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Thread: Relationship Challenged

  1. #1101
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    i am in a pretty tough relationship too

  2. #1102
    avy by martinique ANTM Mega Fan's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by misskitty View Post
    Since I'm on a roll....
    ANTM FanSo you are self-concious. Many people are whether they show it or not. You will gain more confidence with time. (which I know doesn't go fast enough). Feeling like you are not worthy is something altogether different. That shows lack of self-worth which is an ugly partner to lack of self-confidence. Think of why you feel that way. Truthfully. Try to put it on paper and look at it when you don't feel really emotional. Ask yourself, if that were the notes of your friend, would you judge them that way? Probably not. Make a list of all the good things about yourself. (I find that hard to do, myself). You will most likely find you are a good person, worthy of all the joys and adventures and abundance out there. If you don't feel like making the moves, then you may not be ready. Keep up with participating with others and do things, like hobbies, or activities, that will help you feel good. Even baking cookies. Talk to someone you admire and trust. They may be able to put things in perspective for you.

    I hope that something here helps. Good Luck and Good Mental Health! - Frasier
    Thanks for the advice..Maybe there's hope for me yet
    "What it do, Shawty?"-Natasha Galkina

  3. #1103
    So Far Away Yellow Apple's Avatar
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    Skipping ahead through the replies to post. Then I'll go back and read the replies...

    Maybe I am the "paper bag" that Lambikins so vivdly described (OK, so I read a few replies already...).

    I did have something sort of weird happen to me a few months ago, though. I was bored and slightly drunk one night, tooling around on some local singles website, browsing profiles.. and came across one for some girl I went to high school with. Oh yeah, it was really weird to see her picture staring back at me, and I started thinking about how ironic it would be to hook up with her now when she didn't know I existed back in the day. She was kind of cute too, so I was surprised to see her still single.

    Anyway, I just had another birthday last weekend, and I'm not coping well at all with it. Being 30 (29.2 to you, though. And to me...) and still single, there is a negative stigma attached to that, and it's burning me up inside.

    I've even been asked a few times "Shouldn't you be married by now?" and I always just kind of laugh it off. "Well I wasn't aware there was a time limit for that." They always laugh, and so do I, but the damage has already been done. I have a decent job, make decent money, have my portfolio diversified financially, have a cool dog, but I still feel like sometimes something is missing from my life.

    There is a part of me that says I'm not worth as much since I don't have a wife or even a girlfriend, and I know that's not true, but it's hard to ignore sometimes. Especially when you have a fragile ego like I do... most of the time I can do OK. Just sometimes it gets to me, and I don't really know how to deal with that.

    I know I'm not the only single 30-something, but in my mind I am and I always will be. I'm always going to be the goofy video game dork who's never grown up (and who girls hate) and likes to drink, and I'm pretty sure no girl will ever accept that.

    I apologize if I wasted everyone's time who read this post. If that's the case, just ignore this, since it was written (typed) under the influence of adult beverages.

    She turned 30 and feels like a waste; she continues to compare herself to ALL of her friends who are married and have children by now, including her own two sisters. But, she is in extreme need of getting therapy and also dealing with her addictive personality which includes over-eating/over-drinking/over-sexing. Until she does, she will never find peace with herself or from someone else.
    Holy s***... I just read this and that sounds a lot like me, except for the over-eating and over-sexing. I compare myself to all my married friends too. It's a natural thing to do, I guess.

    I know I'm not a total loser (after all, I have a decent job and I'm not dead or in prison), but I do feel like that sometimes. The burden for companionship is heavy at times. You just have to learn to shake it off...

    Guess I'll just stick to drinking and video games...

    So endeth my rant...

    And yes, I am going through a mid-life crisis at 30.
    Last edited by Mariner; 02-12-2006 at 08:24 AM.
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  4. #1104
    Wait, what? ArchieComic Fan's Avatar
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    Yellow Apple - I say contact the girl from high school - she may be happy to hear from you. Even if she doesn't totally remember you, she will probably feel a comfort zone with you since you know mutual people and can talk about the good ole days. And if not her, maybe go on a few dates with some other women from the internet site. Even if they don't work out, you can build up your confidence. Take notice of your surroundings too - is there someone at your favorite coffee shop, bookstore, restaurant, etc. that maybe you haven't been noticing but is worth a second look? Sometimes we are so busy looking for the perfect person that we overlook some pretty good choices that are right in front of us if the time is just taken to get to know them. That's probably how you're feeling about yourself right? Well maybe there is already a girl you know that wishes you would notice her! Sometimes men are clueless and don't pick up on the signals lol!

    Of course all this is coming from someone that got married right out of highschool, but sometimes I wish I had some years to grow and find out who I am before getting married. I think you are in a good place mentally and financially and the rest will happen when it's supposed to. Good luck!

  5. #1105
    An innocent bystander nlmcp's Avatar
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    YA, I know some people who hit that wall at 30 and got married because they felt "it was time" and "they had to". The marriages didn't work out because the people got married for the wrong reason. At times, I think I got married because of some of that pressure but mine was "well we've lived together for so long we may as well get married", when I should have been looking at the issues that we had living single in an apartment and realised we were going to flame out in married in a house, with kids, a dog and a more complicated life.

    I would say contact the girl from high school, it just may be a fun date, it may be more who knows. It just may be a nice e-mail conversation.

    But, you aren't a loser, I don't think you sound even close. You seem like a nice thoughtful guy. Don't sell yourself short.
    I could go east, I could go west, it was all up to me to decide. Just then I saw a young hawk flyin' and my soul began to rise. ~Bob Seger

  6. #1106
    FORT Fogey lambikins's Avatar
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    Darn!! I wish I could have read your whole post before it was edited, Y.A.! I wonder what juicy bits I missed.

    Quote Originally Posted by Yellow Apple View Post
    I know I'm not the only single 30-something, but in my mind I am and I always will be. I'm always going to be the goofy video game dork who's never grown up (and who girls hate) and likes to drink, and I'm pretty sure no girl will ever accept that.

    . Holy s***... I just read this and that sounds a lot like me, except for the over-eating and over-sexing. I compare myself to all my married friends too. It's a natural thing to do, I guess.

    And yes, I am going through a mid-life crisis at 30.
    Half kiddingly, when I was reading your post, I thought, "Hey, I need to give Michele "Yellow Apple's" email address!" I've heard that "Misery Loves Company"; the two of you sure have similar issues!

    I don't know what else to add to the already reams of GOOD advice that you've already received on this thread. People are identical to houses: just because it has a pleasing exterior doesn't mean that it doesn't have termites and dry-rot riddling the interior.

    I once asked Michele, when she was moaning about the lack of a quality relationship, "Michele, if you were to meet a guy with the EXACT issues that you have and the EXACT problems that you have.....would you date him?" She sat very quietly and I was preparing for a WWF Smack Down of my body, when she quietly replied, "I didn't realized I was so obnoxious." I said, (loudly), "I in NO WAY called you "obnoxious" or refer to that!!!" She replied, "No. I'm not saying you did. I'm calling myself obnoxious."

    What a sad answer and what a sad way to feel about oneself.

    My feeling is that if a person has a problem in January 2005 and the same unresolved problem in January 2006, they haven't tried hard enough, if at all. Complaining is easy and cheap and a spot light grabber. I refuse to accept, any longer, invitations to "Pity Parties", even if they are Black Tie and champagne is served.
    Still crazy, after all these shears

    "lambikins, put the crack pipe down and back away from the keyboard." Unklescott

    "lambikins... I have come to the conclusion that you are the Jedi Master of the Kitchen on FORT!" SuperBrat

  7. #1107
    FORT Regular lurkernomore's Avatar
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    Yellow Apple, first you need to work on your self confidence. You've got to be comfortable with who you are and not feel like you're less of a man because you're not in a relationship. Believe me there are just as many married people who wish they were single as there are single people wishing they were married. My college thesis was on marriage and divorce in America and 1/2 of all marriages fail and there is a decent percent that stay together albeit they are unhappy.
    I'd rather meet the right person when I was 40 than meet the wrong person when I was 18. Don't worry, YA, your perfect girl is out there and you'll find her eventually.

  8. #1108
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    Quote Originally Posted by lambikins View Post
    I don't know what else to add to the already reams of GOOD advice that you've already received on this thread.

    . . .

    My feeling is that if a person has a problem in January 2005 and the same unresolved problem in January 2006, they haven't tried hard enough, if at all. Complaining is easy and cheap and a spot light grabber.
    I've heard "INSANITY" defined as "Doing the same thing, over and over, and expecting a different result."

    As a single, well-adjusted, "older" woman with no baggage, good finances, and a happy life, I would FLEE from a single guy who complained so much about the same problem, month after month, and who didn't seem to take responsibility for making things better in his life.

    Most single women don’t like that in a man. I, personally, don't like those characteristics at all, not even in my girl friends. There's no need to be that way, and it's a recipe for unhappiness. Life's too short to be miserable when one has the power to makes one's life better.

    I'm single by choice right now, but one of these days I may choose to get back in a relationship with someone.

    If I do, the guy with whom I'll get involved will be emotionally and physically strong, he'll be as independent and as happy with his life as I am with mine, and he won't be a whiny complainer who passively waits for things to happen to him.

    He'll take responsibility for making good things happen in his life, as I have done in mine.

    If I meet someone who is that way -- great, but I'll be fine if I never do. I know for sure that I'd never settle for less, and I'm happy to know that no matter what, I'll always have THE POMERANIANS.

  9. #1109
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    Quote Originally Posted by lambikins View Post
    My feeling is that if a person has a problem in January 2005 and the same unresolved problem in January 2006, they haven't tried hard enough, if at all. Complaining is easy and cheap and a spot light grabber. I refuse to accept, any longer, invitations to "Pity Parties", even if they are Black Tie and champagne is served.
    Well said.

    I couldn't agree more. Once you accept your own fate, you don't create one any longer.

    Quote Originally Posted by pomeraniac
    If I do, the guy with whom I'll get involved will be emotionally and physically strong, he'll be as independent and as happy with his life as I am with mine, and he won't be a whiny complainer who passively waits for things to happen to him.
    That's exactly what made me willing to give my honey a chance...his daily objective is to laugh and smile just like mine. Life is too short to always be miserable and feeling sorry for yourself. You have a good strong head on your shoulders Pom!


    Yellow Apple...you are accepting your own fate. It sounds like you are willing to be curious to some extent if you have joined singles sites (and that's a good sign...) but for whatever reason, you convince yourself its going to bomb, they won't like you or whatever. You said yourself, you have a fragile ego. So, is this ego self-created? Before you step into a relationship, you need to strengthen your own self-image so you can exude confidence. Many people have said that time and time again in this thread to you before. You just listed many positive attributes about yourself....and the things you don't think are going to be selling points about yourself, well, guess what? There might be someone that wants to do the same things but if you stop looking, are you ever going to find them if your head is turned down?...Linus comes to mind.

    As cheesy as it sounds, go buy Dr. Phil's book about "Relationship Rescue"...the fact that you are not in a relationship is irrelevant to the book's content....the book is about fixing yourself/recreating your self image/repgramming the negative voices we all have, etc. so that you can bring a better self to the table when you ARE ready for a good relationship.
    A Bachelor fan til it dies a slow death and oddly enough, A Rock of Love fan...finest hair extensions from Europe and all. ;-)

  10. #1110
    FORT Fogey lambikins's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Igotalife View Post
    As cheesy as it sounds, go buy Dr. Phil's book about "Relationship Rescue"...the fact that you are not in a relationship is irrelevant to the book's content....the book is about fixing yourself/recreating your self image/repgramming the negative voices we all have, etc. so that you can bring a better self to the table when you ARE ready for a good relationship.
    Hey, thanks for the "props", Igotalife!

    I agree, 100% on buying Dr. Phil's book! I never watched him, only catching sarcastic clips of him on the David Letterman show. But, this Winter, when I was bored and Judge Judy was a repeat, I watched the show and have been watching ever since.

    Today, in fact, he had a Love Boat show, where 3 "highly eligible men" met 15?(18?) "eligible" women. As the cameras rolled, he'd pull out different women and men and laughingly, beat them about the head with his book! They showed one seen where the couples, on a picnic, had questions on separate pieces of paper, from the book. It sounds so good, I'm thinking of buying it, just as "insurance", to make sure that I'm doing everything that I should be! I don't think that was a cheesy suggestion at all, Igotalife. It's like an Owner's Manual to Good Relationships.
    Still crazy, after all these shears

    "lambikins, put the crack pipe down and back away from the keyboard." Unklescott

    "lambikins... I have come to the conclusion that you are the Jedi Master of the Kitchen on FORT!" SuperBrat

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