Relationship Challenged

[Spoose]

How do you know when to say something to a friend who you think is making a huge mistake??

A really good friend of mine has been involved with a married man for several years. It’s been a messy, heart-breaking relationship (of course) with promises being made and broken several times. He’s said some nasty things to her and claims it’s all her fault for trying to break up his family (he has 2 young children) but he always makes contact with her and brings her back into the mess. She’s sworn him off more times than I can count but always goes back. He’s crazily jealous of the guy friends she has so she has to hide a good portion of her life from him to prevent a blow-up. She’s tried to have relationships with other guys knowing that she can’t wait for the married man, but they never work out and she goes back to him. I’ve been a friend through all of this…listening and comforting when he calls things off and biting my tongue when he calls her back. But her latest “plan” has me seriously worried for her. She wants a baby and wants the married man to be the father. She’s only 31 but is sick of waiting for the “right” guy to come into her life and is ready to have a baby on her own. I’m supportive of that decision, but she is determined that the married guy should be the dad. They’ve talked about it and he agrees it’s a good idea! I’ve asked her about custody issues, worried that if and when things go south again, he might fight for custody of their child. She says that he’ll just be the donor and will not be a “father figure”. The baby will have her last name and she won’t list him as the father on the birth certificate. I’ve told her that none of that matters and he’ll still have rights to the child, but she’s determined it will all work out. I think this is an attempt to tie them together for life but she of course doesn’t realize it. I was hoping this was just another crazy idea or plan but I’m afraid she’s serious…she’s already started asking at work about maternity leave and told me she plans to get pregnant in August. I’ve asked all the “concerned friend” questions I can….how can I tell her that I think she’s making the biggest mistake of her life??

[ScoutMom]

Spoose - Sounds to me like you need to sit your friend down and tell her exactly how you feel and why. Maybe you see some angles that she hasn't thought of and hadn't considered. Definitely make it clear to her (if you haven't already - and it wouldn't hurt to reiterate it anyway) that you're telling her these things because you love her and are concerned. If she continues to make decisions that you think are wrong, all you can do is be there for her when it all falls apart. I hope everything works out for her (and you).

[Lucy]

Spoose, a good friend tells us the truth, not just what we want to hear. I agree with ScoutMom that you should tell her what you really think, and remind her you're doing so because you love her.
And how is SHE supposedly trying to break up his family when HE is the one cheating on them? Forget having a baby with him, she should run as far away as she can get from him.

[famita]

Spoose, tell her. Maybe also say that you've heard that things are not always cut and dried. He might not plan to pay child support and yet if his name is on the birth certificate, the state might require him to pay. She might need the income at a later date, and she might not be able to get the child support if his name is not on the birth certificate. If I were you, I think I would tell her to RUN as fast as she can to get away from this guy. If she thinks at some later date that they could possibly make a go of it, I would again tell her to RUN FAR AWAY, since he already cheated on his wife.

[Lois Lane]

Spoose,

Despite what your friend says--about wanting to raise the child alone--she is doing what countless women do: Having a child in the hopes that that will bring her and the man closer together or so that he won't leave.

This man will most likely never leave his wife. And if he does, he will most likely do the same thing to your friend.

I agree with Lucy and ScoutMom and famita. Tell her all your worries and concerns. And also tell her that while she isn't the one who is married, she is knowingly involved with a married man and therefore isn't completely innocent herself. Why does she choose this kind of relationship--especially one that is so rocky?

I would advise her to break it off with him and be firm with him that she is moving on with her life. Then she should change her phone number, and also her email address. If he happens to get through anyhow, she should just NOT RESPOND to him. If she really wants to have a baby by herself, she should go to a sperm bank and pick an anonymous donor. But my guess is that once the boyfriend is gone, she will no longer want to have a baby by herself--it's her way of keeping him. I would also encourage her to maintain her friendships with her guy friends--who knows, one of those may blossom into romance. As for her crazy jealous "boyfriend," she can just tell him that when he divorces his wife, and puts an engagement ring on her finger, she will be willing to discuss her friendships with other men. But it's none of his business and, oh yeah, YOU'RE MARRIED.

It sounds like she goes back to him when it doesn't work out with other guys 'cause maybe she sees her worth only in terms of being with a man... Maybe you and some other friends can help her fill in her social life when she breaks up with the jerk. Go out on platonic dates! Girls' night out. That kind of thing.

There's a good chance that she won't listen to anything you say and will just do what she wants--no matter how bad it may be for her. In ruining her own life, I hope you won't allow her to saddle you with all of her problems--much of which is self inflicted.

Also...maybe talking about what's best for the BABY rather than what's best for her (or him) will hit home for her. Who will care for the baby while she works? Does she make enough money to pay for a nanny or childcare? What will she tell the child when he or she wants to know why she doesn't have a dad in her life? Does she realize that it will be more difficult for her to have a relationship with other men when she is PREGNANT and caring for a child? A lot of guys don't want to date single moms (not that that's right, but a lot don't).

Good luck! I hope your friend realizes how lucky she has to have you in her life.

[Spoose]

Thanks, everyone. Your input and encouragement is greatly appreciated! I know I need to tell her, but I was struggling with exactly how to approach it. Your comments have given me some ideas on how to start this awkward conversation. I also realized I need to put aside my fear of her being upset with me because this is much bigger than a few unreturned phone calls.

[MRD]

If nothing else, she should think about the situation she would be bringing a child into.

It's not easy having children in a stable two parent relationship. It's harder as a single mom and harder still with the dad not paying child support. But even harder if he presses for custody and remains married to his wife.

If she's not thinking of herself, think about the baby and the role model of a dad she's giving it.

[Amy Lee]

No offense but she deserves to suffer for her sins but unfortunately, the potential child will bare the brunt. You're a good friend and you can try to tell her how you feel but there is nothing more for you to do. This is a grown woman willing to bring a child into this nasty, adult made mess.

[misskitty]

The background. My ex-boyfriend and I dated for four years. We were crazy about each other and thought we were heading towards marriage. In the end, neither of us appeared happy mainly due to communication problems and some big differences regarding drug use. But rather than discuss and resolve them, one day he decided to stop being available to me. Everytime I called, he said we'd get together and then was already doing something somewhere else. This went on for months. He didn't want to even meet me for a coffee to talk about what was wrong. I was hurt, confused, and left the keys to his house in his kitchen. I was afraid he or his friends who accuse me of stealing something or worse. Anyway, even after that, he didn't call. I felt worthless.

After years of therapy, (about many things) I decided to extend an olive branch to see if we could be friendly. I called but he got all flustered when I asked if he wanted to do a coffee, so I said that was fine and decided to just e-mail him Holiday greetings and kept up birthday e-mails to his kittys, Mom & Snuggles who is Gracie's Mom and sister. He was pleasant but not very forthcoming about personal details. That was fine.

So, after sending a generic Happy Canada Day to Snuggles from Gracie (Mom has since passed) the other day, he actually replys with fond memories, saying he's glad I've tried to keep in touch. Since he opened the door, I asked for clarification as to why we broke up and why he did it the way he did. He saw it differently, but admitted he was an idiot and I was the best girlfriend he ever had. He sends me old photos of us with the kittens when they were born. Gracie will be 10 this August.

Then he says that he is still in love with me. And he still loves no-one else. And he's thinking we can pick up and live happily ever after.

I was floored. After a day of thought I replied that I still wanted to be friends. That I have forgiven him for any misdeeds in the past, but that I am not in the place where I can say I am still in love with him.

I honestly don't know how I really feel because I have had to learn to let him go and go forward in life. I have not seen him in 8 years. Even though he lives 8 blocks away.

I know he will be hurt and disappointed that I didn't reciprocate with the same feelings. Before he revealed his love for me, I had suggested that we could meet for a coffee some time since we are both older and hopefully kinder. But he chose to drop the "love bomb" in an e-mail!

Meowza! Now I'm feeling bad, sad, and a bit messed up again.

[burntbrat]

You know what they say, there is a reason you broke up in the first place. He doesn't sound like he treated you very well, either. I wouldn't go back into that water if I were you.