A long time ago I dated a guy who smoked pot on a regular basis. I don't smoke pot and it reallly bothered me that he needed to smoke. To me, that was too much. To some of my friends, they thought I was being too rigid. My point is that regardless of what was considered the norm or "too much," it was too much for me and made me uncomfortable.
    Quote Originally Posted by PGM35;1920433;

    Thanks for the responses. I don't think I'm a prude and have occasionally indulged in videos/movies/magazines myself. I think I have a healthy attitude toward porn in general. I was just beginning to wonder if and when it becomes an issue is all. He kind of started out (well probably not really started but it was when I noticed it) on the internet. Not pay sites but the free pics of models, etc. I had a problem with it. Mainly because some of these were real women posing from their bedrooms with links to communicate with them. Or that is what I thought anyway. So, I tell him that I don't like it and would rather not have him using my computer to do that. That was when he started "hiding" it. I didn't think I was being nosey as it was my computer this was happening on so I started disabling it. He got past that as well. I finally sold it and only use my work laptop now which is password protected and usually with me at all times. So now it's only (or back to) magazines and movies. And it is hidden but not totally unfindable. I mean, I know where it is. He hasn't moved it from it's place and it's not hard to find. When something (those model pics) wound up in his bathroom cabinet (it's the guest bathroom as well), I threw them out. Probably not the greatest idea but I didn't know what else to do at the time. I guess it could be worse as in it could be affecting his work, or he could be spending lots of money, or affecting our sex life, etc. Some of these mags and videos are very old - from high school or the army days - he's 33. I guess I just wanted to see if any of this was normal and something I shouldn't worry about. It's not affecting our relationship or relations. We do it less often than some and more often than others I'm sure. I used to think it was "cheating" on me, but we had a talk about that and these aren't replacements or substitutes or anything. I guess I just needed to get this off my chest and see what others have to say. Thanks all!
    Quote Originally Posted by Lois Lane View Post
    PGM35, first of all...BIG HUGS! I feel so badly for you. The fact is, whether this was a role you wanted or not, you have--by default--become the adult in this relationship and your boyfriend has relegated himself to the role of put-upon petulant child (with access to porn). You stopped his access to cell phone porn, so he wants to break up with you.

    I think it's safe to say that most non-addicted men enjoy a little porn here and there, whether it's on the internet, TV, video/DVD, Playboy/Hustler magazine, or a visit to a strip club every now and again. But a lot of them also like to enjoy it with their partners. It's when they start hiding it that it seems problematic. Kind of like how a person with an eating disorder will binge and purge in secret (and no disrespect is intended by that analogy). Or how a drug addict will snort away or shoot up when no one's looking. If they didn't think it was a problem, they would ask you to join them.

    Yes, he contributes money to the household but it doesn't seem like you both have a lot leftover after paying the bills, buying groceries, paying the rent, etc. So it's not like him going $80 over on Pay Per View is a small thing. That's $80 that could've gone towards food. So I can see how you both need to budget, and that means he can't just spend carelessly like that on anything, just like you can't spend $100 for a new pair of shoes every other day without consequences.

    From the outside looking in, if I replace the porn with alcohol, I see myself in a relationship from many years ago. I stayed with him (though we never lived together) 'cause I felt sorry for him, still had feelings for him, and (to an extent) probably was drawn to the drama that was us. In retrospect, I wish I could have those years back. What I learned from it isn't worth (to me) the anguish I spent dealing with that arse. I think of the opportunities to date NICE men that I passed up because I felt I owed him something--even after he cheated on me. Nothing anyone said made me break up with him until I was ready. My brother (hoping I would leave him) had even told me that if we were meant to be together, even if we broke up, we would get back together. I didn't want to risk it.

    Oh my goodness. Once I was ready for that break, it was fantastic! I didn't miss him--if anything, I felt relief. It was better to be alone and happy than to be unhappy with him.

    I know you have very strong feelings for him. It doesn't sound like he is the right guy for you--but only you know this. I can tell you that there are many wonderful men out there (and not just the hotties on our FoRT). I found one and married him, and I can tell you that the difference between being in a stable, mature relationship versus that codependent hell is huge. It doesn't sound like you're ready to leave him just yet...

    But I would say--have in your mind what you can and what you can't live with in terms of this man. And if he is unable to give you that, you have to let him go. And he has to let you go, until he is at a place where giving you that is worth it to him to make somewhat of a sacrifice for your relationship.

    I'm kind of rambling but I hope I'm making some sense.

    GOOD LUCK!
    Most Likely To Love Her Selfie, While Coloring, Pistol Packin', & Loving Her Boxer Babies

  5. #2835
    FORT Fogey PGM35's Avatar
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    Re: Relationship Challenged

    Decided to post about this here since I already wrote it all out for a friend of mine. ugh - the trials and tribulations of dating.

    Talking to this guy since Super Bowl Feb 4th. We phone chatted on Valentine’s Day and made plans for that weekend. Had to change due to his work sending him to a conference in San Antonio. I didn’t check out his story – maybe I should have but he mentioned the Riverwalk and he and the guys going to Dick’s Last Resort so it all sounded legit. So that was the first weekend we didn’t get to see each other as planned. Next we tried for the following weekend. Feb 23rd. He texted early that day that he was going to minor emergency due to 103 fever. He tested positive for flu and was out of work for a week.

    Then once he was well, I was out the following weekend for the Austin BBQ cookoff - weekend of March 2nd, 3rd, and 4th. That brings us to Wed March 7th – we planned a make up of our first date. Well he gets stopped, searched and his car gets impounded by the VA police for an expired insurance card. He shows them the online one on his phone but they don’t take it. UGH – seriously!! Could anything else go wrong? He says he’ll get the car out on the next day, Thurs. but wait, he doesn’t get the time to do it. I say I’ll drive up there. I go and we have a great time and a great dinner. He actually does exist. He is charming but not in a creepy – stalker way. He’s got a goofy side. I could tell he was a bit nervous but also a little upset by my having to drive up there instead of his coming to see me. We agree that he’ll come out on Friday to a concert. If he doesn’t get his car, he’ll borrow one. Guess what - He can’t though b/c his friend’s aunt passed away so he can’t use his car. He ends up not getting his own car so he didn't come out on Friday. Turns out he had a VA medical appt that ran all afternoon - labwork and xrays etc. so he did a lot of waiting around for docs and stuff. Yes, I know - sounds like another excuse - but again, I believed him. I didn't really want him to meet my friends yet - so him not coming on Friday was ok by me - I was almost glad about it - he said for sure on Sat.

    I told him I had a salon appt for hair and nails and I'd be done around 1ish. last we left it was that he was going to run in the morning and he'd give me a call - he was real sweet like he usually is - he'd dream about me - etc - gushy mushy stuff. LOL - well Then Sat. around 11AM - no good morning text either. So I send him a - taking a break, how are you doing text. Nothing. Ok - i finish up around 1PM. I try and send Todd another text - here's a pic - all done with hair. Nothing. Great. Here we go again..... Finally around 4pm - I'm thinking - he's not coming. I call. Straight to voice mail. Either he's blocked me or something happened to his phone. I don't want to jump to any conclusions but it’s hard not to. So either I go to the concert alone or scrap it and just go out with friends. I tell them the story and we are all brainstorming – did something happen to him, or to his phone, or is he really ghosting me. I’m partly thinking no way, he’s not doing this after the car thing. It’s just bad luck and something else happened. But part of me is like, wth, can this many things happen to 1 guy?

    Around 11pm Saturday, I get a call. He had dropped his phone in his friend’s car early in the day Sat and he just got it back. Ugh. So he never borrowed a car, never was able to call and didn’t have a way to call me, and didn’t have access to a computer. He apologizes, says he will make it up to me, says he will be worth it, only wants to try and see where this goes. Reminds me A LOT of Mike when we first met. There were so many obstacles in our way – many more now that I think about it being married and all LOLOL – so I think, ok. Do I give him one more chance??

    OK so brings me to Sunday – I go to brunch and a movie. No word from him. I try and call around 11 just to let him know but it rings – no answer. Around 4 pm I text saying, why haven’t I heard from you? He texts me at 8:30pm – didn’t I get his message that he’d be gone all day. No, what message? He said he sent it at 6:30AM on a time delay so I wouldn’t get awoken by it. I responded with, I don’t know if I believe you anymore. I call and we talk for an hour. Again, I’m not sure why but I still at this point, believe him somehow. It’s not like he’s trying to get me to believe him, he just puts it out there. This is what happened and he’s sorry – he can’t explain why these things happen, they just do. He knows it’s hard to believe but he hopes I give him a chance. He says he really likes me. What do I have to lose here. He hasn’t asked me for anything. I’m not sleeping with him nor is he unemployed, or conning me – that I know of anyway. So what does he gain – at this point – by lying about any of this other than making me upset – and he doesn’t seem like he wants to do that. He friended me on facebook. I know he’s not living with anyone or in a relationship. And we are only talking and we have met in person so I do know he’s real. I decide I'm going to give it a little more time – I don’t want to throw this one back yet.

    Which brings us to this morning. Yesterday (Monday) evening he said he'd call me in the morning and to let him know what time was good. So I texted him first thing at 6AM (well if he goes to work that is a reasonable time) saying between now and 8:30. around 8:45 I text again and say "Why ask if you aren't going to follow through?" He responds - "I'm juggling a lot right now". So I respond "I'll make it easier for you" "Consider this ball officially dropped - Take Care!"

    so i guess that's that.
    Most Likely To Love Her Selfie, While Coloring, Pistol Packin', & Loving Her Boxer Babies

  6. #2836
    9/11/2001 NEVER FORGET. Bookworm Champion Eastcoastmom's Avatar
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    Re: Relationship Challenged

    Yikes, PGM. I don't know what to say. Dating should not be that hard. His BIG loss, I will say. Hang in there!
    PGM35 likes this.

  7. #2837
    Kitten time! Gutmutter's Avatar
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    Re: Relationship Challenged

    Too many lame excuses. Let him chase you for a while.
    PGM35 and Photobabe like this.
    Count your blessings!

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