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Thread: Relationship Challenged

  1. #2331
    Roobie Doobie Dooo ThePhoenix's Avatar
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    High school, no classes, we both love music.
    If you die alone, I'll follow you into the dark

  2. #2332
    Resident curmudgeon Newfherder's Avatar
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    Since you describe yourself as shy, this is one time when you do not want to be yourself. Don't change your core values, obviously, but you will have to grab the bull by the horns, take a deep breath, put on a new smile, and approach the young lass. It isn't easy, but it can be done. Waiting to get noticed doesn't work--trust me on this one!

    caution: cynic posting

    I find that nothing kills an infatuation faster than getting to know the object of your desires Relationships at any age are a pain in the butt, but that doesn't stop people from trying We are so ingrained with the image of happily-ever-after that we start believing the myth, so eloquently stated by Steve Martin, that "There's someone out there for everyone...even if you need a pick axe, a compass, and night vision goggles to find them." (L.A. Story) The hardest part of a relationship is that there are two people in it, and at least one of them is usually irrational.

    "Crushes" are aptly named. You WILL get crushed, probably many times. It is a stone-cold fact of life. Who among us has not spent six weeks with a just-kicked-in-the-gut feeling? I still have twinges from 30+ years ago when the object of my affections started dating my best friend.

    If you want love, get a dog The love is more pure, and it's a lot less expensive. No sex, but that's over-rated anyway.
    Last edited by Newfherder; 12-08-2006 at 11:50 AM. Reason: more words of wisdom
    "The road that is built in hope is more pleasant to the traveler than the road built in despair, even though they both lead to the same destination."
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  3. #2333
    Wild thang Rattus's Avatar
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    Phoenix, the fact that you have "Roobie doobie doo" under your name would seem to indicate that you have a sense of humour (it's still making me giggle) and most girls, heck, most people, are attracted to a sense of humour. And if you both love music, that's an easy subject to bring up "did you see that concert?", "have you heard their new CD?", etc., and once the ice is broken, a conversation about music can go on for hours (believe me, I know), and can lead to other topics of conversation, which can lead to "you wanna go get a malt? (whoops, sorry, showing my age), you wanna go to Starbucks?"

    So essentially, as a sense of humour and a common interest have been the basis of many a great relationship through the centuries, it would seem like you're standing on solid ground.

    And as to what girls want to hear, every girl is different and they don't all want to hear to the same thing, so don't try to come up with a conversational game-plan, just let it flow and pay attention to what she has to say, and if she's worth all your effort, she will be paying attention to what you have to say.
    All I wanted was a 45, a stinking 45 - the record or the gun. I'd even settle for the damn malt liquor. - Al Bundy.

  4. #2334
    On a cupcake mission! Lois Lane's Avatar
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    Phoenix, it's been a long time since I was a teenage girl, but I will try to remember what it was like... Every girl likes attention. Not stalking attention (calling every day, showing up everywhere she is, staring all the time), but just friendly recognition. Start by smiling at her when you see her in the halls and saying, "Hi." See how she reciprocates. If she smiles back and says, "Hi," she's at least a nice person. If she makes a gagging face and snorts back at you, then she's a jackarse. You both like music--if you see her wearing a T-shirt with a band that you like, mention to her that you like that band, too. (Maybe don't say you like her shirt--she may think you were staring at her chest...which you probably were, but just don't tell her that. )

    Few people don't like being liked. Even if they don't feel about you the same way, they won't think badly of you because you liked them. After all, you're showing great taste by liking them, right?

    Just remember that high school girls (and boys) can be a little immature and may succomb to peer pressure. If she's part of the "cool" crowd, her friends may try to pressure her into dating only within her clique. If you're not part of the cool crowd, don't fret about it too much. Did you ever see Brad Pitt's photos in high school? He wore glasses, had thin bird legs and looked kinda dorky! Half the rock stars out there were not very popular in high school, and now they're beating the women away! A lot of people come into their own in college and beyond.

    Just try to break the sound barrier and take things slowly. If it works out, great! If not, trust me, there are thousands of girls out there (many of them beautiful, smart and popular... and without boyfriends) who would like to meet you one day!

    Good luck!

  5. #2335
    Roobie Doobie Dooo ThePhoenix's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ThePhoenix;2171041;
    Hi every one, thank you for at least reading this.

    So, heres the thing, theres a girl that I really like, almost love. But I'm to shy to talk to her. How can i break this shyness. it seems whenever she even looks my way I feel my knees go weak, my heart races, and i feel the blood run out of my face.

    So, girls, tell me what you think she would like to hear, and guys, tell me what you would do in this situation.
    Thanks,
    ThePhoenix
    Thank you all for your support on this matter. It really helps me. i took into acount what you guys(and girls) said. I told one of my friends that i like her and found out that their friends too , so i guess thats a goodstart. Hopefully i'l get over this shy ness soon
    Thanks,
    Phoenix
    If you die alone, I'll follow you into the dark

  6. #2336
    Retired! hepcat's Avatar
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    Hey, I just wanted to add that some girls like shy guys. I don't think you need to change your personality to find someone. Thinking of their perspective (she might like a friendly smile once in a while) is one thing, but go with your strengths. I wouldn't recommend forcing yourself to be outgoing if that's not your nature. Good luck!
    You've gotta hustle if you want to earn a dollar. - Boston Rob

  7. #2337
    PWS
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    Quote Originally Posted by ThePhoenix;2172138;
    Thank you all for your support on this matter. It really helps me. i took into acount what you guys(and girls) said. I told one of my friends that i like her and found out that their friends too , so i guess thats a goodstart. Hopefully i'l get over this shy ness soon
    Thanks,
    Phoenix
    So, assuming your friend doesn't also have a crush on her, maybe he'd be willing to be a bridge/crutch....you could join them when they are talking, etc. Also you can use him to find out a bit more about things she likes. Think you do need to make a bit of a move tho...just saying hi each day counts as a start! You can make a list, starting with the easiest things, like saying hi every day for a week, and give it to yourself as "homework". Even if she turns out to be boring once you get to know her, or not interested in anything other than being a friend, you will have made progress on getting over your shyness...you'll know that in fact you can say Hi to a girl you are interested in! Anyway, make the list... if hi is too hard, start with a smile every day for a week...or making eye contact.....whatever you can imagine that is a little scary, but not so scary you can't do it, and work up to that actual more than 30 sec. conversation about music. If you can manage a 5 min. or more conversation believe me (unless she's also very shy!) she'll figure out you are interested and if she is she'll try to encourage you.
    And I totally agree with the advice to pay attention to her, really listen to what she is saying rather than thinking about what YOU are going to say next. It'll be easy to respond to her if you do, and it's incredibly flattering when someone seems to be really "there" when they are talking to you. If you can manage to listen and make eye contact at the same time, that's a good thing. But listening is more important. Assuming here that the girl isn't the prom queen with 1000's of devoted minions, of which you'd just be one more, of course!
    Good luck, let us know how it goes!
    ETA Also agree with 11sstephanie (whose advice I'm sure is by far the most relevant here!)...our society says men are the aggressers in social situations...thanks to the women's movement this no longer means you need to bop her on the head, but you do still need to speak to her. Make sure she knows you are alive.
    Last edited by PWS; 12-08-2006 at 06:22 PM. Reason: follow up

  8. #2338
    I Is Stephanie
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    Speaking as the resident High School Girl here, (does that sound snobbish? If it does, all you moderators can delete it for me!) I might be able to help you out a little bit.

    For starters, does she know you exist? As in, does she talk to you, acknowledge your presence, laugh when you're around? If she does, that's 50% of it right there.

    I wouldn't recommend forcing yourself to be outgoing if that's not your nature. Good luck!
    However, for the other 50%, I'm gonna have to disagree with Hepcat here. If you really don't think she's going to ask you out, or if you feel that you need to be the one to ask her out, you don't have a lot of choice. You have to be outgoing.

    I have a friend who is a year younger than me, and he wanted to ask this girl out really badly, because she liked him and he liked her. His only problem was that he had, literally, no confidance. He could talk to her, all right, but all of the conversations they had endeed with him yelling that he hated her. Finally, he came up to me to have me ask her out for him. I said "No, Eric, you have to do this yourself." And I helped him plan it all out, to the minute. As it turns out, he didn't need me, he just needed a wakeup call. They've been together for 3 months now, and they love each other more every day.

    The moral of this story: Get a friend to help you, one that you trust. It's the only real thing you can do for yourself.

    Oh, and don't try to make it overly funny or cute or anything-- I'm going to tell you know, if you really are shy, it will just sound (no offense) stupid. Just straight out ask her, or talk to her, or whatever.

    I hope that wasn't too cynical, and I hope it helped in some way. If you need any clarifcation or help, feel free to PM me, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week (with the exception of Christmas.)
    ...And the strange boy continued to weave in and out of her life, leaving her with a sense of wonder and amazment, but also, a feeling of loss, knowing that life might never be the same again.

  9. #2339
    Roobie Doobie Dooo ThePhoenix's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by PWS;2172324;
    So, assuming your friend doesn't also have a crush on her, maybe he'd be willing to be a bridge/crutch....you could join them when they are talking, etc. Also you can use him to find out a bit more about things she likes. Think you do need to make a bit of a move tho...just saying hi each day counts as a start! You can make a list, starting with the easiest things, like saying hi every day for a week, and give it to yourself as "homework". Even if she turns out to be boring once you get to know her, or not interested in anything other than being a friend, you will have made progress on getting over your shyness...you'll know that in fact you can say Hi to a girl you are interested in! Anyway, make the list... if hi is too hard, start with a smile every day for a week...or making eye contact.....whatever you can imagine that is a little scary, but not so scary you can't do it, and work up to that actual more than 30 sec. conversation about music. If you can manage a 5 min. or more conversation believe me (unless she's also very shy!) she'll figure out you are interested and if she is she'll try to encourage you.
    And I totally agree with the advice to pay attention to her, really listen to what she is saying rather than thinking about what YOU are going to say next. It'll be easy to respond to her if you do, and it's incredibly flattering when someone seems to be really "there" when they are talking to you. If you can manage to listen and make eye contact at the same time, that's a good thing. But listening is more important. Assuming here that the girl isn't the prom queen with 1000's of devoted minions, of which you'd just be one more, of course!
    Good luck, let us know how it goes!
    ETA Also agree with 11sstephanie (whose advice I'm sure is by far the most relevant here!)...our society says men are the aggressers in social situations...thanks to the women's movement this no longer means you need to bop her on the head, but you do still need to speak to her. Make sure she knows you are alive.

    My freind is a girl. Guys can have "girl" freinds. Does that change anything though??
    If you die alone, I'll follow you into the dark

  10. #2340
    I Is Stephanie
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    No! It actually might make it even eaiser! I only say that because girls can have a lot in common-- even more than you might think. I totally agree with PWS, get her to talk to this girl, use her to find out what this girl does and doesn't like (in a guy). If all else fails, she can be the person who goes up to this girl and says 'Hey! Have you met my friend? He's a great guy, and ya'll should get to know each other!'

    However, having said that, I really can't talk for you without knowing your situation. This girl that you like... Does she have a lot of friends who are girls, or are all her buddies guys? If she has a lot of guy friends, disregard everything all of us have said, this might totally change your situation.

    Of course, again, I only say this from personal experience, and something could happen to you that makes life exponentially eaiser for you.

    But whatever. I'm still here, and you can still PM me if you need to. Just don't take my word as the Bible, I can't talk for all girls.
    ...And the strange boy continued to weave in and out of her life, leaving her with a sense of wonder and amazment, but also, a feeling of loss, knowing that life might never be the same again.

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