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Thread: Relationship Challenged

  1. #1081
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by stinkerbell View Post
    ... I don't like to witness it, so I try to stay away from situations where I know it will happen, but then I feel angry because we should be able to go places as a couple, but I won't when I know that I will have to drag him out, kicking and screaming, while he gets upset with me for *ruining his fun*. Like I said, he is fine on a regular basis, so I don't think he has a drinking problem, but I'm just frustrated that he can't seem to be responsible like his friends are. I want to tell him to GROW UP!
    IMHO there is something wrong with this picture. If you are having to avoid things and make different choices than you would normally, because of your husbands behavior, and his lack in recognizing it's effect on YOU, then it's a problem. Even though it doesn't happen everyday. The stress and resentment will eventually grow. You are beginning to behave in a manner that is unhealthy for YOU.

    I am very glad to hear he is not driving when drinking excessively. If you don't wish to drive him home drunk. Make him take a cab. You SHOULD be able to go places as a couple without fear of druken embarassment. What if something came up when you were both out and he needed his faculties, immediately. GROW UP is a good action statement.

    You mentioned that his buddies are responsible and can handle themselves. Maybe enlist their help to keep your hubby in check while they are together. Your frat boy behavior reference made me think that he's drinking lots with the boys, however, that doesn't seem like the case. He can do it on his own, like at a funeral.

    If he chooses not to recognize the emotional effect this is having on you, when he could simply curb some of the alcoholic intake, then his actions are totally invalidating you.

    It would be interesting to find out why he chooses to imbibe greatly when he is out and about with friends, rather than when he is home. Does it happen when he is at home with friends as well? Or is it just because the environment of a bar/restaurant brings him back to his party days? Did he do this when you were both younger? Or is this a middle-aged crisis thing?

    Does he realize he can be the life of the party, without being the drunk of the party?

    .

    I don't know the answer, but I do know that something like this can stick in my paw like a giant thorn.

    Best have a sober factual discussion with him about what's really going on in your husband's mind, and maybe why you don't wish to continue living your life apologizing and excusing yourself from situations he makes intolerable for you, especially considering your past history with your family.

    I wish you luck, however do recognize the fact that he is just a man. , But, a man that you dearly love.
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  2. #1082
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    Stinkerbell:

    I don't want to assume anything when I post this, but I didn't see if you had actually expressed "explicitly" how your husband's behavior makes you feel to your husband.

    Being a relationship challenged person myself, I think the biggest lesson I have learned along the way is that it is easy for us to go off in a corner and be mad, frustrated, embarassed, hurt, etc. at the person we are with, but a lot of the times, we are holding that issue within ourself instead of ever actually expressing it and it builds resentment and discontent. It's hard to talk about certain things and express ourselves well enough to get the point across, but you need to try. I think in some cases, we are afraid of hurting someone's feelings, feeling confrontational, bitchy or whatever.

    We are also very good at assuming that our significant others should just "know" how they are making us feel, but a lot of the times, because a committed relationship becomes such a safe place emotionally and intimately, we take one another for granted sometimes with the assumptions and gloss over good communication. We get upset because we think they are being inconsiderate, but really, I bet they don't have a clue.

    How many times have we heard "I had no idea you felt this way". No one can read minds, but they can hear and listen. Talk to your husband. Tell him his behavior makes you embarassed. Tell him you don't like being his designated driver. Give him a chance to understand how he is making you feel...then, if he continues, there's an issue worth exploring more.

    Good luck!
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  3. #1083
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    Stinkerbell, I know EXACTLY how you feel. I was raised in an alcoholic home myself and from that perspective, I don't think that you're overreacting at all.

    When Mr. Rattus and I first got married nearly twenty years ago, he took to drinking Jack Daniels every Saturday night, though he wasn't a drinker during the week. Like you, I was unable to tolerate his drunken self and started going to bed earlier and earlier to avoid him. By a certain point I was in bed by 8:00 on a Saturday night. Fortunately for me, Mr. Rattus seemed to notice through the drunken fog that I was avoiding him and took it upon himself to curtail his drinking, for which I am profoundly relieved because I would have had to leave him. The thing is, I should have told him that the drinking bothered me and why it bothered me. Our life prior to marriage had been one big party (we were in a band and spent a lot of time in bars) and I suppose that I shouldn't have expected him to change to suit me without letting him know that I did have some expectations in our relationship. As by Igotalife, no one reads minds so we have to let people know our expectations of them and of life.

    Good luck. I hope everything works out well for both of you.
    All I wanted was a 45, a stinking 45 - the record or the gun. I'd even settle for the damn malt liquor. - Al Bundy.

  4. #1084
    Premium Member DesertRose's Avatar
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    Stinkerbell, I've read the recent posts. I did not have any experience with alcoholism, so my post came from someone who has never been in your shoes. I think everyone is right and I was wrong, if it makes you feel really bad, then something is wrong.

  5. #1085
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    Quote Originally Posted by DesertRose View Post
    Stinkerbell, I've read the recent posts. I did not have any experience with alcoholism, so my post came from someone who has never been in your shoes. I think everyone is right and I was wrong, if it makes you feel really bad, then something is wrong.
    Well, DesertRose, if it makes you feel any better, a relative of mine who I confided in (which happens rarely) basically said the same thing as you did. (he isn't much of a drinker either) all the way down to *He's just blowing off steam*. I chuckled when I read it from your post because not more than 20 minutes earlier he had said the same thing.
    Thank you all for your reponses. I've been mulling it over and over. Yes, I have said it to his face how UNPLEASANT it is to be around him, and why I don't go places with him. I think what happens is that he forgets about it, and then remembers when he is already 3 sheets to the wind. By that time, it's too late. It does usually happen when he is out with friends or at a party-not usually at home- unless we are having a party, but then I don't recall ever seeing him get too drunk at home. I'm not sure why. I guess I'm not comfortable telling him that he should not get that drunk because what right do I have? So maybe I haven't been as clear as I should be. Do I have the right? What if he told me *lose 50 pounds because you embarass me?* How would that make me feel? I know they are different things,but maybe he would say that I can control my eating/excercising as well. (I'm talking to myself again)
    Anyway, thank you all for your responses - you too Desertrose - it has given me a lot to think about. I do feel empowered by your words of wisom. (by the way- I haven't said anything to him about last weekend only because he was pretty emotionally spent from his friend's funeral and still pretty upset about it. I didn't want to fuel the fire during this time.)
    Husg to you all

  6. #1086
    giz
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    Stinkerbell, this is coloured by my unfortunate experiences with the husband, But I'd just say, "why do you think he feels the need to get drunk?" Is there something he's not dealing with? Does he have a hard time relaxing in social situations without getting good and lubricated? I dont' know. My parents were virtually teetotal, as am I, and I've never understood the imperative behind getting drunk, so may not be the best person to be contributing.

  7. #1087
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    Quote Originally Posted by giz View Post
    Stinkerbell, this is coloured by my unfortunate experiences with the husband, But I'd just say, "why do you think he feels the need to get drunk?" Is there something he's not dealing with? Does he have a hard time relaxing in social situations without getting good and lubricated? I dont' know. My parents were virtually teetotal, as am I, and I've never understood the imperative behind getting drunk, so may not be the best person to be contributing.
    He is very shy, but he usually goes overboard around close friends. I don't really think there is a problem he isn't facing- because it doesn't happen often. I just think he has a hard time stopping when he should. I guess to him, it's fun. (and for me, it used to be fun to get snockered like that- 15 years ago!!) I know I've grown up, and I expect him to also. Well, for now, everything is fine, but next time I'm going to lay down the law...

  8. #1088
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    What do you do when you think someone likes you...But your afraid to bring it up with them (Which would be totally embarassing if they weren't really into you.) I mean...Any hints I could drop?
    "What it do, Shawty?"-Natasha Galkina

  9. #1089
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    Quote Originally Posted by ANTM Mega Fan View Post
    What do you do when you think someone likes you...But your afraid to bring it up with them (Which would be totally embarassing if they weren't really into you.) I mean...Any hints I could drop?
    Three shots of tequila for you and three shots tequila for your "friend". And anything can happen.
    Stop the world! I want to get off!

    Young and thriving, I feel infinite. Need I say more?

  10. #1090
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    Quote Originally Posted by ANTM Mega Fan View Post
    What do you do when you think someone likes you...But your afraid to bring it up with them (Which would be totally embarassing if they weren't really into you.) I mean...Any hints I could drop?

    Well, could you ask that person to go for coffee with you so you can have some alone time? That would give you a better idea how much this person likes you.

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