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Thread: Relationship Challenged

  1. #1071
    Retired! hepcat's Avatar
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    Giz, that's so hard. I'm sorry to hear that for your kids' sake. It's so natural to have all kinds of conflicting feelings. You're a strong woman who can handle it, I can tell that just from your posts - but we're here if you need an ear, don't hesitate to ask for support. Good luck and I send hugs to you and your kids.

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  2. #1072
    FORT Fanatic springkey's Avatar
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    hey gix, maybe u should oso take this time to take a break too?
    like...for once u can stop worrying about the relationship and grieving about the changes.
    take things once at a time.
    i know it's kinda hard to stop missing him, but you gotta think for yourselve, he MAY not come back.
    so it's better to just move on and find new directions, the kids needs u, and u gotta show them tat life will still be the same, without or without him.

    just my opinion...
    cheer up~
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  3. #1073
    An innocent bystander nlmcp's Avatar
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    I know it's hard Giz. Take this time and take care of yourself as well as the kids. If he wants to come back, stick to your belief he has to make some major changes in how he acts at home.

    take care.
    I could go east, I could go west, it was all up to me to decide. Just then I saw a young hawk flyin' and my soul began to rise. ~Bob Seger

  4. #1074
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    Quote Originally Posted by nlmcp View Post
    I know it's hard Giz. Take this time and take care of yourself as well as the kids. If he wants to come back, stick to your belief he has to make some major changes in how he acts at home.

    take care.
    I agree with nlmcp. I have been following this story and it's so familiar to me. About 15 years ago the same thing happened to a good friend of mine. They had a pretty good marriage, but then he started *drifting* away. He also drank quite a bit, and was getting very short tempered and not quite into the marriage. One day he decides he wants to leave, and does. Of course, my friend was devastated, but also realized that she was tired of living that way also. Never knowing what he was feeling, being shut out of the marriage, the constant 6 pack every night etc. So, he left, and she had to do all of the stuff he used to do. (pick the kids up late at night when they went to the movies, fix things around the house that were broken- just usual stuff that she never bothered with). She really grew as a person and *that* was probably the best thing for her. She gained confidence in herself and was a much stronger woman because he wasn't there to *take care of her*. After he left, he realized his life still sucked. So he went to AA and got sober. Once he did, and was sober for awhile, he realized his problems were created BY HIM. Meanwhile, my friend has been doing fairly well for herself, and keeping it together and realizing what she will and will not stand for. They start talking and *dating* and he wants to get back together- but on one condition: If he ever takes a drink again- he is gone and will never get a second chance. (I will add also that he was over all the time doing laundry, seeing the kids, etc. so this whole time they were getting along, just not together) She was very adamant about it and told him that after the hell she just went through for the past year, she would never do it again so he better be damn sure he was committed to not drinking because a third chance would never happen.
    Anyway, they did get back together and no he hasn't had a drink in all of this time. It taught them both a lot- different lessons- but taking the drink away made a huge difference. (and he will even admit that) I will say they have a wonderful marriage now and have been doing very well since the *unfortunate episode* as I refer to it. They even have grand kids now.
    My point is (just a long way to get there) is that GIZ, it's your turn to make life what you want it, to grow, to experience, to live. I must say that I don't like how he says he may come back- I think that is up to YOU! If you want it to work, and have your *lost* husband back, lay down ground rules and stick by them. My friends husband was literally scared crapless when he knew one drink would send him out the door- and it worked. And my friend would have done it since she had been on her own for awhile and realized she was better than to live in a household like she was living in before the split. She deserved better and so did her kids. So, it shouldn't be HIS decision- it should be yours. Tell him to get his butt in AA and therapy, and if he won't do that, you will move on. You're life is too precious and short to be carrying someone else's baggage.
    Good luck and
    Last edited by stinkerbell; 01-07-2006 at 02:31 PM.

  5. #1075
    An innocent bystander nlmcp's Avatar
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    great post stinkerbell and puts it much better then I could have.

    Giz, my guess is he is going to try to put this all on you. If you were a better wife he wouldn't have started to drink whatever whatever whatever.

    Treat that like the pile of steaming crud that it is. If he was unhappy in the marriage, he should have talked to you. You both should have tried to work things out. You both should have been able to decide what was possible with little kids around and what could be done. He didn't do that, he choose to start drinking, start staying away and being a jerk.

    Yes, this is a time for you to grow and change and learn things about yourself, but don't let him put all the blame on you. It isn't fair or right. If he wants to come back, you need to make it on your terms not his.
    I could go east, I could go west, it was all up to me to decide. Just then I saw a young hawk flyin' and my soul began to rise. ~Bob Seger

  6. #1076
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    Well, need a few *ears* so I hope all of you wonderful Forters will bear with me and maybe help me through my latest *crisis*:
    My husband and I have been together almost 20 years. I love him (of course) but I have a major problem: When he goes out with friends or to parties, he never knows when to say when. He will always be the drunkest, most obnoxious one in the group. This really only happens 4 -6 times a year, but it's too much for me. I don't care if he wants to sit at home on a Saturday night drinking his beer, and watching a movie (he never gets too drunk then) but when he goes out- he's impossible. I will admit it is quite embarassing to me also- he's a 43 year old man, not a 22 year old frat boy! (and no, he doesn't drive- that, I think, is one of the problems. When he's with me and I'm driving, he feels it's licence for him to drink more) We never fight but this is one thing that will set us off for days. I grew up in an alcholic home, and I have told him that I don't need to live that way anymore. Why can't he grow up? Why can everyone else pace themselves, but he can't? The last few years I haven't gone anywhere with him- like parties and such- because of this. I make up every excuse in the book because I don't want to deal with it.
    I'm this close to telling him to make a choice- us or his frat boy behavior. I've thought and thought and realize I can't do it anymore. Am I being unreasonable? Should I just deal with it since it only happens a few times a year? This weekend he had to go out of town for a funeral. I called him at 6:00 and he was already drunk. 6:00!! Part of me wants to let it go, but I can't. He turns into the village drunken idiot and it makes me sick. It's disgusting. I know he enjoys his beers, and generally he is pretty good, but it's the other times where he has had a few *too many* that I can't take.

  7. #1077
    Premium Member DesertRose's Avatar
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    Stinkerbell, I'm trying to type this in a way that is not judgemental and hurtful. Sorry if I come across that way. From your post, I don't think what your husband is doing is bad. You say he only does it 5-6 times a year. You say he gets obnoxious and drunk. But does he do anything really stupid or dangerous? Is he an embarrassement to others or just you? Can your feelings come from your childhood? If it's really not that bad, maybe you should retain from going out with him those times you know he will be drinking (just make sure someone will drive him) so you don't see how he acts. But if it's just regular (and rare) frat boy behavior, let him have his fun. He's probably just blowing off some stress.

  8. #1078
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    Quote Originally Posted by DesertRose View Post
    Stinkerbell, I'm trying to type this in a way that is not judgemental and hurtful. Sorry if I come across that way. From your post, I don't think what your husband is doing is bad. You say he only does it 5-6 times a year. You say he gets obnoxious and drunk. But does he do anything really stupid or dangerous? Is he an embarrassement to others or just you? Can your feelings come from your childhood? If it's really not that bad, maybe you should retain from going out with him those times you know he will be drinking (just make sure someone will drive him) so you don't see how he acts. But if it's just regular (and rare) frat boy behavior, let him have his fun. He's probably just blowing off some stress.
    Don't worry DesertRose, I don't take offense at your post. One of the reasons I posted and wanted responses was to find out if I was over reacting. Sometimes we can't see it and it helps if someone points it out. No, he doesn't really do anything stupid or dangerous (although for awhile he lost his wallet, but it was found) He embarasses me. Yes, most of the feelings come from my childhood and I recognize that, but does that mean I have to live with it now? He is okay when he has to drive, but it seems like when he doesn't he triples up. I don't like to witness it, so I try to stay away from situations where I know it will happen, but then I feel angry because we should be able to go places as a couple, but I won't when I know that I will have to drag him out, kicking and screaming, while he gets upset with me for *ruining his fun*. Like I said, he is fine on a regular basis, so I don't think he has a drinking problem, but I'm just frustrated that he can't seem to be responsible like his friends are. I want to tell him to GROW UP! Thanks for the response. I feel better now

  9. #1079
    giz
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    Stink, I am the Last person to be commenting on this one! I was raised by virtually teetotal parents and somehow managed to get married to a boozehound. So I'm stepping out of this one as it pushes all my buttons! I just wanted to say "thanks" to everyone! People in my life have been great too. Listened to me blather on, given me houseplants etc. Even got a free sofa! It's interesting to see who's stepped up and has been there for me (not that I'm judging, people are busy/have their own issues). It's sweet to see how kind people have been.

    Don't know where I am with it. I'm reading "It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken" which is doing wonders for my resolve and self-esteem. I am superwonderful and deserve better than waiting around for Mr. Grumpy Boots to smarten up,but the pint glass down, and appreciate me. However, we've got two kids, and I've invested 20 years in this, so am giving him 3 months to get his act together, then I'm packing my emotional bags and moving on. Shame really, there were some things that were right, a few that were wonderful, but he chose to hide his concerns in a bottle and not seek me out as his refuge. His loss. So I'll update in March as to what's transpired. Basically, the guy has to get counselling for his anger and depression, and go to AA. Without that, I'm going solo (or better yet, does anyone have a mensch for me?)!

  10. #1080
    Amethyst YetiSports7 - Snowboard FreeRide Champion Amy Lee's Avatar
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    Continue reading the book, it's really good and i've only read more then 100 pages thus far.
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